Reader Emails

Reader Email: Admitting That You Actively Read And Support Turtleboy Is The Best Way To Get Out Of Jury Duty

 

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Reader Email: My wife got summoned for jury duty. She had to fill out her confidential juror questionnaire today. We are hoping the comment at the bottom gets her excused from service…

If you ever wanna get out of jury duty this seems like the easiest way to do it. There is a 0.0% chance you’d ever be allowed to be on a jury if you admitted to reading Turtleboy. Then again, the odds of finding 12 people in the same place at the same time anywhere in Massachusetts, who don’t actively read Turtleboy is slim to none to begin with.

My outlook on jury duty has changed over the years. I’m 37 years old and I’ve been called exactly once. There was like 100 jurors brought into a courtroom for a rape trial in which a 16 or 17 year old girl was allegedly raped by this creepy looking dude in his late 20’s who was fresh off the boat from east Uganda. She was partying at his house, passed out drunk and said she woke up with him on top of her having sex. The judge asked all jurors to raise their hands if they had any preconceived opinions or biases about a high school girl who parties and drinks with older men. I knew EVERY SINGLE PERSON in that room was thinking “yes” to that question but couldn’t admit to saying it in front of strangers. So I bravely broke the seal and raised my hand, which led to an “I am Spartacus” situation. Then they asked us if we had any opinions about the defendant, given that he’s the kind of guy who buys liquor for teenagers and parties with them. I think almost every hand went up after that. I have no idea how they picked a jury, but needless to say I was dismissed, and I heard from an ADA that he ended up being found guilty because he was smiling during the victim’s testimony.

But I look back on that now and I wish I had been picked. Getting out of jury duty seems like the thing you’re supposed to do because we all got shit to do, but at the same time it’s pretty cool to be on a case like that one.

The fact of that matter is if you read Turtleboy it’s almost impartial to ever serve on a jury again. You are a prosecutor’s wet dream in 99% of cases because you all know and understand how the mind of a scumbag works. The only time you’d be useful for the defense is if you got called to be on a deformation jury, because you’d know that 99% of deformation cases are just people who got their feelings hurt on the Internet.

 

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10 Comment(s)
  • Corinth Arkadin
    September 26, 2019 at 4:45 pm

    We need more Turtle Riders to be on juries. We need more Turtle Riders to be judges!

    Apart from resurrecting Charles Bronson and allowing him to ply his trade in death on the city streets, that would be the best thing that happened to the country since the election of the God-Emperor Trump.

  • Suggestion Box
    September 25, 2019 at 1:30 pm

    Suggestion replace join the revolution with / or add the year established to Turtleboy Logo Est 2015 , 16 , 17 When was the first official blog ?

    • Suggestion Box
      September 25, 2019 at 1:33 pm

      Red Hat on the Turtle with EST. 201*

  • Bingo Fuel
    September 24, 2019 at 7:07 pm

    I always state I listen to Howie…3/3 outta there!

    Wasting time with the dregs who are no doubt guilty ain’t my thang

    Maga

  • Joshy no washy
    September 24, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    Felons can’t serve jury duty. Confession time. I miss you Billy. We didn’t need to fight over her, but you get so jelly. You know I love that thing you do.

    • Johnny Cockran
      September 24, 2019 at 9:24 pm

      You can serve on a jury if you are a felon, usually in states you are allowed to still vote. That’s how you get picked. In Massachusetts you can serve 7 years post felony conviction if not still incarcerated, on probation, or parole. You probably won’t get selected though

  • OK
    September 24, 2019 at 5:29 pm

    Just knowing she married you would make them question her judgement.

    • SassySwede
      September 24, 2019 at 6:45 pm

      I just rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain.

      Spoiler: “Reader Email” means… it’s NOT Unc’s wife!

      Prime example of one who doesn’t read anything in its entirety, never mind comprehend what he reads…
      (This is a major contributor of “how to make yourself look like you have a case of the stupidz”)

      • Thank A Lib
        September 24, 2019 at 8:47 pm

        Gotta admit, though – it was funny.

  • Billy Tibbetts
    September 24, 2019 at 5:28 pm

    Hi everybody,
    I’m NOT crazy ok!!! I’m just pissed off that I lost that election! And last time I got out of jail I just decided to smoke a little crack to celebrate! Who among you hasn’t smoked crack a few times ???? Stop demonizing me! I’m tired of always being made to look like the bad guy. I’m not bad, I’m not crazy! Stupid fuckin Turtle people!

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