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This is Turtleboy vacation week and we’ve given our bloggers a week off to enjoy themselves. We’ll be reblogging some of our greatest hits this week though to help you remember the golden times.
It’s been widely reported that Aaron Hernandez had a lover in prison who he left a note for before killing himself. And according to the Daily Mail, that lover is a 22 year old, wigtacular hardo from Uxbridge named Kyle Kennedy. Here’s what we know:
- Kyle Kennedy was the last person to see Hernandez alive and is now on suicide watch
- Hernandez gave his family a $50,000 watch and other personal property before killing himself
- Kennedy is the son of a businessman from Uxbridge.
- When the Daily Mail went to his father’s house to ask questions about his son, he came outside yelling ‘Get the f**k away and don’t f**king come back.’
- Kyle Kennedy robbed a Cumberland Farms at knifepoint in Northbridge in January of 2015. Shortly afterwards he was pulled over on 146, but as the cop approached the car he started driving 110 mph back towards Uxbridge. He hit several signs and a guardrail as he got off the exit. He then tried to go back up the offramp, but his car was fucked up and he was arrested.
- Two days later he escaped from the Northbridge Police Station holding cell, and was arrested again after running through three people’s yards.
- He was sentenced to 3-5 years in prison.
- Right after his car stopped and he was about to be arrested her posted this to Facebook:
- In the least surprising news ever, Kyle Kennedy is friends with Turtleboy Rathet Madness Elite 8 finalist, Gabbi Hebert.
No wonder he switched teams!! Imagine dating someone like this?
My question is, how does someone on a 3-5 year stint end up becoming butt buddies with a convicted murderer like Hernandez? From my limited understanding of the prisons in Shirley, Shirley Max is for lifers and professional assholes. If you’re not serving at least 20 years, and you end up in Shirley Max, it’s because you earned it by being the biggest asshole of all time, and they’re not dealing with you anymore in Shirley Medium. And by the looks of this winner’s Facebook page, it’s safe to assume that he earned his way to Shirley Max. For starters, you’ll never guess who his favorite NBA team is:
Of course he’s rocking the flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat. Bonus hoodrat points for still having multiple stickers on the brim!!
I think it’s safe to say that Kyle Kennedy was the bottom, right? Aaron Hernandez was a murderer, but he was also an alpha male. And I just can’t imagine a situation in which Aaron Hernandez let his prison bitch be the top slice of white bread on his tuna fish sandwich.
I can see why Hernandez chose him though. He’s very pretty. You gotta assume a face like that is worth at least three cartons of cigarettes in the can. Kyle Kennedy might be a loser in Uxbridge. But in Shirley he is da belle of da ball.
He seems like a great guy too. Perfect rebound boyfriend for Hernandez in prison. He thinks people should drink and drive so they can kill as many people as they can:
He’s a big fan of the “n word” and uses it rather liberally.
Things that annoy him include “feen ass n words who always cry like a bitch”
(They’re the worst!)
He has no tolerance for “pussy n words”
He doesn’t like bitch ass cops who be harassing him on those outstanding warrants!!
Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of dreaming about Aaron Hernandez and decides he could “kill n words”
He likes money, and is all about that chedda!!
True. All you other hungry n words don’t be stackin cheese cuz y’all don’t be robbing Cumberland Farms, ya heard?
Yet despite all that money he could never seem to afford a car, and would pay up to $100 cash to use other people’s cars:
Kyle Kennedy has a prison dating bio, in which he describes himself as being a 21 year old heterosexual Worcester man, who reads books and likes to ride motocross:
But just understand that if you sign up to become his prison pen pal, he comes with baggage in the form of a former Patriots tight end who treats him like his own personal poundcake. But besides that he’s totally not gay. Sure he occasionally rolls with three guys and needs a place to sleep:
Yes, his Facebook page is littered with homoerotic, topless pictures of him and his future prison bait friends:
But he’s actually dated girls before, and even loved one of them enough to take her on a hot date!!
Figures he likes hot dogs. When a girl agrees to go to Hot Dog Annie’s with you, you know she’s ride or die!
It’s understandable why he might’ve switched teams in prison. From the looks of it he has a lot of anger built up towards women in general:
That’s not true. Some bitches are good at blogging too. Just sayin.
And to throw people off the scent he often bragged about how strong his velvet buzzsaw game is:
Anyway, the bottom (no pun intended) line is, Kyle Kennedy gets lonely sometimes:
And if ho’s don’t be acting loyal, and he’s all lonely up in Shirley Max and Aaron Hernandez decides that he’s gonna be his prison bitch, there’s a 0.0% chance he’s turning down that opportunity. Just sayin.