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This is Turtleboy vacation week and we’ve given our bloggers a week off to enjoy themselves. We’ll be reblogging some of our greatest hits this week though to help you remember the golden times.
A million people messaged us about the most ratchet Webster Facebook thread in the history of wannabe hoodrat behavior. It all started when this future unwed mother posted a video on Facebook of the Webster Police beating the shit out of one her Voke-stache clad future sperm donors after he jumped on the cop’s back in a dark room:
The sound that the flashlight made when it smashed into these Webster trashbag’s thick skulls is one of the sweetest sounds I’ve ever heard. The camerawoman is obviously dumber than she looks too. First of all, way to hold the camera vertically genius. We missed all the good stuff. Secondly, if you’re gonna film something, then film it. Don’t Blair Witch that shit and bob the camera up and down. We can’t see what’s going on.
But what clearly happened is that the cops were in the house (meaning they were let in by these geniuses without a warrant), one of the idiots resisted arrest and got tackled onto the bed, then the other moron tried jumping on the cop’s back and he got a flashlight to the face. As much as I would’ve loved to see one of them get shot in a justifiable police shooting, I almost prefer the flashlight to the face. It was spectacular.
Anyway, the video was great, but the commentary was out of this world. What you’re about to read should be studied in anthropology classes, simply because it’s fascinating how some human beings have evolved at such different rates as others. Let’s start with “Kaseyy Michelle.” First of all, she has fantastic taste in men:
Her Monday night began as it often does – by pounding fireball and Natty Ice in Millbury:
But her Tuesday morning didn’t turn out as planned:
Lots of people spend the night in the can after fighting with their downstairs neighbor. Do your thing girlfriend!!
White girls with freckles throwing around the n word like it ain’t no thang. Welcome to Webster.
Then there’s this:
Sounds like a perfectly normal relationship between a Webster brother and sister.
Then legal expert Ryan Burns jumped in:
Ryan Burns “promises” the cops will be disciplined. And I believe him!! Because if this kid isn’t a legal expert than I don’t know who is:
Up next was Mariah Moriarty:
Unfortunately for her the Centerfolds in Oxford closed down, so employment opportunities have dwindled.
If you’ve had “multiple experiences” with an entire police department, you might want to reevaluate your life choices. I’ve had lots of experiences with the guy who pumps my gas at the Hi-Lo. That’s a normal person to have multiple experiences with. It’s not normal to to have multiple experiences with the Webster Police Department.
“This is why we all need guns.” This was a comment made under a video in which the GED express wrestled with two police officers. It’s shocking this classy young lady finds herself in trouble so frequently.
Tyler Chamberlain seems like a real winner too..
Tyler, what is your beef with the letter “c”? I can see that it works because you used it once. But just because the letter “k” often makes the same sound as the letter “c” doesn’t mean they’re interchangeable. I know that social promotion has not worked out well for you in the long run, but generally they “always fuck you up when they katxh” you. Ya know, because you made them run. Although when you’re growing up on the mean streets of Douglas you just gotta run sometimes:
Oh yea, and in the least surprising turn of event ever, check out Tyler’s hat of choice:
The Chicago Bulls are the luckiest franchise in sports. There must have been a mass meeting for greasy, Voke-stached high school dropouts from Ware, Spencer, Webster, Colrain, and every other pit in America, where they all decided they’d start wearing flat-brimmed Bulls hats so that the rest of us can identify who the assholes are. The Bulls must make billions of dollars a year in the dooshnozzle-industrial complex.
Speaking of dooshnozzles…….
This is Barry Hanson, and he ALWAYS keeps it 100!!!
Oh snap, badass alert!!
Real vice lords!!! Webster chapter!! They have their meetings at Waterfront Mary’s and then they all go swimming in Lake Chaubunagungamaug afterwards.
Yup. He just went there. Shoutout to Ron Tarentino’s murderer Jorge Zambrano – the biggest pussy in the history of criminals. A man who shot Ron Tarentino while his back was turned, because he was too much of a punk bitch to shoot him while he was facing him. The best part of Jorge Zambrano’s life was when he got shot in the dick by the State Police. Heard he cried like a bitch. He’s not missed by anyone who matters and neither will you Barry!!
OK Barry, we went ahead and Googled you. There’s a Barry Hanson who is old enough to be your father, who forgot to register as a sex offender in 2008. Oops!! Then there’s your history:
Oh, you tried to get some pills at CVS without a prescription. Junkie gangsta!! And the thing with these junkies is they will rob and steal to get their next fix, which is how he ended up in the clink:
So you robbed a little old lady at the Stop n’ Shop because you were desperate for heroin? Thug life yo!!! He’s got some really deep thoughts on life too…
Bad ass alert!!! Oh, and he’s not a fan of Turtleboy evidently:
The fact that we’re pissing off people like Barry Hanson reassures us that we’re providing a valuable service to society.
Then there’s Moe JD:
True that yo!! Police who put their lives on the line on a daily basis are HUGE pussies. Not like you. You do something much braver than that – you wear jorts:
And take glamour shots in run down mill villages
And of course you have no shortage of the international symbol of twat waffles everywhere:
It’s cool though, because he’s got $14K now, so he can retire off that right?
Then there’s Michael Webber:
I have no idea what any of that means, but it sounds important. And according to his Facebook page, he reps Vice Lords too:
Lots of Vice Lords have been known to work out at Planet Fitness:
Because everyone knows the Vice Lords can only get their swole on in a judgement free zone.
Apparently one of the nudnkis who was arrested in that Webster domicile was Cam Andrews. He was none too pleased because his white friends were tased and beaten with flashlights, but as the token black friend, he had a gun pulled on him:
He’s got quite the backstory too:
If you’ve ever ended a run-on, nonsensical sentence with, “facts,” you just might be an actual bag of dicks. But I guess that’s just how you roll when you’re straight outta Oxford:
And guess who his favorite basketball team is:
Finally there’s this….
This is the face of everyone who has ever shared a post on Cop Block ever:
I mean, it’s one thing if you’re 16 or 17 and saying stuff like this. But if you’re in your mid to late 20’s and you’re still whining about the cops, you’re probably not gonna be moving out of your mother’s basement in Webster any time soon.
Hey Alex, here’s an idea – if you don’t wanna get maced by the cops, then don’t run from the cops. I know, I know, you’re not very smart and you think that when the cops tell you to freeze you have several acceptable choices you can make and one of them is running. But you don’t. You have one option – not moving. That’s it. Anything else results in your ass getting fucked up. Smart people understand that, but like I said, clearly you are not very smart.
Anyway, this really was the most Webster thread we’ve ever seen. Even though most of these slug rakes are from the mean streets of Dudley, Charlton, and Oxford. It doesn’t matter where they’re from, they instinctively are drawn to Webster. And just think, if they show up to vote on election day their opinion matters just as much as your’s does. Have a great day y’all!!