This Day In Turtleboy

Reblog: Hampton Beach – The Walmart Of New England Beach Towns

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This is Turtleboy vacation week and we’ve given our bloggers a week off to enjoy themselves. We’ll be reblogging some of our greatest hits this week though to help you remember the golden times. 


Mrs. Turtleboy favorite places to visit are the three worst places on earth – Disney World, the Big E, and Hampton Beach. That’s because her and I are very different people. Mrs. Turtleboy assumes that anything that involves lines and thousands of morons has to be good, because why else would everyone be going there? This Turtleboy believes the exact opposite – if too many people are doing it then it must suck.

For instance I agreed to do the unthinkable today and go to Hampton Beach, but only if I was allowed to write a blog on it. On our way there we came to a light where there were two left hand turn lanes. One lane was 20 cars deep, and the other was empty. The guy in front of us jumped in the long line because he was probably thinking, “this line seems important, there’s probably something wrong with the other line or else people would be in it.” We of course jumped in the line with no one in it and destroyed everyone.

Well last fall we started a shitstorm with our family trip to the Big E, and today we’ll probably offend the thousands of people who actually enjoy Hampton Beach. So on that note, I am going to lie through my teeth and pretend that I actually enjoy this magical Walmart of beach towns.

The best part about going to Hampton Beach is the fact that you get to wake up at 6:30 AM on the weekend. Because if you sleep a minute later they’ll double the parking rates on you, because the gypsies who run the parking lots there are honest businessmen like that. We got there around 9:30 today, which got us there just in time for the $20 rate. It’s a good thing we cut all those people off back at that light, because 20 minutes later this is how much it cost:


And there’s nothing I enjoy more than giving money to a guy with a cardboard sign because he invested in cheap property back in 1974. An hour later it cost this much:


That seems like a reasonable price to park in a lot filled with a fun arrangement of syringes and broken dreams.

Hampton Beach is also widely known for it’s five star lodging at it’s multiple cockroach ridden motels:

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Almost all of these world class motels come with a Maitre D. Normally he will be living in the trailer adjacent to your villa and he will give you some friendly reminders about how your stay may be more enjoyable. For instance, he might say, “Only three people are allowed in a room,” and “replacement keys are $35.” 

Despite the fact that you are paying him a ridiculous amount of money to sleep on a dirty mattress that is covered in Hampton love juices, he will still treat you like you are a potential murderer who may or may not kidnap his first born child. Don’t take it personally though, this is just how people show affection at Hampton Beach.

If a motel doesn’t suit you though, you could rent property for a week. Hampton Beach homes are the east coast version of Malibu Beach. Only the swankiest of New England folk stay in some of these glorious mansions:

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Because nothing says “I’m worth a shitload of money” like a cone in your front yard, ivy growing all over the house, and an orange chair that someone stole from the basement of the VFW.

The hard part of course is keeping up with the Jones’s because chances are your neighbors take a lot of pride in their property as well. It’s not easy to keep up appearances when your jort-wearing neighbor who locks himself out of his house uses bed sheets as curtains.


Walking around Hampton Beach can be a cultural experience as well. Just like the Big E there is a never ending supply of fried dough and overpriced pizza:

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You will see many people wearing what we refer to as the “Hampton Beach uniform” which normally consists of your oldest pair of jeans, a beer belly, and no shirt.

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Another option is the European look

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But the above pictured fellas are kind of frowned upon. Not because Hampton goers have a problem with speedos, but rather because their bodies aren’t covered from head to toe in tattoos.

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And one of the best parts about going to Hampton Beach is aimlessly sitting in traffic while attempting to drive in circles around “the strip.”

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Although it is preferred that you drive a motorcycle and rev your motor really loud so we can know EXACTLY how big your penis is. Because nothing says, “I’m packing” like accelerating from 0-50 in 100 feet only to slam on your brakes because you’re still sitting in traffic.

You can go topless on your bike if you so desire, but this is really the preferred look:


Magnificent. At night there are many places where young people can go out and play. One of the best places is the Ballroom. Here you can see that guy who made that song that they used to play on Jammin 94.5 back in 1993, as he hangs onto some scraps that he calls a career.


Ah yes, the Ballroom. Where musical careers go to die.

Hampton is also one gigantic Spencer Gifts, so there’s plenty of stores where you can buy classy complementary t-shirts that you can wear with your best friend the next time you go to church.

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Just make sure that you are always standing directly next to each other and in the right order, or else the matching “Best Fucking Bitches” shirts won’t make sense.

And the t-shirt stores only cater to the type of people that you WANT to have at your resort destination


Speaking of church, Hampton does have accomodations for all the good God-fearing folk out there. It’s safe to say that this church right here,


has the smallest collection plate in the history of organized religion. You just need to make sure that you’re a practicing member of the religion known as “community church” or else the service won’t make much sense.

We do have to give a warning to all the ladies out there. If you fill up on the “fryed dough” and Hampton pizza, you’re probably gonna have to make a monster Hampton smash. And when you do, you’re gonna have to wait in a long line just like you had to do at the Big E

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Better off farting it out.

And can I tell you how much I just LOVE the beach in general? You get to pack up all this shit, including food and water which get covered in delicious sand and turn a refreshing piss-warm in the 90 degree sun. Then you get to lug it all down to the small piece of sand you claim in a sea of New England’s finest. Your options after that include lying down and doing nothing, jumping into a gigantic body of water filled with delicious salt water and whale poop, or aimlessly walking around gawking at the future cast of Teen Mom.

After several hours have passed you finally get to leave this paradise, but not before fighting the lines to clean off your feet, so that your car doesn’t become Hampton Beach Jr.



And when you leave Hampton Beach, it’s always REALLY easy to get out of there. It’s not like you have to sit in traffic for another hour and a half as you wait for the draw bridge to allow a bunch of boats to head towards the infamous Hampton Beach marshland.


Because Hampton Beach is so amazing that for whatever reason there is a never ending supply of people who are willing to wait in line to experience what we just did. And let me tell ya, sitting with Turtleboy Jr. in traffic is an AWESOME experience.


The bottom line is I would rather kill myself then ever going to Hampton Beach again.

15 Comment(s)
  • mainesucks
    August 15, 2018 at 12:38 pm

    if you want to really visit a scumbag sg-hole fair and see freaky creatures worse than Hampton Beach, go to the Skowhegan Fair up in Skowhegan Maine…the gate to the Fair even shares the doors to a Walmart

  • ames1049
    August 14, 2018 at 7:05 pm

    The only thing better than Hampton Beach in the summer, is Hampton Beach in the winter.

    All of the $2500/week motels turn into $500/month “winter rentals”. Who rents these barely heated drafty shitholes in the winter you ask?

    1 The campground dwellers. In the summer, “home” is a tent at the local campground. In the winter, they begin their drunken stupor around November while they wait for their welfare checks and April to come, when it’s back to the campground. Usually by this time they have shat out yet another kid, which means a bigger check every month. Time for a new tattoo with this windfall!

    2 Jailbirds. Many of the winter residents just got out of jail. Make sure you lock your doors!

    3 Sex offenders. Easy place to find young vulnerable prey without violating the distance to a school or playground rule.

    So remember boys and girls, that is what was in your “luxury” room all winter. If you drop a fried clam on the carpet, don’t even think about brushing it off and eating it.

  • Yuck
    August 14, 2018 at 12:53 pm

    I plowed a chick I was hanging with while her BFF watched in one of those cheap ass, shitty “hotels” when I was a teenager in the 80s. Good Times!

  • ElJefe72
    August 14, 2018 at 11:44 am

    Wow! Trump Derangement Syndrome has really gotten to Michael Moore. He’s lost a bunch of weight and now works as a sign-holding parking attendant.

  • z
    August 14, 2018 at 11:13 am

    “I’ve got your back” is pretty funny.

  • bigdaddy
    August 14, 2018 at 10:39 am

    Hampton beach has one thing over Cape Cod – no drunken Kennedys

    • bigdaddy
      Ted Kennedy
      August 14, 2018 at 1:44 pm

      I want you to know I have been sober for 9 years now

  • Fuck yourselves.
    August 14, 2018 at 10:11 am

    You pretentious pricks. Hampton is a typical beach town. Let me guess, ya’ll think the cape is so nice and elite….with all the heroin, police shootings, overpriced seafood and ice cream and shitty motels everywhere. And none of you go to the vinyard or Nantucket because if you did you wouldn’t be blogging or posting on this site.

    I challenge any of you to name a nicer beach (the part with sand and ocean) than Hampton. It is just as nice as Cahoon hollow or nauset and doesn’t have sharks.

    Fucking self loathing red necks, get over yourselves. Go to Hampton and play some ski ball, eat some fried dough, check out some fat senoritas from Laurence in bikinis and stop thinking you are the shit because you dump on a place where you actually fit in.

    • No Admittance
      August 14, 2018 at 11:23 am

      Oh, how charming. A financially challenged ingrate straight from the hoi polloi slithered past the gates. Someone throw it a doggie bag from Smith and Wollensky’s and send it away before it asks to use the bathroom and leaves its New Hampshire crabs on our toilet seat. Although amusing, we can’t have that happen again. Fire that doorman and promote the big one who speaks better English to head of security. I’m off to Farm Neck to shoot a quick 9 holes before cocktail hour.

      • Wannabe
        August 14, 2018 at 12:45 pm

        Smith and wollensky’s is for douche bags who make 80k a year and think they are rich, alright steak and sides if you don’t know any better, similar to chuds who drink COCKtails on martha’s Vineyard and jerk of to the sighting of our first muslim president and his tranny “wife”.

    • Laurence of Arabica
      August 14, 2018 at 12:50 pm

      Plenty of nice beaches, even NICER than Hampton, nearby. Crane Beach in Ipswich is a favorite; awesome sandy beach, warm clean water, a decent concession stand, parking helpers. They turn a blind eye on discrete booze drinking on the beach; I’ve emptied a cooler full of beers and never got hassled. Of course, it lacks the complete mental circus of Hampton; if you are a looking for Harleys, a fight, raging teen moms.. you won’t find it there. But you’ll have a great beach day without the hassle of Thunderdome and probably make it home without posting bail.

  • Reg Dunlop
    August 14, 2018 at 9:48 am

    Hampton Beach actually has a very nice beach, it’s just the people who are questionable. It never was Palm Beach and never will be and that’s just fine, so long as you know what to expect when going there , which is — the lower rungs of society. So, if you and your old lady have at least 3 or 4 tattoos, 2-3 kids from varying baby daddies and mamas, a misdemeanor or 3, and limited education, then this place will be like paradise…

  • Fo Sho
    Not wid my dick
    August 14, 2018 at 9:38 am

    Spent a night in the Hampton Hoo-Skow in 72………. public urination……… ya gotta go……ya gotta go…………. one of lifes wonderful memories………thanks TB.

  • Ray Patriarca
    A thing of beauty
    August 14, 2018 at 9:31 am

    And…. After spending the day sweltering in the sand and eating shitty food, you go to your motel and try to sleep. The operative word is TRY.
    Because, once darkness commences, there is an endless procession of obnoxiously loud motorcycles, ridden by small-phallused assholes, who find the need to rev these things to red-line, so everyone knows they are there.
    Then, along comes North Shore Juan and his cohorts, with their shitty Honda’s and Toyotas, all equipped with the tin-can fart mufflers, spewing lovely rap music so loud their license plates vibrate.
    And they all drive around, up and down Atlantic Blvd, endlessly. All night.
    Add in a few cruiser sirens and the obnoxiously loud french-canadian neighbors, and you have a recipe for blissful sleep !
    Ah yes ! Paradise !

  • Richyrich
    August 14, 2018 at 8:48 am

    I grew up in Hampton in the 1970s and spent my summers working and playing Hampton Beach. You captured it’s tacky pointless essence perfectly. However, at age 16 I considered it a jolly good time. Maybe because my beach criteria consisted of two things: one, does this beach gave lits of bikini-clad girls for me to ogle, and two, is there cheap greasy food available. Even in my hormone-driven state, I used to wonder why the hell all of these middle-aged massholes paid tons of money to sit in a shack, swelter, and wander up and down Ocean Boulevard like zombies, buying tacky gifts, and eating bad food shoulder-to-shoulder.

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