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This is Turtleboy vacation week and we’ve given our bloggers a week off to enjoy themselves. We’ll be reblogging some of our greatest hits this week though to help you remember the golden times.
Aaron Hernandez became a serial killer after growing up in the dump known as Bristol, Connecticut. This Turtleboy has never been there before, but after reading this story and watching the video that comes along with it, it seems like a magical land of splendor and enchantment:
Police are investigating after several videos of a fight among a group of women at a Bristol park went viral. Police said the fight happened Monday evening around 6:45 p.m at Rockwell Park near Muzzy field. One video, shot by Malakai Powell, was uploaded Monday. It shows several minutes of skate boarding in Rockwell Park. About 1 1/2 minutes in, the shot switches to a group of women arguing as they stand around a Buick Lacrosse. About three minutes into the video, a fight breaks out among at least a half dozen women. The women threw punches. One woman had her blouse pulled off, and others pulled at the clothing of another woman.
“I think a mom was defending her daughter and like breaking up a fight that had happened and I guess it just escalated and they all just jumped out and started beating each other up,” said Cleaves.
A number of people, most of whom appeared to be in their teens, were recording the fight on video cameras. Several other videos of the fight were uploaded to social media sites. Eventually the fight ends and one of the participants drives off in the Buick. Bristol Mayor Ken Cockayne told FOX61 the videos were brought to his attention first thing Tuesday morning. He said the city is taking it very seriously and that this incident is not an accurate portrayal of Bristol as a whole. Bristol Police say they are working to identify the people in the video. Anyone with information is asked to call the police department at 860-584-3000.
Damn. No wonder Aaron Hernandez wanted to kill everyone. I would too if I had to grow up around these lurchbeasts. Let’s go to the play by play….
It begins when this gaggle of canklesauruses is arguing, presumably over who stole whose food stamps:
The outfits are already amazing. We see the gingerbread Mom has worn her pink Chuck Taylors and busted out the Memorial day shorts early this year. Not to be outdone by the gravy dumpster with the calf tattoos, spandex, and triple X oversized Wal-Mart brand t-shirt. Of course this chick was the real MVP:
Look at that splendorous display of fashion in the heart of the Nutmeg State. What am I gonna wear to the park today? Oh I know, my bright red cocktail dress, which I’ll curl up into a knot to make it look less formal on the bottom. It will complement my new Payless shoes, arm sleeve, and Newport Lights so nicely on this beautiful day. Zero point zero percent chance she’s wearing underwear.
Naturally the taller mother of the year candidate is being held back by her teenage daughter, who appears to be the only reasonable one in this Puerto Ratchet standoff:
At this point a group of children (it was broad daylight in a public park after all) started watching. Now at this point a normal group of mothers would drag their teenage children out of there and deescalate the situation. Not these Bristol Palinites though. They let the kids continue beefing until the conflict was resolved:
As the hens kept on clucking and airing their respected grievances, the anxious crowd of children with iPhones, hoping to become World Star famous, were entertained by another kid doing wheelchair wheelies:
Not to be outdone, another local junior hoodrat treated the crowd to some more wheelies:
And in general there was a never ending supply of kids riding around on bikes that are much too small for them:
And when you see kids on bikes that were built for five year olds, you know your town has officially become ghettofabulous. At this point I already know everything I need to know about Bristol. Aaron Hernandez is from there, ESPN is there, and there’s kids riding around on
their my six year old brother’s bicycles. If ISIS ever invaded America, this is where they’d banish the infidels to.
Anyway, it seemed like these cheesehogs were never gonna throw down and give the crowd what they wanted to see, despite the guarantees of this Rhodes scholar:
And just so you know exactly what a cesspool of debauchery Bristol is, a random beatup pickup truck appears out of nowhere, and a couple local Cleetuses were riding in tow, slapping the side of the truck, while another one of Bristol’s finest held onto the back while riding a skateboard and inhaling the toxic fumes for no apparent reason:
Soon after that they interviewed a couple 10 year olds about the bootleg burnout they just witnessed, and they basically just said the n word a bunch of times and laughed it off as another day in the town that Aaron Hernandez built.
Now that the halftime show was over it was time to get back to deciding who was the Ratchet Queen of Bristol. A couple new contestants emerged, including this opinionated gynoceros:
And the sneaky chick who creeped up out of nowhere in her finest Bristol business casual-ware:
AKA Pajama pants and a hoodie. As soon as someone shows up in pajama pants, you know a fight is about to start. That’s just science. And right on cue this chick got the ball rolling with some slaptacular blows to her opponent’s grillpipe:
Then the gingerbread Mom came in and dragged her daughter out of there. LOL. Just kidding, she saw someone else trying to jump in and she elbowed them in the face as another kid stood there with a huge smile on his face as he thought about how many hits this was gonna get on Instaface:
Then the gingerbread Mom did what any normal Mom would do in this situation – started pulling the gravy dumpster’s hair into submission:
And let me tell ya – this cheeshog wasn’t going down easy. It was clear that the Thightanic she was grappling was going down with the crew, so the junior hoodrat in the New Jersey sweatshirt came to her defense:
But she got stiffarmed by the Marshawn Grinch:
That’s when the pajamaraptor jumped in and started throwing haymakers too:
Because when you’re wearing pajama pants at a fight between a mother, her cubs, and the hyeenas who have threatened them, there’s a 0.0% chance you’re not jumping in.
But alas it did no good as this immovable force of nature held her ground like a Wal-mart employee on Black Friday.
Notice in the background there is a male in a blue shirt preparing to deliver one of several punches to the back of an unsuspecting female’s head. That would be this buttnut from the back of the truck earlier:
One can assume that he has some sort of familial relations to these creatures of the wild. And naturally he sees nothing wrong with punching a girl in the back of the head while she’s not looking. And because he punches like the little dicked bitch that he no doubt is, his blows did no good and he had to resort to fighting like the little dicked bitch that he is by pulling her hair:
But because he is the biggest pussy who has ever lived, he still got beat up by this girl who was also beating up his shirtless sister/girlfriend:
Then he squares up like he’s gonna punch this chick in a one on one fight:
But he realizes that despite the fact that she has no shoes and a vagina, the odds were still against him and his “stick it in here” pants, so he slowly backed away.
After that it was time for the Bristol Bikini show:
Which of course involves the GED express in flip flops and jeans that look like they’d rather be sitting on a shelf in the Holyoke Mall.
Meanwhile the gingerbread Mom was still holding her ground, taking blows from the pajamaraptor and the gynoceros, and basically laughing it off like she’s King Koopa:
Alas the gynoceros realized the fight with the fully grown adult ratchet was futile, so she moved onto the much more vulnerable offspring, who had yet to engage in fisticuffs up until this point. But it didn’t work out too well for her there either:
After this the pajamaraptor came back to try to clean up the mess the gynoceros had started:
Sensing her cub was in trouble the gingerbread Mom reappeared and gave the pajamaraptor a Bristol noogie with a complementary hairpull:
At this point we figured out who was on whose team, because believe it or not this was not anarchy. There were two distinct, organized teams. Team A included the gingerbread Mom, her cub, and the slaptacular ratchet who started the whole thing. Team B included the woman beater, the shirtless wonder, the gynoceros, the New Jersey hoodie, and the pajamaraptor.
Sensing blood in the water the shirtless wonder, who was just lost a 2 on 1 fight with her brother, came over and went after the weaker prey:
But unfortunately the more developed gym class superstar came in to defend her blood, and thus the shirtless wonder was forced to retreat:
Unfortunately for her she did not realize she was walking directly into an idled motorized scooter, and she fell in hilarious fashion:
After that it was time for the post fight interviews, which mostly consisted of junior hoodrats yelling “world star,” and the woman beater bragging about how he doesn’t mind “hitting bitches yo!!”
Anyway, if you like trap queens and ample amounts of fupa, then Bristol seems like a great place to visit. But quite frankly I’d rather live in Colrain. Just sayin. All I know is, it’s a miracle no one has identified anyone from this video. Maybe that’s because NBC thought this would be wise:
Oh yea, that’s helpful. Blur out all their faces. Luckily Turtleboy Sports is real news and we can show you their real ratchet faces. Someone out there has to know who they are. We would LOVE to know their names so we can have some fun with them. Let us know.