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This is Turtleboy vacation week and we’ve given our bloggers a week off to enjoy themselves. We’ll be reblogging some of our greatest hits this week though to help you remember the golden times.
West Warwick, RI is one of the most underrated dumps in New England. They came in at #5 in our official list of the Top 5 Dumpiest Towns in Rhode Island:
It really is a magical place of splendor and enchantment:
Anyway, Turtleboy was fascinated and stayed up late last night reading what is perhaps the most entertaining Facebook commentary ever on the West Warwick, RI Facebook page.
Nathan Harrington surrendered himself and is in custody. Thank you all for your assistance.
NATHAN HARRINGTON born in 1995
On 08-06-2016, West Warwick officers were dispatched to a large disturbance on Robert St. While responding to the scene, information was relayed that an involved individual, identified as Nathan Harrington, had fled the scene in a green Ford Escort. Soon thereafter, this same vehicle struck two parked (unattended) vehicles on Pond St. Harrington did not stop, but continued to drive. Minutes later, officers were dispatched to an address on Main St for an assault that had just occurred. Harrington was identified as the assailant and it was indicated that he had just fled in a green Ford Escort . As officers were responding to that location, they were diverted to a serious accident that had occurred in Phenix Square. Upon arrival, officers found that the same green Ford Escort had crossed over the center line and collided with another vehicle head-on. The collision was such, that an axle was torn from one of the vehicles. Officers learned that the driver of the Escort, once again identified as Nathan Harrington, had left his injured passenger inside the vehicle and fled into a wooded area. Officers checked the area, but they could not locate Harrington. During this investigation, it was learned that Harrington was also wanted by the Coventry Police Department for a Felony assault that had occurred two days before. Along with the Coventry warrant, Harrington is wanted by the West Warwick Police for leaving the scene of an accident resulting in injury, along with numerous traffic related offenses.
If you know where Harrington is, please call the West Warwick Police (821-4323 prompt zero) or the Coventry Police (826-1100 prompt zero).
So this guy is obviously a real winner. The vokestache with the goatee landing strip was a real touch of class. The best part is that his night of passion all happened behind the wheel of a green Ford escort – the official car of white trash everywhere. But seriously, I don’t know why this kid tried to hide. You’re a ginger dude. You’re like the easiest breed of people to find in America.
Oh yea, and the warrant that is out for him in Coventry is apparently for kidnapping a grown ass man:
I’ve never heard of a grown ass man being kidnapped, but then again this Turtleboy does not live in West Warwick. Happens all the time there.
Anyway, the commentary on this post was legendary. Mom made her grand entrance about halfway through:
Oh yea, and she’s apparently a nurse:
She also likes to post this inspirational quote a lot:
Which is weird, because apparently she’s already got a man/sperm donor, and his name is Robert Kowalski.
And his commentary was a West Warwick work of art.
I haven’t fucked anyone but you since 2008.”In West Warwick this qualifies as “romance.”
Robert Kowalski is also the father of Nathan Harrington, and naturally he moved to another beautiful American city after his West Warwick days ran out – Fall River:
Because, of course Fall River.
And it’s pretty shocking that Nathan Harrington would go on a crime spree like this while having an outstanding warrant in Coventry. After all, Robert Kowalski has been the ideal father. Lots of great Dads claim that they will “ride and die forever” with their criminal son:
And I know that Turtleboy often refers to Turtleboy Jr. as “my n word”:
You know what the least surprising part about this is? The Chicago Bulls flat brimmed cap. The official uniform of dooshnozzles everywhere.
He also lives by a strict code:
He is an aspiring model:
He eats at the finest restaurants Rhode Island has to offer:
He’s got a great car:
However, if you talk trash about his baby Momma there will be consequences:
And in case you didn’t see his first post, he will post multiple times a day just so the message is clear:
Anyway, Robert Kowalski OBVIOUSLY had to chime in on the West Warwick Facebook page. And of course he decided to go the route of threatening to kill West Warwick police officers if they attempted to arrest his criminal seed:
He was far from the only Nathan Harrington supporter though. And almost all of his supporters shared certain characteristics, such as teenage pregnancy, selfies, duck faces, facial piercings, flat brimmed hats, unrestrained machismo, and the English language skills of El Salvadorian villager.
First we found out that Nathan Harrington apparently got a 16 year old pregnant (who may or may not be his cousin)
It’s cool though, because everyone in their immediate circle of friends and family was on board with it:
OF COURSE the mother of a West Warwick 16 year old was on board with Nathan Harrington impregnating her minor child. Gianna would know.
And the best place to try out for Teen Mom in West Warwick is behind a dumpster while you’re holding a blow pop:
It’s every girl’s dream wedding!! Eat your heart out Nicholas Sparks!!!
Anyway, many of Nathan Harrington’s supporters were on the WWPD page posting alibis for him, because apparently those witnesses must have imagined a ginger in a green Ford Escort crashing into multiple cars before running into the woods:
Free my boi!!!
Although sometimes his supporters don’t understand who is supporting them and who isn’t:
Hey Trashly – Ray Colwell was attempting to provide your brother/cousin/future boyfriend with an alibi. He was not in fact snitchin’. Just sayin.
His alibi seems rock solid too. After all, he don’t got a car:
However, Maddie may also be a snitch:
Ouch!!! Some West Warwick drama!!! Is this true? We will have to confirm with Kelsey before reporting for sure!! Maddie is a real winner too:
As is Rene St. Pierre, which is an amazing name for a male:
At first we thought this guy might be bad news. Then we saw the crucifix and realize that he’s clearly a devoted follower of Jesus.
Although my favorite name of his supporters is probably this guy:
Trapboii may in fact be the greatest name of all time. When you see a face like this:
The first thing you think is, “that guy has to be named Trapboii El Chopa.”
Our girl Mary Jane made some strong points too:
Yea, they have no witnesses. Except for all those people who witnessed him smashing into cars on Main Street. If you just look past all of them Mary Jane’s logic is rock solid.
His supporters should probably get their stories straight though. Either it was him or it wasn’t. And if he WAS there, then you should probably go with the Joe Noury defense:
Everyone can relate to that comment. Sometimes you just have to run from the cops. It’s not easy being a West Warwick gangsta, right Joe?
I know Shannon agrees:
Although according to James Forte, it is actually him who the cops are looking for:
But wait, there are more people who have Nathan’s back and they are equally as magnificent!! For instance, Michelle Lee:
The All-Star parenting in West Warwick is what makes it such a fabulous tourist destination.
Anyway, Rhode Island really is a hidden gem of debauchery and hopefully this family never stops running afoul of the law and posting on Facebook because we could read this stuff all day.
P.S. Shoutout to whoever is running the West Warwick PD Facebook page. You the real MVP: