Politics

Republican Debate: Hilarious Opening Act For Jeb Bush’s Eventual Nomination

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Tonight was the first Republican debate for president, and it was the shitshow we all knew it would be. Everyone on Facebook and Twitter is buzzing about it and getting all fired up for their favorite candidates, as if any of this is in doubt. Personally, I don’t have a horse in the race. I’m just here to explain to you EXACTLY what is going to end up happening, because none of these debates actually matter. It’s already well known who will win the nomination.

First of all, how fitting is it that this debate and later the RNC, are gonna be in Cleveland? Fucking CLEVELAND. A city that is synonymous with misery and depression. You might as well put one of these together in Brockton.

It got off to a rousing start:

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This might be the greatest picture I’ve ever seen.

Secondly, how much of a loser do you have to be to debate in the JV debate? Because apparently they only picked 10 lucky ones to participate in the varsity debate. All the rejects had to do the 5:00 debate. It takes a special kind of poopsmooch to not even make the top 10 but still show up for the consolation debate:

early-republican-debate

LOL. Losers.

As for the “real” candidates, everyone’s fired up about Donald Trump. And watching this thing go on, I understand why. No matter what you think of him, he is entertaining as shit. And yes, he is destroying everyone in the polls.

But please, stop. Just stop. Donald Trump obviously isn’t a real candidate for president. He’s just here because he has spare cash and it’s something fun for him to do. He knows he’ll never be president, but apparently millions of Americans think this is a real thing. Just no.

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Let me make this really clear to everyone – there is a 90% chance Jeb Bush will be the Republican nominee. Because at the end of the day, that’s who gets the nomination for a major political party. Established people, with established names, who keep a low profile during the shitshow that is the primaries, don’t piss too many people off, and sneak into the nomination.

Sure, guys like Trump and Ben Carson are neat little treats that entertain us. Mike Huckabee will jump in there and talk about God. Chris Christie will talk about how he covered the teacher’s union with ranch sauce and ate them for second lunch. Rand Paul will talk about the bill of rights and freedom. Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio will try to convince us they’ll use their Latino instincts to sniff out every illegal immigrant and send them back to the moon. John Kasich will make you say, “who the fuck is that guy?”

But at the end of the day, this is just entertainment. It’s the opening act for the eventual nomination of Jeb Bush. The only one that can possibly have any chance of getting nominated is Scott Walker. He’s pretty popular. A Republican that got elected in a democratic state, got recalled, won by more, and then won again. Trump, Carson, Christie, Paul, Huckabee – these guys are just entertainers. Scott Walker is actually here to try to win. But at the end of the day, he just comes across as too much of a buttnut to ever get nominated. I mean, who can possibly love this face?

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He looks like a long lost Baldwin brother that Mrs. Baldwin put up for adoption because she partied too much during the pregnancy. AKA, more Vice President material.

And I’ve never heard Jeb Bush speak before tonight. I had no idea he was this boring. He’s like his brother George except he’s not entertaining and he comes across as smart. I’m actually really confused why their Dad let George run for President first. It’s like being at a Manning pickup football game and letting Cooper play quarterback.

But the bottom line is, people like Jeb Bush get nominations. That’s just a fact. Every year there’s a slew of entertainers like Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Michelle Bachman, Ron Paul, Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, and Rudy Guliani. They’re all just an opening act. I remember four years ago Herman Cain’s pizza shop was all the rage and people thought he was gonna win the nomination. But at the end of the day it went to the plastic guy named Mitt. Like we all knew it would. Before him it was John McCain, George Bush, Bob Dole, and George Bush. There’s nothing exciting or fun about any of those guys. That’s why they got nominated.

Oh yea, and the democrats are gonna nominate Hilary. Obviously. I mean, this whole Bernie Sanders thing is a nice little Facebook meme, but be serious for a minute. If you think for one second that the democratic party doesn’t sell out just like the republican party, then I got a nice little piece of beachfront property in Nebraska I’d like to sell you. People from Vermont who promise free college tuition don’t win nominations for president from major political parties. Take that jive to the Green Party.

 

And just to prove to you that I’m right, let’s look at the Vegas odds on this:

Screen Shot 2015-08-06 at 10.53.37 PM

She’s -700. You know what that means? It means she can’t possibly lose. Just for a point of reference, the Patriots are -140 to win the AFC East and the Bills are +400. Picture the Bills winning the AFC East. According to the professionals who set these odds, the Bills have a better chance of winning than Bernie Sanders. Yea, not happening. Then there’s the Republicans.

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Like I said, everyone on Facebook seems to think Donald Trump is a real candidate. He’s destroying everyone in the polls. But as you can see, no one would ever actually bet on him. They only put him at +750 so they’d entice dumbasses into betting on him. Free money. Jeb Bush is +150 now, which means take your children’s college fund and put everything on him. Because as the clown show starts to dwindle, the odds are gonna get more and more in his favor. He’ll be -300 within a couple of months. Marco Rubio is the only longshot I’d consider putting money on, but tonight he made it obvious that he’s just way too normal and will likely be forgotten during this circus.

Then there’s this bet:

Screen Shot 2015-08-06 at 10.53.57 PM

I’m not gonna lie, I like the Republican party for those odds. At this time 4 years ago it was even money and I bet on democratic party, because obviously democrats were gonna win. This time around I think it can go either way. At the end of the day I will place my bet by closing my eyes and thinking, “President Hilary Clinton.” Yea, that’s not happening. I just can’t picture it.

But if you don’t think the Republicans are gonna win in 2016, this is the bet for you:

Screen Shot 2015-08-06 at 10.54.01 PM

Like I said, Hilary is gonna get the democratic nomination. So if you think the democrats are gonna win the whole thing, why would you take the -165 bet on the democratic party when you can take the -110 bet on female gender, since we already know who is gonna get the nomination from the democratic party?

Ultimately it will be Bush vs. Clinton, and Bush is gonna win. Because at the end of the day, democracy in America is really just 40 years of two family rule with a black guy tossed in there for fun.

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16 Comment(s)
  • oneopinion
    hanginpossum
    August 7, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    On the dem side I have Biden and O’Malley in that order for the nomination. I don’t think it will be Clinton Bush because even though I thought both Bushes were great and Clinton good aside from all that long pattern of coercion and real estate scam and lying under oath and pardening etc.

    On the republican side the varsity team looked worse than the JV team. Nobody wants Trump arguing with Putin with “the” red button sitting on his desk. Nobody wants that. He’s good for the party because there’s less bullshit allowed and he’s making the kinds of connections and getting the kind of attention right now that would otherwise cost him a lot more. I don’t know how the likes of Graham and Huckabee even reached the stage.

    Fiorina is definitely in the cabinet if a rightly wins. Perry and Jindal move with Fiorina into top ten as Graham, Huckabee, and….. TRUMP move out.

    College is the biggest scam in the United States and the proof is that the best minds in business never finished college because they were smart enough and confident enough to know that it held them back. The same may be true in politics. Scott Walker is my top pick even though I hate the idea of someone spending a career in government running the most inefficient entity there is.

  • An etymologist here
    August 7, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    Scott Walker always looks like he is high on cold meds. Like he is swilling Robitisson.

  • tudor turtle
    August 7, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    this is way too early. the election is over a year away if the republicans want the turtleboy endorsement, they need to jump into a “mosh-pit” .

  • juror seven
    August 7, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    They all need to stop talking about Hillary Clinton and start talking about what they plan to do. She’s at the least questionable and at the most dishonest. Leave it there, if you want my vote, I want to hear your game plan.

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    August 7, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    For the time being I’m behind Bernie Sanders. He may have about as much chance at winning as I do of getting elected Pope, but he’s the candidate who most closely aligns with my stance on the issues.

    • oneopinion
      Hanginpossum
      August 12, 2015 at 10:57 pm

      Your satire is sharp. Sanders isn’t my guy but he has principles and if you want to see something different that’s what you need. If Sanders is the Dem nomininee I might just vote for him to see what the hell happens. A guy in his 60s with 300k to his name isn’t president material but it’s more legite than inheriting 300 million.

      Although I lean rightish Trump was born rich. Very rich. That by itself I don’t mind but to be born that rich and pretend that you made the money is disingenuous. The run for president is disingenuous. He got richer by branding how rich he was and continues. Who will be his VP, Paris Hilton?

  • Dude
    August 7, 2015 at 10:43 am

    Unfortunately, this will be yet another election where I vote for someone to prevent another from getting into office instead of voting for someone because I want them in office. Meh, I guess I’m used to it by now, but I would like to have at least one election in my lifetime that I could say “I really stand by *insert politician here* and believe in his/her message. I’m happy to vote for *insert politician here*”.

  • anon
    August 7, 2015 at 10:40 am

    Jeb Bush = Cuckservative

    I’ll vote for an independent Trump and let Hillary win before I hand Bush an election just for existing.
    That it’s even possible for two families to be running the country back to back like this is shameful.

  • Thornton Melon
    August 7, 2015 at 8:50 am

    It’s hard to disagree with your assessment, except that the Bush name is certainly tarnished at best. I personally will be disappointed in the end if Rand Paul isn’t President because he’s the only nominee I can even get 75% behind, but he obviously isn’t conservative enough for our gun-toting rosary beed brothers. I can’t see the country sinking into the Atlantic though unless Bernie or Trump became President. Still have my fingers crossed on Bernie running as a third party and splitting the Dem vote.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      August 7, 2015 at 12:27 pm

      Bernie is running as a Democrat specifically to avoid splitting the vote.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    Frank Lee
    August 7, 2015 at 8:42 am

    your right about Jeb but you left out the most important reason-he has the most and best donors. follow the money…

    If so Hillary (if they don’t put her in jail 1st) in a landslide.

  • Maggie the Cat
    August 7, 2015 at 7:42 am

    In a slight defense of Cleveland, they do have the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. Disclaimer: I do not know anyone in or from Cleveland, nor am I a publicist for Cleveland.

    But…I don’t think I can bring myself to vote for Jeb Bush either.

  • Wheelwright
    August 7, 2015 at 6:08 am

    As a lifelong conservative, if Jon Bush is the nominee I have better things to do that day than vote because all you will be getting Hitlery Clinton in a better suit. He’s a progressive, just like his brother.

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