Tonight was the first Republican debate for president, and it was the shitshow we all knew it would be. Everyone on Facebook and Twitter is buzzing about it and getting all fired up for their favorite candidates, as if any of this is in doubt. Personally, I don’t have a horse in the race. I’m just here to explain to you EXACTLY what is going to end up happening, because none of these debates actually matter. It’s already well known who will win the nomination.
First of all, how fitting is it that this debate and later the RNC, are gonna be in Cleveland? Fucking CLEVELAND. A city that is synonymous with misery and depression. You might as well put one of these together in Brockton.
It got off to a rousing start:
This might be the greatest picture I’ve ever seen.
Secondly, how much of a loser do you have to be to debate in the JV debate? Because apparently they only picked 10 lucky ones to participate in the varsity debate. All the rejects had to do the 5:00 debate. It takes a special kind of poopsmooch to not even make the top 10 but still show up for the consolation debate:
As for the “real” candidates, everyone’s fired up about Donald Trump. And watching this thing go on, I understand why. No matter what you think of him, he is entertaining as shit. And yes, he is destroying everyone in the polls.
But please, stop. Just stop. Donald Trump obviously isn’t a real candidate for president. He’s just here because he has spare cash and it’s something fun for him to do. He knows he’ll never be president, but apparently millions of Americans think this is a real thing. Just no.
Let me make this really clear to everyone – there is a 90% chance Jeb Bush will be the Republican nominee. Because at the end of the day, that’s who gets the nomination for a major political party. Established people, with established names, who keep a low profile during the shitshow that is the primaries, don’t piss too many people off, and sneak into the nomination.
Sure, guys like Trump and Ben Carson are neat little treats that entertain us. Mike Huckabee will jump in there and talk about God. Chris Christie will talk about how he covered the teacher’s union with ranch sauce and ate them for second lunch. Rand Paul will talk about the bill of rights and freedom. Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio will try to convince us they’ll use their Latino instincts to sniff out every illegal immigrant and send them back to the moon. John Kasich will make you say, “who the fuck is that guy?”
But at the end of the day, this is just entertainment. It’s the opening act for the eventual nomination of Jeb Bush. The only one that can possibly have any chance of getting nominated is Scott Walker. He’s pretty popular. A Republican that got elected in a democratic state, got recalled, won by more, and then won again. Trump, Carson, Christie, Paul, Huckabee – these guys are just entertainers. Scott Walker is actually here to try to win. But at the end of the day, he just comes across as too much of a buttnut to ever get nominated. I mean, who can possibly love this face?
He looks like a long lost Baldwin brother that Mrs. Baldwin put up for adoption because she partied too much during the pregnancy. AKA, more Vice President material.
And I’ve never heard Jeb Bush speak before tonight. I had no idea he was this boring. He’s like his brother George except he’s not entertaining and he comes across as smart. I’m actually really confused why their Dad let George run for President first. It’s like being at a Manning pickup football game and letting Cooper play quarterback.
But the bottom line is, people like Jeb Bush get nominations. That’s just a fact. Every year there’s a slew of entertainers like Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Michelle Bachman, Ron Paul, Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, and Rudy Guliani. They’re all just an opening act. I remember four years ago Herman Cain’s pizza shop was all the rage and people thought he was gonna win the nomination. But at the end of the day it went to the plastic guy named Mitt. Like we all knew it would. Before him it was John McCain, George Bush, Bob Dole, and George Bush. There’s nothing exciting or fun about any of those guys. That’s why they got nominated.
Oh yea, and the democrats are gonna nominate Hilary. Obviously. I mean, this whole Bernie Sanders thing is a nice little Facebook meme, but be serious for a minute. If you think for one second that the democratic party doesn’t sell out just like the republican party, then I got a nice little piece of beachfront property in Nebraska I’d like to sell you. People from Vermont who promise free college tuition don’t win nominations for president from major political parties. Take that jive to the Green Party.
And just to prove to you that I’m right, let’s look at the Vegas odds on this:
She’s -700. You know what that means? It means she can’t possibly lose. Just for a point of reference, the Patriots are -140 to win the AFC East and the Bills are +400. Picture the Bills winning the AFC East. According to the professionals who set these odds, the Bills have a better chance of winning than Bernie Sanders. Yea, not happening. Then there’s the Republicans.
Like I said, everyone on Facebook seems to think Donald Trump is a real candidate. He’s destroying everyone in the polls. But as you can see, no one would ever actually bet on him. They only put him at +750 so they’d entice dumbasses into betting on him. Free money. Jeb Bush is +150 now, which means take your children’s college fund and put everything on him. Because as the clown show starts to dwindle, the odds are gonna get more and more in his favor. He’ll be -300 within a couple of months. Marco Rubio is the only longshot I’d consider putting money on, but tonight he made it obvious that he’s just way too normal and will likely be forgotten during this circus.
Then there’s this bet:
I’m not gonna lie, I like the Republican party for those odds. At this time 4 years ago it was even money and I bet on democratic party, because obviously democrats were gonna win. This time around I think it can go either way. At the end of the day I will place my bet by closing my eyes and thinking, “President Hilary Clinton.” Yea, that’s not happening. I just can’t picture it.
But if you don’t think the Republicans are gonna win in 2016, this is the bet for you:
Like I said, Hilary is gonna get the democratic nomination. So if you think the democrats are gonna win the whole thing, why would you take the -165 bet on the democratic party when you can take the -110 bet on female gender, since we already know who is gonna get the nomination from the democratic party?
Ultimately it will be Bush vs. Clinton, and Bush is gonna win. Because at the end of the day, democracy in America is really just 40 years of two family rule with a black guy tossed in there for fun.