I had the pleasure today of having the story of the recent Revere Mayoral Election recounted to me by a resident of Revere. About halfway through I was able to fully discern that this was not the plot to a Martin Scorsese film, but instead an actual, real life event that transpired in Revere, where two mayoral candidates went head-to-head in a battle to reign supreme over one of the shittiest ratchet havens in all of Massachusetts, the birthplace of this fine specimen, Turtleboy hoodrat hero Billy Bagnara, AKA, “Billy Baggz”.

Ah, Billy. We’ve missed you so. Billy’s been hard at work filming shitty music videos for even shittier songs, like this fun little melody entitled “12 Steps Of The Streets”,

Which conveniently left out the 13th step of the street – getting jammed out of your skull and behind the wheel of a car with no valid driver’s license.

Damn, who woulda thunk it?

So naturally, having found himself on the wrong side of the law yet again, Billy took the logical next step and picked himself up, cleaned up his act, and got involved in local politics. Just kidding. He inserted himself into one of the dirtiest local elections I’ve ever heard of, and went hard supporting this fuckin’ guy.

Snitches get stitches.

Billy’s career in politics has turned out to be just as illustrious as the rap career he once attempted to abandon his family to pursue, as can be seen in the constant, rambling posts he spewed all over the internet in a baffling attempt to, uh…help….Arrigo’s campaign?

It’s an election, Billy, not 8 mile. Leave your shitty rap lyrics at the door. Fuck’s sake.

This one has to be my favorite, though.

What is it that you do for work, Billy?

Oh, right. Almost forgot!

Being the self-motivated and professional go-getter that he is, Billy wasn’t content just posting word salad topped off with an excessive amount of hashtagged nonsense on Facebook. Oh, no. He really put his boots on the ground and hit the streets to help the Arrigo campaign even more. Like, when he mocked a suicide victim the day after he was found deceased in a totally well thought out attempt to make Arrigo’s opponent look bad:

Or when he verbally accosted a confused-looking elderly gentleman,

Because if you won’t fight someone’s grandpa for your candidate, do you even local politics, bruh?

And of course, no successful mayoral campaign until an out-of-control lunatic junkie commits malicious damage to a motor vehicle, right out in the open and on camera, all in the name of reelection.

Now that’s some great optics!

Any sane individual hoping for any semblance of longevity for their political career would know to drop this clown faster than Billy dropped his own responsibilities as a father and stay even further away. But apparently not Brian Arrigo, because when your constituents consist of people like this:

There’s no sport at all to the race unless you openly embrace a lunatic or two, and allow someone like Billy to cling to the delusion that he is somehow an actual functioning adult deserving of respect and admiration.

If you think I’m being harsh about the city of Revere – I’m not. Because somehow, despite all of Billy’s best efforts to tank the campaign worse than he tanked his red-hot career as Revere’s best rapper with a revoked license and smack addiction, Arrigo won. And the victory speech Billy gave on his behalf is just magnificent.

So classy. I imagine the DNC will be calling him up any day now to start leading the charge against Trump. He’s certainly one hell of an asset to any campaign.