Hoodrat Heroes

Spectacular Stripper Family Members, Internet Lawyers Rush To Defend Pawtucket Man Who Admits Illegally Buying Food Stamps From Deadbeats

It wouldn’t be a story about ratchets unless Internet lawyers and the fam showed up to defend food stamp fraud.

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Earlier today we shared this story about a Pawtucket man looking to buy food stamps on the Facebook machine:


Of course none of this was surprising because this is what constitutes high end property in Pawtucket.


Nuff said.

And just like so many who have been exposed on Turtleboy Sports, Keane Marcello came back to defend his honor in the comments section:


Yea, I hate when times get “rug.” Luckily when things are “rug” for the downtrodden the government will give them taxpayer funded food stamps so they can feed their families. But if they then sell those food stamps to some failed barber from Pawtucket so they can buy drugs or booze or something else the EBT card can’t buy, it kind of defeats the purpose of government assistance. But hey, I guess ratchets gotta do what they gotta do. After all, Gee’s Liquor store doesn’t appear to accept EBT:



It’s cool though, because everyone does it:


No Keane. Normal people would not accept an offer of $200 worth of food stamps for $100. As a matter of fact, normal people would probably never find themselves in such an ethical predicament. The fact that you assume that people can relate to this hypothetical situation tells us everything we need to know about the crowds you run in.

But, it’s all good as long as you’re only on one side of an illegal, fraudulent transaction, right?


Makes sense to me. Next time you get caught buying heroin that can be your excuse.


Yes, 90% of people on food stamps can’t make ends up. This is why they get EBT. So they can buy food. If you’re buying it off them so they can have cash, they’re obviously not using that money to buy LESS food then they’d be able to buy with food stamps.

It’s OK, because he’s paying “high taxes”:


No, you’re not robbing single mothers. You’re robbing the taxpayers.

Looks like he learned his lesson though. LOL. Just kidding, he says he’s gonna keep doing it:



The real question is, why do any of us care? How is this “affection” our lifestyle anyway?


GFQ. Never thought of it that way.

Anyway, Keane is obviously wicked smart, so he doesn’t understand how this simple concept works. He seems to legitimately believe he’s doing nothing wrong, which is why he’s bragging about committing fraud on social media. He also shared the blog on his Facebook page, which immediately brought out the Internet lawyers:


Hey Darrell Martin, come on down!! You’re the next contestant on Turtleboy Internet Lawsuit Court!!!


Darrell is clearly a man who knows what he’s talking about:



Let’s see what he’s going to sure us for:


Once again, slander is for spoken defamation, and libel is for written defamation. Also defamation involves things that are not true, and our blog was a collection of screenshots that Darrell’s client proudly posted on his Facebook page. But none of that has ever stopped someone with a Facebook law degree from filing suit.

But given that the plaintiff in this case has already publicly admitted to wrongdoing, what was Darrell Matlock’s strategy going to be? Well, apparently he was planning on going with the “stamp collection” strategy”:


Sounds pretty foolproof. Until you see that he literally posts the same thing on the first of every month, looking for “stamps”:


And when someone wanted to know what kind of stamps he was referencing, he let them know quite clearly it was not ink stamps:


Oops!!! May we suggest you use the foolproof Shaggy defense – “It wasn’t me.” No matter what they have on you, just say those three magical words and all your problems will disappear. That’s what famed Internet Attorney Dick N. Vulva would do:


Anyway, whenever these amazing creatures make their way into the comments section they’re usually followed shortly afterwards by the fam. And Keane’s fam did not disappoint:


Oh good, his teenaged daughter is here to defend his honor. Because what high school girl hasn’t found themselves in a situation in which they have to defend their father’s illegal food stamp Yankee Swap side business? And as you can see, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree:


It’s true. Mrs. Turtleboy was just saying that to me the other day. Didn’t have the same effect without the 100 emoji though.


As it turns out Keane’s offspring already has its own offspring, which makes him a grandfather in his mid 30’s. In other words, he’s your average Pawtucket lifer. It’s cool though, because one day she’s gonna be “shitting on all of you’s” because she’s on the honor roll:


Sounds like they’ve got pretty rigorous standards over there.

Anyway, she couldn’t handle this on her own so she had to tag in her insightful friend Casandra:


It wouldn’t be a Pawtucket party if Daddy didn’t chime in with “fuck this cunt” at the end.

Casandra is obviously a role model for her foul mouthed friend. Maybe this is what Janae meant when she said she’d be “shitting on all of you’s” one day:


I mean, I know some of the performers at the Cadillac Lounge aren’t afraid to bend the rules a little bit, but I’m not sure if any of them would actually take an actual shit on you.

Anyway, Casandra made some really, really good points:




It’s true. I know the first thing I think when I see someone abusing food stamps is, “I’m jealous of this ratchet individual.” Looks like “Laura” won’t be getting any lap dances the next time she ventures into the Cadillac Lounge.

The bottom line is, these cheesehogs are abusing the system. Food stamps are fine and we don’t have a problem with helping the downtrodden get back on their feet. But too many people blatantly abuse it, and it seems like politicians don’t care. Because they just promise more free shit in exchange for votes. But the taxpayers of Rhode Island have already been robbed blind by Curt Schilling. They’ve been through enough. So we suggest reporting them to the Rhode Island Department of Human Services. You can find all their contact on their Facebook page by clicking here. Send them a link to the blog. I mean, it’s a full fledged confession. If they’re not gonna do something about this then why do they exist? I’ll tell you one thing – none of this would be happening if they had elected our boy Al Dente governor in 2014:



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12 Comment(s)
  • Sarcasm at her best
    January 31, 2017 at 2:58 am

    How cute of Al to say he is running for Governor of the great state of Rhode Island! My daughter also has special needs and thinks up some wild ideas, I encourage her to do what makes her feel good about herself as long as there is no harm involved. Maybe we can all contact RI state house and let them know about AL, they may let him tag along for a day to make him feel special! I love to support those with special needs!! ROCK ON BUDDY

  • Wabbitt
    January 3, 2017 at 4:50 pm

    I’m still not completely convinced Al Dente isn’t just a figment of someone’s twisted imagination.

  • mb
    January 3, 2017 at 3:37 pm

    Finishing this off with Al Dente was perfect

  • LLC
    January 3, 2017 at 3:31 pm


    -honors student = you’s.

    -Dad to daughter: “Fuck this cunt.”

    -off to work at a strip joint.

    -suggests sucking her dad’s dick.

    -explains that her dad doesnt get food stamps that’s why he asking for some.


    PART 2,3,4,5…I beg of you.

    • Alexandra
      January 19, 2017 at 11:11 am

      An honor student too mind you NOT a honor student *face palm*

  • I heart boobies
    January 3, 2017 at 7:51 am

    I bet Cassandra knows a thing or two about sucking dick.

    • Buck Futts
      January 3, 2017 at 12:30 pm

      …for EBT

  • Sexual Chocolate
    January 3, 2017 at 7:36 am

    Hood rats gonna hood rat.

    January 3, 2017 at 7:15 am

    Wow how the turtle has fallen. Absolutely nothing worth reading here anymore. Your numbers have to be way down. Well I guess it was good while it lasted.

    • Wabbitt
      January 3, 2017 at 4:47 pm

      And yet, here you are anyway. Keep clicking those links shithead.

  • hardyhar
    January 3, 2017 at 1:30 am

    I was reading Keane’s “times r rug” post and suddenly thought of the
    “Everybody Hates Chris” episode when the father finds $200 worth of food stamps but the mother is too embarrassed to use them…not that these folks apparently would have that problem.

  • jon
    January 3, 2017 at 1:18 am

    back when they were giving out 200 for emergency stamps a month id trade for 3 fat 40ty rocks. the good old days

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