Hoodrat Heroes

Springfield Cheesehogs Get In To Fender Bender, Start Brawling In The Middle Of The Street, Then Out Comes A Baseball Bat For Some Skull-Cracking Fun

Only in Springfield would you see a fender bender resulting in an all out brawl and someone getting beat with a bat.

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An amazing Turtlerider sent this to us a few hours ago and it’s gold. Seems like three cars, one of which isn’t seen, according to the recorder of the video, got into a fender bender because, well, we just had a blizzard yesterday. The roads aren’t in prime condition and yet cheesehogs like these seem to continue to drive like they are in the Fast and the Furious.

Anyways, the Turtlerider said that the first car was also yelling, but decided it wasn’t worth fussing over anymore, and left. Then the other two cars, which seem to be packed with people, start duking it out in the street.

It looks like most of the war beats aren’t wearing pants.  Because most hood bunnies from Springfield think leggings are pants regardless of their ass looking like crumbled feta in them. I’m guessing they probably slurped their fupes in to some Lula No and felt feisty enough to start a street fight.

Let’s do a Fupasloth Fight play by play!

So this happened at 1441 Main Street in front of the TD bank. You can see the security guard trying to shimmy himself across the ice to stop the brawl. The trunk of the black car is already open. I’m guessing this is where the bat came from. 

Hogs 1-4 start barrel-assing around Main Street bumping off the first car. The Red Hog is slamming the Beige Parka Hog against the car.

Meanwhile the DWP truck just skates on by like they didn’t have a dog in this fight. The hogs o’ cheese, one of whom (Bright Blue Hog) is obviously like nine months pregnant,  are all fumbling around like maniacs and end up with the usual hair pulling and yanking one another back and forth. I can’t stand bitches fighting. The hair pulling and slapping make me ashamed of my gender. 

Security Bro is like “Naaaaah! Ya’ll ain’t got to throw down! I’m going to stop this from ten feet away!”

Now you have Pale Blue Hog trying to yank her pal, Beige Parka Hog, off the two fupers from the black car. Beige Parka Hog seems to be the only one who owns a coat. Just thought that was worth mentioning. img_0545

That’s when Red Shirt Hog brings out the bat and starts trying to hammer Pale Blue Hog. Red Shirt Hog misses and manages to hit the seemingly pregnant Bright Blue Hog in the shoulder. Nothing says hood rat like beating your pregnant pal with a bat.

Bright Blue Hog starts chasing Pale Blue Hog back to the car.img_0550 img_0547

Meanwhile, security dude is trying to stop the Red Shirt Hog from swinging the bat anymore. Kudos to security dude. This wasn’t even in the bank he was supposed to be guarding. It was in the public street. He went above the call of duty.

Bright Blue Momma Hog succeeds in backing the Pale Blue Hog in to the passenger side of the second vehicle. Pale Blue Hog and Beige Parka Hog get in the car and take off while Bright Blue Momma Hog continues screaming and directing them in to traffic. Red Shirt Hog, in one final act of defiance, spits on the car as they drive away. It was all she could do because security dude is stopping her from smashing the window with her Hog Bat.

This was pure gold and just what we needed to see on this dismal Friday.

If any of you know who these people are we would love to find out. I bet you their Facebook pages are straight fire. Message Desk Girl with the goods.




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9 Comment(s)
    February 12, 2017 at 1:00 am

    Not for nothing but if you travel with a bat in your trunk you probably get into road rage predicaments more often than not… Smh.. two words… GROW UP! that or anger management thank you turtle girl for yet another epic article! Keep em coming these blogs are my new guilty pleasure!

  • Dick Dover
    February 11, 2017 at 3:34 pm

    Pro-tip, don’t bust out the bat unless you take care of all the witnesses with it too.

  • Sloppy
    February 11, 2017 at 3:03 pm

    What’s that building in the background, the welfare office?

    I remember when that tornado went through Springfield a few years back. The news folks on the radio and television were saying that Springfield needed to be “cleaned up after the tornado”.
    That confused me; I’d thought the tornado had already cleaned up Springfield…

  • whatevuh
    February 11, 2017 at 6:42 am

    Build a wall around Springfield and use it for tactical nuke practice . . . .

  • Lola Bunny
    February 10, 2017 at 11:39 pm

    Springfield is horrible now. Used to go there when the mob was running the show and it was fun. Then after that it just got worse and worse. 9 years ago I saw a guy get shot right on Main St. (couple blocks from this baseball bat incident). He died on the sidewalk. I try to stay away from it now except for the occasional hockey games at mass mutual center, and for business during the day, which is usually pretty safe.

  • Dick Dover
    February 10, 2017 at 7:19 pm

    Only 2 out of 5 had passing complexions. Things that make you go hmmm

  • Archie
    February 10, 2017 at 6:26 pm

    Beige Parka Hog…..New band name. Called it !

  • ZephyrCat
    February 10, 2017 at 6:00 pm

    TurtleGirl, That was beautiful play-by-play AND color analysis!! You’re the Dick Vitale of HogFighting!!!!

  • Worcester County Trap Queen
    February 10, 2017 at 5:32 pm

    With tempers like that it’s no wonder they shoot one another
    so much down there.

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