Some guy in Springfield was minding his own business, chilling on top of the Cumberland Farm’s roof (don’t ask questions, it’s Springfield, sometimes you just end up on the Cumby’s roof) near “The X” intersection, when he saw two love birds working out some kinks in their relationship the Springfield way – by running each other over with a car in a funeral home parking lot.
“At least he’s at a funeral home.”
So Springfield it hurts.
This is what couple’s therapy looks like in Springfield. It starts with driving across a busy street and plowing your boyfriend for taking your last crack rock.
Then the male gives her a Forest Park high five by punching her in the face when she gets out of the vehicle.
He looks like he’s about to let her leave.
But then he remembers, “oh yea, she uses this thing as a weapon,” and attempts to prevent her from leaving by keeping the door open, kicking her in the baby cavern, and giving her a foot rub so she can’t use the gas pedal.
Don’t worry though guys – they worked things out.
Sad part is that there are people out there who actually believe that this is a normal way for couples to work through their issues.
Yea, they were totally fine. Couples fight. Sometimes that means getting into shouting matches about who’s turn it is to do the dishes, and other times it means running your man over with a car, getting Chuck Norrised in the ovaries, and going home to share a crack pipe before engaging in make up sex on a blowup mattress. Completely normal.
Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:
Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.
Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy:
That chest kick made me proud
To be fair, that Ty Mullen guy is clearly kidding with the “They were fine” comment. Not sure how you missed the 3 crying/laughing emojis. There’s no way he was being serious.
I was working in Springfield yesterday. There were so many cars out, you’d have no idea there is a stay-at-home order in place.
Sh*t boggles my mind.
Nothing says “I love you” quite like a good hard kick, right in the cunt.
Cumberland Farm’s, still the best real coffee in America.
that said, her boyfriend punches like a frantic little girl, luckily for lead-foot. the after vehicular homicide sex must have been great.
Here is hoping COVID-19 goes through these shithole communities like a warm knife through butter.
Then all these inconveniences will be worth it. Kill em all.
At first glance I thought it was Giselle letting Tommy know she wasn’t fully comfortable in their marriage.
Heeeeeeey!!! I’M TICKLED PINK THAT THE PRIDE PARADE WILL GO ON PLANNED! HOPE TO SEE ALL OF YOU THERE AND PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! WEAR SOMETHING FABULOUS AND FESTIVE!!!!!!
Ty Mullen the obese, smoker you’re the kind of slob that catches Corona on a Monday is hospitalized by Wed, ventilator by Wed night and dead as a beached fish by Thursday morning. That would make things even between you and human society, you snitch.
All you TOUGH GUYS who like to beat women must love this video. If a woman is that angry at you it’s time to put on your thinking cap about what you might have done to deserve it. Getting bumped and knocked down by a plastic bumper is NO excuse for him violently punching and kicking a woman.
He should have broken the cunts jaw. You want to act like a man get smacked like a man.
it’s called mansplaining
I was born and raised in Charlestown I come from a big family my parents have 8 of us ok and adopted on top of the 8 my father is IRISH & my mom is Native American my dad always said to us girls don’t hit a man and not think one won’t hit u back if your gunna hit a man be Expected to get hit like one cause I was that sister always running up to one of my brothers punching the shit out of them but my Mom raised us right my brothers do not hit women they are against it we grew up around our father hitting our mother and it’s very very true when they say ur daughters will end up being with a man that will abuse her cause she’s watched it no one ever thought I would of been the one to take it cause I was always the fighter but I did for years and years and years I let my husband beat on me put me in icu and never not one time did I call the cops cause we just don’t call cops we deal with it our self but when I started to focus on my self and see that I had self worth I seen that it wasn’t right cause to me getting fucked up everyday was NORMAL TO ME IT WAS JUST ANOTHER DAY IN MY LIFE BUT SOMETHING CLICKED AND I SEEN I WAS BETTER THEN THAT I WAS A WOMEN AND A MOTHER AND I SEEN MY KIDS CRYING AND NOPE NOT LETTING MY KIDS GROW UP TO BE LIKE THIS NOWAY IM 38 yr old my husband n I are still together about to be grandparents our daughter is 22 married own place two jobs and we have t put our hands on eachother in years now
But I’m sorry a bitch hits my son with a car he better fuck her ass up to!! I DONT AGREE WITH DV BUT NO BITCH WILL RUN MY SONS OVER WOTH A CAR AND THEN GET OUT I DONT BLAME HIM FOR FUCKING HER CRAZY ASS UP BUT I WOULD ALSO GET MY BOY AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY BITXH
Bumped by a plastic bumper u idiot she drove a car into him at about 40 miles a hour that’s more then getting bumped she deserved to get punched in the head
You cant have it both ways.
I am a delicate flower and then I am a rambo. Thats the problem these days. Women dont o ow their role and think they are both the man and the women and they want to emasculate men.
You plsy hard then you get hit hard.
Know their role
The real crime here is she parked in a handicapped space, that’s unacceptable.
PMS, anger, cheating baby daddy, crack and a car is a very bad mix.
Kick in crotch cause slanted pussy.
At least he can’t be charged with A&B shod foot after losing his Jordan upon impact
I have a friend that is a female divorce attorney that specializes in working with fathers. She once said to me “I don’t understand how more of these women don’t end up murdered?”
A couple of friends were snipers now they are sitting around while their talents waste away. Give them back their 50.cal rifle and their spotter put them on some Cumby’s roofs and thin the ratchet herd.
I’m getting lonely taking out all these retards by myself.
where are they going to put the corona virus when it catches you? Keep doing God’s work Mr.Norris
You wanna know what I like the most?????
Let’s get this done.
Glad a black wasn’t filing that so we didn’t have to hear “YO THAT’S A FEMALE” 35 times
I don’t condone hitting a chick but I understand it…this time
Calm the fuck down, Tina
You left the fuckin’ toilet seat up again!!!!
hello, does anyone know if the Pride parade is still a go for June? We have a wonderfully colorful rainbow float planned and it would just be terrible and ruin our summer if it was canceled.
Ah springtime,love is the air
Tried to run him over then circled back because she wanted to discuss “how he wasn’t meeting my emotional needs”.
Typicaly men are physical abusive and Women are psychologically abusive. Psychological/emotional abuse doesn’t leave impressive photos for a jury like a black eye or swollen lip. She drained your bank account fucked your best friend and got you fired by sending offensive emails to your boss from your phone.
Well toughen up cookie, it’s your fault for letting a woman out smart you ha ha ha! Seriously it is your fault for giving her the password to your phone.
Springfield street zombies can’t climb ladders without falling so your best crossbow position is somewhere vertical like a roof.
ps. Was that the same hero couple that drove 110 mph at night through red lights in Springfield with their kids in the back seat to report the kidnapper and got a heroes welcome and 15 minutes of fame. But it turned out to be a motorist 20 miles away that made the call that led to the kidnappers apprehension.
There aren’t a lot of times where I think it’s okay for a guy to hit a girl, but if she hits you with her car in an attempt to kill you, I think it’s justified.
It’s time to require airbags on the outsides of cars. If it saves just one life….
Woman hits man with a car then gets out and crosses her arms believing (female immunity) will protect her.
Man’s possible broken femur no biggie, raging adrenalin of an injured drug addict no biggie, I’ll just cross my arms and begin my Female Splaining.
How many more Mr Speaker? How many more?
I have never in my 60+ years on this earth been in a relationship that would ever come close to this bad. I’ve been with some real losers.
The amount of couples I see with jealousy issues, lack of trust, nonexistent sex life and overall lack of respect for each other amazes me. If every time you find your girlfriend talking to another guy you go into a rage and start worrying that she is cheating on you, you probably need to figure out why you think she would want to cheat on you. If you’re being the best man you can be and she’s looking elsewhere what da fuck are you going to do about it? Let that whore go find out the grass isn’t always greener. If she isn’t having sex with you, she isn’t attracted to you. Period. Nothing you can do to change that. Move on.
Don’t let the bitch run you over. It ain’t worth it. The longer you stay, the longer the agony. After the 3rd, 7th, or 13th fight with your mate, you gotta start taking the hint. It don’t work.
Still a more stable and loving relationship than Failure Swift and her pet husband.
Ah, there’s the one down-vote.
Some schmuck down-votes every post I make at least once no matter how popular that is – even the limericks. (Note – people down-voting the limericks need a reality check and a dry slap). 🙂
Show yourself, cunt and make your point. Otherwise, off you fuck.
It was nice to see Stone Cold Steve Austin throwing haymakers, but I was more impressed by the distance he got from the stomach kick.
Just savages being savages !
Diversity is our strength, remember?
Cretins like these two is why nobody lives in Springfield unless they have to !
Shit like this makes me cringe… So glad I got out of a toxic relationship years ago and lived to tell about it.. However I never ran the asshole over with my car..
# ratchetrelationshipgoals #usagainstdaworldyo
Springtime is for lovers..
The headline says that they were running each other over. Where is the video of him running her over. I was promised that, now deliver
I guess the takeaway here is, sometimes you are just safer on the roof of Cumby’s!
Its dey culture stoopid
The camera man has me laughing haha Like people are fucking crazy these days haha I’m still surprised I haven’t seen this type of shit lately in Brockvegas Or Scab River.