This has to be one of the highlight weeks of my blogging career thus far, you guys. I’m making more enemies online than Paula Deen at a NAACP conference. Each feud is more ridiculous and entertaining than the last – and it’s only Tuesday morning.

Take these two fine young Americans.

Yesterday I wrote a blog about Stef Guarnaccia, a whiny professional victim bashing the police for asking that she move her car out of the handicap parking space she was illegally parked in, while going into an unnecessary amount of detail that just made her look sketchy. Naturally, she wasn’t happy about the whole thing, and instead sliding in our DMs like most ratchets do, she decided to enlist the people of Twitter to help her.

Oh no, not another DEFORMATION lawsuit! I’m doomed! Seriously, did we even read the same article, or nah? Where did I post addresses, etc? I did not. I did say you both look like junkies, but that’s just a pointed observation because….

Yeah. Sorry, can’t help you there, although I bet you’d both be big hits at a Dias De Los Muertos celebration.

We didn’t “fuck over” your reputation, Stef. We don’t have that power. Only you do, and you chose to use it to whine about “police harassment” and obsess over drug use in a community page post with it. I’m just the casual observer here. And now I’m casually observing that your Tweet obviously didn’t get the reaction you were shooting for, because 2 hours after the first one….

And then a few hours and tweets later, she finally realizes how stupid she looks:

That’s progress. You’re welcome, Stef. Maybe next week we can take on how to park in legally designated areas – I’m here to help.

But the real fun comes in when you wander over to her effeminate Mrs. Potato Head boyfriend, who had some words for me in between taking rips off his Newport.

Oh. My. God. Holy bananas, Batman, what a fruitbasket we have here!

I don’t know which part is my favorite. There is just so much going on in those 3 minutes and 26 seconds, and yet…so little.

Maybe the park when he bumbles through lisping out a list of acquaintances and family members I have not once mentioned, nor do I have any commentary on to date whatsoever, before finally settling on a ratchet favorite – his daughter. Well, stepdaughter really, but that just doesn’t have the same impact, now does it?

Or maybe when he offers to drop his address, because obviously I want to meet up and fight some balding Twiggy Azalea butthurt over a blog. I mean, I would, but….I feel like you’d just scratch and pull hair the whole time, so I think I’ll pass on that one – I’ve been in a girl fight once, in the 10th grade, and it’s not an experience I’m eager to revisit. Sorry.

Or perhaps it’s the promise of something BIG dropping, REALLY SOON. He just can’t tell you, because it’s privileged information, but really exciting, you guys. I wonder if it’s another shitty karaoke-app song dropping on Smule!

Is it just me, or was the sexual tension palatable there? I think someone wants a little dark meat in the chicken salad, after he finishes man-strating all over Twitter, that is.

Nah, I’d have to say my favorite part of the whole video response was the way this novelty singing Skelator bobblehead kept insisting he is a “man”, a real man, a bigger man, a manly man. On the same Twitter account that obsessively tweets out to the younger brother of washed up 90s Boy band idol Nick Carter and B-list celebrity, Aaron Carter.

Yeah, you’re a big man, already. Mad respect, dawg!

And then, at the end, it takes him a full 60 seconds of looking at the camera like it’s the goddamn human genome before he’s able to turn it off.

Easy there, buddy, it’s Twitter – not an Ayn Rand novel. You’re gonna make it.

Pure. Gold.  I never explicitly said these two were on drugs, just so we’re clear. But I don’t think drugs would do much intellectual damage here.

Seeing as these two seem strangely insistent they are good friends with Aaron Carter, I’m surprised he didn’t leap right up and offer to pay for an attorney for the big deformation lawsuit? Maybe he’s busy right now?

I’m sure he’ll get back to them soon enough, and that will be the end of Turtleboy once and for all. It’s been real, fam!

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