Taunton Queefbag Fails To Break Out Of Friend-Zone By Facing Off With Brett and Desk Girl In An Attempt To Get His Potential Bae’s Blog Yanked

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.


One Taunton Trap Queen’s knight and shining crack foil, Chris Shea, is doing his best to get his manhood christened with some sweet hoodrat poon. Seems his “best friend” Shannon was the chick who called the cops on Turtleboy for busting her window and demanded, via law enforcement, that we apologize to her for showing the world what a tub of dead brain cells she is. Well, that isn’t going to happen. The police laughed at her. We laughed at her. The Turtleriders absolutely laughed at her. Now Chris says she’s holed up in the house in disgrace and “her life is ruined.” Awe. Muffin.

Chris, who looks like every wangsta that ever smoked shwag out of a two liter on Cedar Street, did his absolute best to intimidate Brett Killoran in to killing the story “he was working on.” We are now on day four of this dumpster fire of virginity trying anything to quash the turtle. He really had no idea how much endurance Brett has for fuckery. There are like 75 screenshots in all. Killoran’s ability to combine swear words in to a power-packed paragraph is truly a gift. 

It’s basically gone on like this for days now with no signs of either party tiring.

Chris has even turned his cause in to a test to see which one of his real friends have his back. 1 Like =’s 1 Prayer

Right before we went live on Friday, Chris messaged the Turtleboy message box, and  couldn’t seem to grasp the idea that we publish about 30 blogs a week and Desk Girl needed to figure out who he was so she could try and help him. He’s not that bright. She convinced him that the only way to stop being called out was to join the session and publicly demand that it stop. You can read what happened when he showed up when we went LIVVVVE here:


He was furious when the blog hit and even more mad when we did another one soon after. The next morning he decided to lodge another “WTF” complaint and I guess Desk Girl was in the mood to play match maker. She has four kids? Why can’t these people figure out how birth control works? Is it really SO hard to wrap up your man sword with a sheath or nibble a pill once a day?  Jesus, I had no idea our intern had such a distaste for me. Maybe if she quit coddling these people I wouldn’t have to tell her she sucks all day. 

He blocked her after that. He was probably coming to terms with the passion he felt for Shannon, pitched a tent, and made tummy pancakes in her honor. Who says chivalry is dead?

The lesson here is simple. There is no way you’re going to out do Brett. It’s just impossible. This kid should just face the music that Shannon will never give him her moldy crab cookie. She would rather ride anyone but him. Instead of going nose to nose with Killoran and 45k Turtleriders he should probably just sign up for an OKRatchet, or Plenty of Trap Queens, account and move on with his life.
(Be on the look out tonight for a special announcement from Desk Girl!)

27 Comment(s)
  • Dr duhhhh
    March 15, 2017 at 7:16 am

    Her friend Samantha is a trash bag also. She has lost custody of at least 2 kids. Stop having kids that you can’t take care of. The state is sick of paying for their foster care. The kids deserve better.

  • Wabbitt
    January 23, 2017 at 11:06 pm

    I’m in a hotel room. A guy I work with is snoring like a buzzsaw in the other bed. And I’m trying really hard not to laugh out loud at “tummy pancakes.”

    • FiestyLawyerLady
      January 23, 2017 at 11:28 pm

      I wouldn’t be able to handle that shit. Hit him with a pillow!!! Tell him to sleep on his fucking stomach or something it’s late already…….

      Also, I have never heard the term tummy pancakes until now. It’s hilarious but unsettling if you visualize it.

  • Paul Larson
    January 23, 2017 at 11:10 am

    This dude be all like…

    Are we an item? Girl quit playin’
    We’re just friends, what are you sayin’
    Said there’s another, look right in my eyes
    My first love, broke my heart for the first time

    And I was like baby, baby, baby oh
    Like baby, baby, baby no
    Like baby, baby, baby oh
    I thought you’d always be mine

    Paul Larson

    • Paul Larson
      January 23, 2017 at 1:18 pm

      I didn’t write the above post. Some coward who can’t stand being held accountable by using their real name wrote it.

      Paul Larson

  • You're the Best
    January 23, 2017 at 9:45 am

    Am I the only one who see’s the irony here? All of the Turtleboy stories are about ragging on unemployed drunk drugies with bad hygiene. Yet their poster boy/hero is a trash talking internet tough guy unemployed drunk druggie named Brett with bad hygiene?

  • John Barker
    January 22, 2017 at 8:26 pm

    Stupid kids…Growing up..We had..”This is your brain..This is your brain on drugs” These (insert any TBS adjective) need their own P.S.A…. “This is the internet…It is Forever!”

    • dooshnozzle
      January 22, 2017 at 10:09 pm

      dooshnozzle. for a default always go with dooshnozzle.

  • January 22, 2017 at 5:45 pm

    I have a crush on Desk Girl… ❤️❤️Abi

  • EmbarrassedTauntonian
    January 22, 2017 at 5:40 pm

    Please continue…those of us in taunton are enjoying the hell out of this! I tell people daily how fucked up people from Taunton are….your illustrating my point perfectly.

    January 22, 2017 at 3:34 pm

    Tbs has a new schtick. The porn Facebook site 2017. Grown losers in life wreck facebook as they display the lack of any dignity.

    40 yr old losers. Jessica Collins is on their talking filthy. If you seen what she looks like you wouldn’t fuck her with Bretts dick, nasty.

    • Bertha Von Nation
      January 22, 2017 at 8:43 pm

      I’m new here. Are you the same Kevin Lynch that killed that kid with a golf club, and assaulted a cop?

      • BretKilloran
        January 23, 2017 at 11:45 am

        sexually abused his brothers kids too
        they both were rescued and moved out of state

      January 22, 2017 at 10:06 pm

      kevin, i’m told you’re lying through the gap in your teeth about your community college degree in business, is this true? i mean, anyone else would have someplace, somewhere provided a graduating year. yet on any of your numerous facebook profiles, your linkedin profile, or any interview during your failed mayoral campaigns, all you do is claim to have a business degree. never any details. and when did you find the time to get this degree? before or after you helped murder a man and serve 7-8 years in walpole for it? and what would someone with a business degree be doing living off disability from being a carpenter? are you still collecting disability? the other day your claimed to have a job in worcester? which is it? oh wait, that’s right, you’re an insane, pathological lunatic who can’t even keep track of his own lies. fuck off. just fuck off. shove your scally cap up your ass so deep even davey can’t find it. fucking loser.

    • This is you Lynchhole
      January 23, 2017 at 1:11 pm

      The officer approached Mr. Lynch as he continued to yell and flail his arms, his report says, and then Mr. Lynch “got right in my face.” Sgt. Siomos said Mr. Lynch had a deranged look on his face and threatened to kill Sgt. Siomos and his family. “I then told him to step back at which point he started to tense up and push his chest into me, so in fear for my safety I pushed (Mr. Lynch) off with a forearm strike,” according to the report.

  • Rhino
    January 22, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    Fuck Brett

    • BretKilloran
      January 23, 2017 at 11:43 am

      come try

  • Emily Lynch's innocence
    January 22, 2017 at 2:13 pm

    Why Did you take me Uncle Kevin? And so young too.. I was barely 10. Is this why you fight with everyone on the internet? Demons in your head? You told me you’d “get there before the hair” .. I didn’t know what you meant.. Why Uncle Kevvy? Why?

    • Turd Burglestein
      January 23, 2017 at 11:54 am

      So that’s why your butthole was so loose and easy to burgle. You poor thing. Did you try sprinking some alum on it? I know David does that when kevvy gets all loose and sloppy back there.

    January 22, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    Jakub just handily destroyed Brett Killoran. Brett shrunk down and squirmed like a slug back underneath the swamp rock he lives under.

    Aiden the sissy after showering off the spray from Bretts swamp moss filled tooth during the live show had to revive his hero and maker. Hence the story to build Bret back up after the beating he just took in the other thread.

    Aiden is predictable. Listen to the last live show. It is so obvious that Aiden wants to rip into Brett and Matty moe, 2 swamp creatures with extremely bad hygiene.

    Aiden the sissy is like a germaphobe and you can literally hear the mucus lifting out of Bretts lungs and spraying into the air. Aiden was moving and cringing.

    Classic turtleboy. There is sissy Aiden in his pink izod with the collar up and fluorescent yellow sneakers gleaming with crest mouth and Irish Spring soap perfume. Then in comes this thing. A cross between a swamp creature slug like thing, a sabers tooth tiger and a 15 yr old bull mastiff suffering with massive seasonal allergies.

    Honestly Aiden, would you drink out of a cup from Bretts cabinet? Did his mother make her spinach soup with house rules that you can only eat w/ a fork because brett used all the spoons for cooking his heroine?

    • BretKilloran
      January 23, 2017 at 11:41 am

      so tb gave me stories to prop me up, after some closeted gay guy “destroyed” me?
      even though the stories were BEFORE the blog you’re talking about?
      you really are a fuckin moron…
      your only success in life was gangjumping and killing an innocent man, and scarring your brothers children with sexual abuse…
      dave even dumped you….
      and you’re so focused on my mouth because you want me!
      spend more time worrying about what can happen to your abusive cunt mother and drunk diddler dad kevvy….
      ya never know

    January 22, 2017 at 1:39 pm

    Brett just got his head handed to him in a battle on TBS. The guy had control of Bretts feeble brain so bad It was pure entertainment.

    I could see Brett choking on the two pall malls in his mouth as he was thinking of comebacks choking.

    Listen to Facebook live and you can actually hear the mucus spraying out of his mouth. You can hear Aiden the sissy moving away as Brett sprayed.

    They say that Brett worked in Athol ma and hangs out up there. I believe it as that is the town that invented the toothbrush, invented in any other town it would have been known as a teethbrush.

    Aiden should had presented him with a health supply basket. Inside would have mouthwash,”toothbrush”,soap, robatussin DM, shaver and bleach.

  • wtatnuckgangsta
    January 22, 2017 at 1:32 pm

    These people are easy, fun targets because they can’t think long-term. If they just dealt with the fact they got a post on them and ignored it, it would go away and we’d all forget over time. Then if they don’t go all ratchet again, they don’t get another post.

    But instead, they react and feed the fire. Then they react to the reaction they get here and it keeps going. It’s simple, short-term thought, which is really how they got the shit life they live anyway.

    Ex: Me horny. Need Sex. Get ratchet sex. Instant Gratification. – Short term thought and satisfaction. Long-term result that they can’t grasp? They get a litter of little dirty children who will continue the family chain of short term thought.

  • ImNewHere
    January 22, 2017 at 1:25 pm

    Bret is my new hero. ….. firsties?

    • You're the Best
      January 23, 2017 at 9:37 am

      I’m a big fan of Summer teeth too. Summer in his mouth and summer rotted away. I guess when that’s what it takes to be a Turtleboy all star.

  • Turd Burglestein
    January 22, 2017 at 1:12 pm

    OKRatchet or Plenty of Trap Queens


    • Rilla Vanilla
      January 22, 2017 at 1:25 pm

      Jeebus, waba bunaba yeestaba beestabas.

Comment on this Post


Nostalgic Facebook Commentators Are Really Pissed Off About Snow Days For Kids
Guy Who Tried Hiding In Tree To Flee Cops on I-290 Earns Moron of the Week Award
Auburn Fan Who Refused To Bet On Florida State Loses Chance To Win Free $25,000 Is Giant Moron