Hoodrat Heroes

Taunton Ratchets Call Cops On Turtleboy Because We Won’t Take Their Pictures Down, When That Doesn’t Work They Smash Their Own Window And Say We Magically Drove Down From Worcester And Did It

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I want you to to stop what you’re doing, massage your temples, and take an Advil. The ratchet speak and quantity of hoodrats in this next one is enough to make you pop an embolism. You good, Fam? Aight, let’s go!

Maaaaaaan, one of the turtles sure kicked up some shit with a group of the lowest, most ghetto fab, Taunton Trap Queens you have EVER seen. You probably remember them from that story about the white Steve Urkel that stole two cars in one week. They were the only ones defending this limp-dicked dweeb and so they got featured for being morons.

Brilliant Thinkers Defend Taunton “Acne Faced Killer” Who Stole Two Trucks In 4 Days And Crashed Into Tons Of Shit On High Speed Police Chases

Well, the Lopes clan of Taunton launched an all out war on Turtleriders, Brett Killoran, anyone who was rumored to be Turtlegirl, and the blog itself. I didn’t even write that one and I, SSTG, got dragged in! This has been going on for like three days now because none of them actually works or goes to school.

There are so many of them I’m not even sure which ratchet made which offspring. They all probs got different dads though. I’m 95% sure one of the fathers is Rizzo from the Muppets. 
We’ve got Angel Marie, who says she’s 26, acts 26, takes pictures in bed with boys, but needs defending because she’s apparently 13 and “SHEMAHCHILD.”

Princess Natalie Dutra who you may notice from making an appearance at Turtleboy Live last night and gave us the finger. I actually made the mistake thinking she was that heroin-dealing stripper from last week. Something tells me I’m not that far off. 

Chrystal Lopes, because nothing says “conceived behind a Bradlees” like your moms spelling your name wrong and a neck tat.

We got big momma Maria Lopes who, if she flipped her Fupa over her shoulder, she could pretend it was a cape, and double as Darkwing Duckface. 

We got Bonnie Gray. Maria’s sister. Bonnie gives us an idea of what would have happened to our life if we didn’t listen to the anti-drug commercials in the 80’s. That bedroom kiss face made my hymen grow back like a fear shield. Just sayin’.

They started bombing our Facebook page with, what seems like, one collective sentence for the twelve of them. Some of these commenters are minors. One of whom was the nine year-old sister of the kid who originally crashed the cars. We left her out but the rest of them are stars! We don’t usually feature baby hoodrats, or “Hoodsies”as I like to call them, but if you can call people “fukin cuntz,” I’m just going to go ahead and treat you like a grown ass person and not someone who treats Snapchat like a middle school elective instead of actually going to class. The random “Leroy” tag made me LOL. 
When they weren’t getting the blog taken down with their ghetto mating calls on the Facebook page (see above) they moved on to Brett, who as far as I can see, was his usual sweetheart self. 

 This Shannon chick, who changed her name to Elizabeth Tinkshae, played a bit part in the original blog but she really becomes the star of the show. 

Brett, who was probably on his 15th beer trying to losen up for the Turtleboy Live show, ignored them until….

The fatty sent him a picture of her schmenzer! She looks like she’s used to them:
But can we just analyze this Willy for two seconds? That’s not some porn pecker. This chick just sent a trap queen valentine, meant for her, to some dude she was quarreling on the Internet with. You can’t make this shit up!

Anyways, Rod Stewart aside, when that didn’t work they went after the chick that runs the Scan Taunton webpage: 

WHEN THAT DIDN’T WORK, one of these snatch traps decided they were going to break their own window, call the police, and tell them that Turtleboy refused to take her pictures down, then drove alllllll the way from Worcester, and destroyed their shit. 

I kid you not. We’ve been accused of a lot of things in the past. Vandalism isn’t one of them.

I’ve got to give them some credit for originality and because I’ve never seen a ghetto family operate with such a collective mind. They all queens tho….

This still going as of noon today…. but I couldn’t wait to hand this over to the masses of Turtleriders. Aren’t you glad I told you to take that aleve?

23 Comment(s)
  • Dave P
    January 22, 2017 at 12:02 am

    Someone call Bret “the Hitman” Hart and tell him we found out who stole his pants.

  • EmbarrassedTauntonian
    January 21, 2017 at 9:44 pm

    Ahahahahaha I live in taunton and I’m now embarrassed to admit that. That will be the last time I do so! I guarendamntee you each one of those nasty,gap toothed cum dumpsters,has the harriest ass cracks you have ever seen. You know they ate telling their land lord you broke the window…because they are def not home owners…that’s the type of respect for people they have. I’ve personally told 25 ppl and counting to read this shit!

  • triggerwarning
    January 21, 2017 at 9:24 pm

    Quote of the week, “…I do actually know my kids fathers.”

  • Leah
    January 21, 2017 at 8:01 pm

    I am so ashamed to live in the same city as these trash bags. Just so you know: I know both my parents, have two jobs, an education, and can properly form and spell a sentence!!!!! They don’t represent all of us, thank God!

  • The Poop Hole Loop Hole
    January 21, 2017 at 6:58 pm

    Listen kids, so you don’t reproduce like these gravy dumpster its called the ‘poop hole loop hole’.

  • ray
    January 21, 2017 at 5:34 pm

    If turtleboy is posting things about minors with their pictures,reguardless of what they did. I would turtleboy has the same ammount of class as the “Ratchets”….

  • WHAT?
    January 21, 2017 at 5:26 pm

    Honest to God, have there always been people like this in America? Or were they bred to become Maura Healey voters?

  • WHAT?
    January 21, 2017 at 5:16 pm

    You VILL take my stuff down, or ve vill invade Worcester. You vill be shot, do you here me, SHOT!

    Adolph Hitler

    • WHAT?
      January 21, 2017 at 5:18 pm

      I good guy. You take my stuff down.

      Pol Pot

  • Katnis
    January 21, 2017 at 5:05 pm

    If this doesn’t get you a blurb in Bar Stool Sports, nothing will. #barstoolsports

    • J-Sully
      January 22, 2017 at 8:41 am

      fuck barstool

  • Paul Larson
    January 21, 2017 at 5:01 pm

    I would, all of them. Daddy likes.
    Paul Larson

    • Paul Larson
      January 22, 2017 at 12:13 pm

      I didn’t write the above post.

      Paul Larson

  • ZephyrCat
    January 21, 2017 at 4:28 pm

    Actually, 1 more thing. Can someone explain to me how these hogs can afford to scarf enough food to get that portly? No job, government assistance. And she has other little hogs to feed too! I mean, how do they do it? Is is just as simple as a high fat/ no movement lifestyle? Haha! Lifestyle! Made myself laugh.

    • EmbarrassedTauntonian
      January 21, 2017 at 9:47 pm

      Welfare buys a lot of Twinkies.

  • ZephyrCat
    January 21, 2017 at 3:57 pm

    Maria Lopes, hope you read the comments too. Cuz nothing makes me hotter than rolls of cheezy fat and red greazy hair. You’re a goddess! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • 1776
    January 21, 2017 at 3:47 pm

    Too much ghetto speak with acronyms.

  • Maggie the Cat
    January 21, 2017 at 3:19 pm

    Can we start a Go Fund Me page to buy burkas (those head to to things that Islamic women are forced to wear) for all these “females”? Those are some of the ugliest faces I’ve ever seen on a human being.

  • J-Sully
    January 21, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    now are these cheese hogs? or gravy dumpsters? ratchet classification is difficult…

  • BobnMic's Tiny Penis
    January 21, 2017 at 2:55 pm

    Those girls are so hot. I’m pitching a tent in my pants right now. Do you think I have a chance with them?

  • True Reality Speaks
    Mirror Mirror
    January 21, 2017 at 2:52 pm


  • Dregs of Society
    January 21, 2017 at 2:14 pm

    Wonder how much the whole cast is getting from government assistance a month ?

    • EmbarrassedTauntonian
      January 21, 2017 at 9:45 pm

      Every cent they have.

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