Hoodrat Heroes

The Ballad Of Bilbo Ballbags And His Fupasloth Wife: A Whimsical Vagabond Journey That Somehow Lands Them In Springfield, MA

I’ve been sifting through this mess intermittently all day, and I’m still not sure if I have it figured out. All I know is that this is either some sort of elaborate living performance art or the most magically glorious dumpsterfire-on-wheels I have ever laid eyes on. All I know is, if this is method acting, these two are more committed to the craft than Heath Ledger. And I love these two so very, very much.

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Let me introduce you to Patrick and Aniko Lally, who are hands down the champions of all homeless fupasloths – fight me about it.

I win. No argument is valid. Look at these specimens. Just. Look.

The guys from The Blues Traveler really let themselves go, and somehow got into softcore hobo porn.

 

So moist.

not heating up cellular devices everywhere with smouldering come-hither stares from sexy Ben Franklin and his mullet-sheared temptress bride, Pat and Aniko are keeping busy living out of their garbage-piled late model Hyundai with two live dogs, which have apparently been doing since June 2017. But don’t get it twisted – they may be living in a garbage can on wheels with not even a dollar to their names, but they do have Fiddy Cent –

But this story isn’t about toothless John Goodman and his ill-nasty playlist,

although homeboy really does know how to get down like vagrant James Brown. Our story begins in June of 2017, when hobo Ron Jeremy and his gender ambiguous Yoko Ono get thrown after years of squatting on his parents’ beach house on the sundrenched paradise that is Rockaway Beach, NYC. Thus forcing them to relocate to hotel Hyundai, and for some reason unknown to everyone except them, their respective psychiatrists and possibly the dude that sells them LCD…Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

And that, my friends, is where the journey begins.

Perhaps it was the sweet, whispering song of New England’s least friendly coastline calling to them through the salty air. Perhaps it was a touch of nostalgia for days long since past, or perhaps it was the sore lacking of Trader Joe’s and Whole Food’s Markets in Myrtle Beach.

But one fateful day, our brave heroes were moved to start the first of many attempts to beg for cash to fund their epic quest back home, to Rockaway Beach, NYC with their two faithful companions, Donald and Melania Trump, aka, the poor creatures forced to sleep on piles of trash with them in a mid-sized sedan.

 

Although they really would have preferred an RV, guys.

Chapter 1: The Quest For Cash Money

It’s a rough start for our brave heroes as they attempt to make the pilgrimage from South Carolina to the sunny shores of New York City. They manage to make it to Raleigh, North Carolina, before peril strikes – they have no cash money. With little choice before them, they valiantly do the only thing they can – beg for it over social media.

 

They are soon blessed with the generous bounty of some dude named Rob,

 

Before, tragically and unexpectedly hitting another snag.

 

Which, shockingly, does not resolve itself in the two hours between status updates.

 

Oh, the humanity! Will these plucky travelers ever make it out of Raleigh alive? For the love of all things holy and good, paypal them some goddamn cash money!

 

Chapter 2: The Road Warrior

The Gods must have been smiling upon the beautiful faces of our fearless pilgrims, for they did indeed secure the funds necessary to begin to make it out of Raleigh alive. Or, maybe it was the social security check they posted about getting,

thus funding their adventures…..and also proving that they are in fact two real, live people. This is not a joke, I guess. Holy shit.

Either way, the road rose to meet them, and they were free to charge headfirst towards their destiny, located in the tranquil seaside destination that is Rockaway Beach, New York.

 

But….what’s this now? Trouble afoot?

The dashing young protagonist to this epic tail is suddenly assailed by a faceless road warrior, and narrowly escaped with his life!

A road warrior who just happened to be drunk….and black, but not in a racist way. Fortunately, the noble adventurers made it to the hospital a whole 3 days later, averting the crisis and keeping the journey alive.

Somebody send them some cash money, for fuck’s sake. It’s a war zone out there. And….maybe pray for Donald and Melania. This adventure seems to suck pretty hard for them. They can’t even get a motel room, not even with the promise of some really awesome videos of the hotel room.

 

Jesus, those poor animals.

Well, onward and upwards, you ragtag band of heroes – Rockaway Beach awaits!

Chapter 3: The Evil Sheriff Of…Hadley?

 

Somehow this misfit team of travelers managed to make it out of the Carolinas, and all the way to….Western Massachusetts?

 

And that’s where shit really hit the fan. Turns out they had $800 in unpaid parking tickets, which caused their registration to get revoked. In Massachusetts.

 

This isn’t going to end well. You’re in Massachusetts now, and they demand all your cash monies.

 

And so now, their trip to the slice-of-heaven on Earth that is Rockaway Beach, NY, has been stalled – in Springfield of all places.

  

 

But wait….there’s also a mummified dog corpse in the trunk of their late model Hyundai – and the corrupt police have kidnapped him!

 

Oh my God, now I am really worried about Donald and Melania. Someone save them. Seriously.

This saga has me on the edge of my seat. Will our Hero Bilbo Ballbags and his Fupamuppet bride raise the $2,000 they need to complete their long and perilous journey? Will Uber or Lyft give them a free ride? Will they be able to pay the crazy steep and growing storage fees?

 

Will they ever get to Rockaway Beach, New York? Or will they continue to blend in seamlessly in Springfield, until they reign supreme over all other homeless sludgepumps?

 

And, Jesus Christ and all things holy, will someone please do something about the dead dog in the trunk? And maybe send them some fucking CASH MONEY already?

 

All these questions will hopefully be answered, on the next episode of “As the Dumpsterfire Burns”!

 

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38 Comment(s)
  • Katie
    September 13, 2019 at 3:59 pm

    As an update, they did indeed make it to Rockaway Beach and now they’re camped out in front of our neighborhood post office.

  • I freaking hate you, unc.
    August 17, 2019 at 6:34 pm

    I came here to say that I noticed, “this guy never post about looking for a job.” That being said, I see the articles with five more gutter Muppets that I have to catch up on. Yardwork be damned! I’m heading down the turtle.

  • The angry taint
    August 15, 2019 at 3:58 pm

    christ! do they comb their hair with butter?

  • Fuck you
    August 14, 2019 at 9:38 pm

    I hate Facebook and I made a fake one just to look at these guttercunts you write about. I’m looking at these people!

    Bravo on the great story! I’m hoping to go to the page and find some amazing stuff!

  • Brian E. Guilfoyle
    August 14, 2019 at 7:57 pm

    I figurerd out the tale…their brakes failed and they were unable to stop. By the time Aniko held one of the dogs out the passenger side window to get it running at a speed where she could pull on the leash to stop, they had slid on by ole wonderful Rockaway right into Springfield!

  • S
    August 14, 2019 at 7:28 pm

    Would missure like another bucket?

  • lost
    August 14, 2019 at 2:50 pm

    I absolutely lost it when i read about the dead dog in the trunk. I feel bad for the animal but I can’t help but laugh at this. Was the dog dead before or after they towed the car? lol

    • Pat
      October 6, 2019 at 10:02 am

      YAll,are all,assholes,

  • Donovan McNip
    August 14, 2019 at 12:19 pm

    That scrub looks like Carl from Aqua Teen when he had long hair.

    • Dr Brule
      August 14, 2019 at 4:03 pm

      This.

  • Osiris
    August 14, 2019 at 12:15 pm

    They are probably just like 90% of the “needy” out there today….they only want “selective assistance”.
    Call them with a shelter with beds available….”No, it’s too dangerous”.
    Call them with work opportunity….”Sorry, we’re disabled and cannot work”.
    Call them with ANY OTHER VEHICLE OF assistance other than fucking cash and they don’t want it.
    This fact, along with the always paid for smartphone (obviously more important than food, shelter and proper care for your animals), leads me to believe they are full of shit and enjoy being a pair of grubby, whiny uber-victims.
    I suggest you both camp tonight on the railroad tracks. Be sure to put in your earplugs.

  • Two adults
    August 14, 2019 at 11:58 am

    Let someone take care of those animals. Give them to someone who can provide for them. They don’t have to be part of your sick adventure

  • ncfoothillbilly
    August 14, 2019 at 11:20 am

    Veterans? Veterans of the Salvation Army?
    Ill show ya’ my DD214 if you show me yours.
    Lets see that VA ID, too. Scammers

  • Semper Fi!!
    August 14, 2019 at 10:30 am

    After all they’ve done for our country and they get treated like this?

    Shameful!!

    • Maybe/maybe not
      August 14, 2019 at 12:00 pm

      Anyone can say they are a vet. Proving it to be true is another thing.

  • WTF
    August 14, 2019 at 10:26 am

    A job might be a solution ?

  • Kotoko
    August 14, 2019 at 9:46 am

    I’m looking for a new boyfriend….. Think this feckin’ eejit is ready to dump his wifey and take me on????? 🙂

  • Turdchomper
    August 14, 2019 at 9:39 am

    They can afford the same hairstylist

  • Herr Doktor
    August 14, 2019 at 9:27 am

    Claiming to be a homeless vet is a classic scam, like the panhandler in Worcester who claimed to be a homeless disabled Vietnam veteran. My partner and I used to watch him push his wheelchair to his begging corner in the early morning before rush hour when we caught an early shift. Douchebag never served and commuted in from Westboro. These turds came here because of the all the freebies, watch and see.

  • I see Dumb people
    August 14, 2019 at 9:05 am

    Hmmm maybe they can go to Milford and stay at that womans shelter they seem to be just what that whacko lady is looking for homeless with pets and a disability check cha ching!!!! Also anyone else see they have money enough for fast food and tents and CORE waters.. I work Polk and still can only afford tap water. .. Welcome to Massachusetts the home of the homeless

    • I freaking hate you, unc.
      August 17, 2019 at 6:29 pm

      Here we go again.. I came here to say that I notice this guy never posts that he’s looking for work. That being said, I see five gutter muppets that I need to catch up on.yard work be damned, I’m heading down the turtle hole.

  • A
    August 14, 2019 at 9:05 am

    I’m going to get a lot of backlash for this comment, but they’re homeless veterans so it’s worth saying. Unfortunately veterans tend to have a higher rate of mental illness (I should know, I’m one of them). These people could probably use some help, but not in the way they’re asking. I would encourage them to head to the local VA for resources.

    • Dick Scratcher
      August 14, 2019 at 9:07 am

      I see no evidence that they are veterans.

      Homeless bullshitters, more like.

      • A
        August 14, 2019 at 10:40 am

        You’re right. I reached out w/ several helpful phone numbers, and he said he didn’t qualify because he wasn’t in the service for 180 days. I’m pretty sure there are still some things the va could have helped out with despite this, but they wont call.

        Side note: He claims to have worked at ground zero. Lol. What a hero.

        • Dick Scratcher
          August 15, 2019 at 4:13 am

          He’s a lying, shiftless, lazy, work-shy, scrounging cunt.

          DS

    • Julie the Jarhead
      August 14, 2019 at 9:27 am

      If they’re veterans, let’s see their DD214s.

      (That’s rhetorical. If they’re veterans, I’ll give up chocolate for life.)

      • Dick Scratcher
        August 14, 2019 at 9:59 am

        Finally…..a limerick for Julie.

        With spurious “vets” claims like these
        JTJ will be tricky to please
        It will cause massive strife
        To quit chocolate for life
        And I just want to see her DD’s

        DS 🙂

        • Julie the Jarhead
          August 14, 2019 at 11:52 am

          How lovely! Thank you!

  • Dick Trickle
    August 14, 2019 at 8:57 am

    I wonder if they are interested in babysitting my asshole children. I pay cash and have a dog friendly home.

  • Dick Scratcher
    August 14, 2019 at 8:27 am

    Is it just me or has Oliver Hardy come back as a zombie and then really let himself go?

  • ITCHY BALLS
    August 14, 2019 at 8:25 am

    haha,Great story. make sure you do a follow up so we know where they end up…..

  • Julie the Jarhead
    August 14, 2019 at 6:44 am

    Which is Patrick and which is Aniko?

  • Silencio Dogood
    August 14, 2019 at 5:21 am

    supoib article about this feckin’ Lazy-Boy recliner and his online begging, with not so much as a peep out of his insignificant other, or the dogs. the journey home, to visit the mother who threw his sorry ass out, is fraught with the endless predicaments forced upon this ilk.

  • Dick Scratcher
    August 14, 2019 at 3:25 am

    And yet always have credit on their iPhone machines.

    Leeching cunts.

  • stiff pete
    August 14, 2019 at 1:55 am

    that poor dog must be on a hunger strike. using 2 slices of bread for a pillow.

  • Fred Knessl
    August 13, 2019 at 11:56 pm

    Oh Fuck, it’s Creosote!!!

    • Dick Scratcher
      August 14, 2019 at 8:28 am

      And don’t skimp on the pâté!

    • ncfoothillbilly
      August 14, 2019 at 11:24 am

      Ill gladly donate a wafer thin mint…

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