This Day In Turtleboy

The Big E: Diseased Cesspool Of Infomercials, Manure Fumes, Fried Dough, Gluttony, And Freak Shows  Wearing Spectacular Outfits

 

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A few years back Mrs. Turtleboy dragged me to the worst place in America – the Big E. I said I’d only go if I could blog about how terrible it is. She agreed. And it was the dumpster fire I knew it would be.

But just like any ratchet we blog about, the Big E deserves redemption. So we elected to give it another shot to see if it was really that Godless. Turns out we were right the first time. Join us on our journey to West Springfield……

So believe it or not there are actually hundreds of thousands of people who don’t just like the Big E, they LIVE for the Big E. They circle it on their calendars and count down the days. And this is what happens when you get off the highway and enter West Springfield as a result:

So being wicked smart we rerouted and tried to sneak in from the backway. Apparently we were not the only morons who thought of this:

After sitting on your ass listening to crying kids in the backseat for 20 minutes you slowly see signs of the Big E. And by that I mean people turning their businesses into for profit parking lots:

Luckily the boobs that flood this place follow directions and cooperate with the police officers who got stuck on traffic duty.

LOL. Just kidding. No one listens to anything and the poor cop trying to tell these idiots where to go is forced to throw her hands up in the air in frustration:

As in, “I give up.”

Only a rookie would pay $20 to park that far away too. You gotta go to the side streets closer to the entrance. And when you do you see this:

Yup, gonna be one of those days. That guy right there LIVES for the Big E.

Of course everyone who bought a house in northern Agawam or southern West Springfield did so specifically for this reason. So they could turn their lawns into parking lots and fleece morons like Turtleboy into forking over their money.

But they only charge $10, so you gotta go with them. Who do you pick? Whoever has the biggest flag. And this lady was today’s winner:

She was very nice and I hope she has a great day. But I guarantee when these people buy their homes the fact that three weeks every year their neighborhood turns into a money pit is something any good realtor would use as a reason to jack up the price of the home.

At this point I was ready to blow my brains out because Turtleboy Jr. wouldn’t shut up about his iPad needing to be charged. How people raised children before you could plop them down in front of a machine is beyond me.

But finally it was time to experience the cesspool that is the Big E. Now, it costs $15 to get in. And for that you get…….nothing. Literally nothing. Except for the ability to spend more money on shit you don’t want. The first thing you see when you walk in of course is fried dough:

If fried dough is a regular Tuesday night meal in your house, as it is for at least 50% of the people who enjoy going to the Big E, then you’ll be right at home there. Because fried dough is literally everywhere you look.

Not just fried dough either. Generally anything that you want to stuff your gullet with if you don’t intend to live past the age of 55 is readily available.  Like funnel cakes

Fried oreos

Fried snickers, and other things that already taste delicious and don’t need to be deep fried:

Fuck it. Deep fry it anyway just because.

You can also get Idaho Nachos:

Because when I think of Idaho, the first thing that comes to mind is “nachos.”

Oh, and the Big E is way more fun when it’s a million degrees out like it was yesterday. Because there’s nothing you wanna do more with your Saturday then aimlessly walk around in a sweaty mess of humanity that’s having the time of their life eating funnel cakes.

And if you think there’s a lot of able-bodied people who despise exercise and ride around in those Walmartmobiles at Disney, wait till you see the Big E. These people are EVERYWHERE!!

And they always expect you to get out of their way in order to accommodate their laziness.

Some of these models of fitness have even hitched wagons to their hot rides

And the outfits are SPECTACULAR!! When heading to the Big E it’s sometimes hard to figure out what to wear. Do I go with the “Because Roadkill” shirt

The wicked pissah shirt

The barefooted hippie with cut off jorts look

Because it’s not like you could pick up any kind of diseases walking around barefoot at the Big E.

Others prefer the loafers with socks look

Combat boots

The purple gypsy pants ensemble

The “failure is always an option” shirt

Whatever this is supposed to be

The “I’m a hardo and I’ll totally kick your ass if you exercise your First Amendment rights” shirt

What?

The grundle grabbing green monster outfit

The “I’m white, but I’m one of the good ones” shirt

The pizza dress moomoo with matching Jordan’s

The megjorts

The titties and beer shirt

The “I’m hungry and the only thing that will fix it is more fried dough” shirt

And many more….

There’s a lot of shit for sale at the Big E that you could really use too. I’m talking the essentials. Like stickers and signs

Cell phone accessories you don’t need

“Designer” sunglasses for $10 that some guy bought at Walmart and put an Oakley’s sticker on

Dog food

Honey bee miracle cream

Gigantic hot tub tents

Beds

Recliners

Glue

I mean, who wouldn’t wanna spend their Saturday watching a demonstration about glue?

Ice scrapers

Knives

And if that’s not good enough for you, adventure knives

Nail fungus eliminator

Which is more than likely a best seller, considering the high volume of people wandering around that quite likely list nail fungus as one of their biggest issues.

Aqua cannons

Mud something

Mops

Complete with demonstrations about how to use mops

Bootleg gold chains

More hot tubs

Beef jerkey

Vacuums

Bath filters

Toe rings

Skinny wallets

Big belly banks

Possibly stolen hotel sheets

Psychic palm readings

People who “make your hand”

Because that’s a thing a normal person would want in their house. A lifesize recreation of their hand.

What else do you get for your $15 entry fee? The right to pay $5 to have your picture taken in a big ass chair

The right to look at a small horse

If you’re hard of hearing then the Big E has you covered. Most of these gypsy peddlers have attached microphones to their faces and use them all the time, even if they are speaking to only 1 or 2 people who are directly in front of them.

The only thing more fun than watching infomercials on TV is watching them in person!!

After you’ve had your fill of microphoned strangers trying to sell you things you don’t need it’s time to head to the next exhibition. Along the way you will run into grizzled men who walk with lit cigarettes in their mouth without using any hands.

And the world famous Big E marching band.

Then you’ll end up at the agriculture building. Because there’s nothing more that I wanna do on a beautiful Saturday in September than inhaling cow shit fumes. Once you’re inside you can do wicked fun things, like stare at overcrowded sheep pens

And say hello to the KKK sheep

And the sad green sheep

Let me tell ya, the crowd goes WILD during the cow show in there, so get to your seat early.

If you have enough time you can wander over to the main event, where nice girls parade their sheep in circles while wearing all wool outfits they made on a 90 degree day.

While an old guy in a cowboy hat narrates about the kind of wool they’re wearing.

Don’t forget to hit up the New England state houses, so you can walk in a circle with a thousand other people and look at bunch of stuff from Vermont and Rhode Island that you have no intention of buying.

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Finally, you can head over to the coliseum and watch rich girls jump over fences with their horses while judgmental old women deduct points.

Let me tell ya, it’s a real blast. Try to tell me these guys aren’t having the time of their life.

You can’t.

So yea, if you like to pay $15 to get in, and then another $10-20 for parking, in order to navigate your way through seas of abled bodied people in motorized scooters, watch mop demonstrations, smell goat shit, and eat copious amounts of fried dough while wearing your “Because Roadkill” t-shirt, then head on down to the Big E. If not, then stay home and never, ever go this cesspool of humanity ever again.

 

 

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39 Comment(s)
  • Dumb kid
    July 11, 2020 at 6:23 am

    Ill never forget the first and last time I went to the Big E.
    Just bought a blooming onion. I’m sharing it with my friends and then…I see it.
    This woman on a scooter who had to be at least 400 pounds I shit you not.
    Shes coming through the crowd about 100 feet away, coming right toward me staring.
    She finally gets to us and shes out of breath, she takes a few seconds to catch her breath.
    Im so confused, why did this land whale single me out? How is she out of breath? It wasn’t like she had to walk, her scooter did all the moving for her.
    Finally she looks up at me, and I realize.
    She wasn’t staring at me.
    She was staring at my blooming onion.
    “Where did you get that?” she asked, still out of breath.
    “Um…its an orange stall on left going that way” I pointed out to her.
    “Thankss *haf* *haf*”
    She turns her scooter and quite literally rides off into the setting sun.
    I was a young boy of 15, but I learned something that day…some people don’t serve a purpose beyond being the eternal child, the eternal consumer.

  • Middle Age Loser
    July 10, 2020 at 1:36 pm

    Can you imagine seeing Uncle Turtle Boy stomping around the fair steaming and fuming. Can you imagine his relationship with his wife? Or his neighbors? Or Family? Him waving to the Holden PD like he is someone they like? Any of the above scenarios have an alternate reality that you have from the other party. Your blogs are funny but man are you just simply pathetic. Yay look at meeeeeeee! A middle age man playing creepy turtle songs before his basement radio show while a normal workday is spent trolling rural town’s communities Facebook pages looking for ratchets. You sure are winnn innngggggg………weeeeeeeee!

  • Whathappenedtomen
    July 9, 2020 at 9:52 pm

    He’s spot on and nailed it with this one. If you go somewhere where fried Oreos and funnel cake stands exist you should not be allowed to drive your obese lazy ass around on a obese lazy ass mobile. Obesity and laziness should never be accommodated.

  • Great chow
    July 9, 2020 at 8:58 pm

    Can you please do something like this when the flea markets open back up. Talk about entertainment.

  • July 9, 2020 at 7:49 pm

    So these people are not harming anyone . You don’t pay their bills , you dont go to their house . You have a choice . You don’t have to go . I definitely don’t look like a slob nor am I lazy but I always bring my children around all kids of different events and people . Those people are not acting out of control nor disrespectful to the community. Where are your standards. I wonder why you live in Warchester in a basement and have no friends . You may have fans but you have no friends . Karma is going to hit u in the ass unfortunately your children will be the ones to suffer . I honestly think you are the issue . If this was a bunch of people shooting up etc that different. I do feel the animals are neglected and if you want to do something positive why don’t you use this article to save those sheep ! I really think you need to re-evaluate your life . You make no money. Eventually your wife will leave your ass . You are not this golden prize ya know . I think u need to stick to stories like scammers , politics, child abusers etc!

  • whatevuh
    July 9, 2020 at 6:12 pm

    If you want to see the dregs of society, The Big E is the place to go. I went once about 30 yrs ago, couldn’t wait to get the fuck outta there. It really is a cesspool.

  • Captain Trips
    July 9, 2020 at 4:49 pm

    You gotta lighten up Unc! I go to the Big E for the laughs!

    Where else can you see human male trash and trashy slash in all of it’s shapes and guises?

    I get in free. So, the comedy is inescapable!

    Fuck the fried dough! Show me some tattooed hoes!

    Come on in and get a good laugh!

  • Lou Stule
    July 9, 2020 at 2:40 pm

    I thought the only reason anyone set foot in Springfield from the outside was to buy drugs and hookers. Now I can add trash bag mega carnival to the list.

    • Hefty
      July 9, 2020 at 3:42 pm

      Drugs, hookers, AND a carnival?

      I am moving to Springfield to embrace my inner trash bag.

      • Captain Trips
        July 9, 2020 at 4:51 pm

        Just be sure to cover it with 3 mil of solid plastic if in contact with the local ratchets!

  • Why walk when you can roll?
    July 9, 2020 at 2:02 pm

    All I know is I’m quitting my job and opening a mobility scooter store. My customers will be fat and lazy and rolling in style!

  • Shitty Dad
    July 9, 2020 at 1:17 pm

    Just step back and take a look at yourself. You must really hate yourself something fierce. Uncle Turtleboy…..wow, just wow. You have made a mockery of yourself yet think you are something big. Your mother must shudder reading your blogs and wonder where she went wrong with you. A day in the life of Turtle Boy would be an eye opener for sure. You don’t share anything about your life but the small insights we get are pretty sad. Your poor children have been dealt a shitty hand with a shitty dad.

    • get off my lawn
      July 9, 2020 at 3:49 pm

      I like almost anyone who is an 85 year old curmudgeon in the body of a 30-something. Maybe not you, but definitely Mein uncle

  • Noontime Sports #ItsAlwaysNoontime
    July 9, 2020 at 12:30 pm

    It is going to be a hot day, but the weather won’t stop our local adult and amateur baseball leagues from playing games this afternoon and evening.

    Here is today’s schedule of games – as usual, have fun, enjoy, and drink loads of water!

    Cranberry Baseball League (CBL)

    Plymouth Brewers at South Shore Diamond Dawgs, 6 p.m. (Frolio MS, Abington, Mass.)
    Rockland Cardinals at Canton Athletics, 6 p.m. (Mansfield High School, Mansfield, Mass.)
    Acushnet Aztecs at Bourne Mariners, 7 p.m. (Pope Park, Acushnet, Mass.)
    Weymouth Shamrocks at Braintree White Sox, 7:30 p.m. (Braintree High School, Braintree, Mass.)
    Futures Collegiate Baseball League (FCBL)

    North Shore Navigators at Brockton Rox, 5 p.m. (Campanelli Stadium)
    Worcester Bravehearts at Nashua Silver Knights, 6 p.m. (Holman Stadium)
    Westfield Starfires at New Britain Bees, 6:35 p.m. (New Britain)
    Intertown Twilighlight League

    Rockport Townies at Hamilton Generals, 5:45 p.m.
    Massachusetts Independent Baseball League (MIBL)

    Medfield at Weymouth, 5:15 p.m. (Junior League)
    Natick at Dedham, 5:30 p.m. (Senior League)
    Dedham at Quincy, 5:30 p.m. (Junior League)
    Canton at Medfield, 5:45 p.m. (Canton will be the home team) (Senior League)
    Kingston at Westwood, 5:45 p.m. (Senior League)
    Braintree at Milton, 5:45 p.m. (Senior League)
    Ashland at Quincy, 7 p.m. (Senior League)
    Braintree at Canton, 7:15 p.m. (Junior League)
    Men’s Night Baseball League (Woburn League)

    Black Smoke at Silver Bullets, 6:15 p.m. (Ferullo Field)
    Orange Crush at Broozers, 8:30 p.m. (Ferullo Field)
    North Shore Baseball League

    Kingston Night Owls at Rowley NorEasters, 6 p.m. (Eiras Park, Rowley, Mass.)

    • AngryWhiteDad
      July 9, 2020 at 5:21 pm

      Sorry, but no one gives a shit about this other than bored retired dude Mr. Noontime.

      Anyone that does give a fuck won’t be looking at old TB posts for schedules.

      Also, baseball is dead. Has been since they cracked down on the juicing.

      Sorry to be a dick but that’s just the truth.

  • Jane Goodall
    July 9, 2020 at 12:06 pm

    Good lord!! So many panamanian white-faced capuchins in their natural environment!!

  • AngryWhiteDad
    July 9, 2020 at 11:59 am

    Best part of the Plandemic™ is that these disgusting events that our wives and kids demand we attend will no longer be open.

  • Dad
    July 9, 2020 at 11:58 am

    Speaking of freaks in spectacular outfits how about a selfie of the pasty face old white guy in his turtle shirt and green Converse? You fit right in

  • Dick LaBone
    July 9, 2020 at 11:36 am

    What no stripper tents where you can watch a tattooed skank shove a shot glass up her pussy and pay $ 20 for it? And make a plaster Paris impression of your dick for a tabletop ornament? Where have all the good times gone…

    • Captain Trips
      July 9, 2020 at 5:09 pm

      They are there Dick. Go to the Better Living Center. Hit the men’s room. the last stall on the left. Microphone on wall. Say “Hep C, good for me!”, instructions will then be provided to the show!

      Have a nice infection!

  • Go pound sand in your ass
    July 9, 2020 at 11:26 am

    No sorry hunny I cant do something with you and the kids walking around taking pictures of random peoples choice in clothing is more important. People won’t know what to do if I dont blog about it. I’m such an important guy. Jesus no wonder why Jules still fucks around.

  • WTF
    July 9, 2020 at 11:23 am

    You forgot the butter sculpture!!!!

  • MJ
    July 9, 2020 at 11:10 am

    I’ve never heard of Big E

  • no sheep are safe
    July 9, 2020 at 11:03 am

    So Hampton Beach with livestock. Sounds like my kind of party

    • whatevuh
      July 9, 2020 at 6:07 pm

      Believe me, Hampton Beach has plenty of it’s own livestock, except they wear bathing suits

  • Total Loser
    July 9, 2020 at 10:57 am

    It’s amazing you post stuff like this. You have no situational awareness as these blogs just show us all how lame you are but in your basement and online bubble you have no reality. You come off as such a shitty dad and when I watch your basement broadcasts I think wow, this guy is so full of himself with his Woo vernacular and Nah comments. You are a total loser. Your wife is most likely longing to be free from you and have a normal life. Just wait till your kids get older, they are going to be tortured in school. Your Unc’s kid? Pow, punch to the gut. You may think you’re something, read all these comments…You’re a loser.

  • Any’E’SucksButt
    July 9, 2020 at 10:45 am

    We tried it again last year, after skipping it for 10 years. Didn’t take us long to remember why we skipped it. Nasty, dirty, expensive, gross, disgusting – for all the reasons you gave, and more. Shudder….

  • Sad.
    July 9, 2020 at 10:36 am

    You have to be one of the most miserable people on Earth.

    • BadPants
      July 9, 2020 at 10:51 am

      So….which photo are you in?

    • Julie the Jarhead
      July 9, 2020 at 10:53 am

      Let’s face it, UT hates people. And the “people” he hates most of all is … himself.

      • Piss & moan
        July 9, 2020 at 11:15 am

        And I have the feeling you and UT are cut from the same cloth.

  • Jerk
    July 9, 2020 at 10:29 am

    I love the Big E. More importantly my kids have a blast. It’s called being a Dad.

    What’s wrong with you? Just exactly what DO YOU LIKE to do with family? Anything?

  • Carnies Ride Train on Julie
    July 9, 2020 at 10:28 am

    Ah yes, yet another glimpse into the miserable life that is your family. Another great family trip and a day out of the basement! Julie had a GREAT day and this is how it went down. Having circled the calendar for this day she knew she had to plan. Trimmed her bush and inserted a butt plug the day before to get limber for what was to come. Endured your usual lame ride there with your kids and went in. Then she sprang her plan. She knows how to trigger you with a few complaints about Jorts, parking fees, and fried dough everywhere…….and you stomp off on recon mode for your lame blog….leaving yiur kids in the dust. Julie buys a hand full of tickets and puts the kids on the longest ride for 17 round trips then proceeds to walk behind the rides into carny land. Use your imagination of what transpired while you are busy walking around taking pictures of people. A GoPro video of you doing this would be hysterical with a split frame view of Julie being ravaged by Mexican carnies (Julie is Hispanic for real). Kids we are out of here! Kids cry, Julie is ready (and fulfilled), and Unc fumes the entire ride home. Fast forward 9 months and their second child is born. Julie circles the calendar for next years Big E and Unc downstairs in the basement wonders how they conceived another child. Then he remembers the Hampton Ballroom immaculate conception……

  • R Lee Ermey
    July 9, 2020 at 10:20 am

    I usually agree with you 99.9%….

    Since you aren’t a car guy, and appear to not get it, I don’t expect you to know what the “Because Roadkill” shirt is. It’s a TV show on the Motor Trend channel on TV. Fun show so no reason to make fun of that T-shirt.

    Other than that I completely agree, there is zero reason to go to that white trash thing they call the Big E.

    • Dick The Carnie
      July 9, 2020 at 6:58 pm

      You must be the guy I sold an “I Pee In Pools” t-shirt to.

  • Man of few
    July 9, 2020 at 10:19 am

    Free Muh Sheep!

  • Something's missing
    July 9, 2020 at 10:15 am

    Okay, Richard Head, you forgot the best photos. What were you and your wife wearing? Afraid to demonstrate your fashion superiority and snobbery? Maybe matching his and hers WalMart summer outfits? Let’s go, put the photos up there. Or we can go to Bristol/Kate’s site and probably find them there.

  • significance
    July 9, 2020 at 10:07 am

    what’s the E stand for…entertainment or enema?

  • Every Time
    July 9, 2020 at 9:47 am

    Wow. You must be a real blast at parties…..

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