A few years back Mrs. Turtleboy dragged me to the worst place in America – the Big E. I said I’d only go if I could blog about how terrible it is. She agreed. And it was the dumpster fire I knew it would be.
But just like any ratchet we blog about, the Big E deserves redemption. So we elected to give it another shot to see if it was really that Godless. Turns out we were right the first time. Join us on our journey to West Springfield……
So believe it or not there are actually hundreds of thousands of people who don’t just like the Big E, they LIVE for the Big E. They circle it on their calendars and count down the days. And this is what happens when you get off the highway and enter West Springfield as a result:
So being wicked smart we rerouted and tried to sneak in from the backway. Apparently we were not the only morons who thought of this:
After sitting on your ass listening to crying kids in the backseat for 20 minutes you slowly see signs of the Big E. And by that I mean people turning their businesses into for profit parking lots:
Luckily the boobs that flood this place follow directions and cooperate with the police officers who got stuck on traffic duty.
LOL. Just kidding. No one listens to anything and the poor cop trying to tell these idiots where to go is forced to throw her hands up in the air in frustration:
As in, “I give up.”
Only a rookie would pay $20 to park that far away too. You gotta go to the side streets closer to the entrance. And when you do you see this:
Yup, gonna be one of those days. That guy right there LIVES for the Big E.
Of course everyone who bought a house in northern Agawam or southern West Springfield did so specifically for this reason. So they could turn their lawns into parking lots and fleece morons like Turtleboy into forking over their money.
But they only charge $10, so you gotta go with them. Who do you pick? Whoever has the biggest flag. And this lady was today’s winner:
She was very nice and I hope she has a great day. But I guarantee when these people buy their homes the fact that three weeks every year their neighborhood turns into a money pit is something any good realtor would use as a reason to jack up the price of the home.
At this point I was ready to blow my brains out because Turtleboy Jr. wouldn’t shut up about his iPad needing to be charged. How people raised children before you could plop them down in front of a machine is beyond me.
But finally it was time to experience the cesspool that is the Big E. Now, it costs $15 to get in. And for that you get…….nothing. Literally nothing. Except for the ability to spend more money on shit you don’t want. The first thing you see when you walk in of course is fried dough:
If fried dough is a regular Tuesday night meal in your house, as it is for at least 50% of the people who enjoy going to the Big E, then you’ll be right at home there. Because fried dough is literally everywhere you look.
Not just fried dough either. Generally anything that you want to stuff your gullet with if you don’t intend to live past the age of 55 is readily available. Like funnel cakes
Fried snickers, and other things that already taste delicious and don’t need to be deep fried:
Fuck it. Deep fry it anyway just because.
You can also get Idaho Nachos:
Because when I think of Idaho, the first thing that comes to mind is “nachos.”
Oh, and the Big E is way more fun when it’s a million degrees out like it was yesterday. Because there’s nothing you wanna do more with your Saturday then aimlessly walk around in a sweaty mess of humanity that’s having the time of their life eating funnel cakes.
And if you think there’s a lot of able-bodied people who despise exercise and ride around in those Walmartmobiles at Disney, wait till you see the Big E. These people are EVERYWHERE!!
And they always expect you to get out of their way in order to accommodate their laziness.
Some of these models of fitness have even hitched wagons to their hot rides
And the outfits are SPECTACULAR!! When heading to the Big E it’s sometimes hard to figure out what to wear. Do I go with the “Because Roadkill” shirt
The wicked pissah shirt
The barefooted hippie with cut off jorts look
Because it’s not like you could pick up any kind of diseases walking around barefoot at the Big E.
Others prefer the loafers with socks look
The purple gypsy pants ensemble
The “failure is always an option” shirt
Whatever this is supposed to be
The “I’m a hardo and I’ll totally kick your ass if you exercise your First Amendment rights” shirt
The grundle grabbing green monster outfit
The “I’m white, but I’m one of the good ones” shirt
The pizza dress moomoo with matching Jordan’s
The titties and beer shirt
The “I’m hungry and the only thing that will fix it is more fried dough” shirt
And many more….
There’s a lot of shit for sale at the Big E that you could really use too. I’m talking the essentials. Like stickers and signs
Cell phone accessories you don’t need
“Designer” sunglasses for $10 that some guy bought at Walmart and put an Oakley’s sticker on
Honey bee miracle cream
Gigantic hot tub tents
I mean, who wouldn’t wanna spend their Saturday watching a demonstration about glue?
And if that’s not good enough for you, adventure knives
Nail fungus eliminator
Which is more than likely a best seller, considering the high volume of people wandering around that quite likely list nail fungus as one of their biggest issues.
Complete with demonstrations about how to use mops
Bootleg gold chains
More hot tubs
Big belly banks
Possibly stolen hotel sheets
Psychic palm readings
People who “make your hand”
Because that’s a thing a normal person would want in their house. A lifesize recreation of their hand.
What else do you get for your $15 entry fee? The right to pay $5 to have your picture taken in a big ass chair
The right to look at a small horse
If you’re hard of hearing then the Big E has you covered. Most of these gypsy peddlers have attached microphones to their faces and use them all the time, even if they are speaking to only 1 or 2 people who are directly in front of them.
The only thing more fun than watching infomercials on TV is watching them in person!!
After you’ve had your fill of microphoned strangers trying to sell you things you don’t need it’s time to head to the next exhibition. Along the way you will run into grizzled men who walk with lit cigarettes in their mouth without using any hands.
And the world famous Big E marching band.
Then you’ll end up at the agriculture building. Because there’s nothing more that I wanna do on a beautiful Saturday in September than inhaling cow shit fumes. Once you’re inside you can do wicked fun things, like stare at overcrowded sheep pens
And say hello to the KKK sheep
And the sad green sheep
Let me tell ya, the crowd goes WILD during the cow show in there, so get to your seat early.
If you have enough time you can wander over to the main event, where nice girls parade their sheep in circles while wearing all wool outfits they made on a 90 degree day.
While an old guy in a cowboy hat narrates about the kind of wool they’re wearing.
Don’t forget to hit up the New England state houses, so you can walk in a circle with a thousand other people and look at bunch of stuff from Vermont and Rhode Island that you have no intention of buying.
Finally, you can head over to the coliseum and watch rich girls jump over fences with their horses while judgmental old women deduct points.
Let me tell ya, it’s a real blast. Try to tell me these guys aren’t having the time of their life.
So yea, if you like to pay $15 to get in, and then another $10-20 for parking, in order to navigate your way through seas of abled bodied people in motorized scooters, watch mop demonstrations, smell goat shit, and eat copious amounts of fried dough while wearing your “Because Roadkill” t-shirt, then head on down to the Big E. If not, then stay home and never, ever go this cesspool of humanity ever again.
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