Hoodrat Heroes

The Puerto Rican Cindy Brady And Two Other Winners Were Arrested In Southbridge For Drug Dealing In An Apartment Filled With Children

The Turtleboy family was about to move to Southbridge, but then we saw these winners and now we’re having second thoughts.

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Mrs. Turtleboy, Turtleboy Jr., and I were about to pack our bags and move to Southbridge. But it was a no-go after we saw this story on the Facebook machine:

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Well, they seem…….nice. I mean who wouldn’t want the Puerto Rican Cindy Brady as their next door neighbor?

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Those bangs DEFINITELY help property value. Definitely. They blend so well with the pigtails, half assed attempt at a goatee, disfigured eyebrows, and stylish star tear tattoos. Because sometimes you just have to cry some stars.

The other two seem like the kind of people who’d invite you over for a nice cup of tea when you moved into the neighborhood. Marangely Cartagena loves to get dolled and take some family photos after taking a huge smash:

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And even though she’s a mother, it doesn’t mean she dont’ stay fly!! Come on over her place and she’ll serve you a ghetto coolata:

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Henny and Red Bull. The official drink of Southbridge.

And I’d be honored to have Turtleboy Jr. go over to her crack den for a playdate. They have lots of fun toys there:

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To me the most surprising part about this is that the Latin Kings apparently give out merit badges. Can you buy those things or do you have to go through the whole initiation thing first? Asking for a friend.

And how bout that third suspect? Guess what Juan Rosario’s headware of choice is?

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Yup. He’s got a different flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat for every day of the week. Because when you’re keeping it real, you MUST have an endless supply of flat-brimmed Chicago Bulls hats.

Comment of the day comes from this guy:

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LOL. This comment perfectly encapsulates the evolution of Southbridge. Legend says that it actually used to be a nice little blue collar town. Then the welfare office opened up and it all went to hell. Funny how that works.

Now most people would watch the words they use when they described what Southbridge has become. Not Paul Dumas though. He’s 90. And when you’re a 90 year old Southbridge lifelong resident, you pretty much have a license to say whatever borderline racist shit you wanna say. So whereas Turtleboy would probably say something like, “urban poverty leads to drug dealing and criminality,” Paul Dumas comes out and says, “I don’t know why so many Latino are the ones doing all this.” Because when you’re 90 you don’t have to waste time worrying about offending people. Must feel liberating.

Dude went to Cole Trade High School.

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That sounds like one of those schools that old timers tell you about and you just nod your head because it hasn’t been a school for 50 years. Their rivals must’ve been Commerce and the Fanning Building.

Anyway, like I said, we were planning on moving to Southbridge because we heard it was so nice and nothing but good news comes out of there. Kind of having second thoughts now. Just sayin.

 

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18 Comment(s)
  • E.Warren
    December 1, 2016 at 9:50 pm

    ….you mentioned she had a kid. Yes, they all have kids, that’s how they get the free apartment. It’s called welfare and it’s the gift that just keeps giving.

    It gives us drug dealers, street gangs, anti-government activists, SSI defrauders….

    Get rid of welfare and it all goes away tomorrow.

  • Latin Queens
    December 1, 2016 at 11:04 am

    Doesn’t the ‘ Latin Kings ” emblems count for something. Maybe just drug rehab, instead of prison ?

  • KimberlyS
    KJDS
    December 1, 2016 at 10:41 am

    I think that when you’ve reached the age of 90, you can pretty much say whatever the hell you want with no regrets. Imagine how much the country, let alone the world, has changed during his lifespan?

    Thanks, Mr. Dumas!

  • cocomom
    December 1, 2016 at 9:14 am

    Nothing says I’m a welfare, SSI, let-the-taxpayers-take-care-of-me leech better than DIY neck & face tattoos..

  • Kenny Powers
    Kenny Powers
    December 1, 2016 at 9:07 am

    Hennessey & red bull…….I just threw up in my mouth. Can’t they do anything right?

  • Cam
    December 1, 2016 at 8:01 am

    PRs (most) are the bottom of the barrel. Why can’t we give Puerto Rico back to Spain and deport them? Too many anchor babies I bet. MILLIONS, if not BILLIONS because ….well, you know.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      December 1, 2016 at 1:10 pm

      Puerto Ricans are already citizens. They don’t need anchor baby’s you poonstachio.

  • Joseph Schmo
    December 1, 2016 at 7:05 am

    Those cute pigtails and bangs should be very attractive in “Da Big House”, should have no prob gettin’ a date with Big Bubba…

  • Capt. Stubing
    December 1, 2016 at 6:56 am

    Oh and I should probably throw a preemptive- “Shut the fuck up Bob, that is all.”- out there.

  • Capt. Stubing
    December 1, 2016 at 6:54 am

    Gotta love an old guy with no filter…free my boi!!!

  • NoseFace
    December 1, 2016 at 6:42 am

    If these waste products actually got significant jail time for this stuff, it might actually deter them from doing it again, but we all know that will never happen.

  • Deport Them Back To Where They Came From
    December 1, 2016 at 4:05 am

    The liberal hippies of Hampshire College should be
    forced to live next to these type of people since they
    love “diversity” so much.

    • Kit
      December 1, 2016 at 8:05 am

      PERFECT, Deport!!! I agree. But many many many are born here. They just refuse to get jobs, learn English, and practice birth control. Mo’ babies….Mo’ money!

  • Reddog
    November 30, 2016 at 11:09 pm

    Back when the Bulls were the shit,I turned into a fair weather fan. I was into Jordan,Pippin,Rodman and the rest of the lineup. I bought myself a Bulls Starter jacket and thought it was the shit. I thank God that I never got a hat after TB has shown that so many punk ass criminals wear them. I wonder what it is exactly that makes you a G by wearing those stupid hats. Can someone please explain?

    • Adam
      November 30, 2016 at 11:53 pm

      Ho grant bj Armstrong will perdue bill Cartwright luc longley john paxson Steve Kerr Oakley before he went Knicks Ron Harper Toni kucoc..90’s bulls we were fortunate to witness Jordan and that era

    • Adam
      November 30, 2016 at 11:54 pm

      Can’t explain the hats though……very weird cultural trend of sorts??

      • Shackleford
        December 1, 2016 at 12:43 am

        Adopted by: Vice Lords (Chicago), Latin Counts (Mexico, Chicago), Mickey Cobras (Chicago), Black P. Stone Nation (Chicago), The Bloods (L.A.)
        Why: The Vice Lords, Latin Counts, and Mickey Cobras share the Bulls’ colors of red and black. The P. Stones and the Bloods were a little more creative however: For the former, “Bulls” stands for “Boy U Look Like Stone” and for the Bloods, it stands for “Bloods Usually Live Life Strong/Smart.”

        • Stu Pidazzo
          December 1, 2016 at 6:29 am

          But why the flat brim?

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