The Turtlegram Is Stealing Money From Few Remaining Subscribers By Charging Them For These $5 Inserts About How To Hail A Cab And Then Not Telling Them
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The Turtlegram and Gazette is a dying newspaper that copies our stories without citing us, tries to use us for page views, fires veteran reporters when they ask for raises, and openly admits that they are the propaganda machine for the McGovern Crime Family. Who pays for a subscription to the Turtlegram anymore? Anyone? I couldn’t name a single person. I mean, to do so you’d have to get a thrill out of literally pissing money away. Ninety-five percent of their content is from the AP and easily accessible from free websites. The other five percent is local stories that we already blogged about. The only thing they’re good for is high school sports. We have destroyed their business model, and thus they’re looking for new revenue streams. Apparently this includes stealing from the few remaining customers they have left:
Yup, that’s right. They’re throwing in random $5 and $6 inserts, charging them to your credit card, and then not telling you:
It’s a very valuable insert though. It teaches you how to grab a cab, how to tip, how to look up directions, and most importantly, how to be a nice person:
Gee, I wonder why they wouldn’t just try to sell this “Life Skills” insert for $5 a piece separately? Oh, that’s right. No one would buy it. So they have to MAKE you buy it by sneaking it into the fine print that no one has time to read. They actually had to have had a meeting about this. Karen Webber and her cronies must’ve sat around a table and said, “How can we milk more money out of these idiots without them knowing?” And this insert is what they came up with. Sad.
But then again, who wouldn’t find this useful? I know that without the Turtlegram and Gazette, I’d never know how to get a taxi. Oh, that’s right, it’s 2017 and no one hails taxis anymore. Because there’s this thing called “Uber” that’s cheaper and easier. Then again, the taxi business is basically the livery equivalent of the Turtlegram – it’s a dying industry that’s been destroyed by a superior product. Turtleboy is the Uber of the media. It’s why they’re a proud advertiser on our site, just like the Turtlegram:
People generally all seem to agree that this is shit:
How’d you like to work in customer service for the Turtlegram? You have to convince these people that this is something they WANT. How do you convince anyone that this worthless pile of pooptacular, outdated life advice is worth $5? Good luck with that.
Anyway, the Turtlegram is an antiquated relic of the past that won’t exist much longer. They’ve been around for over 100 years, but yet we’ve already got 20,000 more Facebook followers than them and double their daily page views. We beat them in a landslide in WoMag’s Best Local News Outlet voting. We have their reporters BEGGING us for quotes all the time, but we keep them thirsty for more. No free quotes for easy page views. They have columnists and bloggers over there who can only stay relevant by writing about us and making up lies regarding who they think is the lone “Turtleboy.” Meanwhile we’re cranking out story after story and it’s all free. Sure, every now and then our ad network gets drunk at the wheel and everyone wins a free iPhone. But people know we’ll fix it, and they know our content is unmatched. This is why the Turtleboy Sports Revolution is murdering the Turtlegram and Gazette, and why they’ve resorted to stealing money from their subscribers.
Up next on the killing floor? Boston Globe.
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