This Day In Turtleboy

Three Of Ware’s Finest Rob West Springfield CVS Of KY Lube And Vibrators For Wild Night In The 413

Follow @TurtleboyNews on Twitter by clicking here

Follow Turtleboy on Instagram by clicking here

Follow and like the Turtleboy Sports Forever,  and Clarence Woods Emerson to keep up with the hilarious turtle rider commentary.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at for more information.

If you like free speech and want to support what we’re doing, feel free to donate to the Turtle fund:







  This one is from May 19, 2016. 


This is the most hilarious police report we’ve ever seen on Facebook, via the West Springfield Police Department Facebook page:

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.34.38 PM


Oh good, they didn’t steal any condoms. Shocking.

Seriously though, that’s pretty hot. They sell this stuff at CVS?? Kinky. Someone’s going to the bone zone tonight!! Safe to say the Agawam Motor Lodge is gonna have some laundry to do tomorrow!!!

Here’s my question – if they have two dudes and one chick, then why do they need a vibrator? That’s emasculating man. It’s gonna be real hard to find them though. Good thing for them they don’t have any easily identifiable physical characteristics. Oh wait…..


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – anyone who doesn’t bend the brim of their hat is an asshole. The first thing I thought when I saw these pictures are, “these sexaholics are from Ware.” They might as well have it tattooed on their foreheads. I just can’t imagine them living in a place that doesn’t look like this:







Next thing you know we’re looking in the comments section and – BAM – this name comes up:

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.35.06 PM

Too easy. Cock Block INC. Such a Ware move right there. But does Kristy Beck have any tattoos that match the dildo hungry woman from the CVS video?



Oops!!! Shocking that this brilliant criminal wouldn’t cover up what has to be considered easily the most identifiable part about her – the mosaic that some crackhead from Gilbertville drew on her arm in exchange for a knobjob. And let me tell you, from the looks of some of their priceless Facebook memories it looks like they’re gonna be using all that lube tonight:



Hot. I love how she’s sucking face for this picture and the cigarette butt is still burning. She probably tastes like apple pie and broken dreams.

I’m sure they’ve been dating for a while though right?

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.46.46 PM

Anthony Caputo. Real winner. They’ve been dating all of three weeks and they’re about to get their first of many misdemeanors to come. Anthony’s gotta work on his stroke game though. I mean, he’s been dating her for three weeks and he’s already tagging up?


Come on bros. That’s a year three move right there.

Oh, and good news – Anthony Caputo just got off on his most recent court date!!

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.35.26 PM

Good thing he learned his lesson!!! She’s a lucky girl, I’ll give her that much. What woman out there right now wouldn’t wanna hitch their wagon to this winner:


Have mercy!!! You can always tell the people who only wear a shirt and tie on court days because they always forget the belt. LOL. The fact that they took these pictures to celebrate the continuance he just got in Belchertown District Court is fantastic.

Let’s check out what else we can find out about Ware’s finest:

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.36.45 PM

True that girl!!!

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.37.04 PM

Holy shit, this is what she looks like when she’s off of heroin?


Shocking that the landlord at her halfway house would find needles in her room and think that she might be using them for illicit purposes. Why would anyone ever think that?

Here’s her last boyfriend:

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.36.54 PM

He seems like a nice guy, but would he steal two boxes of KY lubricant from a CVS for her? Didn’t think so. Ride or die only with Kristy Beck.

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.36.33 PM

OK, the vibrator makes sense now.

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.36.28 PM

Yea, that seems about right.

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.35.51 PM

Can’t believe she doesn’t have this already.

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.36.02 PM

Solid attempt at the English language right there. That’s what a Ware GED in action looks like.

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.36.20 PMScreen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.36.12 PM

If you’re posting memes about how good your hoo-hoo is, it’s pretty much only a matter of time until you rob a CVS of all of its KY lube for an all night ho-down in the Agawam Motor Lodge.

Anyone, thanks to the power of the Internet the tag-team champions will be in handcuffs by tomorrow. Ironically I think it’s a safe bet to say that Kristy will enjoy that. Don’t worry though, she’ll be back on the streets by Friday, applying for jobs on Monster and looking to turn her life around. LOL. Just kidding. Same time next week.


4 Comment(s)
  • The Doctor
    August 12, 2018 at 7:43 pm

    Screw missing a belt. The spank muncher can’t tie a tie. Look where the end is

  • Rick Shaw
    Rick Shaw
    May 21, 2018 at 9:19 am

    She earned that money??? Perhaps giving 20 dollar head in the alleys of Ware or maybe she’s a CNA? More than likely, this pin cushion is probably grabbing those EBT cards and welfare checks with both hands. This bag of HEP C is one disgusting pig. I bet the Squire wouldn’t even give her an audition.

  • Stunt Penis
    May 20, 2018 at 8:43 am

    Hopefully they stole some condoms too so they won’t reproduce.

  • SMH
    May 19, 2018 at 5:29 pm

    The KY is for her to DP the guys, but then why the vibes? Oh, for her to use while watching the two guys use KY with each other. Did anyone ever find out?

Comment on this Post


Fitchburg “Weed-For-Ride-To-Prison” Chick Is Hiring Attorney Dick N. Vulva For Massive Civil Lawsuit Against Turtleboy
Rich Manchester Chick Parks Daddy’s Lexus In Handicapped Spot, Starts GoFundMe To Pay $250 Ticket, Plays Only God Can Judge Card
All-Star Mother Defends Daughter And Friend Who Jumped A Freshman On Video Outside Northbridge High School, Threatens Children On Facebook