Bone Ride

Top 10 Worcester Restaurants Where Turtleboy Would Not Fit In At

There’s a number of fancy restaurants in Worcester that Turtleboy would be completely out of place in. Here’s the Top 10. 

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In case you haven’t figured out by now, Turtleboy is a simple man. He doesn’t like to pretend that he’s fancy and he doesn’t like to pretend like he’s someone he’s not. He likes simple things. In other words, he is so Worcester it hurts. And when Mrs. Turtleboy tries to get him to go out to dinner, she always tries to “expand his horizons” by taking him to some fancy restaurant that hip people go to. But at the end of the day, TB would much rather be sitting at the bar at Herbie’s or Breen’s watching football and eating a $4 burger and fries. On that note we decided to compile a list of the Top 10 Worcester Restaurants Where Turtleboy Would Not Fit In At……

10. Ceres Bistro, Beechwood Hotel

Never been to this place because I’ve been told that it’s out of my league. That’s what happens when you jack up the prices on your menu – you weed out the Turtleboy’s of the world. This place is famous for their breakfast buffet, but I don’t even think I’d know what to do with this stuff:


Which one’s the coffee cake? I like coffee cake. I don’t trust any of that other stuff because I don’t know what’s inside of it. And quite frankly, when I’m wicked hungry I wanna eat something that I already know tastes delicious. An empty stomach is no time for experimentation.

And for dinner, what the hell am I supposed to do with this thing?


And these people are way too classy for me.



And this family looks like it has absolutely nothing in common with the Turtleboy clan.


Especially the boy. He looks way happier than Turtleboy Jr.



9. Sahara Restaurant

Reason #1 Turtleboy would not fit in here:


RBG poetry slam. Nuff said. And Turtleboy doesn’t belong in any restaurant with couches, chandeliers, comfortable chairs, and a decorative piano.


And then there’s the food.

Sahara-Combo SaharaVegetarian

So, do I dip this stuff in blue cheese? Where are the fries?



8. El Basha

El Basha is a classy joint(s), which means Turtleboy wouldn’t fair well there. Any restaurant with a fireplace is pretty much out of the question.




And when the food comes, I would be completely lost. Like, I wouldn’t even know where to begin with this plate:


So like, do I use a fork? Do I dip the brown things in the yellow stuff? I would spend the entire meal asking questions and embarrassing Mrs. Turtleboy. Better off just getting Moe’s.



7. Nu Cafe

People rave about this place, and I went there once and didn’t mind it. But I was definitely out place. I’m pretty sure I was the only person there who wasn’t on a lap top.

inside-dining-lookScreen Shot 2015-10-01 at 11.42.17 PM

Nu Cafe is famous for their smoothies.


The problem is Turtleboy is a man’s man. There might not be anything more emasculating than a man drinking a smoothie in public.

Naturally you can imagine which politicians campaign at the Nu Cafe.


My favorite ones!!


6. Armsby Abbey

This is another extremely popular place that I wouldn’t know what the hell to do at. For instance, what do I order for a drink if I’m not boozing?

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 11.47.14 PM

Ummmmm, which one of those is Sprite? Then when you look at the food menu you have to pick your favorite cheese:

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 11.47.26 PM

Just give me the one that you get from Shaws before the Super Bowl. You know, the one that comes with Ritz crackers and little pieces of ham prepackaged for the big game. That shit is good.

And quite frankly, if the waiter brought me this, I’d be stopping at Burger King on the way home:




5. The Citizen

This is a wine and cheese bar. Nothing says “Turtleboy is not welcome here” than labeling yourself as a wine and cheese bar. I guess your food gets served like this:


I thought this is what was supposed to separate us from the French. Our sandwiches come preassembled. Why am I doing all the work? And what the hell is that stuff in the middle? Another thing you’ll see at fancy restaurants is that they try to make the meals look better by taking some fancy sauce, putting it a ketchup squeeze bottle, and gently covering the outside of the meal with it so that it looks like it’s still bleeding.


Or just take a small piece of fish and throw it on top of some yellow crap to make it look fancier.





4. Baba Sushi

I’ve never liked sushi, but people rave about this place. Chicks dig sushi and Baba’s chef is often voted Worcester’s top chef. I don’t get it. It’s just raw fish right? What’s the big deal? Oh right, they put the fancy sauce in the ketchup squeeze bottle and draw lines all over the plate with it.


Now it’s fancy.


3. Bocado

Someone tried to get me to go to this place once. Then they explained how it worked and I got a popsicle headache and went to the Ground Round instead. Like, if the waiter brought me the menu and it looked like this:

Screen Shot 2015-10-02 at 12.02.18 AM

I would ask sooooo many dumb questions the waiter’s head would explode. What’s a postre? Is the stuff in italics a description of the other words? Or is that just part of a sentence? Does this come with chips and salsa? And why does my food have herpes?


And picture Turtleboy trying to order his food and figure out what the hell is in front of him while this is going on:


Oh sweet Jesus. Pray for Turtleboy.



2. Nuovo

This is one of the swankier joints in the Woo. I went in there one time and the maitre-dee had a tuxedo on and he spoke with a foreign accent. I was way, way out of my league. So I wait in line at Popeye’s for two hours instead. But yea, I should’ve realized that Turtleboy had zero business being at a place where a crooner sings ballads to from the piano.

Filming today at Nuovo the amazing Dale Lepage, Jeff Sylvia and Bobby Gadoury for This Is The Night Life show. Thank you! It was a lot of fun!

Posted by Nuovo Restaurant on Monday, August 31, 2015


You can tell TB has no business being in this place because they have MASTERED the art of spraying fancy sauce all over whatever it is you’re about to put in your mouth.



1. 111 Chophouse

So I’ve only been to this place once. I made the mistake of watching Hostel a couple days previously. So when the waiter came up dressed like this:


I almost shit my pants. Then I looked at the menu:

Screen Shot 2015-10-02 at 12.12.27 AM

Alright, I think steak is one of the most overrated foods ever. It’s up there with lobster. It’s a piece of fucking beef that they cook and it’s the price of four meals at Chili’s. I don’t get it. And when the steaks all came out for everyone else, they were all different sizes. Yet on the menu they were all generally the same price. How was that fair? Why were some of them the size of a plate and others the shape of a hernia?

Anyway, I didn’t want steak when I saw the menu, which apparently was a big no-no. So I asked if they had any sandwiches or anything like that and the doctor in the lab coat came back with the kid’s menu. So I ordered a reasonably priced rueben sandwich and it was delicious. Never heard the end of it though.

Anyway, when you head down to the Chophouse you’ll see some of Worcester’s biggest movers and shakers. Maybe there will be a Timmy Murray sighting, or the Cooze, or whoever these guys are:


Which one of you is Puff Daddy?

So yea, if you head down to these places you might like the food and have a great time, but you probably won’t be seeing TB in there. Try to have fun without me.

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Click on the image to check out the Turtleboy Store - your one stop shop for all your Turtleboy shopping needs.

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39 Comment(s)
  • Publius
    October 4, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    Pubi and Mrs Pubi can be found at Boynton. Good food good price. Too busy.

  • Drylaw
    October 3, 2015 at 9:07 pm

    El basha isn’t fancy just over priced
    Best Lebanese food is baystate bakery on water street
    Expand your palate and try the zaatar

  • Penny
    October 3, 2015 at 7:25 am

    Where is The Sole on this list?

  • Steven Stover
    October 2, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    Paul-Macs guy here. If I want fancy high class I go for lunch at Worcester Tech. Breakfast is Lou-Rocs. Pizza and Grinders I do Steves near West Boylston Worcester line……Was that that moron in a suit called Mcgovern? I see that these joints have major league asshole sissies for customers. I always wondered about him and Tim Murray and rest stops,

  • Nanny
    October 2, 2015 at 5:49 pm

    Blew it on El Basha. I can’t wait till I have their kibbie balls in my mouth again. NOMNOMNOM!

  • Q-Ball
    October 2, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    ……aaaand another beer.

  • Q-Ball
    October 2, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    Two Words: “The Boynton”. Any. Friggin. Day. Beer. Burger. ‘Nother burger. Pizza.

  • Guidance Counselor
    October 2, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    Baba and Abbey are my two favorites. They should all see this as some free advertising….and now I want to check out Citizen’s. Sounds amazing.

  • October 2, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    TB loves Remy’s restaurant if you put them next to each other boston will have a murderers row.

  • Sissy Hankshaw
    October 2, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Love you, TB, but I love a good meal more. As a fat chick who wears only jeans and t shirts I can understand feeling out of place in a certain environment but as a fat chick who cares more about her belly than anything else I’m willing to step out of my comfort zone for some awesome food. Enjoy your grilled cheese with kraft slices (nothin wrong with that on occasion, I don’t judge) and there’ll be more for me at Armsby Abbey brunch! (Best. Bloodys. Ever.)

  • Hoov
    October 2, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    The black pepper encrusted sirloin at the 111 will change your life. You’ll never look at steak the same again.

  • Hangry
    October 2, 2015 at 11:38 am

    I don’t care what you say. The pictures you’ve posted up from each restaurant makes me wanna go out and try them all out! I love Worcester!! <3

  • MS
    October 2, 2015 at 11:32 am

    I never understood the lure of the 111 Chop house. Take a good look around next time you are there. The place is filthy

  • J
    October 2, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Hahhahahahahha BaBa sushi is the best sushi joint in all of central MA and contends with Boston. You’re an idiot on this one. Go suck the sludge at McDonalds you clearly have no taste in fine foods. The chief there is world class

    • J
      October 2, 2015 at 11:03 am


    • October 3, 2015 at 9:57 pm

      !. I’m sure it is the best sushi going around. Turtleboy just doesn’t like sushi.
      2. The chef is the best around, which is probably the reason why Turtleboy mentioned that in the article.
      3. Reading is fun.

  • bigelover
    October 2, 2015 at 10:48 am

    Aren’t Sahara and El Basha the same place?

    • hola
      October 2, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      LOL they are exactly the same place!

  • Frank
    October 2, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Turtle boy you look dumb here. You slam a restaurant for hosting an event? I am sure they don’t dwell in the Worcester political beef and simply had the city offer to pay them to hold an event. What ever happened to your motto of money is money. The food there is the best Mediterranean in the city and the atmosphere is great. Xenophobic uncultured swine, you are.

    • StupidIsAsStupidDoes
      October 2, 2015 at 11:27 am

      I would argue that the best Mediterranean in the city goes to Shiraz on Park Ave. Best grape leaves, hands down!

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    Frank Lee
    October 2, 2015 at 10:01 am

    Come on TB. You ended the headline with a preposition. Geesh!

  • YourFriend
    October 2, 2015 at 10:00 am

    First off, let me just state that none of these restaurants are “fancy.” A fancy restaurant is one where you are required to wear a suit jacket to even walk foot in the dining room. Secondly, I feel sorry for the author of this write up. He obviously has lived a very sheltered life and feels the need to judge places (some that he has never even been to) by his insecurities and online menu searches. Open up your mind and experience new things. There is nothing wrong with someone wanting to treat themselves to a $40 steak. Some people enjoy trying new cuisines and just having a nice dining experience. There is much more out there in life than sitting behind a computer and criticizing people and places, just because they aren’t what you appreciate or are used to.

    • StupidIsAsStupidDoes
      October 2, 2015 at 11:26 am

      Loosen up! Geez. Can’t you see this is all just for fun?

      • YourFriend
        October 2, 2015 at 3:57 pm

        I guess I just do not find any humor in it. If I was one of these hardworking restaurant owners (the food industry is one of the toughest around), I would not appreciate some ignorant individual writing negative comments and posting photos of my hard work just to get some laughs out of people. It’s just not even remotely funny.

        • Maggie the Cat
          October 2, 2015 at 4:09 pm

          If the restaurant owners are smart they’ll start advertising their establishments as “TurtleBoy-Free Zones” to attract the status-conscious liberal big spenders. Then in a few months, perhaps TB could do a survey of the waitstaff to see if they are getting bigger tips from the people who are so free with other people’s money.

        • StupidIsAsStupidDoes
          October 2, 2015 at 7:15 pm

          It does make sense that you are so upset about this. You definitely sound like someone that would eat at a “fancy” restaurant. Nose high in the air and everything!

        • October 3, 2015 at 9:53 pm

          You sounds like fun.

    • Sam Burnside
      October 2, 2015 at 3:08 pm

      There are very few jackets required places around anywhere anymore.

      • YourFriend
        October 2, 2015 at 3:54 pm

        You are 100% incorrect. I am also willing to bet you live in or around Worcester. Worcester does not have any restaurants that should be classified as “fancy.” Look in any major city like Boston, NYC, LA, etc. There are TONS of them! Regardless, NONE of the restaurants mentioned in this post are even remotely close to being fancy. Period.

  • Adam
    October 2, 2015 at 9:12 am

    Gotta call foul on the Abbey. Mom and Pops are similar to TB’s tastes and I took Mom there for Mother’s day brunch. She loved everything about it and still raves about it to this day. Mom is 110 pounds soaking wet and still cleaned her plate at the Abbey, which is very very rare. Their beer selection is tough to beat. The staff looks kind of snooty hipster-ish, but they are all chill and actually knowledgeable about the beer and food there. Give it a try sometime. I think they have a nobody under 21 policy after a certain time though, so TB JR. might be out depending on when you go.

  • Mousy
    October 2, 2015 at 8:04 am

    Now I’m hungry.

  • GoneWest
    October 2, 2015 at 7:00 am

    I will sink my teeth into anything on here even if the words of RBG still echoes in the halls.

  • Maggie the Cat
    October 2, 2015 at 5:26 am

    Wow. Great analysis. These days, “presentation” of the food seemingly is as important or even more important than the food itself. Meaning that appearance is more important than reality….just like our entire country today. And it’s soooo important to some people to be able to say they have been to these places, mostly because they need to boost their own egos by making themselves seem “cool” They’re not cool, they just have more money than brains.

    However, I call discrimination on the cheese menu at Armsby Abbey (at last as shown here). All the cheeses seem to be made from cow’s milk. What about sheep’s milk and goat’s milk cheeses? They’re just as good. I really love cheese, but I can get a better selection at a lower price at any farmers’ market, and I can take the cheese home and eat it while watching TV in my pajamas. That’s cool.

  • nick
    October 2, 2015 at 4:58 am

    such a heathen, lol! if you think the 111 is pricey don’t even think of the capital grille in providence.

    • WackyHonky
      October 2, 2015 at 6:08 am

      or Peter Lugers for portehouse steak either.

      • Wabbitt
        October 2, 2015 at 6:07 pm

        Peter Lugers isn’t expensive, it’s bordering on offensive.

  • Wtf
    October 2, 2015 at 4:44 am

    Your a ‘mans man’ but you think steak and lobster is over rated?

    The only place I’ve been to on this list is the 111 and we love it. But it’s only on special occasions. It’s like going to the casino – expect to loose a s-load of money in a short time but it’s still fun. At least at the 111 you get something good in return.

  • Noob
    October 2, 2015 at 2:22 am

    The only way im spending over 30 for a steak if its dry aged, which no steak places around here have.

  • Wabbitt
    October 2, 2015 at 1:04 am

    I love a good steak, but for those prices I can buy it at Price Chopper, cook it myself, and feed a couple of people.

    And I can dip my steak in ketchup without some snooty fuck looking at me like I twisted the stick that’s up his ass.

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