There’s a number of fancy restaurants in Worcester that Turtleboy would be completely out of place in. Here’s the Top 10.
In case you haven’t figured out by now, Turtleboy is a simple man. He doesn’t like to pretend that he’s fancy and he doesn’t like to pretend like he’s someone he’s not. He likes simple things. In other words, he is so Worcester it hurts. And when Mrs. Turtleboy tries to get him to go out to dinner, she always tries to “expand his horizons” by taking him to some fancy restaurant that hip people go to. But at the end of the day, TB would much rather be sitting at the bar at Herbie’s or Breen’s watching football and eating a $4 burger and fries. On that note we decided to compile a list of the Top 10 Worcester Restaurants Where Turtleboy Would Not Fit In At……
10. Ceres Bistro, Beechwood Hotel
Never been to this place because I’ve been told that it’s out of my league. That’s what happens when you jack up the prices on your menu – you weed out the Turtleboy’s of the world. This place is famous for their breakfast buffet, but I don’t even think I’d know what to do with this stuff:
Which one’s the coffee cake? I like coffee cake. I don’t trust any of that other stuff because I don’t know what’s inside of it. And quite frankly, when I’m wicked hungry I wanna eat something that I already know tastes delicious. An empty stomach is no time for experimentation.
And for dinner, what the hell am I supposed to do with this thing?
And these people are way too classy for me.
And this family looks like it has absolutely nothing in common with the Turtleboy clan.
Especially the boy. He looks way happier than Turtleboy Jr.
9. Sahara Restaurant
Reason #1 Turtleboy would not fit in here:
RBG poetry slam. Nuff said. And Turtleboy doesn’t belong in any restaurant with couches, chandeliers, comfortable chairs, and a decorative piano.
And then there’s the food.
So, do I dip this stuff in blue cheese? Where are the fries?
8. El Basha
El Basha is a classy joint(s), which means Turtleboy wouldn’t fair well there. Any restaurant with a fireplace is pretty much out of the question.
And when the food comes, I would be completely lost. Like, I wouldn’t even know where to begin with this plate:
So like, do I use a fork? Do I dip the brown things in the yellow stuff? I would spend the entire meal asking questions and embarrassing Mrs. Turtleboy. Better off just getting Moe’s.
7. Nu Cafe
People rave about this place, and I went there once and didn’t mind it. But I was definitely out place. I’m pretty sure I was the only person there who wasn’t on a lap top.
Nu Cafe is famous for their smoothies.
The problem is Turtleboy is a man’s man. There might not be anything more emasculating than a man drinking a smoothie in public.
Naturally you can imagine which politicians campaign at the Nu Cafe.
My favorite ones!!
6. Armsby Abbey
This is another extremely popular place that I wouldn’t know what the hell to do at. For instance, what do I order for a drink if I’m not boozing?
Ummmmm, which one of those is Sprite? Then when you look at the food menu you have to pick your favorite cheese:
Just give me the one that you get from Shaws before the Super Bowl. You know, the one that comes with Ritz crackers and little pieces of ham prepackaged for the big game. That shit is good.
And quite frankly, if the waiter brought me this, I’d be stopping at Burger King on the way home:
5. The Citizen
This is a wine and cheese bar. Nothing says “Turtleboy is not welcome here” than labeling yourself as a wine and cheese bar. I guess your food gets served like this:
I thought this is what was supposed to separate us from the French. Our sandwiches come preassembled. Why am I doing all the work? And what the hell is that stuff in the middle? Another thing you’ll see at fancy restaurants is that they try to make the meals look better by taking some fancy sauce, putting it a ketchup squeeze bottle, and gently covering the outside of the meal with it so that it looks like it’s still bleeding.
Or just take a small piece of fish and throw it on top of some yellow crap to make it look fancier.
4. Baba Sushi
I’ve never liked sushi, but people rave about this place. Chicks dig sushi and Baba’s chef is often voted Worcester’s top chef. I don’t get it. It’s just raw fish right? What’s the big deal? Oh right, they put the fancy sauce in the ketchup squeeze bottle and draw lines all over the plate with it.
Now it’s fancy.
Someone tried to get me to go to this place once. Then they explained how it worked and I got a popsicle headache and went to the Ground Round instead. Like, if the waiter brought me the menu and it looked like this:
I would ask sooooo many dumb questions the waiter’s head would explode. What’s a postre? Is the stuff in italics a description of the other words? Or is that just part of a sentence? Does this come with chips and salsa? And why does my food have herpes?
And picture Turtleboy trying to order his food and figure out what the hell is in front of him while this is going on:
Oh sweet Jesus. Pray for Turtleboy.
This is one of the swankier joints in the Woo. I went in there one time and the maitre-dee had a tuxedo on and he spoke with a foreign accent. I was way, way out of my league. So I wait in line at Popeye’s for two hours instead. But yea, I should’ve realized that Turtleboy had zero business being at a place where a crooner sings ballads to from the piano.
Filming today at Nuovo the amazing Dale Lepage, Jeff Sylvia and Bobby Gadoury for This Is The Night Life show. Thank you! It was a lot of fun!
Posted by Nuovo Restaurant on Monday, August 31, 2015
1. 111 Chophouse
So I’ve only been to this place once. I made the mistake of watching Hostel a couple days previously. So when the waiter came up dressed like this:
I almost shit my pants. Then I looked at the menu:
Alright, I think steak is one of the most overrated foods ever. It’s up there with lobster. It’s a piece of fucking beef that they cook and it’s the price of four meals at Chili’s. I don’t get it. And when the steaks all came out for everyone else, they were all different sizes. Yet on the menu they were all generally the same price. How was that fair? Why were some of them the size of a plate and others the shape of a hernia?
Anyway, I didn’t want steak when I saw the menu, which apparently was a big no-no. So I asked if they had any sandwiches or anything like that and the doctor in the lab coat came back with the kid’s menu. So I ordered a reasonably priced rueben sandwich and it was delicious. Never heard the end of it though.
Anyway, when you head down to the Chophouse you’ll see some of Worcester’s biggest movers and shakers. Maybe there will be a Timmy Murray sighting, or the Cooze, or whoever these guys are:
Which one of you is Puff Daddy?
So yea, if you head down to these places you might like the food and have a great time, but you probably won’t be seeing TB in there. Try to have fun without me.