Top 15 Most Colrain Comments From Turtleboy’s War With Colrain

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Turtleboy has survived week one of his ongoing war with the town of Colrain. We’ve rubbed some people the wrong way with our blogs before, but never had we seen the type of blowback that we’ve seen from this Franklin County town of 1,600 people after we wrote this satirical blog about a Colrain man who got a DUI after driving from Greenfield on his hubcaps. The assaults have been ongoing, and the turtle soldiers such as Bret Killoran and Matty Mo have held down the fort on the Facebook machine. But Colrain just keeps firing. Here are the Top 15 Most Colrain Comments From Turtleboy’s War With Colrain.


15. She seems nice

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Colrain’s finest ladies and gentlemen:




14. Pickle puffer

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SJ Hutchins is from Charlemont apparently, which also made our list of the 21 biggest dumps in Massachusetts. Guaranteed this guy lives in the Route 2 trailer park. Lock it up.





13. The guy who unmasked Turtleboy

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You cracked the case!!! Turtleboy has finally been unmasked – my name is Aslan King and I am an aspiring rapper/poet!!!




12. Colrain’s not so bad

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Yea, what town doesn’t have a bunch of dilapidated, condemned, burned down buildings from the 18th century in the middle of town? Nothing dumpy about that!!!





11. Wait…..what?

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I don’t know who is running this TB Customer Service page, but I’d kiss you on the lips if you were here right now. Just proves once again that Turtleboy really is all of us.



10. Dang city slickers!!

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Yea, what better way to show the world that you’re not a trashy backwood yokel than calling people “city slicker cunts.” LOL. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the term city slicker used in a sentence when it wasn’t in a movie until now. Didn’t realize people used that term in real life.

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9. How’s the weather like in Colrain?

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Yea, you shouldn’t put “peeps biz” out there. Because Turtleboy is the only media outlet that documents the criminal comings and goings of Massachusetts’ biggest morons. It’s not like we found out about your fantastic friend from reading the Greenfield Recorder or anything like that.



8. Mother of the year

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Because if there’s one thing they don’t stand for in Colrain, it’s spelling and grammatical errors!!



7. You bet your biscuits!!!

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God bless this man.



6. Teeth are overrated anyway

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It’s OK, George Washington’s teeth weren’t anything to write home about either.


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5. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. 

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Love these comments. FYI, we don’t delete comments unless you write something racist or put something totally inappropriate that fucks up our brand. If you just talk shit about Turtleboy there’s no way we’re taking it down. It leads to way too many hilarious comments.



4. Well, that’s not very nice

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Lives in Turner Falls and is originally from Orange. That explains everything. Sure he’s an illiterate racist hillbilly, but at least he’s mastered the art of the topless bathroom selfie. This is what nudnik evolution looks like:






3. Get your facts straight!!

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Sure, Ryann with 2 n’s might be a homophobic degenerate, but don’t you dare suggest he has a sister in Vermont!! He’s a committed family man in a VERY serious relationship:



He keeps it real


He takes some mean bedroom mirror selfies


And he saved Paris


He’s earned the right to call people “faggots” using his real name on Facebook. Who would ever suggest Colrain is a dump when it produces winners like Ryann with 2 n’s?



2. Internet lawsuit guy

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Dan Herzig, come on down!! You’re the next plaintiff in Turtleboy Internet court!! Harassment lawsuit is a comin’!!! Someone call Jen Roy!!

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1. Colrain 4 Life…….Oops!!

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Kye Johnson, you sir are most definitely Colrain for life!! God bless you Colrain!! Turtleboy’s buying a summer home up there post haste!! See you in June bitches!!




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Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.29.56 AM

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Want to have your business advert seen by over 1.2 million people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.





















24 Comment(s)
  • Hggz
    August 7, 2017 at 7:03 pm

    Hahhahahahha! We learned one thing about a Colrain. Education ends at grade 6 then it’s every man for themselves! Holy fucking stupid! Hahahhahahhaha. “thah wuz da Bestest thang evir tertle boi”

  • James
    January 25, 2017 at 8:55 am

    What is up with the Dan Herzig photo? Is that big guy holding him? What is that hand gesture Dan is doing, he looks like he’s trying to cop a feel on that guy next to him.

  • Wabbitt
    January 7, 2016 at 11:07 pm

    Ryann with two Ns, with skinny jeans and his tongue pierced. He’s going to make some large Latino gentleman in the Greenfield House of Correction very happy one day.

  • CG
    January 7, 2016 at 9:06 pm

    Lmfao the First Lady Bev isn’t even from colrain, she’s from spencer! One of the smartest ladies I know!

  • Publius
    January 6, 2016 at 10:33 pm

    And Pubi and Mrs. Pubi going to Colrain this weekend, maybe throw a second home on the credit card.

  • Publius
    January 6, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    Is this Massachusetts or Deliverance?

  • January 6, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    I gotta say – I read this with the hopes that the picture of that guy flipping you off posted to the wrong page would make it.

  • BobnMic
    January 6, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    Disregard seems to be working now.

  • BobnMic
    January 6, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    FYI: Is anybody else having trouble getting on to this website? I got here on this latest article trough twitter. When I pull up the website the regular way I get articles up to Dec 23rd. A refresh does not work either.

  • Christina
    January 6, 2016 at 4:10 pm

    We should all just be thankful “turtleboy” lives far away from colrain. I certainly wouldn’t want someone like him as my neighbor!

  • TargetPractice
    January 6, 2016 at 3:16 pm

    Damn turtleboy, you really underestimated how incredibly much time these hicks have on their hands. And, only in America can a little homo with a tongue ring publicly call people faggots, God Bless this country! At least hes got that little junior smokeshow girlfriend, damn I’d tongue punch her fartbox any day of the week!

  • B.
    January 6, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    Also can I add, I was born in Greenfield and lived in Athol for 17 years before I joined the military and moved away (even at 17 I was well aware of how bad Athol was) I lived in Orange in the past 5 years and currently live in Deerfield. What I’m getting at is not only was I raised in a town that Turtleboy has made fun of, but have lived in other towns that they have made fun of as well. And you know what? I LAUGHED! I know that I don’t personally conduct myself in a degenerate manner, therefore I don’t take any offense. I’m ALMOST saddened for those who do get so upset, as it seems they can’t understand that there is an actual whole wide world beyond where they were born and raised. I can’t even imagine thinking like that, i’d bet your biscuits it’s terrifying. lol

  • B.
    January 6, 2016 at 12:52 pm

    I’ve been ‘blessed’ to meet multiple people from collaring. All of them have proven themselves as bigoted, backwards, and basically human garbage.

    • B.
      January 6, 2016 at 12:53 pm

      *Colrain* even my spell check wants to avoid the word

      • C
        January 6, 2016 at 1:37 pm

        It’s funny how shit bags that live in a city think there city is clean. I have never been in a city I thought was clean.trash,needles,condoms,all over. junkies asking for money,people raping kids. I can’t wait to move to Worcester nm fuck that I don’t wanna live around a bunch of low life rats.that feed off the government I know it’s hard to see y some 1 would like living out in the sticks when they have no car or job. hard to bum off a tree

  • January 6, 2016 at 12:18 pm

    Dammit man…I shoulda known better than to read TBS with a broken rib. Thanks for the painful laughing fit ya bastids

  • Rational person
    January 6, 2016 at 9:46 am

    Thanks for the morning chuckles! I lost it with the accidental post to the gardening club!

  • george
    January 6, 2016 at 8:56 am

    I can’t believe these people live in mass, maybe we can sell Franklin county to west virginia

  • Jafreese
    January 6, 2016 at 3:52 am

    Well that settles my decision. Definitely taking the family there for February vacation week.

  • BnanHam
    January 6, 2016 at 12:28 am

    Ryan – Put a shirt on. Now.
    Ryann – 16 and Pregnant is not having casting calls in Colrain any time soon.

    Kye – Got to give it to the guy for apologizing to the gardening group!

  • Gronkmonster
    January 5, 2016 at 11:47 pm

    People of Colrain..Please take some advice from Abraham Lincoln

    ” It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt”

    Please go pick out a few upstanding members from town (Or rent some) and have them speak for you..Try to pick a few that do not have meth mouth or look like the ZZ top brothers had a child..You guys post more material for TB to write about than the Mayor of Worcester

    On a high note if anyone is planning a remake of the Deliverance I think Colrain has a shot!!

    • Concerned Citizen
      January 6, 2016 at 9:43 am

      Actually, it was Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) who said that, but your close enough since most of these folks have no idea who either of them are.

  • colrain
    January 5, 2016 at 11:05 pm

    I love colrain and although im not a fan of my father in laws housing being pictures this is the funniest thing I’ve seen. Loving #8 you turtle boy hit the nail right on the head there lmfao!!!!

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