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Turtleboy has survived week one of his ongoing war with the town of Colrain. We’ve rubbed some people the wrong way with our blogs before, but never had we seen the type of blowback that we’ve seen from this Franklin County town of 1,600 people after we wrote this satirical blog about a Colrain man who got a DUI after driving from Greenfield on his hubcaps. The assaults have been ongoing, and the turtle soldiers such as Bret Killoran and Matty Mo have held down the fort on the Facebook machine. But Colrain just keeps firing. Here are the Top 15 Most Colrain Comments From Turtleboy’s War With Colrain.
15. She seems nice
Colrain’s finest ladies and gentlemen:
14. Pickle puffer
SJ Hutchins is from Charlemont apparently, which also made our list of the 21 biggest dumps in Massachusetts. Guaranteed this guy lives in the Route 2 trailer park. Lock it up.
13. The guy who unmasked Turtleboy
You cracked the case!!! Turtleboy has finally been unmasked – my name is Aslan King and I am an aspiring rapper/poet!!!
12. Colrain’s not so bad
Yea, what town doesn’t have a bunch of dilapidated, condemned, burned down buildings from the 18th century in the middle of town? Nothing dumpy about that!!!
I don’t know who is running this TB Customer Service page, but I’d kiss you on the lips if you were here right now. Just proves once again that Turtleboy really is all of us.
10. Dang city slickers!!
Yea, what better way to show the world that you’re not a trashy backwood yokel than calling people “city slicker cunts.” LOL. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the term city slicker used in a sentence when it wasn’t in a movie until now. Didn’t realize people used that term in real life.
9. How’s the weather like in Colrain?
Yea, you shouldn’t put “peeps biz” out there. Because Turtleboy is the only media outlet that documents the criminal comings and goings of Massachusetts’ biggest morons. It’s not like we found out about your fantastic friend from reading the Greenfield Recorder or anything like that.
8. Mother of the year
Because if there’s one thing they don’t stand for in Colrain, it’s spelling and grammatical errors!!
7. You bet your biscuits!!!
God bless this man.
6. Teeth are overrated anyway
It’s OK, George Washington’s teeth weren’t anything to write home about either.
5. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.
Love these comments. FYI, we don’t delete comments unless you write something racist or put something totally inappropriate that fucks up our brand. If you just talk shit about Turtleboy there’s no way we’re taking it down. It leads to way too many hilarious comments.
4. Well, that’s not very nice
Lives in Turner Falls and is originally from Orange. That explains everything. Sure he’s an illiterate racist hillbilly, but at least he’s mastered the art of the topless bathroom selfie. This is what nudnik evolution looks like:
3. Get your facts straight!!
Sure, Ryann with 2 n’s might be a homophobic degenerate, but don’t you dare suggest he has a sister in Vermont!! He’s a committed family man in a VERY serious relationship:
He keeps it real
He takes some mean bedroom mirror selfies
And he saved Paris
He’s earned the right to call people “faggots” using his real name on Facebook. Who would ever suggest Colrain is a dump when it produces winners like Ryann with 2 n’s?
2. Internet lawsuit guy
Dan Herzig, come on down!! You’re the next plaintiff in Turtleboy Internet court!! Harassment lawsuit is a comin’!!! Someone call Jen Roy!!
1. Colrain 4 Life…….Oops!!
Kye Johnson, you sir are most definitely Colrain for life!! God bless you Colrain!! Turtleboy’s buying a summer home up there post haste!! See you in June bitches!!
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