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Wanna feel old? Today (May 14, 2018) is the 20th anniversary of the final episode of Seinfeld. I feel bad for kids these days who didn’t grow up with this show. I’m a huge fan of The Office, Modern Family, Family Guy, and The Simpsons. But nothing compares to Seinfeld. Mainly because the side characters were so good. I think we can all agree that the four main characters go in this order:
And there’s obviously a huge gap there between 3 and 4. Despite what SJW rags like Rolling Stone will tell you, because they think pretending Elaine is funny makes them woke.
But where do the other characters rank? In honor of the 20th anniversary of the day when Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer were sentenced to a year in jail in Latham, Massachusetts, here’s the Top 20 side characters form Seinfeld….
20. Lt. Bookman
“Yeah ’71, that was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don’t judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.”
19. Lloyd Braun
“Serenity now, insanity later.”
18. Mickey Abbott
“I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won’t let him have any.”
17. Hop Sing takeout guy
“She named name.”
16. Alton Benes
“We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. There’s nothing funny about that!”
15. Bob Sacamano
“My friend Bob Sacammano came in here for a hernia operation. Oh yea, routine surgery. Now he’s sitting around a chair by the window saying, “My name is Bob.”
14. Rebecca De Mornay
“Mr, we’re trying to help the homeless here. It’s bad enough we’ve got some nut out there strapping them to a rickshaw. You get your toilet book out of here and I won’t jump over this counter and punch you in the brain.”
13. Jack Klompus
“What d’you think? I’ve never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I’ve ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands.”
12. Kenny Bania
“Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!”
11. The Seinfelds
“Cheap fabric, and dim lighting. That’s how you move merchandise.”
10. J. Peterman
“I know what you’re going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. “Just a taste,” he said. That was all it took.”
9. Izzy Mandelbaum
“If you want to live in a butcher shop, I’m gonna treat you like a piece of meat.”
“Well, Buhner was a good prospect, no question about it. But my baseball people loved Ken Phelps’ bat. They kept saying “Ken Phelps, Ken Phelps.”
You see my dear, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
6. Soup Nazi
“Bread, $2 extra.”
5. Uncle Leo
Arrested? Come on! I’m an old man. I’m confused! I thought I paid for it. What’s my name? Will you take me home?
4. Mr. Kruger
According to our latest quarterly thing, Kruger Industrial Smoothing is heading into the red…or the black…or, whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts?
3. The Costanzas
“This is Frank Costanza. You think you can keep us out of Florida? We’re moving in lock, stock and barrel. We’re gonna be in the pool. We’re gonna be in the clubhouse. We’re gonna be all over that shuffleboard court. And I dare you to keep me out!”
2. Jackie Chiles
“You better believe it. Jackie’s cashin’ in on your wretched disfigurement. Your face is my case.”
“Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check it out! 8-Ball! You got a question, you ask the 8-Ball.”
Who’d we miss?