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So probably around 98% of people in Central and Eastern Massachusetts only went outside to shovel today during Snowmageddon 2015. This meant that we all spent a lot of time on the world wide Internets, which inevitably lead to people saying hilarious things on Facebook about the driving ban, store closings, school cancellations, and governmental abuse. In all seriousness, the only people out there should’ve been people who work in hospitals, plow, or perform other essential services. Oh, and Al Dente too:

Because someone has to find cold dogs.

Andyway, here are Turtleboy’s Top 8 Facebook Comments from Snowmageddon 2015:

8. Sissification of America people

Yea, back in the day we used to drive around in snowstorms and no one ever got hurt. Because back in the day when we respected our elders and ate our vegetables no one EVER got into car crashes or drove badly. Ever. But thanks to our naniburger governor and his “state of emergency” people like Kellie are the only ones keeping it real on the roads.

7. Lady who doesn’t understand how the Internet works

Hey Lisa, you’re on Facebook right now, which means you have access to a magical thing called “the Internet.” There’s probably a million different ways you can find out about weather conditions on Cape Cod at present, but quite frankly the thought of you sitting at your computer and waiting for someone to respond to your inquiry is much more hilarious.

6. The “teachers are lazy” guy 

Yea, this is definitely a paid day off Roberto. Definitely. After all, everyone knows that you don’t have to make up snow days at the end of the year. I’d like to see this guy work at North High for one week. That would be awesome to watch. His comment made a lot of sense after I saw his profile picture though:

5. The “back in my day mailmen weren’t pussies” lady

Yea mailmen!! Debbie is expecting important mail about a credit card she may or my not have qualified for. Back in the 1860’s mailmen on the Pony Express didn’t let two and half feet of white shit stop them from getting us our junk mail. Stop being naniburgers.

4. Marshall law guy

These are the same people who complained about Boston shutting down for 24 hours so we could find the Boston Marathon terrorists. How dare the government shut down it’s roads in order to protect the citizens. Billy G and his gang of Patriots have had just about enough of this tyranny!!

3. The “back in my day kids weren’t pussies” lady

Yea, you pathetic kids. This is all your fault. Maria over here walked through blizzards on her way to Girl’s Trade every day. Uphill both ways!! You and your fancy “plows” and “safety.” And back then snow wasn’t soft and cuddly like it is today. It only snowed rocks. Didn’t stop Maria from getting to first period.

2. The government conspiracy can’t take away my liberties guy

Hey, I thought we kicked England’s ass because we didn’t want some fancy pants king bossing us around. Looks like America has turned into Communist Finland with it’s taxes and safety protocols. Newsflash communist American government – Michael Bowles is sick of your bullshit, and he’s gonna do whatever the fuck he wants to do. Don’t want him driving around? Fuck you. He’s gonna Jeep it up and Facebook at the same time and there isn’t anything you communist bastards can do to stop him!!

1. Liquor Store guy

I’m glad that only essential personnel were out there on the roads today. Just the most necessary individuals that make sure our society can function – first responders, nurses, doctors, and guys who need a 30-pack of Budweiser, a pack of Newports and a scratch ticket. You don’t have to listen to the idiots on TV telling you stay home. Do whatever you want. Sure you could’ve stocked up on liquor before the storm came, but that would mean you’re letting the MAN win. That’s un-American.

He wasn’t done though….

I have no idea what that means, but I’m glad to see he reproduced. Because once you have a baby you have to be responsible. No more drinking and driving in snow storms. First you drive in a snow storm. THEN you buy the booze. THEN you get home and drink it. Like a responsible adult. Duh.

Anyway, this is what we found after 30 minutes of searching? Have any other hilarious things you’ve seen? Share em in the comments.

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