Social Justice Warriors

Turtle Snowflake: How To Take Liberalism Back From The Nutjob SJWs

Turtle Snowflake: How To Take Liberalism Back From The Nutjob SJWs

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Editor’s Note: We got a bunch of submissions for sample blog tryouts, and we are going to be periodically publishing some of the better ones and asking turtle riders what you think. We’re gonna call this guy Turtle Snowflake. 

Welcome to my ‘Safe Space’. I say my safe space because it’s definitely not going to be your Safe Space. For anyone. Ever. Welcome to Snowflake’s Hot Takes, a liberal P.O.V. trying to move beyond blocking roads like assholes or protesting about every little thing. We seriously lost our minds over a cop high fiving a kid? Or a blogger saying mean things? Eff that. Try putting on your nonbinary gender conforming pants and harden up (if that’s your thing).

Now, I feel like we should lay down some ground rules and point out some pretty obvious stuff I think you should know before getting in to anything specific.


1. Your opinion sucks. It sucked yesterday, it’ll suck tomorrow, and most people don’t give a shit about it. – This is incredibly important to remember.

2. Get. Off. Your. Ass. – And I don’t mean to go stand in the road or to some other Facebook famous protest. Protesting does nothing except gain attention and we have that already. Start nonprofits, shop locally, and clean up your own hoods. “But there’s needles and it’s gross wah wah wah” – Thanks, Captain Obvious, but there’s organizations you could join or even start to address that problem instead of complaining the city isn’t doing their job like they should be. We’ve literally formed militias to fight our own government in secret to create this country and all you manage to do is block an ambulance from getting to the hospital. Bravo.


3. You aren’t going to break, you fragile little creature. Running, hiding, or avoiding an issue doesn’t make it go away. Stand your ground and speak your mind.

4. Participation trophies need to die. There’s value in figuring out how to cope with being the absolute worst at something. More on that later.

5. Get mad but don’t get emotional about it. If emotions won arguments then we would have collectively abolished the second amendment when all those kids were gunned down at Sandy Hook but we all know that turned in to a big ole goose egg in the win column for gun control and liberals in general.

6. Don’t feed the trolls – They’re only there to make you look dumb and they will.


Right, so there it is. Some basic ground rules my fellow Libtards should remember. My posts moving forward are probably going to offend pretty much everyone. As long as you all remember that rule 1 equally applies to everyone then we should be fine. Who knows, maybe Brett will find his long lost liberal lover while we’re at it?

Take the shooting last week of the GOP lawmakers playing baseball. First of all, people get shot all the time but this is one that gets chalked up to a loony leftie instead of our usual Warrior for God or some other right leaning nutjob. This makes it very different and I have no doubt that the sac of jelly speaking for the House is going to use this to sure up NRA support since the people that stopped the shooter immediately had guns. I can almost promise you that this will lead to more relaxed gun laws across the nation and might even lead to open carry reciprocity on a national level.


Here’s what liberals should do about it – Not a damn thing and here’s why.

  • For starters, we lost. We should probably get that one out of the way. We’d literally have to take everyone’s guns away and start from scratch but we can all agree that wont happen.
  • You never grew up in the hood. At a pretty young age I knew the people that could get me a gun and for how much at pretty much any time. You really think those people care about your silly laws? There were laws blocking you from stopping traffic too and we see how that turned out…
  • Focus should shift entirely to responsible ownership & government sponsored training programs.
  • With the exception of poor training/storage by some turdrocket that gets his or her kids killed, people kill people.
  • “But what about people that shouldn’t have guns!?!?!?!?!?? Some people are crazy and we need to do background checks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” – First of all, quiet down. I already know you’re offended. Second of all, you should’ve thought about that before you went ahead and micromanaged things while the other side maintained the single unified message of ‘Don’t touch our guns.’

Don’t worry, fellow snowflakes. There’s a way through this. All you need to focus on is that you lost and then try and figure out the lessons from that loss instead of demanding things right away through useless parades and marches because you think you deserve something. This is how we kill the participation trophy.





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8 Comment(s)
  • Sterling Turtle Rider
    June 25, 2017 at 1:40 am

    A quote that seems to dovetail with your general theme here, from a rather unlikely source:

    “The activist isn’t the person who says that the river is dirty, the activist is the person who goes and cleans the river.”

    Oh, and your idea that we as the citizens should go out and actually clean up our neighborhoods, instead of creating a multi-million dollar government agency to fail at doing it for us, kinda makes you less of a liberal… just sayin’.

    • Sterling Turtle Rider
      June 25, 2017 at 1:41 am

      Oops, forgot to say, the quote is from Ross Perot… kind of a nut, but he hit the nail on the head with that one.

  • Wabbitt
    June 24, 2017 at 5:26 am

    I like him. Mainly because it means I’m not the only classical liberal (or as the regressives call us –
    Nazis) around here.

  • Wicked Woke
    June 23, 2017 at 1:19 am

    The meme game is strong with this one.

  • Troubled Nostrils
    June 22, 2017 at 11:27 pm

    Blog on, but my only minor criticism – which would be my criticism of anyone who writes anything anywhere – is to quit. Doing. This. Style. Of. Writing. When. Emphasizing. A. Point. Because. It’s. Becoming. Too. Cliche. I mean, it worked well and was pretty cool for a while, but it’s starting to grate on me.

    I’m guilty myself of that transgression, so I’ve endeavored to cease and desist for the good of mankind and try something else, maybe start a trend. I’m working the use of “God-fucking-damnified-hellfire-rimjob” when emphasizing a point, but I gotta admit…. It’s not going over very well so far.

  • gfldgadfly
    June 22, 2017 at 12:12 pm

    Bravo, snowflake! A+ grade from a progressive centrist pragmatist…. I consider myself liberal, but when it comes to policymaking, anyone who won’t play nice in the sandbox to get useful shit done is dead to me. And the extreme polarizing butt hurt behaviour is just nauseating. You called it, dead nuts.
    Bonus points for spelling and punctuation. You’ll never get a job writing for masslive if you keep that shit up! : )

  • Loving it!
    June 22, 2017 at 11:24 am

    KEEPER!! Welcome to Turtleboy! Looking forward to more blogs.
    Now what will your tag name be? CSTB? Common Sense Turtle Blogger?

  • June 22, 2017 at 11:22 am

    I like Snowflake because he’s a liberal that doesnt want to take away my guns.

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