Bone Ride

Turtleboy Does CPAC


So I went to CPAC this weekend in Maryland and this happened:

You might’ve seen me on Fox News.

Some people might not like Beautiful Ted Cruz, but he’s grown on me. He won me over when he grilled Zuckerberg when he testified in front of the Senate. Him, Ben Sasse, and Lindsay Graham all asked him the questions that needed to be asked of the official gatekeeper of free speech on the Internet.

I was there to meet as many influential people as I could, give them book, get their information, and network. Preferably people who have large social media followings and are on the same page as we are with tech censorship. People like Jesse Kelly, who had his Twitter account suspended for no reason until enough noise was made that Twitter felt pressured to restore it.

People like Attorney Harmeet Dillon, who is suing Twitter in a potentially groundbreaking case about tech censorship.

People like turtle riding patriot Mindy Robinson, who I finally got to meet in person.

People who understand where I’m coming from. I have no idea if any of them will actually read the book, but it’s worth a shot. If you start to read I Am Turtleboy you won’t be able to put it down. Get your’s today if you haven’t already.

CPAC is basically a get together/rally that conservatives host each year in order to mobilize people to donate and get people to vote republican in the next election. It costs $165 a day, unless of course you’re media:

And they don’t just let anyone get a media pass either. You gotta prove you’re legit. So I told the nice lady giving out credentials to Google, “Massachusetts State Police Turtleboy Boston Globe Washington Post.” Immediately articles from the Globe and Post came up linking us and crediting Turtleboy with breaking the biggest scandals in MSP history. I got my pass a minute later.

It’s a four day conference with a main assembly hall where speakers go on periodically throughout the day. Most of them are conservative, but liberals like Van Jones come on if they accept an invitation, and I credit him for doing so. It’s healthy for democracy to have competing ideas exchanged in a public venue like that.

There’s also a bunch of breakout, smaller conferences that happen throughout the insanely amazing and modernized convention center. Definitely a lot of white folk in the house but the amount of black and Latino people in red hats with white lettering proved to me that there are lots of people out there who don’t let their racial identity determine who they are or what they believe in.

In the main ballroom where the speakers were I saw Glenn Beck, Candace Owens, Ted Cruz, Devon Nunes, Mike Pence, Michelle Malkin, Missouri Senator Josh Hawley, and my friend Kassy Dillon from the Daily Wire.

Glenn Beck was boring. He talks like an evangelical pastor about the usual, boring right wing talking points. People like him are a relic of the past. I did not tell him that before this picture though.

Candace Owens was electric.

She basically talked about how she used to be liberal because she was trained that this is what you were supposed to do if you’re black. Then she started thinking for herself and she realized that she was being trained to be a victim. She had a really good line I liked:

“Stop telling us that we need to be obsessing over our past, when we should be obsessing over our future and the potential that we have.”

Of course this is what the Daily Beast took from that:

It’s almost as if the media is fake news.

I don’t always agree with her, but I like interesting people. She is interesting, Glenn Beck is not. She represents the future, Glenn Beck represents the past.

Devon Nunes was boring and I walked out. I have zero interest in talking about Russia or Meuller or Cohen. My interest in conservatism is primarily about free speech and the culture wars, because the left has lost their minds on those topics.

I went Live on YouTube during the Pence speech, but the service sucked because everyone in the room was on their cell phone.

You can dislike Mike Pence all you want, but he is the perfect VP for Trump. Trump is a terrible debater, Pence is one of the best. Trump says dumb shit all the time, Pence is principled and grounded. Trump is a womanizing douchebag (I will still vote for him in spite of that), Pence is a family man who won’t even eat dinner with a woman alone without his wife.

Michelle Malkin used to follow Turtleboy on Twitter, and since she has 2.1 million followers, it sucked to lose access to that DM. Sadly I did not get to meet her or put the book in her hand after her speech, which was ELECTRIC! It was one of the most intense, angry, and mobilizing speeches I’ve ever seen. The theme was simple – we have to stop trying to find common ground with lunatics. Particularly she was talking about social media companies deplatforming so many people for simply having the “wrong” opinions. But this is the ONLY line the mainstream media chose to focus on:

I like Paul Ryan, George Bush, and John McCain. I also get what she was saying. The fact that the “ghost of John McCain” line was the only thing that the media reported on once against shows you that the only thing they care about are clickbait headlines. Here was the whole speech.

After her was Senator Hawley, who I’m a big fan of since he’s been VERY outspoken in regulating tech monopolies. He just unseated Claire McCaskill, I met him briefly and handed him the book. The greatest hope that Twitter and Facebook will stop the assault on free speech is if young elected officials like him, who actually understand how social media works, keep getting elected to office.

The last person I saw speak was my buddy Kassy Dillon. Kassy was a sophomore at Mount Holyoke when she attended a Steven Crowder, Milo, and Christina Hoff-Sommers speaking event at UMass. She had the pleasure of sitting directly in front of a social justice warrior who kept interrupting their panel because she disagreed with them. Kassy made a choice to record this human’s antics and it quickly went viral. We named her Trigglypuff, and she is now the official face of radical leftist activism on college campuses.

Kassy transformed this one tape into a career. She started her own website called Lone Conservative, which hires hundreds of college students across the country to publish stories about insane things they’ve seen from Trigglypuffs on their campuses. Her following grew and eventually she was hired by Ben Shapiro to work at the Daily Wire. Yesterday she urged people to record everything, because that’s the best way to fight back against these people. What I took most from her was when she said that she was used to people like Trigglypuff. Most people are shocked to see people like her, but anyone on a college campus in America is conditioned to think that this is a normal way to act.

Kassy won the Ronald Reagan award for her work.

All in all it was a pretty cool experience and I’ll definitely be going next year since we’ll probably know who the democratic nominee will be at that point. There were TONS of fear mongering propaganda videos with music to accompany it. Ya know, stuff showing Mexican gang members and drugs while not showing illegal immigrants who are cleaning our hotel rooms and mowing our lawns.

But easily the biggest villain that everyone kept talking about was AOC. She is the gift that keeps on giving. She says stupid shit constantly and she’s been propped up as the de facto leader of the left. I saw and witnessed countless conversations about this woman, all of which revolved around voting for republicans out of fear of like her taking over the country. She has single handedly mobilized the right more than Covington, Kavanaugh, and Jussie Smollett combined.

Turtleboy was never intended to be a conservative blog, since I really wasn’t that interested in politics when I started this thing. All I care about is free speech so that our ability to expose bad people is unimpeded. It’s pretty clear that one team supports this while the other team doesn’t, so that’s my team until that changes.


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56 Comment(s)
  • Greg
    March 11, 2019 at 9:48 pm

    Were you there when Donnie Dementia humped the flag?

  • Kermit Ze Log
    March 4, 2019 at 6:59 pm

    A couple things might have helped: wear a tie; take off that ridiculous sweatshirt (the only thing people saw was a prematurely aged teenager in a awful shade of green sweatshirt); May be time for a new set of frames; maybe hand sweatshirts, books, and hats out to fans instead of wearing your own fan swag; your intern would’ve been a better option to hold your things (better in comparison to your drawstring knapsack).

    You must’ve gone to graduate school to be a teacher.. No?.. So I’m suprised you showed your face like that. Although to your advantage, no one knows your face. In any case, you were a little out of your league here and your unprofessional getup gives it away.

    Ps: do you have any platform shoes? Boots with a heel? Maybe a top hat? Something to give you a little height. You look like a high schooler doing a school project.

    • So disappointed
      March 5, 2019 at 5:04 am

      No wonder why you decided to be anonymous for so long, TB. If I came out looking like you after acting like a hardo all these years, I wouldn’t ever post my nerdy 5’2 self in pictures ever, either. I had much more respect for you when I didn’t know what you looked like before. LMAO. Dear God.

    • hacheww
      March 21, 2020 at 1:36 am

      Kermit Le Zog. Fucking gross

  • Chris
    March 4, 2019 at 4:38 pm

    Kassy Dillon is one of the few bright spots to come out of MA in recent years!

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    March 4, 2019 at 10:27 am

    CPAC started out as a gathering to share solid conservative values.
    Its now a freak show for the LOOK AT ME CROWD!

  • Turtle Rider
    March 3, 2019 at 9:44 pm

    Raping Bills fans is not a crime.

  • WPWP
    March 3, 2019 at 4:05 pm

    Was this the one where Trump rape-fucked the the American flag and absolutely drenched it with his own cum? More confirmation: best president ever. #MAGA

  • Slokie
    March 3, 2019 at 3:24 pm

    How can turtle boy racist when he dresses like a color blind ethnic.

    • R
      March 3, 2019 at 4:01 pm

      If I saw a dindu dressed like that I’d put eight in his brain, no questions asked.

  • Reactionary
    March 3, 2019 at 2:25 pm

    Nice to see CPAC was a GOPe embarrassment as usual. The country is disintegrating and who do they trot out to speak at CPAC? Candace Owens and “Diamond and Silk”. I’m surprised they didn’t drag out Ben Shapiro too.

    The Republicans are on the cusp of never being able to win a national election again and they sit there and cater to demographics that will never vote for them.

  • Gay Dave
    March 3, 2019 at 11:29 am

    I never realized you’re such a little cutie.
    What are you, 4’6″ tall with heels on? You could probably blow me standing up sexy.
    That being said I thought you had to go to school and have some sort of press credentials to get a Media pass? Like how do they know that you’re not some psycho AOC supporter there to fuck people up?

  • MAGA
    March 3, 2019 at 9:41 am

    I’m also a big Mike Pence fan. Hope he’s out next president and we can finally ban blacks and fags from the military!

    • Me
      March 4, 2019 at 12:41 am

      Stupid shit Dems say to try and frame conservatives ! Pence would never ban black people from serving in the military.

      • Greg
        March 11, 2019 at 9:54 pm

        You’re right. If Pence has his way, ONLY blacks would be in the military.

  • Kim Un Jong
    March 3, 2019 at 3:43 am

    I’d skip the duckface selfie, I’ve read it’s not a good sign 😉

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      March 3, 2019 at 10:50 am

      I noticed that, too.

  • Nate Higgers
    March 2, 2019 at 11:21 pm

    Candace Owens is a shit-eating dindu.

    • Linda
      March 3, 2019 at 8:09 am

      It’s not a duckface selfie. It’s a “ooooohhhh look at this hot chick will ya” selfie. Big difference.

  • Duck lips???
    March 2, 2019 at 10:08 pm

    Dear Uncle Turtleboy, I love you and this is awesome!!! But what is up with the duck lips in the picture with Mindy Robinson? Why Uncle Turtleboy WHY??? LMFAO still love you and happy to see you out there promoting the book and free speech!! #TurtleRiderForLife #FuckTwitter #FuckFacebook #FuckHashtags

  • Class Act
    March 2, 2019 at 8:34 pm

    Honestly thank you for drawing a circle around yourself in that photo.
    Nobody would have spotted you in a crowd wearing that neon green hoodie.
    Honestly you could have dressed better to represent the Woo.
    What happened, you couldn’t find your wife beater?
    I really expected better.

    • Class Act!
      March 3, 2019 at 10:34 am


      Kid wears a fucking neon green hoodie to a political event and has the balls to pass out his book like a sociopath – as if any of them didn’t throw the book out after feeling awkward, nodding they will read the book and accepting it feeling as if they have to.

      It’s like the “pray for Jesus” people in NY streets. You take the pamphlet to make them feel better and throw it in the next trash can closest. Keep dreaming, geek.

  • Class Act
    March 2, 2019 at 8:29 pm

    Nothing says take me seriously like showing up at a suit and tie event wearing a bright green hoodie!
    That’s the equivalence of a hood rat showing up to his mothers funeral in a sweat suit and a Bulls cap.
    Not the best way to represent brother.

    • Haha
      March 2, 2019 at 10:14 pm

      Because he’s wearing a sweatshirt to represent his brand??? Shut the fuck up and go home Gaffney If you’re not Gaffney, your definitely someone who is been butt hurt by Turtleboy. Get over it and move on to better yourself.

    • Kermit Is Proud
      March 3, 2019 at 7:20 am

      TB is a local blogger from Woostah’ Massachusetts. Being true to his roots and promoting his brand as others have pointed out.

      Look at this blog, it’s rough an tumble, gross, blunt and doesn’t apologize or censor like most. TB did the honorable thing and didn’t try to mislead or bullshit anyone at CPAC, about where he comes from and what his blog is. The fact that TB is attending CPAC means TB has seen the light and made great strides since his days as a mind numbed teachers union member. TB still has a ways to go but he is “getting it” now. Glad to see our boy TB growing up.

    • Linda
      March 3, 2019 at 8:07 am

      He’s dressed 100% the way WOOrats dress. He was representing his brand and standing out in a crowd of thousands.
      Truth be told, he was dressed better than most Worcester slobs. At least he didn’t wear a stupid Patriots jersey like most clowns do.

  • Reg Dunlop
    March 2, 2019 at 8:02 pm

    Kassy Dillon is a fuckdoll, that is all.
    PS, she is more than fuckmeat, i like what she has between the ears as well.

  • Guess What Movie
    March 2, 2019 at 7:20 pm

    CPAC doesn’t appear too popular with the brothers

    • JimmyBooms
      March 2, 2019 at 7:25 pm

      I thought you were a track coach? How the fuck did you get Rocky Maciano’s nose? Google it I hope you laugh.

    • Tom
      March 3, 2019 at 11:01 am

      CPAC is instrumental in advancing the white race and preserving a future for white children.

  • Get Off My Lawn
    March 2, 2019 at 7:00 pm

    Free Gavin McInnes!

    • Freedom isn't for the Weak
      March 3, 2019 at 7:23 am

      fuck yeah brother, political prisoner a model day Paul fucking Revere!

  • z
    March 2, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    “I like Paul Ryan, George Bush, and John McCain. ”

    I did too at one time. Mention those names now and I’ll check the bottoms of my shoes for dog-shit.

    Bushes think tank just came out with a call for more immigration to boost the economy.
    The economy, not peoples personal finances. Wage growth has been stagnate for decades, let’s let some more in. They get rich and the rubes that voted for them are too stupid to realize they are getting the shaft. I hope I not as much of a rube as I used to be.

    McCain, never saw a war he didn’t like.

    Ryan, Speaker of the US Chamber of Commerce. See Bush, above.

    At best those 3 clowns were better than the alternative. There’s nothing to like about them.

  • Liberalism is a mental disorder
    March 2, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    Great job TB glad you made it. 95% of all media is left wing propaganda as most journalists are registered Democrats and are paid to push the party line. The truth needs to be out there about the dangerous people and paths that this country is headed towards. AOC and her Democratic Socialists are unfortunately the future of this country as most young people these days graduate from Socialist Indoctrination Camps formerly known as college and will vote for this shit. There’s a runoff election in Chicago this April and from the looks of it, 5 Democratic Socialsts will be put on the city council. This shit needs to be pushed back or else this country is screwed.
    OT, ever notice how hot Conservative Women are…compare that to the blue haired Liberal Feminazi wart hogs.

    Were you and Phil Collins twins separated at birth?

  • Natasha
    March 2, 2019 at 6:13 pm

    Not gonna lie, you’re a babe, UT!

  • Sal O’Mal
    March 2, 2019 at 6:09 pm

    Congratulations TB but a few things. 1) The Russia thing is dry and convoluted, but you should read Dan Bongino’s book. The whole Russia hoax was orchestrated by Obama admin. to cover up its own spying on political opponents. And it colluded with foreign governments to do it. This is a major constitutional crisis. 2) Free speech will be gone FOREVER if Dems import a permanent voting class (illegal aliens). Illegals are essentially slaves, working for peanuts, at the mercy of their “owners” (chamber of commerce republicans and limousine liberals).

  • Church Yo
    March 2, 2019 at 5:51 pm

    SJW’s and Didi D are on the wrong side of history

      March 2, 2019 at 11:23 pm

      Yeah I don’t listen to blacks because I’m a real Republican. Keep sharing dindu videos though you fucking liberal.

      • This aint Ferguson, Baltimore or Lawrence
        March 3, 2019 at 7:12 am

        Listen to their words without looking at them and admit you agree with them and they agree with you. I understand lots of Whites have had experiences in shit hole neighborhoods with Blacks, Hispanics and mostly other Whites. Listen to the words and ideas with your eyes closed to the race, it’s hard to overcome past bad experiences but give it a try.

      • Me
        March 4, 2019 at 12:47 am

        You are not a republican. A republican doesn’t say shit like “white pride”
        You are a Democrat trying to make it look like a republican is commenting. Your fake scandals are tiresome.

  • whatevuh
    March 2, 2019 at 5:47 pm

    I had pretty much forgotten about Trigglypuff, OMG what a fat, homely, disgusting waste of oxygen she is

  • MAGA, Freedom
    March 2, 2019 at 5:32 pm

    We’re not going to take it anymore.

    • Orange Man Brass Balls
      March 3, 2019 at 7:29 am

      Anyone else catch that President Trump is going to be signing a bill to ensure freedom of speech on College campuses specifically aimed at stopping the censuring, assaults and harassement of Conservatives.

      Colleges and Universities that don’t follow the bill will lose Federal Funding… Ouch!

  • MAGA, Freedom
    March 2, 2019 at 5:20 pm

    God Bless President Donald J. Trump.

  • Travis Rearick
    March 2, 2019 at 5:15 pm

    Brawler’s nose

  • Randall Guy’s Alter Ego
    March 2, 2019 at 4:35 pm

    Great report! This is the first CPAC I haven’t attended in the last few years but always remember them as being energizing experiences.

    Can the book be purchased anywhere other than Amazon? How about signed copies for an additional fee?

  • Batman
    March 2, 2019 at 4:29 pm

    Great info uncle T B. Fight the good fight. Would have loved to been there. Will donate this week. God bless.

  • Randall Guy gave me pinkeye
    March 2, 2019 at 4:28 pm

    I’m dandy randy. Always drunk on brandy. If I was broke, I’d give kraft a handy. I take great pleasure sniffing my mommas pandys.

    Hickory duckies dock. Ohhhhb

    Joaquin hoffalot on Randy’s wife’s big bulbous gunt.

    • whatevuh
      March 2, 2019 at 8:22 pm

      when the fuck are you people going to grow up?

  • Anthony Grossi
    March 2, 2019 at 3:53 pm

    “Him, Ben Sasse, and Lindsey Graham…”. And you were a teacher? Replace “Him” with “He” and you have it right. It’s no wonder prospective masters’ degree education majors have the lowest average score on the GREs. You do a great service Uncle Turtleboy, but you’d have a lot more credibility if you learned proper grammar.

    • Bockets Bedglare
      March 2, 2019 at 4:17 pm

      That’s funny. You’re expecting UTB to actually appear to be smart.
      Good for you.

    • Grammar PD
      March 2, 2019 at 4:45 pm

      ^ all units. Gonna need an all points bulletin on uncle turtleboy for felony grammar violations. About 5’6” 160 looks like a level three offender. Wears glasses. Use caution. Great informant ebenezer is the reporting party, info is reliable. Use caution. Suspect Also has warrants out from Facebook for having multiple accounts and a trespass order from twitter.

  • cpac for you
    March 2, 2019 at 3:07 pm

    Wow. AK looks like a circumsised penis gone bad.

    Maybe if all the supporters give him a little rub every now and then he’ll get better.

    • Cute Chick
      March 2, 2019 at 3:43 pm


      • AKyawn
        March 2, 2019 at 4:14 pm

        So you’ve spent time with him, eh?

  • Llama
    March 2, 2019 at 3:00 pm

    Congratulations TB

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