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Turtleboy Gets Shoutout From Springfield PD After The Ware Vibrator Bandits Arrested Buying More Crack Cocaine At Family Dollar

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Breaking news: The case of the Ware Vibrator Bandits has been solved, according to the Springfield Police Department’s Facebook page:

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Keep telling us that Turtleboy isn’t making a difference. This is what we do here. We get vibrator bandits off the streets. This story is just too perfect. Here’s a list of predictable yet amazing things about it:

  • They were arrested outside of the Family Dollar.
  • The cops weren’t looking for them, but they were doing crack surveillance and just so happened to see the three most Internet famous crackheads in the 413.
  • The vibrators were referred to as “marital aids”
  • Turtleboy Sports got a shoutout on the Springfield PD page and is credited with making the vibrator bandits identifiable
  • They are known forever as the vibrator bandits
  • None of them changed their clothes in the last 36 hours
  • All three of them had crack cocaine on them, even though our girl Kristy Beck claims to be clean

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  • “West Side will seek complaints against the threesome tomorrow in Springfield District Court”
  • The vibrators are gone and presumably worn out, and the lube has all been used
  • The Family Dollar they were arrested at is directly next to a hospital called “Vibra hospital”

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  • The Family Dollar they were arrested at is a block or two away from “Blunt Park”

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There isn’t a place in America where they would be more likely to be found than at the Springfield Family Dollar next to Blunt Park and Vibra Hospital.

Oh yea, and here’s the best part. This guy:

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Charles Paine – he sent us an email earlier in the day. Apparently he was pictured in our blog in this photograph:

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And he didn’t like it. Here’s what he wrote to us:

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“You recently wrote an article, that includes a picture of me up that I was wondering If u could remove. I do not need nor was I involved with that. I have people harassing me. And I want no part of them or their stupid actions. Please remove the picture. Thank you. Charles Paine.”

Seemed genuine so we actually took the picture down. Then we read this. Damn. We got Turtleboyed again!!! If you can’t trust a vibrator bandit from Palmer then who can you trust?

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Anyway, we probably should’ve seen this robbery coming from a long ways away. Kristy Beck hasn’t been shy about her lack of lube lately according to her Facebook posts:

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July 2015? If you went that long without lube you might rob a West Springfield CVS too. Even today on her Facebook page Kristy Beck people were letting her know that she was Turtleboy famous:

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But instead of taking her Facebook page down like a normal person who was currently on the run for vibrator theft Kristy Beck just kept on doing her:

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Can’t wait to see how court goes!!! If these were normal people they’d probably care that they will forever go down in Google history as the Vibrator Bandits. But then again, none of them probably give a shit. Look on the bright side Kristy, Anthony, and Charles – you can always move to Colrain. You’ll fit right in there since 90% of Colrainian residents moved there after getting caught stealing lube from a CVS.

 

 

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20 Comment(s)
  • C
    May 20, 2016 at 10:33 pm

    The Paine dude really isn’t the one from the robbery video though. That’s 100% Nick Remillard of chicopee. He’s always in and out of jail. Real scumbag. His mom was defending him on the West Springfield police post lol. She always does.

  • Joe Max
    May 20, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    Too bad the dog is hooked-up with the Mensa members.

  • Elizabeth
    May 20, 2016 at 9:58 pm

    Poor pup. I wouldn’t let those three degenerates near my houseplants.

  • Bowen Hardcase
    May 20, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    Put these clowns on a TBS headstone!

  • A
    May 20, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    On her Facebook, in addition to showing the exciting life of a heroin addict, she was also cuddling a beautiful white dog. I hope the aspca gets involved. That dog is the real victim here.

  • Judge Smails
    May 20, 2016 at 8:47 am

    I absolutely love the post by the Springfield Police. They shit all over these crackheads with a nice PC spin. Good work Springfield Police Department.

  • Spankster
    May 20, 2016 at 8:10 am

    Look at the look on the dog. Do you think he is a tad concerned as to what that lube is going to be used for?

  • Paul
    May 20, 2016 at 7:28 am

    Wonder if the guys will be allowed to bring the lube to prison with them. I am sure they are going to need it.

  • Maggie the Cat
    May 20, 2016 at 6:30 am

    Well done, TB!

  • BobnMic
    May 20, 2016 at 1:41 am

    Seriously however Turtleboy Sports is getting better than MassMostWanted.org.

  • MrSmiley
    May 20, 2016 at 1:34 am

    Always trust the guy who has his last name tattooed on his neck.

  • JayC
    May 19, 2016 at 11:56 pm

    Whatever cop wrote that Facebook post deserves an award for referring to the stolen loot as “marital aids.” A+ for that description knowing full well that marriage or any normal meaningful relationship is the furthest from what any of those three morons will ever be in.

    • BobnMic
      May 20, 2016 at 12:28 am

      Martial Aids for who? The soon to be Sweaty Betty stripper at noon time making zero tips or the dingleberry wearing the Yankees hat?

      • Alexander Knight
        May 20, 2016 at 9:21 am

        She’ll be dancing at the Monson Ballet sooner than you can shake a stick at her…

    • Fatfingr Lou
      May 20, 2016 at 6:39 pm

      Al Bundy’s definition of “marital aids”…. “breath mints for you, Peg, and Wild Turkey for me”

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    May 19, 2016 at 11:16 pm

    The Vibrator Bandits is the best name for a criminal enterprise since The Wet Bandits.

  • Boss Tweed
    May 19, 2016 at 11:12 pm

    You can’t make this stuff up. What the hell is the world turning into….

    • Jon
      May 20, 2016 at 1:32 pm

      While the world is certainly turning into a fucked up place – more and more every day, I really don’t find this story to be very concerning. That is to say: I’m not very worried that these idiots are contributing (very much) to the “downfall of society”.

      These people are just idiots. Freaky, kinky, threesome loving, crack smoking, DVDA doing, idiots. And they sure do make for some hilarious blogs.

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