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The Worcester St. Patrick’s Day Parade is truly a magical event. Worcester’s finest show up in all shapes and sizes to perpetuate the stereotype that Irish people are a bunch of drunkards. While the yuppies in Boston were talking about canceling their parade next weekend, no such possibility was ever even discussed in Worcester. Think we’re gonna let 50 feet of snow stop us from drinking in public and watching random people walk by us in a parade? Think again.
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever actually watched the whole parade before. But this year the Turtleboy Sports Mafia had a front row seat for the festivities at the only place to celebrate an Irish holiday – a Jamaican restaurant called Yamon.
The St. Patrick’s Day Parade easily has the highest concentration of old guys in white sweaters walking with canes despite the fact that they are perfectly able-bodied:
And there is some random shit in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. For instance, what says “I’m Irish” more than your electric provider:
It’s pretty brave marching down the street with a National Grid banner. You might as well wear an Enron shirt to the next Occupy Wall Street meeting. Seriously, who’s gonna cheer for you? “Thanks for robbing me so that I can watch TV and see things in my house National Grid.” Smart move by the guy in the Turtleboy Sports t-shirt. He was being booed the entire parade until he started flashing that bad boy. Obviously he became a crowd favorite after that.
The worst part about marching where they did is the fact that they were directly behind a bunch of random horses. And horses like to poop a lot:
And I think we can all agree that the worst job in the whole parade belonged to the guys who had to follow behind the horses, clean up their glorious Irish dumps, and shovel them into the bed of their truck:
North High has been in the news a lot lately and not for good reasons. But like I’ve said a million times, there are over 1,000 awesome kids at that school. And North is pretty much the greatest school around when it comes to their ROTC, which wins a shitload of awards on the regular:
The North High Polar Bear, who apparently is slowly starving to death, was there along with the North High School student/official spokesperson for law and order, Leith Larson:
The Polar Bear wanted to come and hang out with us at Yamon
But he was quickly whisked away
Not to be outdone the Worcester South marching band was out in full force as well
A parade mainstay are the shriners, who drive around in little cars
I have no idea what the shriners do when it’s not St. Patrick’s Day, but when I’m 80 years old I am definitely signing up to be one of them.
Oh yea, and another thing – how do so many people know how to play the bagpipes?
I have never met someone who knows how to play these things. But every time the parade rolls around there seems to be a never-ending supply of them. Who’s giving bagpipe lessons in Worcester? And what do you do the rest of the year with your bagpipes when there’s not a parade going on?
The parade is also a big day for politicians. If you’re not marching in this thing good luck getting elected. State Representative John Mahoney knows that:
and unfortunately so does Dicky Rushton and Joe Petty:
I guess when you’re the most unpopular city councilor in Worcester’s history you have to align yourself with the McGovern machine if you want to have any chance of survival. Don’t forget in November that Rushton does NOT support the Worcester Police and is on the Turtleboy “Do Not Vote For” list.
At the same time, I wonder why Jim McGovern even bothers. Like, there’s no way that guy can ever lose. Remember his last campaign sign?
Two city councilors who clearly have decided to distance themselves from Dicky Rushton as much as possible were Gary Rosen and Mike Gaffney. And as much as some unnamed local columnists would like to silence Gaffney, they can’t stop him from riding the turtle:
And is there anything more Irish than Carl’s Oxford Diner?
If you’ve never been to that place before and you’re looking to gain about 20 pounds and clog your toilet when you get home, then I’d head down to Carl’s for the biggest portions of everything that you’ll ever see in your life.
And what Worcester St. Patrick’s Day would be complete without and Oriental band from Rhode Island?
or some guys with sticks
or a family of four having a candlelight dinner on the back of a truck
Also, I don’t think I’ve ever been to a St. Patrick’s Day Parade without seeing two drunk knuckleheads getting into an “almost fight, but not really close to fighting” dispute in the Wendy’s parking lot:
The parade was dominated by Turtle fever though. Everywhere you looked you saw Turtle riders. They were at Leitrims
100.1 FM The Pike
DJ Bobby J at Mickey O’Neil’s
But I think we can all agree that the winner of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade was this turtle rider, who was literally everywhere. Including but not limited to the Blarney
She was a naughty turtle at Mickey O’Neils, stealing money from the till
Tending the bar
And I’m 99% sure the guy in the background is urinating on a car
It doesn’t get much more Worcester than that guy.
Turtlegirl wasn’t done though. As she marched from place to place
everyone wanted to take pictures with her. Including Worcester firefighters
The Worcester Police
No one could keep their hands off the Turtle
Next year I definitely think we need a turtleboy float. You’re all invited. Even Clive McFarlane. Free beer. It’s gonna be the most epic parade float ever. See you all next year!!
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