Bone Ride

Turtleboy Nation Dominates Worcester St. Patrick’s Day Parade

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The Worcester St. Patrick’s Day Parade is truly a magical event. Worcester’s finest show up in all shapes and sizes to perpetuate the stereotype that Irish people are a bunch of drunkards. While the yuppies in Boston were talking about canceling their parade next weekend, no such possibility was ever even discussed in Worcester. Think we’re gonna let 50 feet of snow stop us from drinking in public and watching random people walk by us in a parade? Think again.

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever actually watched the whole parade before. But this year the Turtleboy Sports Mafia had a front row seat for the festivities at the only place to celebrate an Irish holiday – a Jamaican restaurant called Yamon.

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The St. Patrick’s Day Parade easily has the highest concentration of old guys in white sweaters walking with canes despite the fact that they are perfectly able-bodied:

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And there is some random shit in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. For instance, what says “I’m Irish” more than your electric provider:

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It’s pretty brave marching down the street with a National Grid banner. You might as well wear an Enron shirt to the next Occupy Wall Street meeting. Seriously, who’s gonna cheer for you? “Thanks for robbing me so that I can watch TV and see things in my house National Grid.” Smart move by the guy in the Turtleboy Sports t-shirt. He was being booed the entire parade until he started flashing that bad boy. Obviously he became a crowd favorite after that.

The worst part about marching where they did is the fact that they were directly behind a bunch of random horses. And horses like to poop a lot:

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And I think we can all agree that the worst job in the whole parade belonged to the guys who had to follow behind the horses, clean up their glorious Irish dumps, and shovel them into the bed of their truck:

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North High has been in the news a lot lately and not for good reasons. But like I’ve said a million times, there are over 1,000 awesome kids at that school. And North is pretty much the greatest school around when it comes to their ROTC, which wins a shitload of awards on the regular:

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The North High Polar Bear, who apparently is slowly starving to death, was there along with the North High School student/official spokesperson for law and order, Leith Larson:

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The Polar Bear wanted to come and hang out with us at Yamon

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But he was quickly whisked away

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Not to be outdone the Worcester South marching band was out in full force as well

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A parade mainstay are the shriners, who drive around in little cars

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I have no idea what the shriners do when it’s not St. Patrick’s Day, but when I’m 80 years old I am definitely signing up to be one of them.

Oh yea, and another thing – how do so many people know how to play the bagpipes?

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I have never met someone who knows how to play these things. But every time the parade rolls around there seems to be a never-ending supply of them. Who’s giving bagpipe lessons in Worcester? And what do you do the rest of the year with your bagpipes when there’s not a parade going on?

The parade is also a big day for politicians. If you’re not marching in this thing good luck getting elected. State Representative John Mahoney knows that:

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and unfortunately so does Dicky Rushton and Joe Petty:

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I guess when you’re the most unpopular city councilor in Worcester’s history you have to align yourself with the McGovern machine if you want to have any chance of survival. Don’t forget in November that Rushton does NOT support the Worcester Police and is on the Turtleboy “Do Not Vote For” list.

At the same time, I wonder why Jim McGovern even bothers. Like, there’s no way that guy can ever lose. Remember his last campaign sign?

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Two city councilors who clearly have decided to distance themselves from Dicky Rushton as much as possible were Gary Rosen and Mike Gaffney. And as much as some unnamed local columnists would like to silence Gaffney, they can’t stop him from riding the turtle:

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And is there anything more Irish than Carl’s Oxford Diner?

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If you’ve never been to that place before and you’re looking to gain about 20 pounds and clog your toilet when you get home, then I’d head down to Carl’s for the biggest portions of everything that you’ll ever see in your life.

And what Worcester St. Patrick’s Day would be complete without and Oriental band from Rhode Island?

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or some guys with sticks

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or a family of four having a candlelight dinner on the back of a truck

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Also, I don’t think I’ve ever been to a St. Patrick’s Day Parade without seeing two drunk knuckleheads getting into an “almost fight, but not really close to fighting” dispute in the Wendy’s parking lot:

The parade was dominated by Turtle fever though. Everywhere you looked you saw Turtle riders. They were at Leitrims

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The Blarney

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100.1 FM The Pike

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Ninja Turtleboys

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Park Grille

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Brew City

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DJ Bobby J at Mickey O’Neil’s

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But I think we can all agree that the winner of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade was this turtle rider, who was literally everywhere. Including but not limited to the Blarney

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Beatniks

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Rumors

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Smokey Joe’s

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She was a naughty turtle at Mickey O’Neils, stealing money from the till

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Tending the bar

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And I’m 99% sure the guy in the background is urinating on a car

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It doesn’t get much more Worcester than that guy.

Turtlegirl wasn’t done though. As she marched from place to place

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everyone wanted to take pictures with her. Including Worcester firefighters

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The Worcester Police

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No one could keep their hands off the Turtle

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Next year I definitely think we need a turtleboy float. You’re all invited. Even Clive McFarlane. Free beer. It’s gonna be the most epic parade float ever. See you all next year!!

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25 Comment(s)
  • Yes and alias Tom Brady = Dumb and Dumber
    March 10, 2015 at 2:52 pm

    alias Tom Brady: Flo, like the TV show. Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?

    Waitress: It’s the Soup of the Day.

    Yes: Mmmm. That sounds good. I’ll have that.

  • Yes and alias Tom Brady = Dumb and Dumber
    March 10, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    Yes: All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we’re in like a dirty shirt.

    alias Tom Brady: No problem, Yes. We can be classy and sophistic… Oh, check out the funbags on that hosehound.

    Yes: I’d like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.

  • Yes and alias Tom Brady = Dumb and Dumber
    March 10, 2015 at 2:32 pm

    [man and woman walk by]

    Yes: Ooh, look at the buns on that one.

    alias Tom Brady: Yeah, he must work out.

  • Yes and alias Tom Brady = Dumb and Dumber
    March 10, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    State Trooper: Pullover!

    Yes: No, it’s a cardigan but thanks for noticing.

    alias Tom Brady: Yeah, killer boots man!

  • Leith Larson
    March 10, 2015 at 8:14 am

    loving the photos

  • BobnMic
    March 9, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    Yes says, “poor, hopeless, insignificant Worcester souls” – Really? You are a douchemoronica!

    • Tom Brady
      March 9, 2015 at 5:49 pm

      Are you trying to create a new word? To be honest, it sounds pretty fucking stupid. Maybe you should let Michele do the commenting for the night. She can’t possibly be any dumber than you.

      • BobnMic
        March 9, 2015 at 8:40 pm

        You are such an idiot and STOP defaming the character of the great Tom Brady. Change your name dooshemoronica. This newly developed synonym for a douchebag / moron is befitting to a loser like you. Hey – You look good wearing it. Congrats.

  • Yes
    March 9, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    A city who prides itself on a parade is a sad, hopeless city indeed.

    • GoneWestButNotSoft
      March 9, 2015 at 2:03 pm

      No.

      • Yes
        March 9, 2015 at 3:39 pm

        Actually, yes! It suggests you are so worthless and insignificant that you need to resort to petty activities such as parades to feel any sort of pride about yourself and where you’re from. Real, upstanding cities have real things to pride themselves on. Parades are just an afterthought, a pastime, a pawn in our much bigger, deeper and enriching game. Sure, we have them, but they are meaningless. We have so many more important things to concern ourselves with. I understand being from Worcester, you cannot really relate to what I’m saying. However I assure you, such places do exist- they are not fairytales my friend!

        The pitty I have for your poor, hopeless, insignificant Worcester souls.

        • No to Yes
          March 9, 2015 at 4:23 pm

          Yes you are pathetic and depressing.

          • No to Yes
            March 9, 2015 at 4:26 pm

            Just like Jive!

          • Yes
            March 9, 2015 at 7:57 pm

            The truth hurts my Worcesterian compadre

        • BobnMic
          March 9, 2015 at 4:50 pm

          My my Yes. How negative are we? You must be a lot of fun to hang out with.

        • Blong
          March 11, 2015 at 11:51 pm

          Larry?

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    March 9, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    I should have ditched work and joined you guys.

    Cuck Flive and ride the turtle!

    • Tom Brady
      March 9, 2015 at 4:04 pm

      Yeah, too bad Walmart is open 24-7. Better luck next year.

      • Wabbitt
        wabbitt
        March 10, 2015 at 3:05 pm

        Tell me, oh bridge troll, which vaunted profession are you a part of? Heart surgeon? College professor? Perhaps you’re a scientist working on a cure for AIDS?

        No, more likely you’re in a basement waiting for your beleaguered mother to bring you more chicken tenders. All the while picking bits of breading from your neckbeard. And collecting disability because of the sebaceous cyst on your ass crack.

  • Jaime
    March 9, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    Dicky Rushton doesn’t support the police because he helps drunken drug addicts who beat their ex girls and children! He tries to strong arm people into letting little girls get beat up by loser fathers! I am with you on the DO NOT VOTE FOR! If you do an article on him alone I have all kinds of paperwork to help the cause!

  • Tom Brady
    March 9, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    I’m not surprised the Turtleboy Army was out in full force. The parade is, of course, the largest gathering of white trash in central Massachusetts of the year!

  • Maggie the Cat
    March 9, 2015 at 11:48 am

    What’s up with the Jamaican theme is that everybody wants to be Irish! And turtles are green, so they must want to be Irish as well.

  • Scott Zolack
    March 9, 2015 at 11:38 am

    It’s funny you used Clive to hide your identity, sort of like when you used Clive to promote it that time you needed his help.

    • Finnish Goalie
      March 9, 2015 at 12:08 pm

      This what you do during the commercial breaks, Scott? Could you at least plug the blog once on the station?

  • Clean Hippie
    March 9, 2015 at 11:22 am

    Idk what’s up with the Jamaican theme, but I dig it.

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