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Many of you have reached your breaking point with all this snow. It was cute and all when it first fell, and it made Mrs. Turtleboy feel all nice and warm inside as she drank hot cocoa and looked at the beauty of the snow as the moonlight reflected upon it. But this shit isn’t cute any more. Driving around here is less efficient than the West Virginia public schools. Luckily for everyone in Worcester Turtleboy has a 13 point plan to fix your traffic woes in the Woo.

1. Cars that haven’t been shoveled out get towed. 

If you don’t need your car bad enough to shovel it out within a week of a snowstorm, then you obviously don’t need the car badly enough. People who don’t shovel their car out have a special spot in hell reserved just for them. Hey ding-dong, the fact that your truck, which is literally made for conditions like this, wasn’t shoveled out doesn’t just affect you. It affects everyone. Now the guy in front of you has to parallel park, causing a cluster fuck of traffic. You’ve also effectively cut off 15 feet of public roads because you’re inside watching Dance Moms. They obviously won’t miss these cars when they’re gone, so get them out of my face already.

2. The Krock family gets put in front of City Hall in stockades until they cease from being assholes. 

These people are the Mr. Potter’s of Worcester. They live in a mansion on Salisbury street and own a shit load of property that they don’t take care of. Think they give a shit that their abandoned property like this eyesore on Park Ave and Beaver Brook turn into New England heroine conventions? Nope. Not their problem. Likewise they obviously don’t give a shit about shoveling the sidewalks on Park Ave that directly abut their property. I think people of all races, genders, sexual orientations, and social classes can agree that these people need to be publicly shamed in dramatic fashion.

3. Parking lots are not the same thing as sidewalks. 

The CVS/TD Bank at Rice Square is the perfect example of what I mean by this. Under those gigantic piles of white shit are sidewalks. But these nudniks seem to think that the fact that you can walk through their parking lots in lieu of the sidewalks is acceptable. It’s not. Parking lots are for parking and driving cars. Sidewalks are for walking. If you own the property that abuts them then you have to clear them so people can walk to Wholly Canoli. It’s not enough to pay a plow guy to push it all onto the sidewalk. Don’t wanna shovel it? Cool. Don’t open a business in New England then.

4. If you don’t shovel your walkway then your house becomes the defacto PIP shelter. 

Take a look at these dooshnozzles. This is a three story apartment building. The landlord needs to get their ass down there and shovel God’s frozen poop off the sidewalk. So many landlords don’t live in Worcester so they don’t think they need to shovel their property. Just sit in their homes in Hudson and wait for the checks to roll in. Get out of my face. Someone apparently cleared a quarter of the steps off, but said “fuck it” to the sidewalk. Not their problem. You don’t wanna clear your sidewalk? Fine. That’s a declaration of abandonment when Turtleboy takes over this city. Your house official becomes the PIP shelter.

5. Just because you’re sitting in a car that isn’t moving, doesn’t mean you’re not parking. 

This is from Hadwen Street. As you can see the minivan is parked directly in front a No Parking sign. I passed by this jerk whistle and he gave me the “what do you want me to do look?” Clearly he was waiting to pick someone up. Guess what pal? Not my problem. Circle the block a few times or tell whoever you’re waiting for to get their shit together. You are singlehandedly causing gridlock that doesn’t need to exist.

6. The City needs to shovel sidewalks that belong to the city

Hey Ed Augustus? Where you at bro? Look, we all know you’re the City Manager because people like you, not because you’re at all qualified for the position. But at least pretend to play the part. This is your first major crisis and you have completely failed. City property is not our problem, it’s your problem. You have no issue taxing us up the wazoo and ticketing us when we break the rules, but where’s your accountability? Your complete shit job on shoveling public walkways owned by the city is forcing people to walk in the streets, which then forces traffic to not move and endangers everyone. Take a lap Auggie.

7. When you shovel snow for on-street parking spots, throwing the snow back onto the street in order to create a defensive fortification for your vehicle is not acceptable. 

There is at least 12 feet of snow there that could be stacked vertically instead of horizontally. But that would require work, so these geniuses just left it where it is. Look, I understand it’s a pain in the ass to shovel out a spot. But the problem with the dingleberries who inhabit this city is they take the snow, and then they put it on the street instead of on the other side of their car. Is it a pain in the ass to throw it on top of that 12 foot mountain? Yup. Welcome to New England. If you don’t have what it takes then move to Florida and try not to get shot by George Zimmerman.

8. If you don’t shovel out a fire hydrant next to your business then we get to burn your business down.

I’m sick of going online every day and reading about another home or business that burnt down because some dooshnozzle didn’t wanna shovel out a fire hydrant. Newsflash – it’s your job to shovel out hydrants in front of your home. Don’t like it? Cool. We’ll burn your property down and you can figure out how to put it out without a hydrant.

9. Citizens who walk on the street in places where sidewalks are shoveled out are immediately sent to jail. 

I understand that there are a lot of numbnuts who don’t shovel their sidewalks. But Chandler Elementary School is not one of them. Clearly there is a sidewalk there, but this slug rake thought it would be wise to walk in the middle of Chandler Street. This effectively forces everyone to slow down and move into the left lane so as not to run this idiot over. In Turtleboy’s Worcester people like this are fair game. Don’t wanna get hit by a car? Walk on shoveled out sidewalks when they’re there.

10. Declare war on the businesses of West Boylston Street and Lincoln Street. 

These two streets were by far the most egregious violators in my tour de Worcester today. Road Runner, Peterson Oil, Consumer Auto Parts, McDonalds, Dunkin Donuts, a mini mart, and whatever the hell the “Golden Pita” is, basically told the citizens of Worcester to go fuck themselves by not even attempting to clear off their sidewalks. Why would they though? Clearly there’s no repercussions from City Hall. Well, not until Turtleboy is in office at least.

11. Burger King must give everyone in Worcester free Whoppers. 

Apparently Burger King franchises everywhere were given instructions to purposely not clear their sidewalks so people would be forced to walk inside and by a cholesterol sandwich. There’s a handful of Burger Kings in Worcester, and collectively they give a grand total of zero fucks about shoveling their snow. It’s really not that hard though. The Union Tavern, Smokestack Urban Barbecue, and Worcester State University all seemed to figure out how to do it. They must have magical shoveling super powers.

12. Two lane roads need to be two lane roads. 

This is a real pet peeve of mine, and is the first thing I think of when people defend the the job the city has done with plowing. Making a two lane road into a one lane road isn’t an acceptable solution. When I was driving through Rutland on my tour de Worcester County I saw plows out there widening the roads. Why can’t they do this on Grafton Street, Lake Ave, Lincoln Street, Gold Star Boulevard, Main Street, and a plethora of other streets in Worcester? I’m not an engineer, but I’m pretty sure if you widen the roads it will just make the snowbanks higher. Pretty simple solution.

13. Have parking bans on one side of the street for one day, then switch the next day. Clean up the snow to widen the streets. 

As you can see it would be hard for plows to widen these roads because morons have created snow fortifications for their cars. Simple solution. You have specified days where odd numbered sides of the streets are off limits to parking all over the city. The DPW sends a bunch of plows in and starts to get rid of all that white crap so that streets are the appropriate width and people can park without being in the middle of the road. Then you switch. The next day you can’t park on even numbered sides of the street. If you do, you get towed. Not my problem you’re getting in the way of progress.

So there you have it folks. I’m seriously doing a write-in campaign for November’s election. Obviously Turtleboy has figured out in one blog how to fix a problem that our government is paid to figure out on their own. No biggie though. Once Turtleboy is running this city all your problems will be solved and Worcester will be the greatest city in the history of the world.

Want to have your business advert seen by over 500,000 people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@yahoo.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer

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