Reader Emails

Turtleboy’s Cape Cod Ratchet Scavenger Hunt – A Must Play Game For Anyone Crossing The Canal Trying To Escape The Mainland 

"I Am Turtleboy" now available on Amazon

Now you have something to do while sitting in traffic! 

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at [email protected] for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

We have the best fans in the world. We really do. A rider, who goes by Jeezy Green, decided to write up this hysterical check list for those Turtleriders going down the Cape this Summer! 

Take pictures as you see them – and if someone gets all of them, completing the Scavenger Hunt, you’ll get a free Turtleboy shirt! 

We are always open to awesome reader submissions! Send them on in! 

When people think of Cape Cod, they usually think of vacations, beaches, boats, and seafood. While the Cape certainly does have all of those things, over the years it has added so many more hidden attractions. If your Cape weekends have started to feel repetitive I have created a scavenger hunt of 10 secret Cape gems to search for and break up the monotony of your beach days and lobster rolls.
1. A pregnant woman smoking a cigarette and pushing a baby carriage

This elusive attraction has been popping up on Cape more and more over the past decade. Although this majestic sight is pleasing to the eye, be forewarned- if you attempt to photograph it you may be verbally assaulted, and possibly have to dodge a flip flop or 40oz being thrown at you.

Hint: If you are struggling to check this one off of your list, I recommend traveling near the D-Y High school. This seems to be their natural breeding grounds.

2. A man wearing a pair of salmon shorts next to a man in a pair of super long and baggy jean shorts

This phenomenon is extremely rare, as both fashion trends are pretty absurd. Lots of areas may be flooded with confused young men who wear one kind or the other, but here on Cape Cod you can regularly catch a glimpse of the two worlds colliding.

Hint: If you have spent your day looking for these two fashionistas in the same place, I recommend a convenience store in Mashpee. This is where New Seabury meets Trashpee. If you see them exchanging money for a white powdery substance, do not be alarmed. The summer gets hot and every true Cape Codder knows that jean short guys have the most effective gold bond.

3. A man groping a woman 20 years younger than him

This occurs quite often around the Cape. The Kennedy men established this practice here on Cape, and now our current President has given the act the national spotlight. The Cape has always been known for its money and beaches, and when you combine the two you are sure to witness this age old Cape Cod tourist attraction.

Hint: If you have been unable to spot this gem, I highly recommend going to Trader Ed’s at Hyannis Marina. This bar/restaurant you can drive your boat right up to! Which is perfect, because it just so happens to be the port where entitled divorcées and girls with daddy issues meet. It is a safe haven as these practices seem to be not only practiced by management but promoted.

4. A rub and tug massage parlor

These places have been a well-guarded secret of locals for years. Not only is this a great item for the scavenger hunt, but it is also a great way to relax on your vacation.
Hint: If you need to check this one off and have been unable to find a secret HJ spot, or if you just say fuck the scavenger hunt I want a handy, just head down to historic Hyannis Main Street, you will find one right at the end! 

5. A confederate flag flying from a pick up truck

You would think that with Cape Cod never being part of the confederacy, and being over 400 miles north of the Mason Dixon line, that flying the confederate flag would be contradictory to the way of life around here. Apparently Stonewall Jackson enjoyed summering here, and would regularly spread his seed in the locals before heading back south. Finding this one will be relatively easy, as you will normally hear a very load engine, country music blaring, and a mullet wearing, small-peckered gentleman yelling “YeYeYeYeYe!” before you actually see the flag.

Hint: Little known Cape Cod fact, Stonewall Jackson had a northern plantation in Marstons Mills. This is where most of his illegitimate children were born. These descendants are known to the locals as Millbillies, and if you travel to this village in Barnstable you are sure to check this one off of your list.

6. A walker from the Walking Dead

About the time the hit AMC show premiered, an influx of these zombie-like humans appeared on Cape Cod. It is unknown whether or not these people are extras from the show, auditioning for the show, or are actual zombies. One thing is for sure, they never break character. Unlike the show, however, they do not appear to want to eat you- in fact, it looks as if they do not eat at all. They are relatively harmless and will most likely only ask you for a couple bucks or an extra cigarette.

Hint: These will probably be easily spotted in most areas of the Cape. If you are hard pressed to find them though you can visit Yarmouth. Although they do not indulge in the food, they can usually be found around any fast food restaurant.

7. A cop at road construction, with his hand in his pocket, not directing traffic at all and letting the cars fend for themselves 

We call them “Detail Dan”. They tend to be the same police officers over and over again in every town. The police have such faith in the driving abilities of the drivers around here that they trust us to navigate our way, not only around construction workers, but oncoming traffic as well. 

Hint: Look for any road construction sign, find a shady spot nearby, and that is where you are sure to find Detail Dan.

8. Someone doing a field sobriety test

A right of passage on Cape Cod is passing a field sobriety test. I am fairly certain that in elementary school they teach you to say the alphabet without singing it, to balance on one foot and count to ten, and to touch your nose. Chances are you will not be hard pressed to find someone performing these talents.

Hint: If you have been spending most of your vacation at the beach and have been focusing on checking off the other things on this list have no fear. Simply travel to Bearses way or North street in Hyannis at 1:15am, you are sure to get this one. 

9. Someone purchasing over 100$ in scratch tickets and lottery

The Rich didn’t get rich from not winning the lottery. Not all of us had the luxury of making a family fortune from bootlegging hooch during prohibition. Fact: 94% of all money on Cape Cod is from lottery winnings. You gatta spend money to make money. Spotting one of these people may be difficult to the untrained eye, but if you know what to look for it is relatively easy. They almost always have a plastic case issued from the lottery that contains their magic numbers.

Hint: If you want to spot them, go into any convenience store at the busiest time, and look for the longest line with a confused elderly person at the front.

10. A male romper 

I didn’t say this was going to be easy. This one is kind of like the Loch Ness monster of Cape Cod. Nobody has actually caught this one on camera yet. The style and type of person it would take to wear one, however, greatly coincides with the people of Cape Cod. 

Hint: The most likely place to find this one is certainly Osterville. Osterville has always been ahead of its time with fashion. The pastel colors, the length of the shorts, and the ability to have multiple buttons undone on the top half make the male romper ideal for the people of Osterville.

Now that you have seen the secret attractions of the Cape, get back to buying horribly made hoodies, overpaying for weekly rentals, and visiting all of the local restaurants and bars.

4 Comment(s)
  • Sandy Clam Muncher
    June 19, 2017 at 10:43 pm

    Trader Ed’s is run by Jonny shea who is best known for beating up a woman in a cigar bar on main st as her husband the owner of the place looked on. He is not the manager on record with the town of Barnstable as they have seen his CORI. Yet he runs Annual Miss Cape & Islands Bikini Contest at Trader Ed’s the contestants have to change and primp in the food storage room classy. A few Reviews :Got there the bartender’s all drink the owner walks around hitting on every young girl there nothing but big overstuffed bodyguards to work at the door definitely not a place to bring young kids…:Owner is a POS, grabbing on and degrading young woman. Luring them in with liquor and drugs.:Another rigged bikini contest. Nobody showed up! I guess now that john is old it’s not worth giving him head for $2,000. What a joke. And how about the obliterated 40 yr old that competed. How embarrassing.:The couple times I did go he grabbed my ass and hit on me so I never returned. You’re probably one of the Cape Cod attention seekers he’s sleeping with. I’ve seen with my own eyes him get a 20 year old drunk to the point she was throwing up in a cup at his bar take her on his boat. Real good man.: This shameful slime from Shrewsbury Has his huge boat AKA the stabbing cabin docked a few steps from the bar to get young drunk girls ass up before there friends come looking for them or the haze clears. Just last summer a young lady was drugged at the bar but Jonny has as many cop pals as horny wealthy old creeps to make things go away. The pool bar is CASH ONLY so are most staff paid in cash. The day will come when Karma finds him. He has a young teen female offspring I don’t know how he can sleep at night.

  • on it's back
    June 19, 2017 at 1:07 pm

    What the hell is going on…..grab grab.grab!!!!!!

  • Beige Caulk
    June 16, 2017 at 2:12 pm

    This is the classic definition of trying too hard.

    More Dianne Williamson hammering please

    • June 18, 2017 at 9:28 pm

      did someone say “cock”?

      I love lit up keyboards.

Comment on this Post


Guest Blog: Janay Rice Can’t Stop Tweeting About Adrian Peterson Kicking The Shit Out Of His Kid
Guest Blog: Minnesota Moron Wears Worst Adrian Peterson Outfit Ever
This Ice Dancing Guy Hates Turtleboy Sports So Much I Can’t Help But Respect Him