We didn’t even need to wait until Halloween for the “my neighbors are trying to poison my kid’s candy” bullshit to rear it’s ugly head. Our inaugural douchebag this year are Heather Heaphy and Nicholas Waldie from Dover, NH.

Grown man with a flat brimmed hat that still has the sticker on it. Douchebag status unlocked.

Usually it’s a “someone stuck a razor blade in my crotch fruit’s Three Musketeers, but this year they got creative.

Two hundred sixty six MORONS saw someone post without ANY evidence that their crotch fruit’s candy had Goddamn detergent injected into it, and instead of questioning this insanely implausible story they went ahead and hit the share button instead.

Daddy Dickwasher couldn’t believe someone could do something so diabolical.

But how did they know the candy was injected with detergent?

This slimy fuckbag ate his crotch fruit’s Halloween candy before they could. Luckily he’s still alive. Thoughts and Facebook shares.

Some people speculated that this story might be bullshit. Heather made a really convincing case for why she should be believed though.

Because she said so.

A couple people did have some questions.

The detergent was inside the candy? Where are the pictures of the needle marks penetrating the chocolate? Where’s the picture of the detergent? Just look at these two greaseballs.

They wouldn’t know what detergent looked or smelled like if it came out of their assholes.

But usually these hoaxes at least come with a picture of the razor blade placed inside the candy. What do these two have?

A picture of an unopened Reece’s peanut butter cup. Mystery solved.

Of course they wasted the cops’ time with it.

But in one of the greatest self owns of the week Daddy Dickwasher admitted that the police knew it was complete bullshit too.

HAHAHHAHAHAHA!! This boob called the cops, showed them some candy, and asked them if it had Goddamn DETERGENT in it!! Of course they told him there wasn’t, he ate it, and immediately realized it did have detergent in it after all. He would know since he looks like the kind of Shortbus Shamus who started eating tide pods last year.

Then again, the cops probably knew him because he’s what the courts refer to as a “felony habitual offender” who doesn’t like to listen when cops tell him to stop doing something.

So yea, if you blindly shared this then you’re a fucking moron and you should have your poon polyps confiscated by the DCF fairy for believing a career criminal who provided no evidence whatsoever simply because his girlfriend wrote something on Facebook.

Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:

Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: