Two Muskaqueers Make Up Lie That Someone Put Detergent In Their Crotch Fruit’s Candy In Dover, NH


We didn’t even need to wait until Halloween for the “my neighbors are trying to poison my kid’s candy” bullshit to rear it’s ugly head. Our inaugural douchebag this year are Heather Heaphy and Nicholas Waldie from Dover, NH.

Grown man with a flat brimmed hat that still has the sticker on it. Douchebag status unlocked.

Usually it’s a “someone stuck a razor blade in my crotch fruit’s Three Musketeers, but this year they got creative.

Two hundred sixty six MORONS saw someone post without ANY evidence that their crotch fruit’s candy had Goddamn detergent injected into it, and instead of questioning this insanely implausible story they went ahead and hit the share button instead.

Daddy Dickwasher couldn’t believe someone could do something so diabolical.

But how did they know the candy was injected with detergent?

This slimy fuckbag ate his crotch fruit’s Halloween candy before they could. Luckily he’s still alive. Thoughts and Facebook shares.

Some people speculated that this story might be bullshit. Heather made a really convincing case for why she should be believed though.

Because she said so.

A couple people did have some questions.

The detergent was inside the candy? Where are the pictures of the needle marks penetrating the chocolate? Where’s the picture of the detergent? Just look at these two greaseballs.

They wouldn’t know what detergent looked or smelled like if it came out of their assholes.

But usually these hoaxes at least come with a picture of the razor blade placed inside the candy. What do these two have?

A picture of an unopened Reece’s peanut butter cup. Mystery solved.

Of course they wasted the cops’ time with it.

But in one of the greatest self owns of the week Daddy Dickwasher admitted that the police knew it was complete bullshit too.

HAHAHHAHAHAHA!! This boob called the cops, showed them some candy, and asked them if it had Goddamn DETERGENT in it!! Of course they told him there wasn’t, he ate it, and immediately realized it did have detergent in it after all. He would know since he looks like the kind of Shortbus Shamus who started eating tide pods last year.

Then again, the cops probably knew him because he’s what the courts refer to as a “felony habitual offender” who doesn’t like to listen when cops tell him to stop doing something.

So yea, if you blindly shared this then you’re a fucking moron and you should have your poon polyps confiscated by the DCF fairy for believing a career criminal who provided no evidence whatsoever simply because his girlfriend wrote something on Facebook.


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40 Comment(s)
  • Kiki Xi
    November 3, 2019 at 12:12 am

    These two Hoaxers obviously did this themselves. They want to play victim like so many other lying libtards do in this day & age.
    I didn’t watch the video yet, but how do we really know if these “victims” really called the police?

    Whatever, i am so so so SO SICK of the, “I Wannabe a VICTIM-HOAX CULTURE” by the Rotten Filthy Bull-Shitters who ALL need to be made an example of & get some serious time in Prison for this CRAP! Then maybe the next Wannabe Victim Hoaxer will think twice before creating another, POOR ME VICTIMHOOD STOOOOPPID HOAX!

  • Christopher Lettiere
    November 1, 2019 at 12:29 pm

      November 1, 2019 at 4:42 pm


  • Russmo
    November 1, 2019 at 12:18 pm

    Nick before you get your picture taken you should clean your boyfriends cum out of your moustache

  • Real_Finn
    November 1, 2019 at 12:01 pm

    It’s weird how there was nothing in the news about this – right?

    Get Fucked,

  • Christopher Lettiere
    November 1, 2019 at 11:24 am

  • Olde Salt
    November 1, 2019 at 9:28 am

    After years of Urban Legends finally some chud in Waterbury CT had to prove the razor legend true. Nobody got hurt and the chud’s bond is set at $250k. Kinda low, I’d say.

  • Smell my feet
    November 1, 2019 at 9:16 am

    I keep trying to find the house that gives out THC candy.

    But I never get any. (Big frown)

  • OU812
    November 1, 2019 at 8:01 am

    Detergent? That’s no fun. Ex- Lax? Now that is way fun….

  • Judge dread
    November 1, 2019 at 2:25 am

    Look at every picture of his chunk.

    Pin hole eyes despite a flash. Yah big shocker a bunch of junkies looking for attention.

    His eyes would be pin holed if he was watching a nuclear air burst.

    • Captain Trips
      Captain Trips
      November 1, 2019 at 9:36 am

      You beat me to it. Old apple face there is high as a kite

    • Dr. Ed
      November 1, 2019 at 10:27 am

      YOUR eyes would be pinhole if you were watching a nuke air burst — if you were very lucky…
      Pupils are SUPPOSED TO get smaller in response to bright light.

      • Captain Trips
        Captain Trips
        November 1, 2019 at 3:19 pm

        They don’t react fast enough for a flash to do that

        • Judge dread
          November 1, 2019 at 5:50 pm

          Hence red eyes in photography. Plus looking at an air bust will burn out your retinas.
          Making you completely blind.

    October 31, 2019 at 10:58 pm

    Fucking idiots… I don’t know who is stupider, him or the people
    Believing him…lol…

  • Toady Fields
    October 31, 2019 at 9:02 pm

    Having a great Halloween! Everytime a bunch of nogs and/or illegal mudrats came to my door looking for candy I tell them to “SCREW cause you get enough free shit as it is!” Then slammed the door in their parasitic little faces!

    Now waiting for their government-sponsored parent(s) to come with pitchforks and torches! Fuck-em!

    • WeRFucked
      November 1, 2019 at 10:11 am

      No you didn’t asshole. In your sick dreams, that’s what you want to be… a racist tough guy who picks on children.

      Those children didn’t chose their parents, just like your parents didn’t choose you. If your parents knew how you were going to turn out, they would have aborted you.

  • isthatabullshat?
    October 31, 2019 at 8:35 pm

    Can’t wait to hear this filthy tell all.

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    October 31, 2019 at 8:06 pm

    Ok, one more…. 😀

    We all thought that this sea-cow had lied
    But she ate the bad candy and died
    The detergent fermented
    Inside the lamented
    And made cider inside her insides.

    • Nee Chi
      October 31, 2019 at 9:05 pm

      I like it.

  • Compelling Evidence
    October 31, 2019 at 7:59 pm

    I kind of believe them. Look at the evidence. Laundry detergent is definitely being purchased at the Dollar Tree but there’s not a single pair of clean jeans in Dover. Where’s all that detergent going? That’s right, it’s in the Halloween candy.
    I don’t know. They might be being used to prop open the porch door so the smoke detectors don’t keep going off.

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    October 31, 2019 at 7:58 pm

    A Halloween Limerick for the morons of Dover….

    On the night of the tricks and the treats
    There’s morons on Dover’s mean streets
    You can see from his face
    The only soap in the place
    Is the stuff that came out of the sweets.

    Dick Scratcher (aged Take 5-2)

  • MudderFocker
    October 31, 2019 at 7:57 pm

    Scumbag NH dumpsterfire committing a scumbag crime. Shockah!! Really? A candy crime? Hillybilly rednex wearing flat brimmed hats? Losers.

  • poopship14
    October 31, 2019 at 7:40 pm

    Not this shit again…

    Every fucking year….

  • Judge dread
    October 31, 2019 at 7:28 pm

    The judge has several contacts at Proctor and Gamble that would love to test their tide detergent on human subjects, but only in China.

    send a half dozen tinted out SUV’s and refrigerated utility vans to their house, sweep it clear, a few “on call” pre med students to certify the organs, and export them to China where they belong.

    Organs get harvested first; Tide injections second.

    They think Halloween is all fun and games, but to my international partners you’re just a flesh sack.

  • Metro West Guy
    October 31, 2019 at 6:27 pm

    Always treat a grown man in a flat brimmed baseball hat and beard with the utmost scorn and ridicule. One case where a book can definitely be judged by its cover.

  • Dr Ed
    October 31, 2019 at 6:06 pm

    Drugs will affect your ability to taste. Known fact…

    I’m guessing cops knew that….

    • Fupagathering
      October 31, 2019 at 11:19 pm

      Known fact that drugs affect everything. I suspect you watch CSI. Fupa.

      • Dr. Ed
        November 1, 2019 at 4:44 pm

        So instead of sitting through a boring day-long seminar, I could have just watched CSI. Damn….

    • Dr Smeg
      November 1, 2019 at 1:48 am

      Such a genius

  • Lipstickhippie
    Lipstick Hippie
    October 31, 2019 at 6:02 pm

    Attention whores. WTF is wrong with people???

  • ncfoothillbilly
    October 31, 2019 at 5:44 pm

    People with Downs Syndrome shouldnt reproduce.

    • Toady Fields
      October 31, 2019 at 9:06 pm

      Neither should 1st or 2nd cousins!

      • ncfoothillbilly
        November 1, 2019 at 7:28 am

        Apparently, this guys parents missed the memo.

  • Retarded Michael Rappaport
    October 31, 2019 at 5:25 pm

    Somebuddy medd wif my CANDY!

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    October 31, 2019 at 5:16 pm

    I implore everyone to share this on Facebook! Detergent can be lethal to a small child! They are also putting razor blades in the apples! If your little ones must go Trick or Treating, bring all their candy and apples to Logan Airport and ask the TSA to run it through the x-ray machine! You can never be too careful!

    October 31, 2019 at 4:50 pm

    Please check your kids Halloween candy this year I found a fully functional AK47 in my kids candy!!!

  • Cyril Figgus - ISIS Comptroller
    October 31, 2019 at 4:46 pm

    Fucking retards.

  • hartf811
    dirty bastards
    October 31, 2019 at 4:41 pm

    Dover is the hempiest city in NH. Sommersworth is the boneless chicken ranch of NH due to the hard drug influx. But NOBODY works, bathes or shaves regularly in Dover.

  • Alan Bohdiewicz
    AJ Alphonse
    October 31, 2019 at 4:40 pm

    Someone has been injecting their food with stupid.

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