US National Soccer Team: Proof That America’s Best Hope For Soccer Is To Spread Our Seed Around the World

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.


Want further proof that America dominates the world? Look no further than our soon to be World Cup Champion soccer team. We’ve got five German born players and a Norwegian, including

Tim Chandler from Frankfurt


John Brooks from Berlin

APTOPIX Brazil Soccer WCup Ghana US

Fabian Johnson from Munich


Mikkel Diskerud from Oslo

Mikkel Diskerud

Jermaine Jones from Frankfurt


Julian Green from Munich

Julian Green


A lot of these guys are really important cogs on this team. Brooks scored the game winning goal against Ghana. Johnson played the entire game. Jones and Clint Dempsey were easily the best two players on the field. Chandler, Diskerud, and Green did a great job of making sure the bench didn’t fly away.

Sure, Johnson and Brooks were directly responsible for Ghana’s only goal, with defense that would make Dennis Wideman and Kyle Arrington say, “Man, those guys suck”:

Ghana v USA: Group G - 2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil

But Brooks did score the game winning goal. And the bottom line is that several of these guys could’ve played for the German national team. Julian Green is the youngest of the bunch and was influenced by his father to choose the American team over zee Germans.

“The United States is still my first choice,” Brooks told The New York Times in 2012. “Playing for the German team was OK but America was a lot better.”

Yea, sure he probably picked America because he’d actually get on the field, but we’ll just assume it’s because he realizes that America kicks ass.

All of these guys are yet another example of why America is by far the greatest country on earth. We can’t imperialize any more, so we just spread our seed all over the Globe instead. Then after the American Dad’s do what they do best – abandon their children, the Mom’s raise their kids in Germany. And since in Germany soccer is the only thing that matters, you have a new sub-race of people with dominant American blood, who are being brought up to play soccer like Americans are brought up to play basketball and baseball. The youth systems are better in Germany. It’s all they’ve got. So when you give Americans access to the the best training possible, this is what you get. Murica.

Oh yea, and did I mention that Jermaine Jones bagged Miss Germany and spread his American seed around some more?


This is the winning model right here people. America can’t become a world soccer power by relying on America alone. Soccer will never, ever be popular enough here for our best athletes to focus solely on this sport. The best will always focus on basketball and real football. But what we SHOULD be doing is putting more military bases in countries like Germany where soccer is king, and continuing to spread our seed. I want more military bases in Argentina, Italy, Spain, and Uruguay.

Oh yea, and of course Brazil too. God, imagine the possibilities if we did that. Brazilian women are obviously the hottest on the planet and they love Americans of all shapes, hues, and sizes. Well, some sizes are preferred I assume. Imagine what would happen if we started spreading our seed to Brazil like we’ve done to Europe:


Dominant. Another reason why Tom Brady is the greatest American who has ever lived. At this rate the 2028 USMNT will be an unstoppable force of Brazilian-American nature.

You know who this sucks the most for? Adolf Hitler. Seventy five years ago things were looking great for him. Dude looked like a genius, conquering what he wanted to when the fuck he wanted to. Sure looked like the whole German/Aryan superiority thing was on point.

Fast forward to 2014. Since 1940 America has kicked his ass, permanently put hundreds of thousands of American soldiers on bases all over Germany, including several supposedly racially inferior African-American soldiers who have since impregnated all of the hottest German women, and then used the superior German soccer programs to develop soccer players who will eventually play for the United States.

Oh yea, and after we facialize Portugal on Sunday, we’re coming for Germany next, and we’re gonna beat him with a bunch of Germans and a German coach.

Suck on that Hitler.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Vote



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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.





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