Warning: Turtleboy Sports Imposters Have Invaded Facebook and Twitter

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So there was some confusion out there today regarding a bunch of impostors sending a lot of people friend requests on the Facebook machine. At some point today you might’ve heard from this individual:


I got it too. The man or woman is a fraud!! The one friend that they had at the time was the Telegram and Gazette’s Dianne Williamson. She took the bait and so have several of you. Since then Facebook must’ve informed them that they had to change their name. Since they were using Facebook as a “personal” page, they have to use an actual name. Turtleboy unfortunately isn’t a common American name…..yet.

So that’s when this guy started showing up:

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Same guy. Or gal. Doesn’t matter. Add em to the list of the counterrevolutionaries that want to usurp me from my throne atop the magical turtle. In case you haven’t seen in the comments we now have official Turtleboy Sports resident trolls. Old Time Paperboy is a classic. He sticks to all caps and sometimes he’s actually pretty funny. Lately though he just sounds bitter and angry. And that’s not very funny at all.

Then there’s the guy pretending to be Dave Portnoy, always plugging Barstool. Basically these are the two nimrods that Barstool Sports stuck on us because we spam their shit blogs trying to convert people for the revolution. Like we said, they know a threat when they see one. This blog is less than a year old and we get over 30,000 page views a day. Every time we publish a blog we’re basically speaking to a sold out Fenway Park. Except unlike Fenway our audience isn’t filled with idiots that wanna sing Sweet Caroline when the Red Sox are losing to the Cubs 9-1.

So yea, obviously Barstool knows we’re taking their target audience. The people have spoken.

They’ve even created a fake Twitter handle:

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And of course what would a troll be without a blog of their own?

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Oh they started a blog mocking me? That’s so cute. Think about that for a second. They hate the revolution soooo much, they spent hours today making a Facebook, friend requesting all who ride the turtle, and even writing a knock-off blog. I’m truly flattered.

I’m not gonna lie, it was actually kind of funny watching them try to be me:

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Not only are they using all my words, they also stole my favorite meme!!!


So who is behind this impostor blog? I have no idea, and quite frankly I don’t care. They won’t be the last, because we will continue to call out every moron who spews their nonsense all over Facebook. Here’s what you idiots don’t realize – you are the vast, vast minority. I’m not doing anything special here. Just pointing out common sense things like the fact that the anti-police rally was led by a WASPy entitled college professor whose entire concept of police brutality comes form the Talib Kweli album she’s got on repeat in her Prius.

Ya see you people have had a monopoly on internet thought for so long because you speak the loudest. While everyone else is working and hanging out with their families, you’re all whining about police brutality. People just don’t have the time to deal with you. But I do. Because I sit on a stone turtle all day. I literally have nothing else to do.

But anyway I just wanted to unravel the mystery. So I went through the hate mail and found this guy:

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LOL, theft. These people never get old. “Cyberbullying.” That’s rich too. You went to a public rally and got attention from the newspaper. You have an open Facebook page that’s just craving for attention. I really can’t comprehend how many people out there don’t understand the concept of Facebook. Let me spell it out for you nudniks one more time. When you put it on Facebook, IT NO LONGER BELONGS TO YOU. It belongs to them. Everyone can go in there and grab every picture they want. Don’t want your stuff out there? Maybe, just maybe you should stay off of Facebook? This genius sent a link too about how I’m gonna get sued for copyright on those pictures. What he apparently forgot to do was read it. Because if he had he would notice that the article was about Google images. Google and Facebook are not the same thing. They are completely different companies. I can’t believe I’m explaining this right now.

So Matt Caranci is apparently some sort of talk show host on a WCUW, 91.3 FM, which is evidently some sort of radio station.

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Ever heard of it? No? I dare you to turn it on right now if you live in the 508. Double dare you. Because right now I’m listening to some of the most bizarre version of the classics I’ve ever heard. I’m literally listening to Merle Haggard getting massacred right now by some local jamokes who most likely play at the Hotel Vernon on Thursday nights. Merle Haggard would totally kick those guys asses if he could hear what I’m hearing right now. Please, for the love of God, stop the noise. Here, I even taped 40 seconds of it for you. Beware of headaches:

See, I told you!! That’s their version of Walking on the Fighting Side of Me. Shocking, I thought a big shot DJ with the legendary prowess of the 12-2 guy on the Ska show would have much hotter beats than that:

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I’m not fucking with that guy. Rule #1 of survival in the streets is don’t mess with cross-eyed that have long, pointee goatees. Nothing to lose form this guy. Well, unless you count that coveted 12-2 slot on 91.3 FM!!!

Either way, I don’t think it was him. Yea, this guy was at the really against the Worcester PD, but so weren’t a bunch of other people who work eight hours a week and complain that Wall Street is fucking them over. Plus this stuff started appearing around noon, and as you all know, Matt Caranci is mixing Worcester’s hottest beats at that time.

But I did notice that Matt Caranci’s post was liked by one, “Richard Poole.” And on DJ Ska’s Facebook page he had written this:

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Apparently someone can’t handle the hot takes. So obviously we had to check out his page to see what his deal was. Shockingly, this is what we discovered:

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A full blown Commy!!! Those actually still exist!! Where’s Joe McCarthy when you need him? Yup, these are the people who were protesting the Worcester Police. A bunch of Commy bastards. No wonder these counterrevolutionaries wanna stop the TBSports revolution in it’s tracks. They must protect the proletariat!!!

Or is it Shane Hall? He’s been bad mouthing the Turtle all over Facebook. He’s even plotting to secretly dethrone me from my turtle on his Facebook page. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell him that his Facebook is public, which makes the secret meeting not-so-secret after all:

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Ohhhhhh shit. Anonymous email huh? Conspring with legendary DJ Matty C? What do you need an anonymous email for? Perhaps starting your own blog? Perhaps for creating a new Facebook and Twitter handle?


curses, foiled again

I dunno if it’s him though. The blog was kind of witty. Someone with a brain obviously wrote it. And after watching the rap skills of Shane Hall, I’m not so sure he’s capable of doing that:

Yup. This is what the face of the anti-Turtleboy crowd looks like:


That’s what we’re up against here. How on earth can we possibly stop this rap legend from dethroning the Turtleboy? With skills like that I am literally shitting my pants on my turtle as I write this…


I almost don’t wanna know. I enjoy the mystery. Mystery is fun. Which is why all these goons are throwing out wild accusations as to my real identity. I got people saying I’m a cop, while others are saying I’m a firefighter, and some even saying I’m a teacher. LOL. Newflash – I could never be any of those things. I don’t have the patience to deal with hippies, so being a cop is out of the question. You couldn’t pay me enough money to run into a burning building, so firefighter is ridiculous. And teach? LOL. That’ll be the day. As you may notice I pretty much comment on my Facebook page all day long. Kind of hard to have one of those jobs and consistently spit out hot takes 24/7.

Anyway, I’ll give you a hint. I have a lot of free time and I have the luxury of working from home. And not my mother’s basement either. She died during the influenza of 1894. But just understand that your guesses aren’t even coming close, so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride on the turtle!!

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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27 Comment(s)
  • HeSaid
    September 17, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    Rap battle style hahah…
    Rap might not be the TBS thing..remaining anonymous might be more the style and safer..that’s why someone would have to go through the trouble of having records pulled. Just to find out who/where to send the cease and desist letter. Among the comments I’ve seen in the articles probably figures it’s less likely someone will actually go through the time and trouble for reasons that are self explanatory if you’ve read a few of them.

  • September 17, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Thanks for the shout out!

    And for recognizing my true status as a Central Massachusetts Rap Legend, I sold a few albums through your post which I will now shove in my urethra because YOLO

    If you think I’m behind TurtleBoy Sporks or whatever you’re a bigger fucking idiot than previously shown.

    Have fun sucking fucks you barstool sports/maddox wannabee coward.

    • shanehall42
      September 17, 2014 at 11:18 am

      It’s worth mentioning that I’m fully aware that my FB is public, that’s intentional. You’re the coward.

      • Finnish goalie
        September 17, 2014 at 12:27 pm

        Wait, two name right out of the gate?

        • shanehall42
          September 17, 2014 at 12:30 pm

          I have no idea what the words you just typed are supposed to mean.

          • Finnish goalie
            September 17, 2014 at 12:47 pm


            Shane Hall and shanehall42. Two names right out of the gate. We got a fake Shane and a real Shane or did you decide on a new name within one minute?

          • shanehall42
            September 17, 2014 at 12:53 pm

            Haha, you no internet good. I posted twice, both times using my real name – on one, I had logged into my wordpress account so it used my username (shanehall42) and on the other I hadn’t yet and instead VOLUNTARILY TYPED MY REAL NAME (you know, that thing that non-cowards do), hence the different usernames.

            If you have any more questions, do let me know.

          • Finnish goalie
            September 17, 2014 at 4:31 pm

            With a few resident trolls now here (I first came across this blog last week during the bus incident), having two near identical screen names had me curious if one log in was truly you and the other an impersonator.

          • shanehall42
            September 17, 2014 at 4:38 pm

            I can’t reply directly but gotcha. Sorry for being terse. I just found out about the page the other day, discovered it was trash, said as much and found my way into his heart enough for him to spread the word about my rap legend status so I figured I’d swing by and say hello to my new fan (him, not you, you probably hate me because I treated you like a jerk. My bad.)

            There are so many better blogs out there! Take a look around you’ll find one. 🙂

  • Joey G
    September 17, 2014 at 9:46 am

    I have to respect that communist guy… he’s like the guy clinging to the Titanic and assuring everyone else that it is unsinkable as it is going under.

  • Mr X
    September 17, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Hey it’s your boy Mr X aka Old Timey Paperboy aka ‘Chris-spags’ aka ‘David Portnoy’

    I figured its time to give you my own ‘hot take’. Complete honesty here:

    I’m not a barstool employee. I’m a reader who, upon seeing your comment spam there, decided to do the same to you. After a few days of that, I was proud when you posted your ‘Barstool Sports knows a I’m a threat’ post

    Now Barstool probably does know about you, but I think we can be honest when I say they don’t think you’re a threat. Aside from ‘Margee’ (who seems to have been here before me) I am the *only* person who has spammed your board. And that’s just because I had time to kill.

    Barstool or any of its writers have never publicly written about you, where as you can’t stop talking about them. You cling to their ‘story stealing’ yet that’s just the way news breaks. You didn’t discover it yourself either, you just were and posted it sooner.

    The fake pages you were about here, that’s not me. Honest. That’s *way* too much work for me to do. I just trolled you because it took minutes here and there. But as I posted a few days ago, as Paperboy, I think I’m done now.

    Your Worcester blogs get a lot of traction, I don’t live there but I assume you may be linking it on Facebook so residents come out of the woodwork to comment.

    And that brings me to some of your writing schticks. Listen, honestly you’re a good writer. I get that putting a Facebook profile on public lets anyone see it, but come on man. You’re better than that.

    You and I both know that Facebook comment are basically Mos Eisley, you won’t find a greater hive of ‘scum and villainy’. By that I mean that there aren’t a lot of intelligent views being thrown about. Intelligent people don’t waste their time arguing on Facebook. So if you go into their profiles, yes you’ll find embarrassing music likes and cringe worth photos.

    But don’t use that as a crutch. Making fun of dumb people isn’t ‘revolutionary’. Making meme photos with the generator on imgur isn’t ‘revolutionary’

    You’re a good writer! You get a lot of views! It’s hypocritical for you to take shots at those above you (barstool) and below you (random Facebook commenters). Be better, man.

    You’re doing something writer, that’s for sure. But be better without making fun of ‘innocent’ people. It’s not worth digging into people’s profiles just because they make one comment. Be better without padding your stories with meme photos.

    I don’t want to burst your bubble, but I never read an entire article I commented on. Still, I’ve seen enough to know you don’t need to do all that other kind of stuff.

    I wrote a lot here, but that’s because in the end I’m not really some emotionless troll. I did that, got a rise out of you, and now I’m moving on. I’m being a better person now, and I hope you do too.

    With best regards and farewell, Mr X

    • Margee Pesikov
      September 17, 2014 at 10:24 am

      With this kind of honesty, I’ll venture out of Main South to meet you. What’s your number, I’m already a bit wet.

    • Steven Lawrence
      September 17, 2014 at 12:31 pm

      I legit thought you were David Portnoy…mother fucker. I even called my mom.

    • shanehall42
      September 17, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Wait, you actually consider this hack a “good writer”?

      You’re right about one thing though, he’s alllllllllll up Barstool’s ass – which isn’t a problem for me and mine, but he might get a little embarrassed when he gags.

  • Finnish goalie
    September 17, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Communists of all people accusing others of being sheep. That’s rich.

  • Wabbitt
    September 17, 2014 at 1:47 am

    Shows what that guy knows – I’ve never been to the Blarney! I drink alone, in the privacy of my own home.

    Which may explain my ten year dry spell, where not even a hand jibber was to be found. ..

  • Steve Buscemi
    September 17, 2014 at 12:45 am

    I think you need a primer on copyright law. This sentence, used directly from Facebook, is in response to a frequently asked question about copyright ownership: “Yes, you retain the copyright to your content. When you upload your content, you grant us a license to use and display that content.”

    • September 17, 2014 at 6:33 am

      And when you put it on facebook and make that public you forfeit your right to privacy…

      • Hesaidshesaid
        September 17, 2014 at 7:53 am

        For a site with alot of ppl running around calling other ppl morons. Noone seems to have a clear grasp of content ownership…..

        Posting publicly on Facebook means your giving permission to use your content between other Facebook user’s. Taking a Facebook post and using it on another site be it private or public without express permission isn’t what the term publicly implies.

        For instance the dudes pic under “Yup. This is what the face of the anti-Turtleboy crowd looks like:”
        link is

        Could be wrong here it would seem to indicate the picture file is on the server hosting turtleboyport’s blog….

        Assuming he got it from facebook it probably would’ve been smarter to use the link to the file hosted on the Facebook server.

        • Margee Pesikov
          September 17, 2014 at 10:25 am

          I’d like to grasp that.

      • shanehall42
        September 17, 2014 at 12:28 pm

        Basically the other user “Hesaidshesaid” is spot-on re: copyright law. I sorta need to know those things since it’s in my wheelhouse.

        That said, I highly doubt I’d take legal action over something like this unless I come into a shit ton of money and/or get remarkably bored. It’s flattering to see a no talent hack of a clone writer put his shit directly up against mine in a blog actually, I’ve got a heart on right now. <3 Thanks TBS for doing something worthwhile.

      • shanehall42
        September 17, 2014 at 12:49 pm

        Not exactly true but irrelevant. It may not be illegal, but it’s definitely the sign of a no-talent hack.

        • Margee Pesikov
          September 17, 2014 at 5:34 pm

          I’d like to lick you.

          • shanehall42
            September 17, 2014 at 9:00 pm

            No way, I’m too salty.

          • Margee Pesikov
            September 22, 2014 at 12:56 pm

            Salty is my middle name.

        • HeSaid
          September 17, 2014 at 8:35 pm

          “Not exactly true but irrelevant. It may not be illegal”
          Probably depends on actions taken. I’m no lawyer and I’m not advising anyone. Just saying Intellectual property could have some sort of claim and copyrights filed etc. Defamation if it caused a negative affect on reputation. There are wiki pages about it. Ain’t the Internet so informative!
          Point being even with anonymity TBS isn’t above the public eye. Records from the host that registered the domain can be ordered. Cease and desist letters could be sent.
          (Not really worth people’s time.) My guess is depending how far a person/entity got pushed would probably determine how far the person wanted to pursue it.
          What I’m getting at is TBS should ease up sometime. Shouldn’t need to bash people, countries, cities etc. to make a “hot take.”
          Then again what do I know. I’m probably just a “moron” from a city that supposedly only has “ghetto” asterisk demonstrations.

          • shanehall42
            September 17, 2014 at 8:58 pm

            Agreed on all counts. I’m pretty sure that someone with the inclination, wherewithal and resources to do it would be able to get him to take the stuff down. I’m not that kind of cat, more of a “the only cure for bad speech is more speech” sort of dude.

            My complaints are the following:

            – using his mouthbreathing attitude and vapid platform to discuss the details of women’s places of work, names and how attractive they are to him

            – being an awful hack of a writer that brags about all the free time he has, then depends on snagging other people’s shit to make it look like he actually knows shit about fuck. It doesn’t offend me on a legal or intellectual property level, but more because he’s being that lazy shithead “liberal” he claims to hate

            So what I’d like to do, actually, is challenge him to a public debate about a subject of his choosing. We can record the whole thing on video, rap battle style. 😛

            But we all know he’s too much of a coward for that. Would have to show his face and we all know that ain’t gonna happen.

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