Hoodrat Heroes

Webster Parking Lot Fight Was Like Every Nat Geo Wild Show I’ve Ever Seen

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What you’re about to see is the most Webster thing these eyes have ever seen. Check out this bad ass Webster Fight. (We’re having technical difficulties embedding the video, so just click on the link jackass.)

Can you believe these savages? I mean, seriously. When are we going to learn people??!!! It’s 2015 and people are STILL holding their phones vertically when they record video. Animals.

This was like a mix of Blair Witch Project, the Jerry Springer Show, and Teen Mom. And I’m sure there was a perfectly good reason for whatever that was that I just watched. I’m sure whatever they couldn’t agree on was an EXTREMELY serious matter that could only be resolved with a half naked parking lot riot refereed by pajama-clad, bat-wielding Webster aunts.

So many Webster all-stars, so little time. First there was the kid who found himself with a dilema. On the one hand he wanted to beef. But on the other hand he didn’t wanna ruin his Sunday bests. After all, you never know when the next big trip to Savers will be. Solution? Disrobe and engage.

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Then there was this guy

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You know you’re doing something right in life when you’re in your late 30’s and you find yourself in a parking lot fight with a gaggle of Webster teens. I watch a lot of Nat Geo. This was like every hyena attack on a lone water buffalo that I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of them.

And I think we can all agree the 6’2″ woman in the green pajamas was the only person in that parking lot that no one was fucking with. At first I didn’t understand what her role was. But it turns out she is the mother of one of the Honor Society students involved in the fight. She was basically there for the same reason any concerned parent would be – to make sure her fledgling would get a misdeanor at most by using whatever force was necessary.

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As long as it wasn’t her cub, she just kind of stood there and watched over both combatants with her bat.

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Like I said, I watch a lot of Nat Geo. Nobody fucks with the Momma bear. Nobody.

Another person I’m kind of confused about the role of was the miniature Momma bear in the pink t-shirt. I think her cubs might’ve been the ones in the white car who wouldn’t come out. Because as soon as the kid in the red shorts tried to broach the vehicle, she appeared out of nowhere with a bat.

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Because in Webster, every woman apparently walks around with a Louisville slugger. Like I said, it’s not quite clear what her relationship is with the elderly gentlemen in the white t shirt, who took the brunt of the punches. This part right here reminded me of a lioness protecting her kill from a pack of scavenging hyenas.

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There was boo-boo

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If she’s not destined for greatness I don’t know who is.

Meanwhile you’ve got random Webster guy on a motorcycle

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Because in Webster there is always a random white guy on a motorcycle watching teenagers fight in a parking lot.

And I don’t know about you but I was rooting for the big guy who defied the odds and lived to be 36 years old in Webster. Just like in Nat Geo, I always root for the water buffalo. They’re like five times the size of a hyena, and always just seem annoyed by them. But when outnumbered it can mean trouble. Water buffalo will fuck a hyena up if they need to though.


But just like the water buffalo often does, this guy failed to use his one major advantage – size. It was like watching the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight all over again when he squared up with this future Rhodes Scholar:

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It’s like, come on big guy!! Go on the offensive for crying out loud. You could eat this kid for third lunch. Instead he did exactly what Pacquiao did in that fight. He tried to outbox this kid. Big mistake when you’re slow and have no reach. I mean, what’s he doing here?

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He’s playing right into the kid’s hands. Then when he finally goes for the punch, the kid goes all Mayweather on him:

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Then he apparently forgets that he weighs 300 pounds and backs himself into the corner and allows blows to be reigned down upon him:

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Meanwhile at about 1:03 everyone starts running because they all think it’s a gun shot. Including the camerawoman. Luckily this brings us to one of the undercard almost-fights. You knew this girl right here wasn’t to be fucked with because she was using her 15 minute break to head on down to the big parking lot fight:

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Finally when we get back to the main event we find out that the hyenas have gotten a hold of the water buffalo and are preparing for the feast:

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The cub in the green shirt was likely on one of his first hunts. Becuase as we said earlier, the life expectancy in Webster is not very long, and he has to learn to hunt if he wants to survive after all his role models inevitably make the big move to Southbridge.

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But just like on Nat Geo, the novice hunters are often scared away easily by more experienced predators, like the pink shirt lioness:

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Finally right at the end the water buffalo survives the hunt when he finally used his only possible defense – size.

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So as you can see that 3:00 of madness obviously fixed all of their problems. Dispute resolved. But as usual, the only thing more entertaining than the fight itself were the comments. Although I have to admit, many times I have absolutely no clue what they’re saying.

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True that yo. Didn’t I tell you guys? The girl who was in her work “close” would’ve “put the breaks on anyone.” I think that’s a good thing.

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Oh, I see. Very well then. As you were.

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Does that name sound familiar? I’m just gonna leave this here:

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This kid literally got shot nine times at the Quality Inn on Lincoln Street less than two months ago. Glad to see he’s still keeping it real. #parenting

And if anyone out there can translate this dialogue that transpired, I’d love to hear your interpretation.

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It would appear as if these two Doogie Howser’s had a previous beef that ended with a disputed outcome. There’s only one way to get to the bottom of this – another Webster parking lot riot!!! Never change Webster. Never change.

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19 Comment(s)
  • Me
    May 21, 2016 at 12:25 am

    Just fyi, the guy on the bike is my best friends dad who lives in one of the houses near there. Just to explain his role. The kid in the red shorts ive seen before cause dumbass almost got hit by my work van since he decided to cross the street in front of me. No crosswalk and im doing 35mph in my van and he just steps out. This is the people of webster.

  • Denny
    May 21, 2015 at 10:24 pm

    Animals, pure and simple.

  • Johnny Jizz
    May 20, 2015 at 4:39 pm

    Wow, the link actually works. Nice job you fucking shitstain!

  • JohnnyHobo
    May 20, 2015 at 11:58 am

    Linking a video with commentary from Kenn Daily is not doing your reputation any justice. Or are you just unaware?

  • Joej
    May 19, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    Seriously, when are these morons going to realize if they just turn their phone horizontal, it doesn’t look like they are cowering behind a half open door like a scared little bitch.

  • Clean Hippie
    May 19, 2015 at 10:52 am

    All that kid AJ did was ask a question, I hardly think he was worth mentioning for this article.

  • techy911
    May 19, 2015 at 9:37 am

    She made everything on her facebook friends only, including the video.

    • Mousy
      May 21, 2015 at 7:52 am

      Likely because the Webster Police are looking to identify and charge anyone and everyone they can. Apparently they don’t read TBS, like the Worcester Police did with the thing in Kelly Square.

  • TurtleBoySpurts
    May 19, 2015 at 9:07 am

    It’s always good for spurts of uncontrolled laughter when TB, who writes and spells with the literary acumen of a 6th-grade dropout, makes fun of others for their spelling and grammar deficiencies. You be one funny turtle, boi.

  • Spankster
    May 19, 2015 at 8:44 am

    Maybe this was just some type of baseball “rhubarb ” that’s why they had bats

  • Webdah... Keeping it Klassy
    May 19, 2015 at 7:23 am

    Seriously.. I live in Webster… Why were NONE of these delinquents in school! Oh wait, Webster doesn’t allow 23 year old Juniors… I understand now.

    • Wabbitt
      May 19, 2015 at 12:21 pm

      Also, because nobody in Webster goes to school. You don’t need an education to sell pills and collect unemployment.

  • Andrew A
    May 19, 2015 at 7:14 am

    If you visit Clarence Woods Emerson on Facebook the video is their for your viewing pleasure. Please keep hands and feet in the vehicle at all times as these animals do bite!

    • Andrew A
      May 19, 2015 at 7:16 am


  • Johnny Jizz
    May 19, 2015 at 6:59 am

    The link doesn’t work, you stupid piece of shit!

    • May 19, 2015 at 8:46 pm

      Srsly, Fucking TB can’t even run a shit ty Fucking website. Meet me in Webster tb

  • Clive Mc'turtle
    May 19, 2015 at 6:52 am

    Better fight break down than the Fight Doctor himself

  • Kurt
    May 19, 2015 at 6:45 am

    Link is broken. I want to see the fight. Fix this problem ASAP

  • May 19, 2015 at 5:48 am

    This comment thread is destined for greatness

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