I try to live my life by a few simple rules. First and foremost is to never drink the water in Tijuana. A close second is that if something sounds too good to be true, it usually is.

Earlier today I came across this post on the Wonderfully Majestic West Warwick, RI Facebook group. If you’re unfamiliar with that town, it’s a wonderfully dysfunctional section of that state, situated between Warwick and Coventry. It might actually be a part of Warwick itself, but I honestly don’t know and don’t care enough to check.

I must admit, this is a pretty cool idea and a nice gesture. It softened my shell for second. A few people quickly jumped in and offered to donate:

Well this had all the beginnings of a feel good story. Unfortunately, this is West Warwick we’re talking about. The Admin of this page began asking questions and shortly after, this post appeared.

!Dios mio! Nothing changes the tone of children’s bike giveaway quite like a sex offender registration.

Doesn’t seem to bother Mark all that much, though. Seems like a fine choice of sperm donors to inseminate you 6 months after meeting.

I’m sure he will make a great dad. Just ask his last two baby mamas:

The ideal mate for a tittooed EBTpotomus, for sure.

That is the face of a woman who looks a registered sex offender hoodbooger up and down, and says to herself, “This is the man I want to make me a single mother, sex crimes be damned.”

Naturally, the dindonuffin brigade showed up to offer up their very reasonable explanations as to why their boy Mark is like, totally a good guy, you guys.

Sometimes it’s best to just say nothing at all. This is one of those times if ever there were one.

Yeah, Sam seems great, she picked up a brand new sex offender daddy for her kids. Real classy doll.

I’d like to take a moment to emphasize that these are unconfirmed theories and stories. If it happened when he was a minor, it would make sense why it doesn’t appear on the RI criminal record search, since juvenile records are sealed. One fact remains through it all, though:

“Sexual Violent Predator”

Real good choice to raise your kids with, homegirl. Mother of the year everybody!

As expected, the comments were swift and mixed:

Only God can judge!!! 100 emoji!

You know who else can judge? The State of Rhode Island, and they’ve judged Mark a ton.

He started early in life, with a charge of Minor Transporting Alcohol:

Then came driving with an expired or suspended license:

Larceny and shoplifting:

Domestic Vandalism and Disorderly Conduct:

And violating a no contact order:

…among other charges.

No amount of free bikes in the world will make this douchecanoe less of a scumbag, despite what the “free muh boi” banditos might say. End of story.

Oh good god, Stephanie. Words don’t kill people. No mater what the Michelle Carter jury said, no one can MAKE someone else do something with just words. And who is really going to cry tears of sorrow over a violent sexual predator career criminal with hurt internet feelings? Not I. Free children’s bicycles from these two of Warwick’s finest?

The bottom line here is simple. If someone on a community page is looking for something for free, there is a better than average chance that their running some kind of scam. Maybe they’re sincerely trying to help and do something positive. Maybe Mark’s sexual offender status really is an unfortunate mix up and maybe it has nothing to do with a minor. But I wouldn’t chance the potential ulterior motives here, were it my crotch fruit.

There is only one thing about this story that is absolutely certain:

We got you, Megan.