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So Turtleboy subscribes to this page on Facebook called “Your probably from Worcester, MA if……”. And no, we didn’t spell “your” wrong. That’s the name of the actual page. That name alone is so Worcester it hurts.

Anyway the page is mostly old people who wanna reminisce about their favorite teachers from Commerce High School or Fanning Girls Trade. Basically conversations like this:

Turtleboy has got all these people beat. We’ve been riding the turtle downtown since before Commerce High School even existed. But today we read one of the most epic posts we’ve ever seen. Check out this beaut:

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Where do we start with this one? First of all, who goes to an all you can eat Chinese buffet and expects anything except for stray cat? I’ve been to the Super Chinese Buffet and the former Tin Tin Buffet many a time. Not once did I ever go in there with the expectation that I was eating anything that could pass inspection by the board of health. I ate it because I gave zero fucks about anything and wanted to stuff my face. And it was delicious. I wanted my wedding to be an all you can eat Chinese buffet, but unfortunately that was shot down by Mrs. Turtleboy. If I ever attend a wedding that has one of these it will be the most epic wedding ever.

Secondly, this lady apparently went to this place strictly for the crab legs, which were NOT replenished. Who goes to a buffet for one type of food only? Hey lady, you can order that from pretty much any Chinese restaurant you want for take out. The purpose of an all you can eat Chinese buffet is to stuff your face with General Gao, crab raccoon, and soft serve ice cream. Easy with your fancy crab legs there. This is Webster fucking Square in Worcester. This is where Margee Pesikov ate right before she made her “Ten Things I Hate About Worcester Video.” It obviously caused her to take an earth shattering smash and she decided she had enough with this city.

Then there was this sentence: “WELL NO WATER CHANGE AND COLD CRAB AGAIN ASKED THEY EGNORED ME AND FREIND”

The all caps was certainly a nice touch, but I still have absolutely no idea what this means. Did she mean to say “waiter?” And I can understand misspelling “friend” but how the fuck do you not know how to spell “ignored?”

I can just picture how this scene went down. This lady walks into the Super Chinese Buffet looking for some crab legs at 3 PM on a Tuesday, with her boisterous girlfriend:

She’s loudly complaining about the lack of warm crab legs, while the workers (and by workers I mean the 10 year old girl who is in charge because she’s the only one in the family who speaks English and is trying to do her homework) sit there listening to her demean them. This lady assumes they don’t speak English so she shits all over them. They hear every word she says and then decide to play the “no speakee” card. Can’t say I blame them.

There is something beautifully ironic though about a grown ass woman who writes on a first grade level, openly complaining that someone else hasn’t managed to grasp the language yet. And can you believe they don’t speak Spanish either? I mean, what the fuck? Who doesn’t speak Spanish? Her attitude is basically a direct result of the “press one for English” shit that happens every time you make a phone call. I’m not gonna get into that in this blog though. We’ll save that rant for another time.

I love how strong this lady closes out the statement too. “Emperial (buffet) in route 9 is better.” Because although Michelle Derez obviously struggles with basic english, she does have an entimate knowledge of the all you can eat Chinese buffet scene. And I don’t know what this lady has against the letter “i” but she seems to avoid it like the plague.

She wasn’t done though. The thread for some reason has elicited over 120 comments, most of which seem to be taking her seriously. She had this to say next:

Clearly she is not over the imitation crab legs. And a woman who hasn’t gotten her crab legs is a dangerous, dangerous woman.

Luckily she wasn’t done either:

I’ve read that post several times, and I still have absolutely no fucking clue what she is trying to say. And I’m really trying over here. So was there crab leg or not lady? First you said it wasn’t there and they ignored your inquiries about said crab legs. Then you said they were cold. Now you’re saying they “suck suck in water crack the shell?” I don’t know what that means but it sounds like you ended up eating crab legs and then decided that you’ve had much better at the all you can eat Chinese buffet in Spencer. As for the ending there in which she mentioned stopping for cocktails, as usual, I have no clue whatsoever what the hell it is she is trying to communicate.

I guess she wants the cops to start “in forcing” the laws about crab legs:

Someone needs to sit this poor woman down and explain the difference between the letters “i” and “e.” This is why Sesame Street is critical people. And just for the record, she is NOT into politics:

Nope, strictly crab legs for this woman. Not imitation either. No time for politics. She could go to Sam’s club and boil water herself, but obviously she’s the world’s greatest tipper so she goes to a Chinese buffet.

Then she started getting really deep:

OK…….Finally she left us with this gem:

I’m not even kudding – this lady avoids the letter “i” like the plague. Just SAYING. Hope she finds the island she’s looking for, and more importantly, I hope that island doesn’t have imitation crab legs when she gets there. Well, unless it leads to more killer posts like this.

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