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The Worcester Police Department’s Facebook page is so Worcester it hurts. The stories are always interesting, but sometimes it’s the people chiming in on it that make it so magical. Today I saw this headline:
Bro, do you even rob? This dooshnozzle has to be the laziest bank robber I’ve ever seen. Like, hey idiot, maybe throw like a mask on or something? Or at least one of those fake glasses and mustache combos. And for Christ sake don’t dress better than I do. You look like you’re going down to the Dive bar to listen some local jam band and drink craft beers. Like, what was the long term plan here? Throw on a man purse and a winter hat, get really high, ask the teller for money, and then run away to Mexico? There is a 99.9% chance he’s in zip code 01607, and if he’s not found in the next 24 hours it’ll be a Turtleboy miracle.
So we can all agree that robbing banks is a bad idea right? Oh wait, what’s that? You’re telling me there’s actually people who are siding with the bank robber? Apparently some person named Amy got everyone all riled up when she said that she was happy he did this to the bank and that she hopes he goes on vacation with the money. I know this because half of Worcester is all over her in the comments even though there’s no comment there anymore from Amy about that topic.
Others are taking the “fuck the po-lice” approach:
Yea, you go girl. Keep it real!!! Why help the police when you can help this poor guy get his next fix with your money?
I would argue that waking up in the morning and saying “I think I’ll go with the wife beater today,” having a background picture with an arsenal full of weaponry, while posting about how much you hate the police, MIIIIGHT make you part of the problem. Maybe. Then again keeping it real and letting bank robbers run wild DOES give you more time to work on your next rap album, so I could go either way on that one.
My favorite comment came from this guy:
I know this guy’s being sarcastic, and I thought it was pretty funny, but I think he inadvertently makes a good point. Like, is this what the Kelley Square bums do on their lunch break? Can’t they sell candy bars or have a bikini car wash like the old days? This just seems like lazy panhandling. All they did was just cut out the middle man and went straight to the source of the real money. Go scrounge up some quick cash before the 3-6 panhandling rush. It seems like these banks are always getting robbed around noon.
I mean it would make sense if they did this once in a while. It’s probably a lot more effective than the ill-conceived Kelley Square bum ice bucket challenge. After a long morning of holding a sign and staring awkwardly into cars while people pretend to look at their cell phones in order to avoid making eye contact with you, these poor guys need a quick lunch and quicker fix over at Martinez’ apartment. And everyone knows Martinez’ stuff is the BOMB!!
Anyway, I guess my point is that robbing banks is supposed to be a thrilling event. There’s a certain code bank robbers should follow. I can get behind a bank robber trying to pay for his kid’s college tuition after getting laid off with no severance package. But how am I supposed to root for these dingbats? What ever happened to John Dillinger and Bonnie and Clyde? Like, robbing a bank should be a really dangerous thing where odds are at least 50/50 that you go down in a blaze of glory. Half of us are rooting for you, and half are rooting for the fuzz.
Instead we got this clown, who looks like he’s gonna go write a blog about his organic garden while he’s eating soup at Panera Bread. Dude just waltzes into the bank and robs it without threatening to kill anyone. Lazy bastard. I’m honestly offended that these guys don’t have to earn it like they did in the good ol’ days. Everything’s a handout. Share this blog and I guarantee they find his guy in less than 24 hours. Give this guy some Turtleboy justice.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.
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