Join Turtleboy on his magical adventure through Worcester Wal-Mart at 1:00 AM on Black Friday.
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Every year Black Friday brings about America’s biggest winners:
Because of ratchets like this the Turtleboy family has made a conscious effort to never be one of these people. But that doesn’t mean we can’t observe them in their natural habitat. And no place was guaranteed to have more ratchets per square inch that Wal-Mart. First Mrs. Turtleboy and I hit up the Leominster Wal-Mart at 1:00 AM. There was a long line outside of pajama-clad Fitchburgers.
As you can see, it was cold and raining out. And we found out that the store was not opening until 5:00 AM. Normal people would leave when they found out this information. But Walmartians are not normal people. The people we spoke with informed us that they weren’t going anywhere because they would be first in line to get the Hatchimals. Ya got that? In order to pay an outrageous price for a stupid viral gift for their whiny kids, people were willing to stand out in the freezing rain for several hours ripping cartons of Marlboro Lights. Murica.
So we went to the place we should’ve gone to in the first place. The most ghetto-fied Wal-Mart of all time – the Worcester Wal-Mart. There wasn’t much English being spoken, but there were plenty of iPhones and sassy attitudes. Let’s begin….
First of all, if you can’t find a babysitter for your kids, then you’re gonna love the Worcester Wal-Mart. Because you’ve never seen so many small children in your life. They were EVERYWHERE. They were at the Red Box
Sitting shotgun while their All-Star parents loaded up the shopping cart with Christmas joy
Being dragged through crowded aisles
Pushing the shopping carts
And even some free range children walking aimlessly while their GED equivalency parents searched for yet another TV that they will jam into their 3rd floor apartment in Vernon Hill.
Just a reminder. This was approximately 2:00 AM, and these are children. Worcester parenting 101.
Because of the clientele that Black Friday attracts, getting out of Wal-Mart is sometimes harder than crossing the Rio Grande River
Security is no joke. There’s literally an employee standing with their arms crossed at every single aisle.
Other parts of the store are blocked off like Brandenburg Gate. No way you’re getting by Wal-Mart’s version of Checkpoint Charlie.
It’s easy to spot who’s working there because they all look like they’re going to work to make sure planes land in one piece at Logan.
But of course their jobs are a lot more dangerous than that. They are the last line of defense in case two of Grafton Hill’s finest start fighting to death over the last copy of Frozen.
It’s bumper to bumper traffic, so you can pass the time by loudly shouting to your common-law husband, who just so happens to be on the complete other side of the store, about all the sales he missed on sweatpants.
They were all sold out of the Hatchimals by the time we got there. Because……priorities. Apparently the consolation gift was a gigantic life-size Teddy Bear, which 99% of the Walmartians had on their person while working their way through the mob of MENSA candidates.
Because you can never have enough life-size Teddy Bears in your living room.
Of course the real clusterfuck is the books section. Because these people can never get enough Tolstoy in their living rooms.
LOL. Just kidding. Everyone’s over at the electronics and entertainment section:
Because you can never have enough big screen TV’s in your Perry Ave playhouse. What if you’re standing in that one corner of the kitchen where you can’t see the TV in the family room? How long are you supposed to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians using 2014 LG technology? Priorities people. Priorities.
Everywhere you went you saw shopping carts filled with new TV’s.
And just to buy a TV you had to wait in line with the rest of the mob for the right to buy another TV.
The Black Friday-ware is off the hook too. Everyone puts on their finest post-Turkey day outfits too. You’ve got your standard hunting gear for the out of towners.
Your favorite freshly washed hoodies that you’ve proudly worn every day since 96.
And of course the pajama pants. Because it wouldn’t be a trip to the Worcester Wal-Mart without the pajama pants parade.
Anyway, we refuse to buy into the bullshit. I’ll start my shopping just like every blue-blooded American male – on December 23. But when we posted this picture on our Facebook earlier in the day:
Most people thought the same thing we did – why the hell are these kids being forced to go shopping with their hoodrat parents at 2:00 in the morning? Others saw nothing wrong with it:
Here’s an idea – how bout we stop making excuses for shitty parenting? Maybe this, maybe that, blah, blah, blah. Newsflash – it is never OK to do this to your kids. Ever. There is no justifiable excuse for it. If you can’t find a babysitter, then you don’t go out shopping on Black Friday at 2:00 AM. Pretty simple.
And what’s the downside if you’re not “blessed as everyeone else” to have a babysitter? You have to wait until your kids wake up in the morning before you make them wade through a mob of Christmas joy? God forbid. You should be able to buy all that shit eight hours earlier. How can anyone possibly survive without being able to go shopping at 2:00 AM? Everyone knows that if you don’t participate in this spectacle then Santa’s not coming this year.
Yea, because those are the only two choices they had. Strong point Courtney. Strong.
Anyway, safe to say we will never, ever do this again, but nonetheless it was a magical journey we will never forget.
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