Bone Ride

Worcester Wal-Mart On Black Friday At 1:30 AM – A Magical Journey Of Pajama Pants, Small Children, Big Screen TV’s, And Debauchery

Join Turtleboy on his magical adventure through Worcester Wal-Mart at 1:00 AM on Black Friday.

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Every year Black Friday brings about America’s biggest winners:

Because of ratchets like this the Turtleboy family has made a conscious effort to never be one of these people. But that doesn’t mean we can’t observe them in their natural habitat. And no place was guaranteed to have more ratchets per square inch that Wal-Mart. First Mrs. Turtleboy and I hit up the Leominster Wal-Mart at 1:00 AM. There was a long line outside of pajama-clad Fitchburgers.

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As you can see, it was cold and raining out. And we found out that the store was not opening until 5:00 AM. Normal people would leave when they found out this information. But Walmartians are not normal people. The people we spoke with informed us that they weren’t going anywhere because they would be first in line to get the Hatchimals. Ya got that? In order to pay an outrageous price for a stupid viral gift for their whiny kids, people were willing to stand out in the freezing rain for several hours ripping cartons of Marlboro Lights. Murica.

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So we went to the place we should’ve gone to in the first place. The most ghetto-fied Wal-Mart of all time – the Worcester Wal-Mart. There wasn’t much English being spoken, but there were plenty of iPhones and sassy attitudes. Let’s begin….

First of all, if you can’t find a babysitter for your kids, then you’re gonna love the Worcester Wal-Mart. Because you’ve never seen so many small children in your life. They were EVERYWHERE. They were at the Red Box

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Sitting shotgun while their All-Star parents loaded up the shopping cart with Christmas joy

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Checking prices

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Being dragged through crowded aisles

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Sleeping

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Pushing the shopping carts

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And even some free range children walking aimlessly while their GED equivalency parents searched for yet another TV that they will jam into their 3rd floor apartment in Vernon Hill.

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Just a reminder. This was approximately 2:00 AM, and these are children. Worcester parenting 101.

Because of the clientele that Black Friday attracts, getting out of Wal-Mart is sometimes harder than crossing the Rio Grande River

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Security is no joke. There’s literally an employee standing with their arms crossed at every single aisle.

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Other parts of the store are blocked off like Brandenburg Gate. No way you’re getting by Wal-Mart’s version of Checkpoint Charlie.

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It’s easy to spot who’s working there because they all look like they’re going to work to make sure planes land in one piece at Logan.

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But of course their jobs are a lot more dangerous than that. They are the last line of defense in case two of Grafton Hill’s finest start fighting to death over the last copy of Frozen.

It’s bumper to bumper traffic, so you can pass the time by loudly shouting to your common-law husband, who just so happens to be on the complete other side of the store, about all the sales he missed on sweatpants.

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They were all sold out of the Hatchimals by the time we got there. Because……priorities. Apparently the consolation gift was a gigantic life-size Teddy Bear, which 99% of the Walmartians had on their person while working their way through the mob of MENSA candidates.

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Because you can never have enough life-size Teddy Bears in your living room.

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Of course the real clusterfuck is the books section. Because these people can never get enough Tolstoy in their living rooms.

LOL. Just kidding. Everyone’s over at the electronics and entertainment section:

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Because you can never have enough big screen TV’s in your Perry Ave playhouse. What if you’re standing in that one corner of the kitchen where you can’t see the TV in the family room? How long are you supposed to watch 

Keeping up with the Kardashians

using 2014 LG technology? Priorities people. Priorities.

Everywhere you went you saw shopping carts filled with new TV’s.

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And just to buy a TV you had to wait in line with the rest of the mob for the right to buy another TV.

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The Black Friday-ware is off the hook too. Everyone puts on their finest post-Turkey day outfits too. You’ve got your standard hunting gear for the out of towners.

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Your favorite freshly washed hoodies that you’ve proudly worn every day since 96.

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And of course the pajama pants. Because it wouldn’t be a trip to the Worcester Wal-Mart without the pajama pants parade.

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Anyway, we refuse to buy into the bullshit. I’ll start my shopping just like every blue-blooded American male – on December 23. But when we posted this picture on our Facebook earlier in the day:

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Most people thought the same thing we did – why the hell are these kids being forced to go shopping with their hoodrat parents at 2:00 in the morning? Others saw nothing wrong with it:

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Here’s an idea – how bout we stop making excuses for shitty parenting? Maybe this, maybe that, blah, blah, blah. Newsflash – it is never OK to do this to your kids. Ever. There is no justifiable excuse for it. If you can’t find a babysitter, then you don’t go out shopping on Black Friday at 2:00 AM. Pretty simple.

And what’s the downside if you’re not “blessed as everyeone else” to have a babysitter? You have to wait until your kids wake up in the morning before you make them wade through a mob of Christmas joy? God forbid. You should be able to buy all that shit eight hours earlier. How can anyone possibly survive without being able to go shopping at 2:00 AM? Everyone knows that if you don’t participate in this spectacle then Santa’s not coming this year.

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Yea, because those are the only two choices they had. Strong point Courtney. Strong.

Anyway, safe to say we will never, ever do this again, but nonetheless it was a magical journey we will never forget.

 

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

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87 Comment(s)
  • Michael Couillard
    November 23, 2018 at 9:25 am

    This is the most non story in the history of non stories ever. So you basically walked around Walmart photographing people not dressed like they were going to prom, using a Motorola Razr circa 1998, and made sure that either whipped cream was smeared all over the camera lense or you had Shaky Mcgee take the pics for you while jotting down notes of bargain hunters who didn’t leave their kids home alone.

    The first pic was the best. A kid in a shopping cart while mom gets a Redbox movie. Oh the fucking HORROR!

  • November 24, 2017 at 6:51 pm

    The layout of this website is fucking horrendous.

  • November 27, 2016 at 11:08 pm

    Candida is a fungus that lives throughout the body; it is kept beneath management by different
    bacteria and microorganisms that additionally inhabits the body.

  • Publius
    November 27, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    Ratchets wearing pajamas and a hoodie with an iphone , so Walmart, so Worcester.

  • Professor M
    November 26, 2016 at 1:23 pm

    You just know Sheisty Lawyer pig dragged her kid there to represent! Damn I feel bad for that poor kid.

    • FiestyLawyerLady
      November 26, 2016 at 10:19 pm

      No. I was too busy throwing her an amazing birthday bash today!! I got NO SLEEP for two days just to prepare for it… poor child… Rented an indoor bouncy house and everything. She’s sooooooo neglected…. I mean, you know with the 50+ people who showed up to celebrate her amazing life! SOOOOOOO NEGLECTED!

      *rolls eyes*

      • Turd Burglestein
        November 27, 2016 at 6:25 am

        That’s awesome Feisty…you know when I was just a little nugget myself all those years ago and we didn’t have much money, my parents had to improvise on shit like that. I remember one year I wanted a hot tub party and they had to rig up momma Burglestein’s mixmaster to the toilet bowl and turn it on high. It was an awesome whirlpool effect, but the water was still a little cold.

        • FiestyLawyerLady
          November 27, 2016 at 6:21 pm

          Wow, I’m so tired it took me a few minutes to realize you were talking about fecal matter lmao! I was thinking, what child wants a hot tub party? lol…. I need sleep….

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 7:50 pm

            Good one Fiesty, here’s a song for you…

          • FiestyLawyerLady
            November 27, 2016 at 8:10 pm

            Hahahahahahaha!!! I just can’t fucking handle this… Whoever it is behind this account you get an A+ in song choice!

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 8:19 pm

            Many of the same 12″s I used to spin in Boston and Worcester clubs back in the day. Human League’s real big dance floor crowder was “Fascination.”

          • Turd Burglestein
            November 27, 2016 at 9:58 pm

            The only 12″ BobnMic has ever spun on at a club was the bouncer’s dick.

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 10:09 pm

            When are you gonna give it up Turd. You offered at first. I accepted. Then you crawled back into asshole-isim.

            If not I can play this game all fucking day and night long. Or we can can be friends and joke the fuck around. I’m throwing the ball in your court. Up to you dude…

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 10:17 pm

            or just plain ism…

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:07 pm

            This tune I am talking about:

            https://youtu.be/6jULqnwsekk

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:15 pm

            Of course this jam crushed dance floors…

            https://youtu.be/w9gOQgfPW4Y

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:17 pm

            along with this one:

            https://youtu.be/_BRv9wGf5pk

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:20 pm
          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:23 pm

            and this fucking bad boy:

            https://youtu.be/KZaz7OqyTHQ

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:26 pm

            or my baby girl Shannon:

            https://youtu.be/_-0sUuGufmw

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:29 pm

            Or my girl Taylor:

            https://youtu.be/Ud6sU3AclT4

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:32 pm

            Or my local boy Bobby. Such a cool name Bobby is:

            https://youtu.be/P0FKzPfsxA4

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:40 pm

            and of course today’s crazed wild house:

            https://youtu.be/4XpDdIISlYo

          • BobnMic
            November 27, 2016 at 11:45 pm

            and then you wrap it with something like this:

            https://youtu.be/ter0p_iyIxk

          • BobnMic
            November 28, 2016 at 12:52 am

            Holy shit can’t forget this dance floor crashing jem. This is when managers yelled at me because nobody was at the bars. Oh well…

          • BobnMic
            November 28, 2016 at 12:56 am
          • BobnMic
            November 28, 2016 at 1:08 am

            Rob Base and Pump up the volume used to drive them nuts ^^^. No bar sales. All dance floor. I had a great light man and women and the clubs did spend money on sound and lights. Especially in Boston. Fucking subwoofers shook the fucking buildings at Commercial Street in Worcester and on Landsdowne Street, and Clarendon Street in Boston. The ownership and management in Worcester was from Boston so hence the big time night club vibe soup to nuts…

        • BobnMic
          November 27, 2016 at 8:41 pm

          Ya ok so it looks like you crawled out of the gutter there Turd. Yup buying that one. Seems like you are still in it knee deep in “shit” as it is only the way of the world that you know. Must be sad to be you. A person whose experience in life is consumed with feces and physically handling of said waste. Speaking of waste – what the very thing that you are you fucking idiot scum fuckstain…

          • Turd Burglestein
            November 27, 2016 at 10:01 pm

            OK BobnMic, I’m going to cut you some slack since you have such a terrible troll game. You’re allowed to use Napoleon’s fucknuts insult because everything else you’ve come up with all by your lonesome ABSOLUTELY SUCKS!!!

  • Rob
    November 26, 2016 at 9:29 am

    I never do black Friday but this is a desperate reach out for more publicity. This happens all over the country I’m sure more decent parents give their kids a nap to make sure they get their sleep. He could bash anyones page including his own…gets old

    • Aggie
      November 26, 2016 at 10:08 am

      Not old enough to not comment on it I guess

  • tngsucks
    November 26, 2016 at 9:22 am

    Dear turtleboy, Lately you’ve been using the word ratchet more than the Snap On catalog.

  • Priorities, People
    November 26, 2016 at 8:54 am

    Big TV Lives Matter

  • Independent Thinker
    November 26, 2016 at 7:56 am

    I guess none of these people had a nice Thanksgiving dinner. I spent Thursday preparing a huge meal, including vegetables from my garden, and I invited my friends and neighbors over. We had a great time and spent the evening in front of the fireplace having drinks. On Friday, I split wood, did a few things in the yard, and was invited to spend the evening with some of my neighbors. No shopping for any of us. I have better things to do.

    If people would refuse to shop on Thanksgiving day, the retailers would close. At least some stores had the decency to close for Thanksgiving, but it still ruined the holiday for their employees when they had to be at work before midnight.

    • Jack Mehoff
      November 26, 2016 at 10:17 am

      Pretty much did the same thing, without the neighbor (left wing anti-gun loon…)

      We, the #Deplorables need start a petition to rename the day after Thanksgiving as “Ratchet Friday” and implore anyone with self esteem or a sense of well being to do something else other than assimilate with the entitled low lifes.

  • Marilyn
    November 26, 2016 at 6:22 am

    ppl. Who bring their kids to walmart at 2 am probably let those children stay up late like that anyway. Don’t fool yourself these little gems are not all tucked in asleep on any other day of the year either.

    • BobnMic
      November 26, 2016 at 1:55 pm

      Hi Marilyn hows it goin? Are you anything like Marilyn Monroe?LOL

      • BobnMic
        November 26, 2016 at 10:33 pm

        What is it fucknuts that you seek to chase out all of the women commenters? And if so then why? I’d rather read their comments than a fucking pussy like you no doubt…

        • Turd Burglestein
          November 27, 2016 at 6:19 am

          What is it fucknuts that you steal other people’s insults and use them without proper attribution? Napoleon Black coined the word fucknuts, so unless you want to give him a HT (hat tip) every time you use it, then fuck the fuck off and come up with your own material you stoopid noob.

      • BobnMic
        November 27, 2016 at 8:42 pm

        So ok there Marie Guilmette. You said no “ill will” there huh? Then what the fuck is up with all of this bullshit you keep throwing down in here. And just because Fiesty the Fake Queen Latino Wreaking Rican hates my guts you just have to follow? Why? Lesbian worship? Sounds like it to me. What fucking slobs you two are to enter onto this blog my God.

        That is ONE lesbo porno flick I do not care to watch. The pill popping fake lawyer being molested by the buck toothed heroin addict. No fucking thanks… Hahahahahaha

  • WHATEVUH
    November 26, 2016 at 4:11 am

    Knock off that Black-Friday shit you racist pig, it’s African-American Friday I read it somewhere, oh yah, Hampshire College
    I actually went into that Walmart once, and only once, it was like being in Haiti

    • bigdaddy
      November 26, 2016 at 8:56 am

      what have you got against Haiti ?

      • Todd
        November 26, 2016 at 10:06 am

        Black people who think they are Spanish

  • Jozzbot
    November 26, 2016 at 2:29 am

    I always wondered why they called it Black Friday now I know …but it should be ignorant Black Friday ….fuckin savages in this town

    • GFY
      November 26, 2016 at 10:04 am

      More like fucking Indian Friday. I popped in to Solomon Pond yesterday, looked like I was an extra in Slumdog Millionaire 2

      • WHATEVUH
        November 26, 2016 at 11:04 am

        Could smell the cumin all the way from the parking lot LOL

      • BobnMic
        November 26, 2016 at 6:39 pm

        Great comment GFY I almost spit all over my keyboard I was laughing so hard LOL Please keep it up!

  • Jack Mehoff
    November 26, 2016 at 12:59 am

    Went to that shit hole once, during the day, to buy a car seat for my grand son. It was the only place my bubble headed daughter in law said had the exact model she wanted. I had two knives and three guns concealed (legally). I felt like I had been dropped in the middle of a third world country. Got what I needed, got out of there.

    If English is your first language, brush your teeth, understand the concept of personal hygiene or actually earn a living – stay away from that war zone.

    Going there at 2 a.m.? Had you been shot, robbed or raped we would all chalk it up to a stupid tax.

    • Linda-Linda-Linda
      November 26, 2016 at 7:52 am

      My friends and I have called that the “Third World WalMart” since it opened. Went there once and it was scary.

      I cannot think of a single rettail item that would make me pull into that parking lot!

      • Chris
        November 26, 2016 at 12:39 pm

        Worcester is a third-world city.

        • Tim
          November 26, 2016 at 6:24 pm

          Still better than Springfield and Woonsocket… or Baltimore.

          • Linda-Linda-Linda
            November 27, 2016 at 6:13 am

            But Springfield has the Red Rose, best old school Italian food anywhere, AND Theodores Booze, Blues and BBQ! THE perfe ct dinner and drink stops that were ever invented! I try to ignore the rest.

      • BobnMic
        November 26, 2016 at 6:35 pm

        Great post Linda. By the way Linda is my favorite girl name, how about you and I become chat buddies?

    • Emily
      November 26, 2016 at 9:29 am

      Jack I couldn’t agree with you more! I live 5 minutes from the Worcester Walmart and will drive to another instead of going there. Way too many entitled people who can’t watch THEIR own children. Scary place

      • BobnMic
        November 27, 2016 at 6:56 pm

        Hey Emms what’s hoppin’…………besides my heart for you. Let me take you to my ‘Private chat room’ VIP’s only (wink). Where we can be ‘private’.

    • Leave
      November 26, 2016 at 1:00 pm

      Don’t go there. Why not stay in your small central Mass. insulated town ?

  • pistasheo
    November 26, 2016 at 12:10 am

    Tips for next Black Friday “deals”.
    1. Many name brand electronics produce “derivatives” that are sold. Basically knock offs of their own product using cheap material. Yeah so that amazing deal on that Sony TV that’s too good to be true….well it is. Prepare to buy another one next Black Friday after that one breaks. (Best time to shop for a tv is a week before the Superbowl.)
    2.Many of these sale prices are based on the actual Manufacturer Suggested Retail Price (something they actually undercut any other time) to give the illusion of an amazing deal.
    3.Dec. 18th is usually the time when actual deals will appear.
    4. Jewelry…forget it…best time is the week after Valentine’s Day.

    • BobnMic
      November 26, 2016 at 1:49 am

      Sad fact but unfortunately true as shit.

      • BobnPaul's Chat Shack
        November 26, 2016 at 7:38 am

        Do you have excrement on the brain?

        P.S. Well said, my fellow vet.

        • jp
          November 26, 2016 at 10:00 am

          Simple pee! Or whatever we marines say, Bob knows, he was there

        • Turd Burglestein
          November 26, 2016 at 4:05 pm

          He’s got Turd on the brain. I own his brain.

          • BobnMic
            November 26, 2016 at 11:48 pm

            Ya ok there fucknut…

          • Turd Burglestein
            November 27, 2016 at 6:12 am

            Pretty sad you stealing insults from Napoleon Black. What’s wrong fucko…you can’t come up with your own material?

  • TBO
    November 25, 2016 at 11:49 pm

    Every. Single. One. Of those people.

    Their faces say:

    “Imma spend 3 Benjis on that there Hatchimal. Fuck Walmart. FUCK WALMART. Imma buy it from my bud down the other end of this here complex. Check comes in on da 1st and IDGAF if my electric get paid. My momma got a breathin machine and she holds this shit down. We owe like $3,00000 dollars and I say FUCK THAT SHIT to anyone who like I gotta pay. Can’t shut us off. We got a reason. My buddy voted for Hillary, I’m all like YEAH!

    You always have to talk like it’s Alabama-meets-Massachusetts.

    • White Turtle Rider
      November 27, 2016 at 12:19 pm

      Niggers. That’s why they call it BLACK Friday. Can’t wait until next year after Trump has exterminated nearly 10 million blacks.

  • Shoplifters paradise
    November 25, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    Glad to see the Worcester ‘ Wally World ” on the go again. Was becoming way too complacent in the last year, so happy. Also, you mentioned the ‘ GED Test ” , no way most could pass it, guaranteed.

  • Napoleon Black
    November 25, 2016 at 10:58 pm

    Right on! Meanwhile my boy Obama just bought a sweet million dollar mansion with 24 hour security for life in Cali. Just wait in a year when Obama has to find out that he’s not the father of those kids. He probably knows like the rest of us just looking at them.

    • ninja turtleboy
      November 26, 2016 at 5:04 am

      you alright?

  • Alexander Knight
    November 25, 2016 at 10:55 pm

    Who the fuck actually goes out to shop black Friday anyways? Isn’t almost all of this shit available online for the same price?

  • BobnMic
    November 25, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    So you walk out of the store saving what, maybe 200 bucks on TVs and other electronic devices that you really don’t need? Is it really worth it? I’d pay 200 bucks for a good night sleep and be away from pajama no shower wearing EBT freaks with their tired and screaming kids at 2 am…

    • Kevin Lynch
      November 26, 2016 at 5:48 am

      I killed a guy and people still hate you more than me

    • Vj
      November 26, 2016 at 9:57 am

      Who are all these morons giving Bob a thumbs up? Even when he says something that’s not as retarded as he usually does, you don’t encourage him! It’s like the people that try to argue with slavery guy, just don’t engage him.

      • BobnMic
        November 26, 2016 at 12:53 pm

        Yup people that agree with other people are morons all right. Hey Vj, member of the Fiesty the Fake Latino Queen Wreaking Rican Crew – But we should adhere to whatever you say correct? Go fuck yourself you idiot…

        • The Whole Fucking World
          November 26, 2016 at 1:22 pm

          SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!

      • BobnMic's Tiny Penis
        November 26, 2016 at 1:28 pm

        Greg…errr I mean Bobnmic claims to own a Verizon store. He is probably upvoting himself on all of the display phones in a pathetic attemp to validate himself in front of everyone here.

        • BobnMic
          November 26, 2016 at 1:43 pm

          Only Fiesty the Fake Latino Queen Wreaking Rican has a fixation with up and down votes. Nobody else gives two shits. Down vote me all you want. I don’t care…

          • BobnPaul's Chat Shack
            November 26, 2016 at 5:14 pm

            Except for all the times he whined about down votes. He might be over it now, but BobnMic cried like a pre-teen girl about down votes all through the summer.

          • BobnMic
            November 26, 2016 at 11:26 pm

            Wrong. Never gave two fucks about stupid votes in here. Never in three years.

          • BobnMic's Shit 4 Brains
            November 27, 2016 at 10:43 am

            Pssssst…I own your brain.

  • MommaH
    November 25, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    I can’t stand going to the Worcester Walmart on a normal day, I can only imagine what it was like on Black Friday…looks like nothing new here except for the fact that people are actually buying expensive items.

    • BobnMic
      November 25, 2016 at 11:37 pm

      And of course a new supply of Walmart pajamas as this seems to be a new fashion when leaving the third floor apartment on Perry Ave. No shower. Hair all over the place. Eye boogers. Ear wax dangling. Still in pajamas with pee stains and skid marks. Teeth yellow no brushage for days if for ever. Kids crying at 2 am. Car with a headlight and a tail light out. No muffler very loud and smokey.

      Then BOOM a new 90″ LED Samsung that will consume more living space than fucking furniture…

      • Chris
        November 26, 2016 at 12:37 pm

        I don’t like to go into Walmart because it’s a welfare palace and seldom shop there. There are other options for cheap stuff. Most of the people who buy groceries there use EBT cards.

      • Turd Burglestein
        November 26, 2016 at 4:40 pm

        Funny…that’s exactly the way I imagine you to be irl. But I sense you’re not an apartment dweller. I see you being a house trailer kind of guy. Maybe just recently upgraded to a doublewide..the house trailer that is, not your wife. She was already a doublewide.

        • Anne
          November 27, 2016 at 5:24 pm

          Good comeback at that racist pig turtleboy

    • Huh ?
      November 26, 2016 at 12:54 pm

      If you don’t like it, why do you go there ?

  • JR248
    November 25, 2016 at 10:42 pm

    I can’t breathe ! Teasers running down my face

    • Cocomom
      November 27, 2016 at 11:01 am

      I wouldn’t allow these people to care for my houseplants..

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