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So a few weeks back we did a blog on the five worst streets in Worcester. It was all the rage because apparently people in Worcester like to know that someone else feels their pain when it comes to bullshit traffic we’ve all dealt with before. Personally, I never use Cambridge, Highland, Grafton, Main, or Park Ave because that sounds about as fun as an 1850 abortion. Mrs. Turtleboy HATES when I do this because it seems like I’m making a million turns and playing dodge-a-hoodrat. But little does she know how much time I’ve saved over the years. So I realized it was time for our next traffic blog – The Top 15 Best Cut Through Streets In Worcester for 2015.

Quick disclaimer. I realize that this blog might be shooting myself in the foot because ironically if this blog gets a lot of traffic then so will the cut through streets. I apologize if it’s widely read and thousands of idiots start driving on your favorite short cut. Chances are they won’t though, because at the end of the day people are lemmings. For 95% of Americans when they see a long line they stand in it. They never think, “hmm I wonder what happens if I go this way?” That’s what separates the wolves from the sheep. Wolves already know about all these streets. Sheep will read this and then forget all about it. So without further adieu, here are the top 15 for 2015:

15. Dewey St. 

Anything that runs parallel to Park Ave is alright by me. Sure you will occasionally have rocks thrown at your car, or see the Kelley Square night shift sign guy taking a nap in an alley, or look at this monstrosity and say, “what the fuck is that thing?”

But the street does it’s job and helps you avoid the worst light in Worcester at the corner of Park Ave and Chandler.

14. Coolidge Rd

My deepest apologies to my friends who live on Coolidge Rd, but your street is awesome. Not only does it help me avoid both the Pleasant and Chandler Street lights on Park Ave, but it’s also deliciously wide and pleasant to look at.

13. Coburn Ave

What’s not to like about this street? You know what light really, really sucks? The one at Lake Ave and Belmont. But what if I’m just trying to get over to Lake Park for a romantic walk with Mrs. Turtleboy before she has to get home for the three hour premiere of The Bachelor? We don’t have time to waste sitting in place at that clusterfuck. So that’s why Coburn is so awesome. They don’t make roads this orgasmically straight in Worcester. So while you’re staring at some idiot who won’t turn right on red at Men’s Warehouse, I’ll finishing up my lovely promenade with Mrs. Turtleboy.

12. Gates Lane/Burger King

Let’s suppose you wanna get from Mill Street to Leicester. How you getting there? 95% of the morons out there would be staring at the light you see pictured above on Park Ave. It is the second of four lights you can skip with my method. There are two way around this. Option A is only for people with cars that aren’t powered by olive oil and covered in Elizabeth Warren bumper stickers. If you have a car that actually has some sack, then Gates Lane is for you:

Sure you will find better streets in Fallujah, but if this street didn’t look like it was just attacked by NATO drones then everyone would use it and it wouldn’t be nearly as fun:

However, if you are from Cambridge and you drive one of those Urkel-mobiles with a Coexist bumper sticker, then you can still forgo a couple lights by using a short cut that anyone who ever graduated from South High is familiar with – Burger King:

That light where Main, Stafford, and Park Ave intersect sucks big ones. So the key is taking the right hand turn into Burger King. Just make sure you say out loud for the record, “Let’s get some Burger King.” Then when you pull in make sure you say, “Nah, I changed my mind, I’m just gonna get Subway” before pulling out. Otherwise it’s illegal.

11. Chelsea St

Everyone knows how much that light at Cambridge and Southbridge Street blows. You’ll be there all day. One of the easiest shortcuts you’ll ever take is Chelsea St. It’s easier if you’re coming from Cambridge St, but even if you’re not all you have to do is bang a quick left off of Southbridge, and then a quick right onto Chelsea,

and then your reward is an even bigger clusterfuck on Cambridge St. Don’t worry, we have a short cut for that later on.

10. Sunderland Rd

If you’ve lived your life on the West Side then you probably have no idea this street even exists. But if you’re an East Sider then you know that driving down Grafton Street is about as fun as reading one of Apple Daddy’s blogs from the Daddy Files. Kill me now. This street is pretty awesome. No one’s ever on it, and it’s got those double yellow lines which means it’s OK to go 40 mph. At the end you pull up onto Massassoit Rd, bang a left onto Heywood, and you’ve just avoided all of Grafton Street in it’s entirety. Unfortunately your reward is Vernon Street, but it’s still better than the alternative.

9. Whipple St

This one is so underrated. Mrs. Turtleboy HATES it, but once again, I’ll do anything to avoid Cambridge St, and that’s exactly what this does. Anyone growing up in Quinsigamond Village knows about Whipple Street. It’s how you get to high school.

It probably adds on a mile or two to your trip with all these Goddamn twists and turns

and I’m pretty sure you go through Auburn at some point, but it will take you to the promise land of College street eventually.

8. Sagamore Rd/Beechmont St/Haviland St

This shortcut is so well known that THE MAN does everything in their power to make you don’t use it. I just wanna say that those no left hand turn from 7-9 AM signs are complete bullshit. Yea, there’s gonna be a lot of traffic from sheisters like me who wanna get where I’m going quickly. Don’t like it? Don’t buy a house on that street then. Problem solved. It’s like moving to East Boston and complaining that the planes are too loud. I consider Haviland and Beechmont borderline major roads. I mean, look at the girth we’re working with here:

Beechmont St. So hot right now.

From there you just bang a quick right onto Salisbury St, and then a quick left onto whatever street this is

before heading down Sagamore

and then – boom – you’re at the Greendale Mall in time to see all the empty stores that used to be there when you were younger.

7. Crystal St

Try to use this short cut during the day. There is no Turtleboy warranty, so if you get attacked by zombie prostitutes doing their slum sociable when you pass dead hooker pond at night, don’t say I didn’t warn you. But this cut through is so scrumptious because, a) no one’s ever on it, and b) you avoid the gigantic orgy known as Webster Square.

6. Barre Rd Extension/Chester St

There isn’t a Jew in Worcester that doesn’t know this shortcut. If you wanna go from pretty much anywhere on the West Side to 190, you’re insane if you’re not taking this way. It might seem like a pain in the ass because there’s so many turns and stop signs, but what’s your other option? Go down to Park Ave to Gold Star Boulevard like an IDIOT? LOL. Let’s just say you’re coming back from another successful trip from the Greendale Mall and wanna get back to Tatnuck. No problem. Head down Shore Drive

up Drummond St

bang a quick left onto 122A, then a quick right onto Chester

once you get to this fun intersection bang a left

then bang a right

then a sharp right

then a sharp left

then a left onto Lynwood

and you’ll be at the JCC in time for Rosh Hashanah.

5. Lovell St

In case you haven’t noticed yet avoiding Park Ave is the most important part of driving in Worcester. No road does a better job of that than Lovell St. My only beef with it is this God-forsaken rotary:

I don’t know who the genius is that all of a sudden started to put these things on streets that were perfectly fine as they were, but there’s a special place in hell for them. Other than that Lovell St is nothing but open road that helps you avoid both Park Ave and June St.

4. Lancaster St

This street is a gift from God. You know what sucks? Driving through 35 red lights from Highland to Main St. Suppose you wanted to get from Salisbury Street to Kelley Square. It would be a complete nightmare if it weren’t for this magical three lane road that takes you from Salisbury St to Chandler.

3. Clover St

I don’t know if it’s possible to live in Webster Square and not use this street every single day of your life. But for whatever reason morons love to stay on the main road because that’s what their iMachines are telling them to do. I don’t need the iMachine, because I have Clover Street. So while all the idiots are driving down Heard Street into Auburn, and waiting at that Goddamn stop sign for an hour to turn left onto Webster Street, I’m cruising down this bad boy:

Suppose you live in Webster Square and you wanna get to 290 east. Guess where you’re iMachine is taking you? LOL. Cambridge street!!! You lose!!! Meanwhile Turtleboy is banging a quick left off of Knox Street, stopping at the Donut Express, and still beating you to the highway.

2. Airport Rd/Goddard Memorial

God do I love this street. Look at all that sweet, beautiful pavement full of dotted lines. The only reason it’s not ranked #1 is because of this Goddamn thing:

There are a lot of stupid lights in Worcester, but this one takes the cake. It’s there for when TJMaxx lets the day shift people out, but why the hell does it run all night? You know how fast I go on this freaking road? The last thing I wanna do is stop and sit at a red light for no reason at all so an empty parking lot can let imaginary people cut me off.

Seriously though, if you’re going from the West Side to the the South Side of the city this is the only way you should ever go. It boggles my mind that more people don’t use it. Sure you might get stuck behind some soccer Mom at the beginning

but once you get to the top of the hill you get the satisfaction of blowing by them and nodding your head in disapproval.

Unfortunately I got my first ticket and totaled my first car on this road due to the fact that it’s the Goddamn Worcester version of the autobahn. It was worth it.

1. Institute Rd

How can it not be Institute Rd? Nothing proves that man is still in the process of evolving from apes more than Highland Street does. It boggles my mind that people choose to sit there dodging WPI hipsters going to get their frozen yogurt, when all they have to do is head up any side street to drive on a parallel road that has absolutely no one on it ever. I mean, just look at this prim looking star gazer:

Gave me a little Institute Road in my pants just looking at it.

I realize I might’ve just fucked myself over by writing this, but if it helps someone out there get where they’re going faster then it was all worth it. Sometimes you’ve just gotta ride the turtle.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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