A Very Boehner Blog: Hot Takes On People Watching At Obama’s State of the Union

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The State of the Union is basically the same exact speech every, single year. Barrack Obama was a good ten minutes late for the speech. Governor Chris Christies is denying having anything to do with shutting down the Key bridge though. This was President Obama’s sixth, so I felt like the 12 year old who has to listen to his parents lie to his younger siblings about Santa. Yea, I was amused by it the first couple of times, but now I just wanna hang out with the wrong crowd and get drunk instead. So this time around I really didn’t even pay that much attention to what he said, since I’ve heard it all before. Instead I focused on a much more entertaining person: John Boehner.

First of all, dominant name. You might not agree with Boehner’s politics, but he’s easily got more congressional swag than anyone on the hill since Henry Clay. You knew he’d be rocking the fresh tan tonight too. It’s Boehner. The day he appears on TV without a crisp tan is the day that Obama adds something to knew to one of his speeches. Seriously though, watching Joe Biden, Barrack Obama, and Boehner all night looked like a brown paint pallet:

Screen Shot 2014-01-28 at 9.24.04 PM BfHr1adCAAEbUKN

Boehner watching can be very entertaining. The dude just oozes straight confidence and machismo. Never once throughout the entire speech does he lose his cool despite the fact that he hates every word that Obama is saying.

Whether he was staring off into space


Banging the gavel like a bartender at last call


Asking himself, “Is this guy f***ing serious?”


Going to town on the snot stock piled in his golden brown nose


Trying not to smell Biden’s nasty farts


Cracking dirty jokes with Biden


Or watching him and Biden try to hold in that Mexican food they ate for dinner….


Boehner leaves no doubt that he is firmly in control at all times. Think he cares that Obama is the President and he’s just a representative form Ohio? Nope. That’s because he knows in the back of his mind that whenever he damn well pleases he can just make the government shut down and everyone will blame Obama. Thus the smug smile:


And all that standing down and sitting crap? Boehner has absolutely no use for that. He sits


Then stands. Then sits down whenever the hell he feels like it.


He’s like a Roman Emperor back there deciding whether or not the gladiator should live or die…


Boehner wasn’t the only subject of my people watching tonight though. Some interesting characters in the crowd. First of all, you couldn’t put a bigger bunch of 500 dolts, nudniks, and dooshnozzles in a single audience, than was assembled last night in Congress. All you need to know about how out to lunch all of these stooges are can be learned by watching this 15 second clip:

Obama: “When our differences shut down our government, then we are not doing right by the American people.”

Congress: (Standing ovation)

That did it for me right there. Too perfect. 500 idiots who LET THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN FOR A MONTH, gave themselves a standing ovation after getting yelled at by the President of the United States for allowing the federal government to shut down. Like, did they forget that happened or something? Honestly these idiots are so delusional that both Republicans and Democrats have convinced themselves that it was 100% the other guys fault and that President Obama is only talking about THEM. Oh, the sweet, sweet irony of it all.

Check out some of these people that represent us. First there’s this guy:


Sweet haircut bro. This guy is pretty much the definition of the establishment. I have no idea who this congressman is, but I would bet our government’s debt that he’s a Republican with a haircut like that. You know who else just had to be Republicans? These guys:


If you’re generally not having fun ever, then you’re probably a Republican. Everyone else was all standing up and down and clapping all night. These guys were just sitting in a corner texting their mistresses wives. And they even had a real live woman with them too. Who said the Republican party isn’t diverse?

Speaking of affairs, what’s going on with these democrats? Apparently the State of the Union is great foreplay on the Capitol Hill.


Also skoped out this Republican babe in the dominant royal blue pants suit…


Recognize her? We only did because we blogged about her back during the shut down. Her name is Representative Renee Ellmers from the great state of North Carolina. She was the only Republican representative who kept cashing her paycheck during the government shut down because she “needed” the money. Hey, it’s not easy doing absolutely nothing and getting paid for it at the same time.

Of course everyone’s favorite Commy from Cambridge had to make a photo bomb appearance too…


Then there was this tall Congressman on the Democratic side who just looked miserable all night. He kept making this face, like the one seen here:


That’s like the face I made in 11th grade when I was trying to learn how to balance equations. Turns out we figured out why he was so miserable…


You would be miserable too if your seat for the State of the Union was in front of Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. As you would imagine, a feminist ultra liberal congressman from Florida with a hyphenated last name loves nothing more than hearing the sound of her own voice.


Then there was Senator Wyden from Oregon, who might’ve quite possibly set the record for taxpayer funded plastic surgeries in a lifetime. If you told me this was really Bruce Jenner I would have no reason to believe you were lying….


The real winner in the crowd tonight was the Congresswoman with the awesomest look ever….


I have no idea who this wonderful woman is, but I need more of her in my life. She just redefined a “Raisin in the Sun,” and she hands down had more fun than anyone in the crowd last night. She was clapping up a storm…


high giving people…


and just in general, pumping up the crowd..


Take notes Republicans. That’s how you dominate the State of the Union right there. When your guy is in office, you rub that shit in. No time for losers in Congress.

One last thing I want to get off my chest is a hot Michelle Obama take. Can’t stand her. You know why I liked Laura Bush? Because I never saw her. I couldn’t even tell you what her voice sounds like. Newsflash Michelle, we elected your husband. You’re just along for the ride. This country treats her like she’s the Queen of England. She got a standing ovation last night because her fat camp program that she runs supposedly has led to less fat kids. Even Boehner stood up and clapped. I get that she’s an intellectual and strong wife and mother. I get that she’s more than just the President’s wife, and that she’s an independent, strong woman. I get all that. But the Michelle Obama lovefest is by far the thing I am going to miss least when Obama leaves office. Thanks Eleanor Roosevelt!!

So what did you think of the SOTU? Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation hot.

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6 Comment(s)
  • matt
    January 30, 2014 at 10:06 am

    I bet Boehner’s friends call him “Cialis” as a nickname.

  • January 29, 2014 at 11:07 am

    C’mon Turtle Boy, I’m disappointed. The congresswoman with the sweet fashion sense in the last few images is Rep. Rosa DeLauro of CT, who’s served for 23 years, specializing in liberal politics and part time Perry Farrell impersonating. http://cheezburger.com/3469018112

  • Joey G
    January 29, 2014 at 10:37 am

    I sympathize with your points on Michelle Obama… but she’s probably the hottest first lady since Dolley Madison.

    • John Clark Sucks
      January 29, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      What about Marilyn Monroe I mean she might as well have been?

    • matt
      January 30, 2014 at 10:09 am

      Oh yea Michelle Obama is a real smokeshow. Remember when the press was calling her hotter than Jackie O?

  • John Clark Sucks
    January 29, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Being a pretty big supporter of the president I expected to hate this blog but I’ve gotta give it an A+. In the words of my girlfriend “who’s that orange guy in the background”

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