Hoodrat Heroes

Aaron Hernandez’ Prison Bitch Kyle “Pure” Kennedy Is Out Of Jail And Spilling The Beans About Their Steamy Relationship In Shirley Max 


Who remembers this hotty?


That would be Kyle “Pure” Kennedy, formerly known as Aaron Hernandez’ prison bitch. The Uxbridge wangsta with close ties to the Stanley Brothers cult

A man who legally sold his soul to another inmate in juvey (who saved the receipt) in exchange for access to a Gameboy.

Screen Shot 2017-04-24 at 11.53.06 PM

And despite the fact that he was attempting to benefit off of his alleged relationship with a famous dead athlete, prior to going to prison her frequently made gay jokes on Facebook.

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Well, Pure was released from jail two weeks ago, and I’m sure Unc would love to have him on the Live show because he’s flapping his Hernandez hummer to some author who’s using him as a primary source reference in his book about the former sportball tight end. According to Pure’s jailhouse interview with WBZ News, Aaron Hernandez killed not one, not two, not three, but four people, including Odin Lloyd, who he felt disrespected him.

“I’ve lied on the stand a hundred times.” – Guy being used as a primary source for a non-fiction book.

And if you can’t trust a man-bunned career criminal covered in facial tattoos and broken dreams, then who can you trust?

Granted, I don’t doubt for a moment that Hernandez used him as a dick cushion. Lots of people have come forward and alleged that Hernandez was gay, and if you put a man in prison for life with a nice piece of white chocolate pie like Pure, there’s gonna be boning. That’s just science. Their first sexual encounter sure sounded romantic.

“He told me just lay down, close your eyes and shut off the lights And that was the first time.”


This line about carrying on their relationship after being released from jail was interesting though.

“We could be together in the street, what would people say?”

In the street? Pure, you live in Uxbridge bruh. The only thing going on in the streets there is people using your town as a cut through from Worcester to Providence. But I can see why they would’ve wanted to be together after Aaron Hernandez was released from his life sentence for no reason, especially after reading the letter Hernandez sent Pure.

I just wanted to tell you this morning that I love you. You never have to question us. I will stop questioning you and us. I realized through our thing over the past few days how much I love you and how much I want you and us. Mainly how I want you [to] know what real love, real loyalty is, and to experience someone who is with you through all in life. We will have ups and downs. Times of some pain and suffering, but together we will make it right. I’m sorry for overreacting, but it’s something I have to work on, because I’m used to being done dirty my whole life.

Translation – the “times of some pain and suffering” will describe how your burnt out glory hole feels after Aaron is done with you.

“I know I have my own issues as we all do, but you could always keep it real with me too. It will help me grow too. Just know I’m here for you to help you through all in life. I’ve got your back, your front, your side, and you for eternity. I know I’m going to go through hell dealing with you in life, but I can’t even give up on you, because that’s the type of love I have. Now you see why love is my weakness in life and how I go so far for the ones I have love for. All your issues are and will always be my issues. We will try to avoid all with respect, but if your crazy mouth gets you into s**t, I’ll be there always, even though I’m going to want to beat your a** after, LOL. Never question me or hide anything. That’s all I ask. I got you.

He’s got your back, your front, and your side for eternity. But mostly your back. That’s his favorite part. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Who could resist this while knowing that you’ll never have a chance to have sex with a woman ever again?


“I hope you have a great day, you will. Come to my door, ASAP. I miss you so much. You should be awake, knowing you sleep all f***ing day, LOL. I just wish we were cellmates, so I could at least kiss you on the forehead and say I love you. Then let you sleep while I make sure you have your coffee ready when you wake up. (Spoiled b***h!) I wouldn’t have it any other way. I truly love you that much. No words can describe it, nor will it ever, but I’m still stressing.

Damn, Aaron Hernandez wasn’t fucking around. He knew that Pure was a desired piece of ass in Shirley Max, so he was gonna treat his boo right. Mrs. Turtlegirl doesn’t even make me coffee in the morning.

“You told me you didn’t want to be on the block anymore. Did you really mean that? I mean, I’ve said way worse, so I understand, but still, it made me almost hang myself. I can’t even imagine them separating us. I’ll feel like I’m missing all of me. F**k half of me. I love you that much. I jut wanted you to begin this day knowing how loved you are and that you have someone through it all in life. Someone who will never not stand by you, not have your back, but only show you true love and true loyalty like you never experienced. I have you forever. I haven’t told you in a little, but you are perfect. I know I’m blessed to have you. I will let you know that forever and no matter what we have to overcome, we all have to grow in life. It’s a never-ending growth in life, but I’ll be with you through all of it. True ride or die.”

Damn, did Aaron Hernandez really kill himself because Pure got moved to a different cell block? Guess that’s what happens when you’re the most coveted prison bitch in Shirley and you like to play hard to get.


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38 Comment(s)
  • Ray Patriarca
    Ray Patriarca
    November 14, 2019 at 7:06 pm

    Q. What smells but doesn’t make a sound?
    A. A fart coming from this little fanooks ass.
    I’m sure Hernandez took this little queen to Pound-Town long, hard and often.

  • SMH
    My Bromance
    November 13, 2019 at 4:11 pm

    This love story tears me up. The baller and catcher against the world.

    My romance doesn’t have to have a moon in the sky
    My romance doesn’t need a blue lagoon standing by
    No month of may, no twinkling stars
    No hideaway, no soft guitars

    My romance doesn’t need a castle rising in Spain
    Nor a dance to a constantly surprising refrain
    Wide awake I can make my most fantastic dreams come true

    My romance doesn’t need a thing but you

  • bill fleming
    November 13, 2019 at 8:13 am

    Kyle should tell his story to troubled teens. His story would scare them straight.

  • WAS
    November 13, 2019 at 7:41 am

    Now we know why he hated Welker so much couldn’t get him to look at his PR toothpick

  • He'll be back to the Graybar Inn soon enough
    November 13, 2019 at 12:18 am

    Lil Pooftart won’t last long on the outside. If he gets past New Year’s Day I’ll be mildly surprised.
    He got a brief taste of semi freedom while in the system and fooked it up in very short order.
    Now that he’s out, his opportunities for screwing up are endless. His chances of getting greased are pretty good too and I don’t mean his prison pocket. Shitheads like this always have enemies waiting to settle old scores.
    Souza Baranowski is like Motel 6 for this guy, “We’ll leave a light on for ya.”

  • Rock Hudson
    November 12, 2019 at 10:29 pm

    This fucking dude could still be catching passes from the goat, have a bunch of super bowl rings and have like 75 mil in the bank, absolutely bananas, what a lunatic!

  • Gibbs
    November 12, 2019 at 5:59 pm

    The room is spinning… cause of all the gayness

  • The Vorlon
    Kosh Naranek
    November 12, 2019 at 5:41 pm

    Teri Hatcher pulled off the Trill look better, and without the manbun.

    • Corinth Arkadin
      November 18, 2019 at 3:10 pm

      I believe you meant Terry Farrell but that’s ok, they kinda look the same.

  • Spic Tormentor
    November 12, 2019 at 5:22 pm

    I had to stop reading this disgusting faggot shit

  • ncfoothillbilly
    November 12, 2019 at 3:36 pm

    Manbun=shitty pole slider.
    Kyle and two of his buddies were sitting in a hot tub, when all of a sudden a blob of semen floated to the top of the water. One of Kyles buddies asked, “Kyle, did you fart?”

  • randiguy2006
    Rut roh...
    November 12, 2019 at 3:20 pm

    Why would Mrs. Turtlegirl make SST coffee in the morning???

    Are they having a lesbian affair???


  • Y
    November 12, 2019 at 3:12 pm

    Whoa those letters are hotter than the ones I read in PlayGirl forum. (I only but the magazine to make fun of how gay all the naked guys look)

    • Y
      November 12, 2019 at 3:17 pm

      Nice schtick; now, get fucked, you fraud.

  • Jeff J
    Enquiring Minds
    November 12, 2019 at 2:56 pm

    “Mrs. Turtlegirl doesn’t even make me coffee in the morning.”
    Wait what?? I thought SSTG wrote this. Must be a typo……or is it?? Hmmmm……

    • Rutrow
      November 12, 2019 at 3:01 pm

      I was thinking the same thing. Thanks for confirming. What gives here? That is quite a blunder.

    • randiguy2006
      November 12, 2019 at 3:18 pm

      Wait, Uncle T isn’t being open and honest?


      C’mon TB…spill it!!!!

    • Finn
      November 12, 2019 at 3:18 pm

      Maybe Unc is more than one of the writers here. He also has over 40 Facebook accounts because it’s called being multi-talented, something you’ll never be.

      Get Fucked,

      • Nee Chi
        November 12, 2019 at 3:55 pm


        Do you always make excuses for strangers, or is it just Ole UTB?

        Already getting fucked,

      • WorcesterHasTalent
        November 12, 2019 at 4:35 pm

        “He also has over 40 Facebook accounts because it’s called being multi-talented’
        Thanks. I didn’t know there was a name for opening 40 FB accounts. MULTI-TALENTED it is.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      November 12, 2019 at 8:13 pm

      Erm. Unc’s wife is Mrs Turtleboy.

      SSTG’ clearly has a female paramour.

      Get it now?

  • Aaron warmth
    November 12, 2019 at 2:26 pm

    Hot coco. A smile. Early winter chill. Brrrr. All he missing is big teddy bear Aaron. Stay warm. Brrrr.

  • Hart Ford
    November 12, 2019 at 1:59 pm

    Why do we Allow these people to live?

  • Vinnie Severe
    November 12, 2019 at 1:38 pm

    Nobody cares about a dead greasy Puerto Rican and his AIDS victim boyfriend
    Let’s move on

  • Still 4th down
    November 12, 2019 at 1:08 pm

    All participants in the story are ratchet. The penalties offset.

  • Massholio
    November 12, 2019 at 1:03 pm

    I wish we had an exile law so wastes like this could be dropped in northern Maine with matches and a knife.

    • Christopher Lettiere
      November 12, 2019 at 1:34 pm

      Maine is FUBAR; they just elected a Somali woman into office, a true Trojan Horse.

  • Carter Clause
    November 12, 2019 at 12:48 pm

    If Michelle Carter was charged, tried, and convicted; then this pos should be too. Aaron Hernandez gave his heart to this man. Truly loved him.

    November 12, 2019 at 12:32 pm

    If Anal Aids had a face!
    OoO0o0 the irony of A.H. being a tight end!

    Taken from the Dictionary of the Urban:

    A Homo Thug is, Gay black or hispanic men who put on a masculine, hip hop “thug” facade. They walk, talk, and act like tough guys, but behind closed doors, they do the nasty with other men.
    (In This case a wigga)

    I’m ecstatic till this day that dude hung it up! It should be the new common practice & trend for the rest of the fungus gnats who live that shitcago bulls hat, thug lyfe yo~yo, dawgie dawg, 100% emoji, praying hands emoji, fire emoji nonsense type of life! I dont care if you’re straight or a blt123 double 15q11 having rainbow person, white, black, yellow, green, pink or red. I do not discriminate, the lot of you should follow suit!

    Imagine such a world with no more fungus gnats buzzing around! This world is already beautiful, but can you just imagine ( seriously. turn the lights off and close your eyes) a world with no more fungus gnats and their larvae in it?
    One could only hope! Though, It is actually possible to accomplish such a thing, all you have to do, is stop voting for the D!

    one more thing.
    Happy Belated Birthday to you Marines who ride & Happy Veterans Day to you all! Thank you all for your service and sacrifices, be safe & God bless you and your’s!

  • Judge dread
    November 12, 2019 at 12:09 pm

    Face tats? Check
    Neck tats? Check
    Flat brimmed Bulls hat? Check
    Shirley? Check

    Dude is going to be ratchet for life as he is beyond the point of no return. Mandatory sterilization might be a good move here.

  • Dr. Retread
    November 12, 2019 at 11:50 am

    It may have only been for a short time but those couldn’t have been easy miles. That kid was definitely featured in Proctologist’s Weekly

  • KimberlyS
    November 12, 2019 at 11:49 am

    Does that guy’s tattoo actually say “Only God can Judge” ??

    • Truth In Advertising
      November 12, 2019 at 11:54 am

      Apparently Aaron Hernandez was also able to judge

  • Christopher Lettiere
    November 12, 2019 at 11:46 am

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    November 12, 2019 at 11:41 am

    Kill it with fire.

    Everything that is wrong with society all packed into one little shithead.

  • Steven Ravioli
    November 12, 2019 at 11:23 am

    When someone is locked away and secluded it is an easy feat to control their mind without them being aware of it. Even though they know it. It’s difficult to make sense of, but they are working with a smaller portion of the brain. It is retarded, by definition.
    Aaron took this thug to poundtown. Now thug is free and getting cash. Turtleboy has no chance of him being on their show unless they’re paying him. It’s small tater tots to him.

  • randiguy2006
    November 12, 2019 at 11:17 am

    Kind of a sweet story if you ask me.

    Love is love.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Old Tom Morris
    November 12, 2019 at 11:13 am

    The Pats sure could use that dick sucking faggot this year. Very thin at the TE position.

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