All-Star Criminals

Anthony Salerno’s Defendant Of The Day – Worcester Woman Charged With Destruction of Property, Assault and Battery With Shop Vac

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Wanna do your taxes easily?

The courthouse records are usually the best part of the newspaper. I have no idea why it’s necessary to publicly humiliate people who have been arrested for a variety of offenses but I’m so glad that they do. Not necessarily because I believe in justice but more so because it’s hilarious what some people have been arrested for. Thus we bring you the first installation of “Anthony Salerno’s Defendant of the Day.

Today’s winner is a lovely young woman:

Female, 21, College St., Worcester, charged with malicious destruction of property over $250 and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon (shop-vac hose), continued to Feb. 10 on $1,000 cash bail.

Still think being a cop isn’t dangerous? Every day these brave men and women put their lives on the line to protect us from dangerous criminals with guns and shop-vacs.

I have central vacuum installed in my house and it is the greatest invention I’ve ever seen. Don’t know how I lived without it for so long. At any point all I have to do is put the hose into the wall and I can magically keep the house clean which usually keeps Mrs. Turtleboy at bay for a couple of hours. Apparently though I’m not using my shop-vac hose in a Worcester way. Because when you’re from Worcester the shop-vac isn’t used for cleaning, it’s used for beating the shit out of people who may or may not have slept with your mans.

My question is, how the hell is this a dangerous weapon?


What are you gonna do with that thing? And how do you maliciously destroy over $250 worth of property with it? The only thing I can think of is that Julia’s boyfriend was putting his doodle where it didn’t belong and she used this in some perverse form of retribution that I can’t even begin to think about. Unless she used this to literally suction his wee-wee while he was sleeping I can’t imagine a way in which it would hurt to get hit by one of these things. They’re hollow for crying out loud, and they’re made of plastic. If you called the cops because you got beat up with a shop-vac then you probably deserved it.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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2 Comment(s)
  • M3
    December 31, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Best one I read, some months ago, A&B with a dangerous weapon, cardboard box!

  • Lee Hume
    December 31, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    TB dude. Minor correction. I think you’re thinking “central” vac which is distinctly different than a wet/dry shop vac appliance. Bet you that mother packs a doozy.

    Just sayin’.

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