All-Star Criminals

Are These Two Crusty Skags Who Drove To The Auburn Mall From The Bronx To Spend Counterfeit $100 Bills On Victoria’s Secret The Dumbest Criminals Of All Time?

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Here’s your all-star criminals of the week:

At approximately 5:33p.m. yesterday (October 11), APD officers responded to the Auburn Mall after receiving a report of two black females passing counterfeit currency. The call originated from two alert Forever 21 associates who said that the bills felt “off”. Officer S. Kaperonis encountered two females matching the description provided exiting the Victoria’s Secret store together. One of the females, when approached, ran away from our officer towards the Sears store in the Mall. She was apprehended before exiting the Mall and identified as Ivette Guerrero, 25, of the Bronx, NY.
APD K9 Officer J. Ljunggren located a second female in the Sears side parking garage standing next to a white Nissan Altima that was registered to Ms. Guerrero. This female was detained and identified as Lauren Cruz, 26, also of the Bronx, NY. A total of twenty (20) suspected counterfeit notes were recovered from both suspects as well as merchandise obtained using the counterfeit money. Both females will be arraigned in Worcester District Court on charges of Possessing Counterfeit Notes and Uttering a Forged Document.




Pro tip – if your face looks like a paint pallet from Benjamin Moore, don’t go into a career in sneakthievery. All the cops have to do is get on the radio and say they’re looking for Harvey Dent’s twin sister from New York and they’ll find you in five seconds. I don’t know what’s more upsetting. The fact that money basically has no value because anyone can print it out like this and go shopping at Victoria’s Secret, or the fact that either of these skags is interested in wearing anything from Victoria’s Secret.

But seriously, how stupid can you be? If you’re gonna go into the counterfeit money business, why the hell would you use $100 bills? Especially when you’re a couple of crusty looking urchins from the Bronx. Ya know who uses $100 bills to pay for stuff? People who are on their way home from the casino and don’t wanna tell their wife how much money they just won. That’s it. Normal people pay in 20’s. You could’ve gotten away with it, but instead you chose to pay strictly with Benjamins. If you wanna do this and get away with it then you print a bunch of 20’s and you go to 7/11 and buy gum with it. Then you get real money back in return. Then you go to the mall. Not that I’ve ever thought about doing this before.

Anyway, the fact that they came all the way from the Bronx to the Auburn Mall tells you all you need to know about the reputation of the Auburn Mall. They could’ve picked any mall in a 200 mile radius. There’s probably hundreds of them. And they chose to take the three hour drive to Auburn because this is where they thought they could blend in most efficiently.

P.S. Love how the one that got away instinctively ran to the other girl’s car. Because they’d never think to look for her there.



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13 Comment(s)
  • Shopper's World
    October 16, 2016 at 6:11 pm

    It says nothing about Victoria’s Secret in the police report; they were at Forever 21. Asleep at the keyboard, much? What sort of smack are you shootin, TBoy?

  • titiho
    October 15, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    is that buzzard shit on her head?

  • Gilly13
    October 14, 2016 at 4:10 pm

    The security people in Auburn and the Solomon Pond Mall will tell you one thing: the big hitters are usually black or Hispanic and nearly all are from NYC. I am very close to a store Manager at one of the malls. Petty shoplifters run all races but major credit and debit card fraud is pretty consistent.

    In Connecticut, for some reason, the Bulgarians have the turf on credit card scams so while drugs are being delivered up here associates make the most of the trip.

    It isn’t racism if it is true.

    Growing up being told you are entitled only makes you want to take from others. We all pay higher prices as a result and society degrades further when little is done to stop it.

  • Again... So Typical
    October 14, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    Hey Mark,
    Just calling a spade a spade….and its BLM dumb ass.

  • Joe Max
    October 14, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Bronx ? Says it all ! I remember when the Bronx Boyz destroyed the Union Hill area and beyond in the early seventies. With of course heroin, the neighborhood was never the same.

  • So Typical
    October 14, 2016 at 12:35 pm

    I just peed my pants reading this! Where are the BLM retards rioting because clearly they were framed by the police.

    • Mark
      October 14, 2016 at 1:33 pm

      This has nothing to do with BLK, they didn’t get shot dumb ass this is shoplifting. I get you’re trying to be a racist prick but come on just cause you’re mad you’re sister/wife left you for a black fella doesn’t mean you have to act like this!

      • Micky Shitz
        October 15, 2016 at 7:42 am


      • Wabbitt
        October 16, 2016 at 2:52 pm

        If you have been playing “spot the SJW” – here he is.

  • Patrick
    October 14, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    I’m surprised they recognized and accepted a $100 dollar bill in Auburn. Oh, and rich white guys like to use 100s too. And rappers… definitely rappers.

  • Mike
    October 14, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    That is some scary looking shit right there.

  • Rk
    October 14, 2016 at 11:29 am

    They should’ve stopped by the diamond inn.. they prob would have gotten laid

  • Idiots
    October 14, 2016 at 11:12 am

    Should’ve gone to the Greendale Mall

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