With a few days before labor day and September rolling in, for those of us with crotch fruit age 6 and older, it is the most wonderful time of the year – back to school!
For me, that means that my crotch fruit are going to have to start going to bed earlier (yay), so they can get up earlier (and me too, meh.) so that they can get the fuck out of my house and stop eating all my damn food and running up the electricity bill with their Xbox, TV programs and terrible teenager music. And unlike the summer camp that I have to shell out ungodly amounts of money to keep them busy for only 3/4 of the summer, every summer, this shit is just about entirely free of cost and eats up most of their free time. So I’m pretty stoked. My semen demons, less so.
That being said, every year there is shit about back-to-school and the coming school year that just really grinds my gears, chaps my khakis, or otherwise gets my goat. There are just a few things that if we all did less – or more – of, the months from September until June every year could be just so much better, in my humble opinion. Am I the world’s best mother? No. Am I a parenting expert in any way, shape or form? Also no, unless you could being an expert on just about every way possible to fuck up parenting. Are my kids still alive, though? Yes. And I don’t do things to make the other moms on the PTO hate me.
So please, allow me to share with you this unsolicited list of strong suggestions that I feel would make the school year more tolerable for everyone. But especially me, because I’m self centered like that. This is my back to school gift to you, people. My F.U.P.A – Free, Unsolicited Parenting Advice.
1. School Drop-Off Is For Drop-Off Only
Seriously, moms and dads and all other caretakers of crotchfruit. It’s pretty fucking simple. If you have to give a motivational speech to your kid, braid their hair, lint roll their entire outfit, sing them a goodbye song and mourn the loss of their innocence and youth before they can exit the car — you don’t belong in the drop-off line, period. No one wants to see you put your minivan in park, reach over to the back seat and kiss and hug your child as if you won’t see them again for several weeks. This isn’t overnight camp. It’s school. And for fuck’s sake, don’t get out of the fucking car. In no sane version of reality do you ever need to physically exit your car, retrieve backpacks from your trunk and place them on your 8 to 12-year-old’s backs. Not. Even. Once.
You either kick those crotch fruit out of the car at a slow roll with backpacks loaded and ready to go like they are storming the beaches or Normandy, or you buy a fucking bus pass and embarrass them with your PDA bullshit at the bus stop. There is no option C, Karen. They either ninja-roll out of that vehicle like tiny trained assassins, or you can park at the bank parking lot and walk them in. The drop-off line is not for the weak.
2. Don’t Beg For Free School Supplies Online
Your kids are your responsibility. Summer day camp is anywhere from $200-$350 per week for me, per kid. That is a painful expense that screeches to a glorious halt as soon as school rolls in. A list of school supplies is a one-time purchase that maxes out at like, $60 per kid. School supplies are a fucking relief, the last round of purchases before being able to try and recover before Christmas comes around. Figure it out. You figured out how to gestate human life, for cryin’ (about Trapperkeepers and erasers) out loud. Buying some three-ringed binders takes a lot less time. The school will even hook you up with free lunch if you can’t afford lunch money so your kid can eat. If you can’t manage some pencils and notebooks at the Dollar Tree, we know what kind of person you are, and no one should feel bad for you.
At the very least, if you really can’t afford some number 2 pencils and glue sticks, go to one of the multitude of charitable organizations that offer help. Don’t go to Facebook. You’re supposed to be a parent. Learn to help yourself without begging strangers in a town group that just want to log on and demand the roads be paved or some shit. You’re setting a terrible example and bothering everyone.
3. Please Respect The Picture Quota
Yes, it’s exciting. Yes, your kids look adorable, all ready to learn and shit. We all take pictures, we all post pictures, I get it, and I have no authority to dictate how many you post of your scholarly little fuck-trophies. But please, just be aware, if you subject everyone to a two-week long, before-and-after-school photo journal of your kids’ first semester in the fifth grade, your entire friends list low-key hates you and has probably hit “ignore” on your posts. Nobody cares past the morning of the first day but you, trust me.
4. If You Go “Free Muh Boi” About Your Kids, You Fucking Suck
Kids get in trouble, I totally understand. Sometimes your kid forgets his homework, punches another kid on the playground, hits a teacher with a chair, burns down the school – I don’t fucking know. Kids are little people with little to no common sense or impulse control, and sometimes they pull shit that is terrible and humiliating. I’m not judging you there. I am, however, judging you if your natural reaction to the phone call from the school informing you that Johnny Jr. is in the office and losing recess for the week because he told his math teacher to go fuck herself with a splintered broom handle is to hang up fuming and immediately go to your local town page.
No, the principle does not have it “out for you” ever since you told him that your kid either gets the front of the line for lunch or you’ll call the school board, because his blood sugar gets low around 11am and that’s pretty much a disability. No, the teacher doesn’t remember you from 5th grade and still hates you, so she’s taking it out on your crotchfruit as part of some sort of weird multi-generational vendetta. No, the school is not racist, or sexist, or unable to cope with your “special needs” child. Your kid most likely isn’t autistic just because you diagnosed him on the fly IN ALL CAPS IN A FACEBOOK RANT, he’s a fucking asshole, because he’s being raised by assholes who truly believe HE DINDONUFFIN AND IS SO SPECIAL when he acts like a wild animal in the classroom. Don’t even start with the “My angel said he did nothing and the teacher was picking on him, and he doesn’t lie,” shit, because we all know your little Jeffery Dahmer has more reason to lie than anyone else in these scenarios. You’re pretty much just practicing your logic-defying denial and enabling for when his mugshot invariably shows up on the local PD’s page, so just fucking stop it now and punish the little prick, apologize and move on. If I see anyone pulling this dindonuffin shit over their little snowflake, please know: I will find you, and I will shame you and your little degenerate savage, too. You’ve been warned.
5. Dress Like A Human Being When You Pick Up Your Kids At The End Of The Day
Seriously. If you drop off your kids in the morning and are still wearing pajama pants and a gross hoodie, it’s at least understandable. Maybe you’re like me, and have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to drop one kid off at school, then go home and get ready for work before dropping the other one off. Or maybe you work late, or nights, or maybe you’re not a morning person. Fine. But, for the love of God and all things holy, pick-up time is somewhere between 2:30 and 4pm for most schools. If you’re still in pajamas, you’re a fucking terrible influence and scourge on society. There is only one acceptable way to show up to get your fruit-of-the-womb: Fully dressed.
Not like this. Not EVER like this.
You may not be a functioning member of society, but that doesn’t mean that the rest of us who are want to be slapped in the face with your life of apathy and flannel. We get it, you don’t have a job. No need to flaunt that shit around. You absolutely trashCAN change in to at least a pair of sweats by 3pm, if you don’t want to get real crazy and throw on some jeans.
Honestly, if you’re the type of person who feels comfortable walking around like this in the middle of the day, in public, I don’t even know why you’re bothering with school for your Jr. Hoodboogers at all. Because you’re probably the type of parent who also cries about buying school supplies to strangers online, posts long angry rants about the injustice imparted on your precious little future arsonist, and bitches about the quality of your kids free lunch. So you might as well pull Jayden and Neveah out of school now and get them ready for their prison-issued barber certificate and 8 week CNA course through DTA, because that’s the best you can hope for given your example, anyway.
6. Do At Least One Thing To Help Out Your Rawdog Trophy’s Class
You’re busy, I understand. Maybe you work full-time, are juggling soccer practices and flute lessons with Boy Scouts and tutoring sessions and you also try to cook a meal at least the majority of the week. Maybe you’re raising 5 kids whose baby daddies aren’t shit, and your weed dealer doesn’t run on good time so you can’t even manage to change out of your pajama pants. Or Whatever. I don’t know you. What I do know is, your kids’ teachers are getting paid shit to babysit your spawn for 7 hours a day and trying to teach them what they’ll need to know to graduate and become productive members of society. They often pay for classroom supplies out of their own pockets without any reimbursement. You owe them at least something, every year, from K to 12. Bake something for the teacher’s breakfast if your school has one, or pick up some damn fruit salad or something. If you want to send your kid in with a gift for the holidays, get something good like a gift card, not a stupid fucking coffee mug to go with the 20 other stupid fucking coffee mugs he/she is inevitably going to throw out. Volunteer at your school if you have little money but some free time. Or, if you’re like me and don’t have the time or patience to chaperone a field trip or school dance, donate – money, classroom supplies, bottled water for an event, whatever you can do. Make sandwiches for the car wash the PTO puts on to raise money for the class trip so the kids can eat lunch. You have no business complaining about your kid’s education if you don’t take an active role in it.
Show a little gratitude, will ya? And do something, anything, to help out. Because your kids are benefiting for 180 days a year from the public school system and all the people who work for it. It’s the least you can do, and it shows your kids you are invested. It also buys you a little forgiveness if your kid punches another kid in the recess line for humming too loud, because at the very least it’ll look like you care enough for it not to be a product of your shitty best-guess at parenting.