All-Star Criminals

Barney Trouble Steals Rocks From Westport Stonewall On Multiple Occasions To Build A Coi Pond, Doesn’t Realize That Rocks Are Free In Woods

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This story out of Westport is from last week and I meant to blog about it, but life comes at you quick and I just never got around to it. I really wanted to though, because it’s hilarious. Check out what the major crimes unit in Westport has been up to.

Mofo is straight up stealing rocks from a hand-built stone wall at the family owned Bakers Beach. It’s hard to find rocks on planet earth dude. They’re very rare. He actually did this on several occasions, before the owners realized something was up and installed the camera. He was picky about it too, and brought his flashlight so he could get the pick of the litter.

So many rocks, how will he ever choose?

After the first two times he came the owners actually cemented the rocks down, but Double Chin Davey came prepared with a crowbar of course.

And he left with a nice stash of rocks.

In nearby New Bedford they steal crack rocks. In Westport they steal actual rocks. If this guy was looking for rocks he could’ve just called me up. I have a bunch of them in the backyard that do nothing except get in the way.

Anyway, this was obviously the crime of the century in Westport and all available resources were used to find out who Barney Trouble was. Within 24 hours they had their man:

Police have captured a man suspected of stealing stones from a wall outside a Westport home. Police said tips began pouring in Monday after they posted surveillance footage on their Facebook page, which showed a man attempting to pry stones from a wall on Bridge Street, near Baker’s Beach. David McCarthy, 54, of Freetown, was arrested around 2:30 a.m. Thursday after police said he was seen at the entrance to Baker’s Beach with two large wall stones inside his trunk. McCarthy told police he got nervous after seeing the video being shared on the news and social media.The homeowners installed surveillance cameras and cemented down the rocks after some were stolen on two separate occasions, according to police. Police said McCarthy admitted he was building a koi pond at his home and was using someone else’s stones to complete it. It will cost approximately $1,200 to repair the wall, police estimated.

Don’t worry Davey, Mexico will pay for the wall.

I can’t believe he actually came back to the scene of the crime WITH THE ROCKS!! He got nervous, since he was obviously the most wanted criminal in the south coast, and he wanted to return the rocks before blending back into law abiding society. Sure, he could’ve just thrown them in a lake or tossed them in the woods and no one would be the wiser because they’re fucking rocks. But being the good samaritan that he is he decided to go to the only place the cops could possibly find him – the scene of the crime. Wicked smaht.

Here’s my question – does this guy ever sleep? He came every night at 2:30 AM. I’ve never seen someone with such an insatiable thirst to build a coi pond.

Pro tip – if you plan on building a coi pond and you need some extra rocks, just take a walk into the woods. There’s tons of free rocks everywhere, and it will keep you off of Turtleboy. Just sayin.

13 Comment(s)
  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    October 29, 2018 at 11:00 am

    God, white people are SO DUMB.

    • Troof
      October 29, 2018 at 12:11 pm

      Hey Didi, like Kanye said, “slavery was a choice”.

      Your ancestors chose it because they were inferior.

  • Linda
    October 27, 2018 at 11:56 am

  • Westport Lou
    October 26, 2018 at 7:58 pm

    He was up at 2:30 am with nothing to do because The Back Eddy in Westport closes at like 11pm. Westport gets pretty quiet late night off season by the water, quiet enough to steal froma family’s wall for people like Double Chin.

  • Don't Be A Lickspittle
    October 26, 2018 at 9:44 am

    There are times in every mans life when he locks eyes with that special rock. Once that happen love becomes his guide.

  • Deflateddoritodinks
    October 25, 2018 at 8:01 pm

    Westport is like France . It’s an awesome rural place by the ocean only ruined by its residents.

    • Drago
      October 26, 2018 at 2:36 pm

      Like Dartmouth

  • On the scanner
    October 25, 2018 at 7:35 pm

    Police said that when he started running that he had a big enough lead that he probably would have gotten away if hadn’t refused to drop the 95 lb stone.

  • Jack Straw from Wichita
    Jack Straw from Wichita
    October 25, 2018 at 5:09 pm

    Barney Trouble… haha. Good one.

    “McCarthy, meet McCarthy,
    He’ll swipe all of your stones with glee
    from the town of Freeport,
    he’s got his own page on Turtleboy, whee!

  • Scott
    October 25, 2018 at 4:49 pm

    It’s easy to find rocks, it’s harder to find dressed stone. Just sayin.

  • Judge dread
    October 25, 2018 at 1:30 pm

    I grew up in Windham, NH on a few acres of woods and there are some rocks you can’t touch or fuck with. They’re old property lines like stone fences I’m sure we have all seen before. They’re like 200+ years old so they’re consider protected historical property. The rock walls/borders are all over the place in New England.

    This is just fucking retarded tho. I hope he gets dragged out back and beaten with an empty garden hose and then sentenaced to 6 months hard labor making big rocks into small rocks.

  • AgingCynic
    October 25, 2018 at 1:07 pm

    Pro tip: nobody builds koi ponds any more around here. If you live anywhere near the water (like Freetown) the birds will just take the fish. Moron was building an avian buffet.

  • Stunt Penis
    October 25, 2018 at 1:04 pm

    First, it’s “Koi pond”, not Coi.

    Second, rocks aren’t free in the woods. Someone owns the woods (even if it’s state-owned property, in which case, we all own the woods), and the rocks therein.

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