All-Star Criminals

Can Anthony Salerno Save Amanda Bynes From Yet Another DUI Charge?

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Anthony Salerno is a guy you can call when you’re in a jam and need some due process. It just so happens that he’s one of Worcester’s most widely respected DUI attorneys, and can pretty much get you off the hook for anything you may or may not have done. Here’s my question – could he save Amanda Bynes after her most recent bender?


Ya see there are, celebrity train wrecks. Then there’s fifty feet of shit. Then there’s Amanda Bynes. It seems like only yesterday she was was lighting dogs on fire and throwing bongs out of New York City apartment buildings that were raided by the fuzz. But somehow she’s managed to stay out of the news for almost a whole calendar year. Almost. That all ended this past weekend when she was arrested for “DUI” (from TMZ):

Bynes was driving a Mercedes in the San Fernando Valley when she stopped in the middle of an intersection on Van Nuys Blvd.

A CHP officer spotted her and determined she was under the influence. She was taken to the LAPD Van Nuys division where a drug recognition officer evaluated her and determined she was under the influence of a drug.

God damnet Bynesey. You were doing well there for a while, but now you’re gonna need some legal representation for yet another day in court. Could Anthony Salerno save Bynesey from the slammer? I’m thinking yes. First of all, she’s got a rock solid alibi that I call the “NFL defense”:

We’ve learned the Adderall was prescribed by a doctor and she had taken the drug before getting stopped in Van Nuys Sunday and failing multiple field sobriety tests. She was arrested for DUI. Adderall is a stimulant and we’re told Amanda was “out of it” when she was stopped.

What would steroid freaks and crackheads do without the adderrall defense? It’s the one drug you can take without a prescription and no one seems to give a shit. We’ve all had to write a 20 page paper, or wanted to stay awake at the Buffalo bars until 4:00 AM. Adderrall fixes everything.


But here’s the problem with the adderrall defense – you need a dumbass judge to fall for it. Newsflash – adderrall doesn’t make you fail a field sobriety test. It does the exact the opposite. No one has ever failed a test of any nature while under the “influence” of adderrall. That’s the whole fucking point of taking it.

So if I’m Anthony Salerno, I’m staying far, far away from this defense. Instead I’m gonna point out the fact that it’s fucking ridiculous to say that someone would be stoned and on adderrall at the same time. Newsflash – that defeats the whole point of both drugs. If someone wants to get stoned, they wanna chill out. If someone wants to take an adderrall, they wanna go dancing at the club, or play cornerback for the Seahawks.

The one piece of advice I would give to my girl Amanda is that when she does get her day in court, don’t dress like this again:


or this


Oh yea, and if I’m Anthony Salerno, I show highlights from What I Like About You to the judge. Because still to this day I don’t understand how this girl right here became America’s most famous crackhead:


and neither will a judge.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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3 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    October 8, 2014 at 11:10 pm

    Every time I see her latest ridiculous stunt (like Tweeting how she wanted Drake to “destroy her vagina”), I wonder what happened to the cute, mildly annoying girl from that stupid Nickelodeon game show. I can’t remember the name, but Summer Sanders was the host, and she was still a hot former Olympic swimmer while I was a teenage boy, so I watched it.

    • NW
      October 8, 2014 at 11:29 pm

      Can’t, Figure it out? Could it be, change on interests!

  • October 8, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    Whatever happened to the good old days when this story didn’t end in a DUI arrest. It ended with photos of 300 feet of skidmarks, some torn up guardrail, and the flaming remnants of a BMW at the bottom of a ravine?

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