All-Star Criminals

Can We Please Find Out The Identity Of The Great Barrier Queef Who Parked Next To A Fire Hydrant In Lawrence And Got Penetrated By The Fire Department?

 

Loading...

There was a fire in Lawrence this weekend and when the cops went to hook their hoses up to the hydrant they found most commonly seen item in Lawrence after crack rock – a Honda Accord. It was a three alarm blaze so LFD didn’t have time to fuck around, so they took care of business instead. Watch.

The only thing more obnoxious than the guy who parked there was the guy filming it. Bruh, who are you even yelling at? We get that this guy’s a queef for parking there, and I totally appreciate your enthusiasm and hatred for whoever put it there, but the guy who parked there isn’t watching the video. Luckily no one was killed in this inferno, thanks to the quick actions of firefighters.

And is there a single street corner in Lawrence that doesn’t have cometing bodegas across the street from each other?

What an absolute shithole.

Anyway, I’d love to know who owns this Honda Accord if someone would like to run license plate 798 SG1 for me. Since this is Lawrence, there’s a 90% chance that the person driving it isn’t the registered owner, and a 95% chance they’ve already been featured on Turtleboy.

 

 

Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:




Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 

 

Loading...
50 Comment(s)
  • C
    June 25, 2019 at 3:24 pm

    This story would be such a perfect storm of dipshittery if the owner of the car then ended up outing themselves on FB by bitching about replacing their windows. Come on ratchets, don’t fail me now!

  • Judge dread
    June 25, 2019 at 1:42 pm

    hands down the best thing I’ve seen all day.

    the owner of the vehicle in question should be beat with a garden hose and then thrown off one of those “rent a sailboats” on the Charles river, with weights heavy enough to force them to tread water for their life. before being rescued by the very same people they fucked around with.

    damn. I’m on a roll today. don’t interrupt me when I say the german’s bombed Pearl Harbor!

  • ncfoothillbilly
    June 25, 2019 at 12:02 pm

    While the cops were hooking up fire hoses the firefighters were out arresting crackheads. It mustve been opposite day…

  • Ummm....
    June 25, 2019 at 10:31 am

    Is it too much to ask that you proofread your articles before posting?

    It only take a few minutes. No one was going to beat you to this Breaking News, I promise.

    • Dick Scratcher
      June 25, 2019 at 11:00 am

      Seriously, fuck off. You’re not wanted here.

  • whatevuh
    June 25, 2019 at 6:59 am

    What the hell is cometing bodegas ?

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      June 25, 2019 at 1:29 pm

      competing

  • Harry Seeword
    June 25, 2019 at 6:44 am

    Probably a Dominican with a stolen Puerto Rican ID. ICE would ship him back to the DR but our politicians want all the illegal aliens they can get, so they made it almost impossible for ICE to do their work.

  • MrSparklyPants
    June 25, 2019 at 6:23 am

    The guy who took the video was awesome; so Massachusetts it hurts. It feels like Marky Mark should have been in the shot too.

  • Hrad
    June 25, 2019 at 12:59 am

    This is what happens when you f*** a stranger in the ass. Is this your homework Larry?

    • Y
      June 25, 2019 at 10:55 am

  • Conan the Grammarian
    June 24, 2019 at 10:57 pm

    LOL! I LOVE it when there are “cometing bodegas.” But this time I didn’t see them streaking across the night sky… although, come to think about it, there WAS one blazing, no longer trying to outsell the one on the opposite corner.
    (You should have used an iPhone, as its spell-check would have saved you this typographical embarrassment.)

  • Hugh Mungous
    June 24, 2019 at 10:52 pm

    Lawrence… The Woonsocket of Massholia

  • ANGRY GIANT
    June 24, 2019 at 9:53 pm

    here’s a clue. That’s a picture of Howard’s fried pork skins, chicharron con chili y limon flavor.

  • Ray Torical
    June 24, 2019 at 9:47 pm

    Who wants to bet it was a middle aged white male with a family to provide for? He surely does not have the time to find a parking spot. A fine gentleman way to busy being a productive member of society. Am i wrong?

  • Lipstick Hippie
    June 24, 2019 at 9:39 pm

    They couldn’t run the hose over or under the car? Don’t get me wrong, the chud that parked there is still an asshole, but was busting out his windows really necessary? Guess the firefighters were trying to make a point, and I sure as hell bet this loser won’t park in front of a hydrant again.

    • Ray Torical
      June 24, 2019 at 9:49 pm

      Are you as stupid and unattractive as i imagine?

      • Lipstick Hippie
        June 27, 2019 at 5:38 pm

        Unattractive, but not stupid. I can show you my Mensa membership card if you like, but I’m not gonna waste my time having a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

    • Water flow
      June 24, 2019 at 10:34 pm

      A normal hydrant will get you a max of 60psi or 900 gallons a minute at best. The average engine can pump 1200 gpm at ideal conditions. Problems arise when there are kinks, bends, and folds in the water supply line. Thus drastically reducing the amount of water being delivered. Straight and narrow is the best option. So in answer to your question is a resounding NO. No, they cant go under (logistical nightmare) or over.

      • Big Wick
        June 24, 2019 at 11:04 pm

        Thanks, Water, I was about to go there, but your explanation was much more eloquent, but succinct, than mine was going to be. Additionally, notice in the pic that they STILL needed to move the car away from the hydrant to be able to attach the coupling.

      • Lipstick Hippie
        June 27, 2019 at 5:48 pm

        Water – thank you for answering my rhetorical question with facts; I learned something new today. Big Wick – thanks for pointing out that they had to move the car, I guess I didn’t study the picture too closely.

    • Edward R. Rat Burrow
      June 25, 2019 at 7:30 am

      Cops putting out fires.Bodegas in space. Al Swearegen showing up east of the Mississippi to make a video in Lawrence. Destroying Honda Accords. This story’s got it all!

      • A. Swearingen
        June 25, 2019 at 5:42 pm

        I did not authorize these cocksuckers to use my trademarks. Feed all of the cocksuckers to Wu’s pigs.

  • ANGRY GIANT
    June 24, 2019 at 9:37 pm

    Unregistered, uninsured, illegally attached plates. Likely the car was stolen in Jersey, and the plate was swiped off an Oldsmobile .

  • Yawn zzzzzzzzz
    June 24, 2019 at 7:57 pm

    I could care less about publicly shaming a friggin parking violator. Save it for the real losers.

    • britni555
      June 24, 2019 at 8:50 pm

      Sure… until your house burns down and the filerfightes can’t help because of fucking idiots to lazy to park 5 feet away.

  • Nitwit Nittwat
    June 24, 2019 at 7:55 pm

    Hey Fuck off turtlegirl for dissing the narrator, more of a fucking journalist than you, you lazy fat azz piece o’shit. He’s out in the street getting it done so fuck you.

    • britni555
      June 24, 2019 at 8:51 pm

      Wow, someone took that personally

  • britni555
    June 24, 2019 at 7:46 pm

    Why the hate for the guy who filmed it?? Wouldn’t you be that pissed off if you saw that shit??? And he stopped the video to help them push the car. SSTG I love you. But that was unnecessary. Just my opinion

    • britni555
      June 24, 2019 at 7:50 pm

      On top of that, they are fire fighters, not cops. And yes, whoever parked that fucking car, they were not watching the video at the time. But hopefully they’ll see it. That’s kind of the point of this whole blog. Holding people accountable.

  • Sanctuary Cities
    June 24, 2019 at 7:43 pm

    It’s amazing how many fires there are in Lawrence. City full of Dems living in shitholes owned by rich Dems from Andover
    Get the picture

  • Manheim
    June 24, 2019 at 6:55 pm

    Did da way we do it in the islands mon!

  • Emily
    June 24, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    There’s also a 95% chance they have no license and registration because people are allowed to do that in Massachusetts. Then they go to court and it’s dismissed or found not responsible.
    I give a big thumbs up to the man taking the video. I was swearing right along with him. He nailed it when he said no respect. Also no common sense or common courtesy. Nothing but freaking state of entitled people.

  • Pissed of Jake
    June 24, 2019 at 6:01 pm

    Baaaaahaaaahaaaahaaaa !!
    I LOVE it !
    It reminds me of years ago in my hometown. Some chud parked in front of the bay doors of the Fire Station to run into the library. A call came in for a fire. The engine, which was an early sixties Seagrave with a bumper like a tank, was blocked in.
    Soooooo ……they put the engine in drive and rammed the car out of the way !
    Good times !

    • wikked awesome!
      June 24, 2019 at 6:21 pm

      Kool story bro.

      How many time did you fail the police test?

      • Well, No Shit
        June 24, 2019 at 7:02 pm

        Cool put down, brah.

        Just remember; Firefighters exist because cops need heroes too.

        • Rochambeau
          June 24, 2019 at 7:24 pm

          Look, Jake was clearly pissed of. Wikked was clearly pissed off with firefighters many time.

  • z
    June 24, 2019 at 5:59 pm

    The car slowed down the putting out of the fire, but HE’s more obnoxious?
    SMH, LOL.

    Somebody has got their priorities all messed up and it ain’t the guy who
    made the video.

  • Brock Turner
    June 24, 2019 at 5:49 pm

    Fire fighters are all racist pigs who would spray POC’s with hoses back in the day. None of those fire fighters could get into Stanford.

    • TheCureForHope
      June 26, 2019 at 7:04 pm

      Sarcasm, guys, sarcasm. Wake TF up . No way you can downvote unless you cannot recognize sarcasm? Stupid shits.

  • kevins9iron
    June 24, 2019 at 5:46 pm

    My favorite sign in the background : “Super-Market” Fucking priceless.

  • Cheddah
    June 24, 2019 at 5:20 pm

    If this took place in Boston there’s a 90% chance the car would be a BMW.. The most inconsiderate, self-serving breed of car owners… just saying.

    • ‘Ay mang
      June 25, 2019 at 12:31 pm

      Not as bad as Audi drivers.

  • Whacked Jack
    June 24, 2019 at 5:17 pm

    Well, No Shit stole my line!

  • Captain Trips
    June 24, 2019 at 5:07 pm

    Someone named Martinez, Rodriguez, Diaz, Bermudez, or similar must be pissed!

    • Captain Trips
      June 25, 2019 at 6:09 pm

      It was Flores

      Correct again!

  • John Blutarsky
    June 24, 2019 at 4:51 pm

    Honda Accord – the hood booger’s ride of choice. Always among the top five most stolen car models. Now you know why.

  • Liawatha
    June 24, 2019 at 4:40 pm

    Probably someone just running into the bodega across the street for a minute. I fail to understand why these white, jackbooted firemen couldn’t wait a minute or at very least run across the street and ask them to please hurry up.

  • Well, No Shit
    June 24, 2019 at 4:13 pm

    SSTG, Honey, I don’t want to be “that guy,” but I’m going to be “that guy…”

    Cops don’t hook into fire hydrants. Firefighters do.

    • Dats rite.
      June 24, 2019 at 6:09 pm

      Facks.

Comment on this Post

*

RELATED POSTS
White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?