All-Star Criminals

Do You Recognize This Thieving Acidwashed Drunken Man-Bunned Wankstah Who Robbed A Fall River Store And Told The Clerk That He “Beats Hoes In New Bedford?”

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From New Bedford’s News-Talk Stations – 1420 WBSM:

“FALL RIVER — A suspect is sought in a reported armed robbery of a Fall River convenience store.

On Thursday, January 24th at approximately 3 a.m., Officers Ross Aubin and Thomas DeMello of the Fall River Police Departments Uniform Division responded to the Cumberland Farms at 4548 North Main Street in response to an armed robbery complaint. On arrival, Officer Aubin spoke to the clerk, who stated an intoxicated, skinny white male in his 20’s with brown hair in a bun, wearing white sneakers, ripped baggie whitewashed jeans, and a white jacket with blue sleeves, walked out without paying.

Officer Aubin was able to track down the cab driver and locate the area where the male was dropped off, but could not locate the man.

This incident is under investigation and anyone with further information is urged to contact Officer Ross Aubin of the Fall River Police Departments’ Uniform Division at [email protected]), (508) 676-8511 Ext. 115, or call the FRPD anonymous tips line at (508) 672-TIPS(8477).

What did I just read…?!  Dude robbed a Cumby’s, allegedly with a gun nonetheless, for some candy bars, a piece of fruit, and a bottle of flavored water?!

I…umm…yeeaaah…I don’t even know where to begin with this fool.  Look at the pants…is this even real life?!  First of all, I’m pretty sure those are my moms high-waisted acid wash jeans from the 80’s that this little fuckstick must’ve found at Savers.

Second of all, he doesn’t even have them up past his mid-thigh! What is this, 1995?  How do they stay in place?!  Never mind being able to carry a gun on the waistband!  Pretty sure we’d see it because the gun probably weighs more than him!  I literally LOL’ed at the “I beat hoes in New Bedford!” line…because, in reality, the only thing he’s probably beating is his own giggle-stick!  Maybe he refers to the little fella as “Hoes In New Bedford!” before he beats it, but that’s probably about it. Homey is the size of a fourth grader, so I’m pretty sure any self-respecting hoe would be able to fight back and power bomb this teensy rent-a-thug into the nearest filthy crack mattress.  And wait…are man-buns still a thing?!  Is that cornrows I see as well?!  Tough to tell in the grainy picture, but I sure as hell can’t wait to see how this story unfolds!

In all seriousness though, armed robbery is no joke, and this foolery is exactly the kind of stupid shit that feeds into the masses when they cry about stricter gun laws. Although, if this douche truly does own a gun, it’s pretty much a given that it was not legally acquired…in which case, gun laws don’t matter because people like him don’t care about or abide by ANY laws regardless.  But, anyway, we’ll keep you posted…I’m sure it’ll be interesting.

Turtle riders are always our greatest resource, so please spread the word and if you have any information about the identity and/or the whereabouts of this sorry excuse for a “man”, please contact the FRPD immediately!

21 Comment(s)
  • Turtle Mobile
    January 27, 2018 at 1:30 pm

    Say he wanna be
    Shorties gonna be a thug
    Said he gonna be
    One day he’s gonna be

  • He's a Coward
    January 26, 2018 at 5:54 pm

    Mike Tyson rocks! Then and now, we’ll see what hoes get beaten. Fucking coward beating women. A real man would take those broads in and rehabilitate them, buy them a treadmill, give them a reason to get fit and sexy. Same as adopting a stray cat, do the right shit it will love yuou forever. Stupid pussy abuses women, fucking dumb coward, treat women right they will do anything for you. Women are awesome, fuck yeah birtches! Hoping his cell mate is like Tyson.

  • Roger
    January 26, 2018 at 3:10 pm

    …Something tells me that the banana was for self enjoyment and not for the potassium. His excitement for what was in store next, explains why his pants were down. It’s like tearing into the packaging of something in the car after you bought it. 

  • Hugh Jass
    January 26, 2018 at 1:49 pm

    DeDi PWNed TB. Big-time.

    • Cracker
      January 26, 2018 at 3:37 pm

      DiDi doesn’t own anything. She doesn’t work.

      On the other hand, white people own her. She is at their whim. As soon as they stop paying everything for her, she’ll only live as long as she can survive on her blubber.

      DiDi licks white boots and doesn’t even know it. She’s like the Negroes back in the day that were fooled into picking cotton because they were told it belongs to the guy next door and he wasn’t home, so they sneak into his yard and “steal” it. That trick worked every day because blacks are generally mindless just like DiDi, who is one of them.

      It takes no wits to fool liberal white women. They’d let negroes slap and fuck their daughters right in front of them just because they’re black, and they’re so entitled they don’t even know how entitled they are, even to the point that they succeed in making it look like a low self-esteem issue…


      Want to give a liberal an existential crisis?


      Why do I hate black people? Because they ASK for it. I didn’t start off hating them. It took years. Want to change my opinion?

      Get them to stay off the news for just one night.


  • Screw PC
    January 26, 2018 at 11:42 am

    Hispanics are not white unless they come from fucking Spain. The Latino failed abortions that are slithering around Fall River and Lawrence are not white.

    Puerto Ricans are Taino.
    Dominicans are West African.
    Guatemalans are Mayan.
    Mexicans are Aztec.

    Is David Fucking Ortiz white? Who the fuck is spouting bullshit about non-European Latinos being “white”? I’ll tell you who. The single mom who’s looking for a job because Papi shot his man-chowder in her snizz and took off to hang out with his girlfriend who isn’t pregnant yet.

    That waste product who robbed Cumberland Farms isn’t white. Get it fucking straight, and stop passively polluting our gene pool.

    • Maggie the Cat
      January 26, 2018 at 11:51 am

      I demand equal treatment for Arawaks in this list. The author of the list should understand this.

    • Security
      January 26, 2018 at 12:03 pm

      I propose that all stores ghetto enough to put up a height tape next to the door also put up a color chart. A detailed color chart may even help ratchets narrow down potential paternity matches.

    • TJB
      January 26, 2018 at 9:57 pm

      Agree 100%. My favorite are the PR’s and DR women buying cases of henny and patron at the state liquor store in NH, then laughing as they load cases of top shelf booze in the back of a brand new landcruiser. They pay cash, of course.

  • CM
    January 26, 2018 at 10:58 am

    Delonte West is back in town!!!

  • Hugh Janus
    January 26, 2018 at 10:45 am

    Hard to recognize him, since he looks like every ratchet in New Bedford and Fall River – just needs a Bulls hat and mid 80’s Camaro to complete the ratchet starter pack

    • Ya, No
      January 26, 2018 at 12:18 pm

      Hey buddy there’s nothing wrong with a mid eighties camaro. Rather that than your Camry

      • ratchethater
        January 26, 2018 at 12:26 pm

        Easy there Francis….

      • Mirror Mirror
        January 26, 2018 at 9:36 pm

        Man bun and skinny jeans = Prius owner

  • Fitzy
    January 26, 2018 at 10:11 am

    That little wangsta is going to be so pissed when he finds out that he was described as being white!

  • WickedHookedFishin
    January 26, 2018 at 10:04 am

    Surprised he wasn’t wearing a bulls cap.

  • Herr Doktor
    January 26, 2018 at 9:51 am

    First of all any male with a man bun needs to immediately be stripped of his man card with no chance of return for at least 10 years; same with wearing skinny jeans, wearing them together should be cause for permanent revocation and issuance of the he/she/it card. The 14 year old who lives a a few houses down from me could have kicked the living dogshit out of this wannabe thug. Karma should have him pull that on some real gangsta and get his hat handed to him with his empty head still in it. For some strange reason I see him GETTING his ass kicked by hoes (as well as pre-schoolers and toddlers) in New Bedford, I mean how fast can he run with his f-ing pants falling down?

  • Masshole
    January 26, 2018 at 9:27 am

    Men wearing skinny jeans should be laughed at and have stuff thrown at them daily.

    • AlyBoBaly
      January 26, 2018 at 10:02 am

      Skinny jeans AND a man bun to boot…

    • Uncle Randy
      January 26, 2018 at 10:13 am

      Wearing anything tight causes my balls to like “pop” into position when I move and it hurts a lot.

      • It’s a man thing, they wouldn’t understand
        January 26, 2018 at 12:32 pm

        Not an issue for anyone with small enough junk to sport skinny jeans.

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