All-Star Criminals

Dog Filter Douchebag Loses Custody of His Kid Because He’s Obviously a Junkbox Supreme, Begs For Money Online, Gets Owned in His Own Comments Section

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Today’s edition of “dindu nuffin” parenting comes from  Narragansett, Rhode Island, because Rhode Island is the salty armpit of new England. Let me introduce you to Father-of-the-Year and internet panhandler Mike Martins:

Oh yeah, I’d definitely trust this face to guide a child to a productive adulthood.

I hope you’re sitting down reading this, because, bombshell – Mike has lost custody of his son, and he needs your money to get him back. $500 to be exact, which totally doesn’t seem like an arbitrary number schemed up by a face tatted junkbox who wants to ride the handout express to dieseltown. So he’s set up both a Gofundme and Facebook fundraising campaign, not that it looks insanely sketchy or desperate or anything. The story he tells is totally heart wrenching, and totally believable, too.

Goddamn Dcyf, they’re always singling out innocent people, amiright? He’s so desperate for cash, he’ll do ANYTHING….except, you know, like….get a job. But he will post his phone number online for complete strangers to call. He’ll do “jobs” for you, which is pretty nondescript, but judging from this fucking mug:

I’d assume they are of the “blow” and “hand” variety.

The best part of this for me, is the comments this douchewhistle got on his own goddamn post:


So yeah, I’d say it’s a sure bet this guy is full of fucking shit and brown tar heroin.

Of course, though, this is all just a big misunderstanding because cops are such judgmental assholes.

You’re not asking the community for work, you limpdick halfwit. You’re asking strangers for money whilst blaming your poor decisions and inability to function like a useful human being on the authorities who caught you.

Let me level with you, cocks-for-cash. Child Protective Services don’t just fall from the sky and cut you off from your kid. You have to fuck up pretty badly, more than once, for them to take action. And the police are trained to tell the difference between “I need a nap” and “I’ve replaced all the blood in my body with sweet China white”, so I’m going to have to call bullshit on that one too. I don’t doubt that the mother is a prize shooter as well, but that doesn’t exonerate ya, Mikey. If she’s got the kid, she’s clearly the shinier of two turds.

You know this guy has to be pretty bad, because not one ratchet showed up to defend him. When even the rachet pack abandons you like a sickly runt, it’s time to get your shit together, broseph.

Mike has since pulled a delete and retreat, because this didn’t work out quite like he envisioned, I’d assume. I don’t know what he exactly envisioned using his infant to panhandle cash for “bus fare” to take a child he admittedly does not have custody of to made up doctors appointments and such, but thankfully it doesn’t look like this junkbox managed to get a dime, but he did get several tips from unhappy commentators, clearly fed up with what appears to be his normal song, dance and scam routine. I’m just judging by their words, so if I’m wrong, please correct me, Mikey. The choice to retract your pleas for cash doesn’t help your case, though – albeit it was, in the scheme of things, the right one.  It’s all good in your low income hood, homie – internet scams come and go, but screen shots are forever. Welcome to your posterity, motherfucker. Wake the fuck up and reevaluate your life, you have a child who deserves better.

5 Comment(s)
  • XXX
    September 28, 2018 at 10:24 am

    Any guy who uses a dog filter needs to get beaten with golf clubs.

  • ncfoothillbilly
    September 27, 2018 at 9:01 pm

    Shaved brows…homo
    Dog thingy…super gay
    Backwards ball cap…kind of gay
    Facial tats…dumb
    Overall impression…GUILTY…Supermax butt-pound prison for a month of unintended anal cosmetic surgery.

  • TJB
    September 27, 2018 at 8:33 pm

    He never will change. The kids better off without him.

  • Babies are not toys
    September 27, 2018 at 6:25 pm

    That baby is so beautiful. What a shame this thing, is what he has to call Dad. I hope he is taken for good and adopted by a wonderful couple and given everything he deserves in life. Most of all love and protection. Give him a chance.

  • Red Meat
    Fix Yourself Mikey
    September 27, 2018 at 3:51 pm

    See, I’m in recovery myself and have children that have been taken from me before…..and even THIS ticks me off! But guess what I did? I grew the fuck up, put that shit down along with anybody that revolved around the shit and straightened my ass out.

    Today, my children are with me…BECAUSE I DID WHAT WAS REQUIRED OF ME. This one CHOOSES otherwise. Also, aren’t those tats in reference to killing or hurting someone? If so, highly doubt he ever did. Looks like a pussy to me.

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