Donald Trump Is The First Presidential Candidate To Make Me Watch A Sex Tape At 5 AM Because He Told Me To

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Every time I think election 2016 couldn’t turn into a bigger shitshow, Donald Trump proves me wrong. Quick background for those of you not following the latest incredibly important political story. Alicia Machado was a former Miss Universe contestant from Venezuela, who claims that Trump called her “Miss Piggy” because she gained weight and “Miss Housekeeping” because she’s Hispanic. After she won the title Trump was quoted as saying, “She was impossible. She was the winner and you know, she gained a massive amount of weight and it was a real problem. We had a real problem. Not only that, her attitude, and we had a real problem with her.”

Of course this was the rabbit in the hat that Hillary Clinton pulled out at the debate the other night. Unfortunately for Hillary she didn’t do much background check on this chick, because it turns out she was accused of driving a getaway car from a murder scene in 1998 and threatened to kill the judge in the case:

“There are reports that Trump surrogates tonight have been referencing and been pointing to … about an incident in 1998 in Venezuela where you were accused of driving a getaway car from a murder scene. You were never charged with this. The judge in the case also said you threatened to kill him after he indicted your boyfriend for the attempted murder. I just want to give you a chance to respond these reports,” Cooper said. Machado responded: “He can say whatever he wants to say. I don’t care. You know, I have my past, of course everybody has a past. And I’m no saint girl. But that is not the point now … (Trump) was really rude with me, he tried to destroy my self esteem. And now I’m a voice in the Latin community. I’m in a great moment in my life and I have a very clear life. And I can show my taxes.”

HAHAHHAHAH!!! I love how she doesn’t even try to deny it. Everyone has a past!! Some of us snuck into a movie theater without paying when we were kids. Others drove the getaway car from a murder and threatened to kill a judge. That’s not important. What’s important is that I am now the official “voice for the Latin community” because Hillary Clinton needed to find a Latina immigrant who fits the narrative that Trump is both xenophobic and misogynistic. Who cares about all those really serious crimes in my past? Donald Trump called me fat one time and hurt my feelings!! Plus, he isn’t even showing his taxes!! This is a much bigger deal.


Anyway, if Trump was a normal candidate for President he’d just walk away at this point. Who gives a shit what some washed up shady beauty queen staring menopause right in the face has to say about anything? But that’s never really been his style. It’s also his biggest weakness. He just can’t help himself. He has to win every pissing match, and he’s falling for one trap that Hillary sets after the next. Two months ago is was the Khizr Khan. His numbers plummeted. Then he stopped getting in pissing matches for a while and went back to talking about the wall. His numbers went up. Now he’s kicked it up a notch with this washed up beauty queen. Check out his Twitter rant from the crack of dawn/middle of the night:

Can I just say how amazing and fitting it is that of all the people Hillary could’ve used as a pawn, she chose a murder accomplice. I love politics.

This was the best one:

Did a presidential candidate just tell me to watch a sex tape? Did this happen in real life? Has his ever happened before? Remember that time William Howard Taft busted out the motion picture camera to show some lady Woodrow Wilson knew having sex 20 years before either of them ran for President? Because I don’t. All I know is, the next time your wife catches you watching porn just tell her a Presidential candidate made you do it.

Anyway, the press is all over Trump about this, which might be the most hypocritical thing I’ve ever heard:


Bitch, the media wants this!!! Lester Holt could’ve asked him about immigration or gun control or abortion or ANYTHING that would be considered a political issue in 2016. But instead they asked him about whether or not he called Rosie O’Donnell fat one time. Because they know they’re gonna get a reaction out of this guy and it’s great for rating.

Then after the debate they made Alicia Machado a superstar and shit all over him for something he allegedly told her 20 years ago. First of all, if she’s a beauty queen then it’s her job not to get fat. I’m sorry, but if you’re gonna enter that world, then it’s understood that you’re shallow and you cannot gain weight and keep doing what you’re doing. You want to be known for looking good in a bathing suit. That’s it. You don’t get to be mad at your boss when he points out that your weight gain is a problem because it hurts your precious feelings. If you don’t wanna have your feeling hurt, then don’t enter an industry where the only thing that matters is your physical appearance.

Anyway, as someone who is not a Trump supporter but really hates Hillary and is kind of rooting for Trump, this is annoying. He could win this election so easily if he was just normal. The woman he’s running against is so beatable it’s not funny. He’s literally handing her the election by making me watch sex tapes at 5 AM on a Friday. Politics is way more fun than it used to be.



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17 Comment(s)
  • Hector Flanagan
    October 2, 2016 at 9:40 pm

    If you picked out ten Colombian women who were alive in 1998 at random, I would assume that at least 8 were accomplices to murders. It’s just Colombia in the 90s.

  • me
    October 1, 2016 at 10:02 pm

    You didn’t really say “staring menopause in the face.” Uh oh.

  • peanut
    October 1, 2016 at 4:18 am

    I believe the problem was that Machado violated the weight gain clause in her contract

  • Wwy
    October 1, 2016 at 1:07 am

    Man bobnkike is back we were just getting back to normal here now we have to hear him regurgitate fox “news”. Bob who’s the butcher of qana? He don’t know he brings Americas IQ way down.

  • HELP ME!
    September 30, 2016 at 7:30 pm

    I just can’t deal with any more of this low base bullshit. Trump and Hillary are both gross vile creatures. OMG! NOOOOO!!!! I think I may actually need a safe space??! Help, they’re turning me, it’s not my fault! I used to be pretty normal, I swear!

  • Jack Mehoff
    September 30, 2016 at 7:16 pm

    Hillary beatable?


    Most crooked politician ever. Only thing more dishonest than her is the press and pollsters shilling for this bitch. She has little support and will lose traditional blue states unless they can pull off massive voter fraud.

    Go read Scott Adam’s blog (dilbert creator). Trump’s antics are well planned.

  • Stu Pidazzo
    September 30, 2016 at 7:11 pm

    Those latinas- they are a passionate bunch!

  • BlackandWhite
    September 30, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    Hillary is mad because Bill keeps watching sex tapes over and over …. for research. LOL!

  • FiestyLawyerLady
    September 30, 2016 at 4:10 pm

    Link to tape please! Share, don’t be greedy. I’m curious.

    • BobnMic
      September 30, 2016 at 4:21 pm

      Oh Christ you again. Fun fact Fiesty – did you know that while you took a little time away from here that somewhere between 4 to 8 new commenters (could be more) came here to share their opinions without you trying to show them up or fucking with them? Some even commented more than once. They’re having fun again.

      That looked pretty promising I’ll say but here you are again and it’s only a matter of time before you go off again popping pills, fucking with commenters then these new commenters will vanish. You are the fucking Anti-Christ! GO AWAY!!!

      • True Reality Speaks
        Mirror Mirror
        September 30, 2016 at 5:43 pm

        STFU and go away.

      • Wwy
        October 1, 2016 at 1:10 am

        We don’t need your antisemitism Jesus is a real Jew from Judea. Get an education so you don’t sound so stupid.

      • Kevin Lynch's 9-Iron
        October 1, 2016 at 1:39 am

        Go suck on your mom’s tits, Bob

        • BobnMic
          October 1, 2016 at 3:04 am

          Nice comeback Fiesty. Real fucking mature as usual. Back at it with ghost names to attack and not your own huh you little fucking coward? And now you have Wwy to help you out? Now there’s an ally perfectly suited for losers like you. Good luck with that. Maybe that idiot can teach you even more hate. Wouldn’t that be special…

          • BobnMic go away
            October 1, 2016 at 7:38 am

            Crystal binging again, huh Bob. There’s a wigger in Rutland who needs who needs you. GO AWAY!!!

          • BobnMic
            October 1, 2016 at 11:20 am

            Oh boy Fiesty. Now you are so pilled out you are incoherent. The melting of Fiesty the fake lawyer. SO fun to watch you fucking asshole. You earned this…

  • WormtownorBust
    September 30, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    So being ‘rude’ to someone and hurting their ‘self esteem’ is worse than being involved with trying to kill someone, or threatening to…

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